You know, at a time of the year where stress is plentiful and cheap thrills are usually four malls and two flat tires away, today I was handed what I can only describe as:
The Best Christmas Present EVER!!!
See, here’s what happened…While working outside today on trying to out-do our neighbors’ “Roseanne”-style holiday decorating, I got a call from Steve asking if I’d make a run to the store for some essentials. So Seth and I get into the truck and go. After a quick stop at McDonald’s (I was in dire need of some french fries), we go to WalMart and get everything on Steve’s list. Here’s where it gets fun.On the way back to the house, I happen to realize that there’s a woman in a minivan behind me. Get this shit…a minivan was stuck driving behind ME!! Oh yeah, baby. B-E-H-I-N-D MEEEEEE!!!
Now, for those you who aren’t familiar with my on-going war against minivans (what…one…two of you at most?) and those who “drive” them, I have been either cut off by them and/or stuck behind the ones where the driver is only going ten miles per hour (at MOST) because they’re too busy on their cell phones while eating their third Little Debbie snack cake and swatting at one or two dozen brats in soccer uniforms.
So color me surprised when I see an impatient woman in a minivan now stuck behind ME. Now, picture me pondering my sweet revenge. Looking at her in the rear view mirror, I can see she’s in a hurry and visibly lasering me with her eyes. I see my opening…and pounce on it like Oprah at a buffet.
I check my speed and realize I’m already going one mile per hour over the posted speed limit (35). With one eye on her and the other on my speedometer, (yeah, for this I developed a lazy eye), I gently eased off the gas until I was going only 35 mph. You should have seen the intense and hilariously animated rage on this woman’s face. Then she started tailgating me. I had to give her points for irony, as I was driving the truck…which does have a tailgate. All the while, Seth is trying to scare the kids she has inside. (something like the picture to the left)
Now, I realize this is supposed to be a festive season with peace on Earth, good will towards men and all that shit, but C’MON!! After all these years of suffering behind those vile frigging minivans, I finally get justice. So forgive me for opening that little present before Christmas. But hey, her vehicle might as well have been there behind me with a biggo red ribbon and bow on it.
Besides, she only had to be behind me for a couple of miles…which included three stoplights and 4 stop signs. Small potatoes compared to the rest of the year when I’m behind her (or one of her minivan club associates) for thirty or so miles.
By the time she got to her turn-off she was beet red and I swear she had some spittle oozing out of the corners of her mouth. I’m sure she arrived at her final destination more than on time and intact.
I can only hope that this little incident has taught her a bit of humility and perhaps how to drive more responsibly.
Not to mention how treat other drivers with the respect we deserve…especially during this festive and joyous time of year.
