Okay, so Seth and I were just sitting here one recent day with our thumbs up our asses (waiting for a delivery driver to arrive), when we start playing one of our favorite games…
“How Can We Fuck With Annie’s Head Now?”
Annie – or, as it shows on her birth certificate, Annastasia “Get Out Of There” Beaverhausen – is mine and Steve’s youngest cat. She adopted me at work one day two years ago and since she was a newborn at the time, has proven to be very easy to retard mentally. She’s a big scary ball of stupidity and fun, which gives us plenty of ways to shame her.
While we were just sitting here playing some stupid game online, Annie came in and decided it was time for us to pay attention to her. Fortunately, she’s like a goldfish in that she easily forgets all the shit we did to bore her an hour ago.
Again, fun but stupid. She couldn’t have picked a better house to crash at.
She stomps around on the bed making all kinds of annoying noise until one of us gets up, dangles the ribbon she’s torn to shreds in front of her big creepy eyes, and she’s once again in kitty nirvana.
This led me to wonder just what it is that she does when no one is around to entertain her or trip over her in the hallway.
Is she like the other cats who just sleep all day while we’re all at work, waking only long enough to saunter down to the litter box to drop a steamer?
See, I think there’s more to a cats life than we think. In my twisted mind, these varmints are all waiting until we leave the house, then they start going through our stuff. Trying on our shoes, dipping our toothbrushes in the toilet, drinking our liquor, etc. Don’t laugh. If you own a cat, hasn’t that very thought run through your head on at least one occasion?
Uh huh…thought so.
Our other three cats (gawd we’re gay!!!) aren’t such a big concern, but Annie is an entirely different can of worms. This is one twisted little fur-covered freak of nature who, and don’t laugh, probably knows how to use a computer. This is how I see it…
After we all head off to work, Annie goes downstairs to squeeze out her morning poopie-doo’s, then makes herself a nice steaming cup of coffee and waddles upstairs to one my office. Once she plops down in my chair, she takes a biggo sip of coffee, then lights a cigarette and begins closing down any programs currently running on my PC. After all, what could possibly be so interesting about reading the online news or writing or whatever other crap I may have left on the desktop?
So she leans back and as she’s taking a long puff on her Virgina Slim, she opens a browser and heads right over to her “Bookmarks” section. Normally she’d just go read the daily online news headlines, but this morning she’s feeling kinda frisky.
Checking over her shoulder, she makes sure the other felines are nowhere around. They’ve been asking her for quite some time to teach them how to play video games – Mousetrap is their all time favorite – and she keeps giving them the brush off.
Besides, cats suck at using the joystick and gawd knows what she’d do if they accidentally erased vital programs or files.
The coast being clear, she scrolls over to and opens her bookmarks. There it is. Her six nipples are already getting hard just seeing the name.
A double click away from her favorite banner, she clicks the mouse that long ago she realized she could not, in fact, eat.
One more click, then…
That familiar opening theme music washes over her like the thought of a black pant leg of an unsuspecting visitor.
Note: Really, it isn’t music at all…it’s just a recording of someone shaking a bag of dry cat food with some sounds of a can of wet cat food opening edited in. I guess that’s just music to a cats’ ears.
So she starts perving out looking at her favorite porn site…
So she’s gettin’ her groove on pounding her puddy, going to town on herself like Garfield on a lasagna.
Speaking of Garfield, as it turns out, Annie is one of his biggest fans. And I don’t mean that in the sense that her Martha Dump Truck girth would imply. No, she really does have a thing for him. I recently came across a saved copy of one of her Instant Message chats that she, for some perverted reason, had saved. In it, they discussed all sorts of lewd and/or vile sexual scenario’s.
One involving him doing her “doggie-style” and, just for shits and grins, forcing that sissified little pussy Nermal to watch. I don’t even want to know what Odie would be doing with them.
So, there it is. Annie not only wallows in her zoftig cat bliss while we’re around, but obviously can’t wait for us to leave each day so that she can get her perverted little feline porn fix on.
