It’s really amazing, all the email I receive asking for advice. Taking into account the fact that my writing can only show just how messed up I am, one would think that those out there in Blogland who suffer issues would steer clear of me. Not so. I love all my readers and that includes family and friends. But they asked me to help…so they should take the words they so richly deserve.
With that in mind, I’ve decided to add a new category to my site. So, without further ado, I give you…
Dear Tempest:
Can you tell me why they put those booths in the malls and supermarkets called “Speaker’s Corner”? Every time I see it on the news it seems they only pick the weirdest looking people to air their stupid questions.
Just wondering,
M. Jones Kansas City, MO
Dear Wondering,
I, too, have noticed the news programs choose the comments made made by those hankering to have a battle of wits (with a box!!) while unarmed. There is a “Speaker’s Corner” in my local market, and I once saw a man and woman arguing over who was asking the more intelligent question. There I was, pondering whether I should get the sushi with or without the wassabe, when the woman asked the man, whom I figured to be her husband, if there was actual pain involved with being as stupid as he was. I quickly picked up a zuccini thinking I might need it in case his retort involved flying objects. Instead, he simply quipped, “I’m your jusband…my whole LIFE is painful.”
Ordinarily I would laughed that one off as marital “bliss”. Imagine my surprise when that little sparring match was the one actually featured on the TV. They probably looked at it as “cute” and “witty”. And it was then that I realized that those kiosks are there for just that reason. Not so much a way for the news stations to keep their fingers on the pulse of America. But, instead to clandestinely catch people being…well…people. Just try to imagine those hours upon hours of tape they couldn’t air. The lady not knowing the camera was running while she unconsciously picked her nose and then asked, “What can be done about all that disgusting graffitti in our city?” Or what about the guy who thought he’d be “big time” by talking to the camera and his friend about the fact that he’d just robbed the store around the corner, then asking the camera (thinking it’d just turned on), “Why is there so much crime?” And who could forget the pair who wanted to “speak up” but then realized they didn’t want to be video taped. (they had just appeared on America’s Most Wanted the night before)
Let me finish by simply saying there are no stupid questions, only stupid people who ask them. So I think we need a “Speaker’s Corner” on every corner…just for the laughs.
Dear Tempest:
With all the health warnings out and advice on foods, I’m perplexed on who to listen to and what advice to take seriously. Please help!!
Deep Fried & Confused Olathe, KS
Dear Deep Fried,
Here is the truth (as I see it, anyway) on food, health & exercise. The following are some of the questions I’ve received and the answers I thought seemed logical.
Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats and that’s it. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer. That’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient method of delivering vegetables to your system. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories – animal, vegetable and mineral. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements. So that only leaves on thing, right? My advice…Have a burger and a beer (or wine) and enjoy your fruits and vegetables.Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. Just remember, you’re not out of shape…after all, round is a shape.Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to “spot” for him while he did the bench press. What did he mean?
A: “Spotting” for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts as he lifts the weights. It’s an accepted practice at health clubs, though if you find that it becomes the only reason why you’re going to the gym, you probably ought to re-evaluate your exercise program…or at least get his number.Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one. Sorry.Q: If I stop smoking will I live longer?
A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind. If you stop, you’ll probably stress yourself to death in record time.Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you??Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.Q: Will sit-up’s prevent me from getting a fatter around the middle?
A: Definitely not!! When you exercise a muscle it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-up’s if you want a bigger stomach.
I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had. Now let me get back to my fried cheese sticks.
