Well, I suppose the title could be read in different ways.

Most of which apply.

First of all, the electric/gas utilities here in California are just plain obscene. Just to run the A/C right after we moved into this condo back in July ran our electric bill up to $200 per month!!! Seriously, from July through August we paid over $500 to PG&E, not including an extra $350 just for the freaking deposit. It got so insulting, we just stopped using the A/C altogether and literally had to sweat it out through the rest of Summer just to save money.

Now it’s “Winter” here and while we won’t see snow here in the valley, the temperatures dip down into the VERY low 30’s overnight.

Sorry to our friends back East. We know thirty-two degrees back there is more like Summer compared to your winters.

Now we’re having to debate whether or not to use the heat. And with these Spanish tiled floors, that just amplifies the cold. So we’ve decided to compromise…we run the heat from midnight to five a.m., then just bundle up during the day.

All of this “weather” is wreaking havoc with my neuropathy. It’s ironic that the colder the climate, the more my hands burn.

And now, just to add insult to injury, Puppy (our beloved demon spawn cat) has chosen NOW to fly into a raging round of being in heat. And on the VERY day she was scheduled to go to the vet to be declawed and have her ovaries sucked out!!!

I think she knew what was coming and PLANNED her cycle of estrus!!!

(and don’t tell me cats aren’t that smart)

If you’ve never had to experience this little…um…period (lol), let me tell you it sucks out loud!!!

And “loud” is the operative word here. You want to feel sorry for them because it’s not exactly a pleasant time for the cat – unless she is lucky enough to slip outside and get nailed by the nearest thing with a phallus – but it’s SO DAMNED ANNOYINGLY LOUD (especially at night) that last night I was tempted to take her to a lesbian bar, throw her ass out to the middle of the dance floor and yell, “LAST CALL!!!!”

(Seth didn’t get that joke…I thought it was pretty damned good)

Puppy has been the biggest little whore since last Thursday and it probably pisses her off that not only does she live with tho gay guys, but even her best friend, Kitty (our dog) has been fixed and, try as he night to be Mr. Gallant (meaning humping her every chance he gets, despite our constant yelling at him), he’s shooting blanks when he DOES try.

Anyway, that’s our beginning of December.

It’s going to be quite a month…if we don’t freeze to death.

Paula Dean…the queen of Cookin’ With Lard (I love her so), suffered what some might call a tragic irony. Hit in the face with a frozen Smithfield ham.

Call it “Live By The Sword/Die By The Sword”, or “That Which Does Not Kill You Makes You Fatter”…

I prefer to think of it as “Slapping Some Lipstick On A Pig”.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!!

Yeah, it’s been a while.  We know that.  And we do apologize to those readers/subscribers who have written to find out what was happening on this end.  Well, allow me to lay it all out there for you…

Seth just finished up the season with one of his jobs (which runs Jan 15 thru Nov 15 each year.  With this time freed up for him, he was busy trying to file for unemployment to cover for that jobs’ two-month hiatus.  Though he still has his job at Brookstone, the hours didn’t look to be all that promising, even with the coming holiday season.

Then, the very same day that his unemployment papers were filed, drama occurred at Brookstone that would change things for him and others.

See, he and another girl who not only works with him at Brookstone, but also works with him at Lifetouch.  Though their season at Lifetouch was now over for the next two months, neither really relished the idea of spending yet another holiday shopping season schlepping useless products (that don’t work and no one wants) to the wayward shoppers (who don’t work and no one wants).  His coworker had already mentally “checked-out” from Brookstone weeks ago and was weighing out the option of just quitting there and waiting for the 2010 season at Lifetouch to begin in January.  Seth was pretty close to that mental point as well.

Then it happened.

Some asshole at Brookstone who could do nothing but bitch about the crappy (and all-too-few) hours (shared by everyone there, not just him) and threatened to sue the company on multiple occasions because he felt uncomfortable working with so many gay people (90% of that stores’ employees are gay…c’mon…it’s Brookstone!!!), decided to quit.  Then, because he and his girlfriend were always fighting over money (or the lack thereof), he told the company he quit BECAUSE he was sexually harassed by several gay employees and the manager did nothing about it.

None of the above-mentioned charges, by the way, were true.  Just a textbook case of disgruntled ex-employee out to make a buck.

In short, Brookstone put both the manager and asst. manager on suspension, pending the outcome of this situation.  Rather than wait to be fired (which is normal for Brookstone…guilty or not), both opted to resign rather than have a termination on their records as well as having to wait who-know’s-how-long to find out IF they would be allowed to work there again.

Keep in mind, these two people are two of Seth’s best friends here in California, so all of this came to him as a double-blow.

Then the coup de grase…

They promoted the girl to Manager and Seth to Asst. Manager.  He even got a nice raise for the new position.

So now he was dealing with the scandal, the fact that two of his best friends were gone, AND that he was now taking one of those positions.  The guilt of the latter caused him un-yeilding stress.

The very next morning we noticed someone stole his brand new bike from our front porch (YES, it was locked up).

Now not only is he trying to settle in to the (what he feels is) ill-gotten new position, but no matter where he goes/we go, it’s about driving around trying to spot his shiny new bike.

Here’s something odd, I keep putting up a flyer on the bulletin board outside the Condo-office where the mail boxes are and every day it’s being taken down.  I’ve had to repost it four times now.  Is it just me, or does that say that the one who stole the bike lives in one of these condo’s and doesn’t want anyone to see the flyer and thereby turn them in???  I just don’t understand any other reason that flyer would keep coming down.  We’ve even included “Reward Offered For Bikes’ Return” on the flyer…(it doesn’t matter at this point that the “reward” is a pretty potted plant, does it?).

Anyway, the adventure continues.

We’ll try to be better at the updates/posts…but as the holidays are just around the corner, bear with us.

Happy Thanksgiving to ALL of you out there.

It was an unusually sultry day, yesterday, the gentle breeze saturated with the scent of magnolia and a transient who brushed up against me in a downtown parking garage.

The day had started off pretty much as any other…

• Cat & Dog on their usual morning tear through the house.
• Delivery man ringing doorbell (not the cute one, but she was rather burly and strong).
• Seth off on another assignment of school photography.
• Lifetime Network showing (but muted) in the background showing yet another movie about women who hate men but need them around to breed.

In short I was enjoying a very hard-earned day off and, even though it was filled with chores, I was still relaxed.

Then it came.

The call that every spouse fears.

ring-ring…ring-ring…(yeah, my ringtone is that of a London flat)

“Hello?”

“I have a collect call from Seth Lowe. Will you accept?”

“Um, Yeah…Okay.”

I already assume one of two things has occurred…either Seth has somehow magically turned up in a place that still HAS pay phones, OR he’s ended up in jail for some reason. And the voice on the other end of the line didn’t sound at all like someone from Alaska.

“Daniel?”

“Yes. OMG (I actually spelt that out on the phone), what’s happening? Why are you there? What did you do?”

“Do you remember that speeding ticket I got a couple of months ago?”

“You mean the little “gift” you got on my birthday? Yeah, what about it?”

“Well, I was supposed to have paid it but I totally forgot about it. So here I am.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?!?! They put you in jail for forgetting to pay a ticket? Wasn’t the due date yesterday? And you’re already in jail???”

“I’m sorry, honey.”

“What do I need to do? Okay, I’ll be right down there.”

So off I go.

Well, not right away. First I had to bake an appropriate cake with a nail file in it.

So after driving around for thirty minutes trying to find a parking space, I end up in an underground parking garage where I think half of the cities’ transient population have set up residence. And judging from the smell, they’ve been there a while.

Up I go to the jail and, after a thorough (and, might I add, thrilling?) body search, I’m escorted in to the visitors’ room. A small cubicle with one metal chair, an old-time phone and a sheet of thick plexiglass.

There, on the other side of the glass, was a forlorn looking Seth. Even though he’d only been in there for 2 hours, the time had not been good to him. He did, however, perk up when he saw the gift basket I’d thoughtfully put together for him with, what I thought were some items he’d need for the hard time he was facing. Hard time meaning the time it took me to walk to the bail window (after our visit) to post for his release.

The basket included:

• Soap-on-a-Rope
• Cigarettes (I hear they’re like money in there)
• Knee Pads
• Altoids (fresh breath couldn’t hurt)
• 400 count Egyptian Cotton Sheet Set
• Plush bath towel (one end says “Butt” – one end says “Face)
• Bath Beads
• Pumpkin-scented Diffuser (I also left one in the downstairs parking garage)

During our conversation I told him that I would have him out of there very soon, but to be brave in the mean time.

Incidentally, I don’t know if any of you have ever had to speak into those phones before, but does EVERYONE who uses them eat 24 sticks of Slim Jim’s jerky?  It took three squirts of my travel-sized Coco Chanel just to be able to speak into it.

I did everything I could during our visit to lift Seth’s spirits, but he was just too depressed.  But I did notice a rather familiar twinkle in his eyes which told me he had been in there too long and needed a little…um…T&A show.  You know, to remind him of what he was missing by being stuck in the big house.

Well, ever the dutiful husband, I relented.  At first I thought the Screws (that is what they call the guards, isn’t it?) would stop me, but they just sort of ignored us.  I suppose they see this kind of thing every day.

So after I sanitized both the table and glass in front of me with a handy moist towelette I always keep on hand for just such an emergency (really??), I proceeded to climb up onto the table to give him what he needed to see.

He wanted to see “the goods”…so that’s what I gave him…

Obviously I’ve put on a few extra pounds, but hey, marriage does that to people, right?

I must say, I managed to put on quite a good show for him.  All pressed up against the plexiglass…the occasional squeak and squeal as the Twins slide (like mud) down the glass.  I tried to throw in a few lip-lickings for good measure.  All the while I was humming M.C. Hammers’ “Can’t Touch This”.

Seth handled it like a trooper.  Well, at least he maintained a stiff upper lip.  That is until he violently began to throw up onto his side of the glass (another explanation of the smell on those phones).  From the looks of it, this was caused by the rather distasteful look of the bologna sandwiches he was served for what they laughingly must have called lunch.

As you might have guessed, this sort of put me out of the mood to be all sexy, so I climbed down from the table, pulled my tube top back up from around my waist and tried to show a little poise.  Such that could be in surroundings such as these.

I’ll bet the guards were glad this wasn’t a conjugal visit.

After all of this, our visit was over.  So I headed over to the bail office and had my man freed.  Seth bid farewell to his new friends and then we headed home.

On the way, I filled him in on all the things that had changed in the world since his incarceration.  Three seconds later, we pulled into his favorite eating establishment (Burger King) so that he could have his first free-world meal…it had, after all, been hours since his last one.

He’s doing pretty good now and acclimating nicely to his new-found freedom.

(FYI: None of the above was true.  Actually Seth forgot to pay his ticket, so we went down and he got an extension to pay until 12/11/09.  But we DID worry that it could have been worse.)

It’s been a slow week…so here are some pics I just took…enjoy…

I almost NEVER get this shot right!!!

Puppy just HAD to get in on the fun.

Kitty about to take a nap.

Kitty and Fuzzy Daddy.

Nap time for who?

Pussy...(insert punchline here)

What's She Doing?!?!

Ummm...No comment.

Well, we’ve finally decided to be more “California’-ish” and economy/ecology minded.  So we went and bought bikes.

Since both of our jobs are literally down the street from where we live, it just made more sense to save on gas and, at the same time, get a little exercise in the process.

And just in time for the rainy season (if you truly can call it that here in the land of never-rain).  Now I guess that in my bid to do more to save the planet, I need to get a plastic rain slicker.

Here are the new rides…

My little Pumpkin.

Seths is named the "Excitor". Irony? I think not!!!

Okay, so it’s been a while. And judging from the Tweets, Comments, emails and IM’s I’ve been getting, this hasn’t gone as unnoticed as I originally thought.

So thank you all for not only noticing, but for your continued patronage.

First off, Seth went to visit family and friends and to attend a wedding in West Virginia for a week. He just got back this past Monday. Let me tell you, it was a very hard nine days to get through without him. And even though my BFF/Sister In-Law, Theresa, kept telling me to just enjoy the “Princess Time”, it was the first time in over 1 1/2 years that we had been separated.

Not fun…no, not one bit fun.

I can’t tell you how many texts we had between the two of us during that time. Thank goodness for unlimited texting.

While he was away enjoying his life/vacation, I was here doing yard work, major plant overhauling, house cleaning to the point of OCD and also having to keep telling our dog and cat that “Daddy moved away because he stopped loving you…probably because of something you did”.

You know, that usually has a better affect on actual children…pets just look at you like you moved their food dish.

Now, I won’t tell you everything Seth did while he was away…after all, he’d do a better job at that IF/WHEN he’d ever get his ass on here and write.

(Brian: I suggest you text him and guilt him into writing his story down here…he seems to listen to you. Gawd knows why!!)

I WILL, however, give you a visual image or two to help draw a picture…

Seth...a/k/a Anita Mann

I TOLD Him NOT To Flame Out In Front Of His Family!!!

Obviously, He Didn't Listen.

Well, now that he’s back – and the fire, I presume, is out – it’s back to the daily grind for him. Actually, he’s a bit busier now. Last night he got a call from a local TV Station Manager wanting to interview him for a position on the 10 O’Clock News.

Great…just when we BOTH have adjusted to his manic schedule of his current two jobs, he wants to interview for this one as well.

Rebecca, can you help me explain to him the definition of “overextending oneself”?

Oh, and just a couple of add-on’s…

Yesterday morning he tried to walk out onto the front patio area, and ran face-first into the screen door. Then, after I finished pointing and laughing at him (because I use all the opportunities I can get), when he walked back indoors, he saw the TV and the news was showing a story on the new statue of Helen Keller being unveiled in Washington.

He actually asked me, “Helen Keller Died?”

Just before I started round two of pointing and laughing, I answered him, “Yeah, her husband, Fred Flintstone killed her.”

Geeze Seth…I think the folks from MENSA want to talk to you.

These days everyone understands what it’s like to have little-to-no time to stop and smell the roses.

Hell, with the economy and current events being as they are, you’re lucky to FIND the rose garden. And for those lucky (or rich) enough to find it, even you still run the risk of either being stung by the economic bee or pricked by the political thorn.

Okay, I’ve beaten that metaphor down with a sledgehammer, I know. Just chalk it down to overactive brain…or just trying to work out a brain fart.

Anyway, my point is (or should I say was?) that every day seems to be packed. No rest for the wicked, you might say. Even though I continue the occupational safari of trying to find the perfect job (hell, at this point any job!!), it seems there is just never enough time in the day to get everything done. And with my ADHD/OCD, that makes for quite a day indeed.

Yeah, don’t tell me that collecting unemployment is just a “sit-on-your-fat-ass” job. Ain’t no such thing, perras!!!

First I had to take Kitty in for the “operation”…you know the one…where he gets changed from a Rooster to a Hen. LOL Yeah, and he’s been making us pay for it ever since. I should have known that wasn’t going to be so easy when the vet told me that Kitty had double Cryptorchidism. Sounds pretty, huh? Like his balls were suddenly hard to grow, temperamental and expensive. Well, actually, yeah. For those of you who (like me) never heard of Cryptorchidism, it’s where the little “hangers” on a cat or dog are actually on the inside. I always wondered why, when Kitty was romping around, he wasn’t swingin’, even at his age.

So our priceless dog became even more expensive by being an “innie” and not an “outie”. This raised the price of his Tranny-Surgery another forty bucks. And he thought we dressed his ass gay before!!! Wait till he (and everyone else) sees the outfits I found on a recent shopping spree.

Moving on…

I got a call from the Labor Board informing me that the asshole ex-boss finally dropped off the checks for the settlement. Seth had just gotten home and I told him that we had to get right over there to get them. Funny thing…on the way over there, I was half-jokingly telling him that, knowing the asshole ex-boss as I did, I wouldn’t at all be surprised if he “forgot” to sign the checks.

Guess what?

He “forgot” to sign the checks.

I hate always being right.

Now they have to be signed (still by tomorrow’s deadline) and then mailed to me. That asshole will do anything to delay/get out of paying what he actually owes.

While we’re waiting for this shit to play out, I am still trying to get Seth his plane tickets back home for his cousin’s wedding. The flight is pretty decent but the fucking car rental TRIPLES the price!!! While he is still trying to make some kind of arrangements with his family to “Drive Miss Daisy” (Like those people in Hooterville don’t have an extra horse & buggy!!!) (just kidding), so far it’s looking like Hertz or AVIS are going to be sending me a thank you note for the extra thousand bucks. Not to mention the gas, since he will be there over a week.

Don’t worry, Seth’s Family, I will get him there no matter what it takes.

Meanwhile on the job search side, I have two (yeah…TWO!!) interviews tomorrow. One as a Payroll Director with a company here in Fresno. This is a contract position for three months while someone there is out sick. But the pay would be fantastic!!! The other is at Starbucks. This was supposed to be today, but got pushed a day because of Manager meetings. No biggie. Gives me more time to tan, wax, spackle and sparkle. On the first interview for Payroll, I was supposed to take their assessment online and fill out their online application, but because I don’t use Windows at home (and also because my PC is turning into a VERY SLOW P.O.S. – I need an upgrade in the WORST way!!!), they are letting me do it all at their office tomorrow. Lucky me.

Anyhoo…gotta get back to scrubbing the floors (Seth is too cheap to buy me a Swifter)…so gotta go for now.  Will keep you posted an whatever the hell is happening tomorrow. 

I think the hate crime baiting, oft-asked question of where the hell gays come from (or how are they made?) has, at long last, been finally and definitively answered.

Or has it?

I always thought it was genetic (which I KNOW it is).

But some have said it’s environmentally caused.

Or perhaps those of us similarly blessed were just suckled or coddled (or both) by our moms waaaaay too long.

There are plenty of theories as to how gays come into being. And on this particular subject, I tend to think that anyone who DOESN’T think a person is born gay obviously was born with THEIR head up THEIR ass. Like my view on opinions, which I will divulge later.

I bring all of this up because of what happened during yet another Republican wound-licking event called the “Value Voters Summit”. I won’t bore you with all the lies, drivel, hypocrisy, pandering bull shit they vomited out to their way-too-overly-excited crowd of toothless white trash who are suckling at the governmental teats of Medicare while bitching about the possibility of “Barack The Magic Negro” (Rush Limbaugh played that fucking song again on his show during the summit) getting government into their healthcare.

No…I won’t go into that crap.

But I will talk about the latest piece of wedge-issue shit the Republicans are now throwing out as red meat to their hungry white trashy minions.

Brace yourself…

LOOKING AT PORN MAKES YOU GAY!!!

Yeah.

That pearl of wisdom came from Michael Schwartz, chief of staff for Sen. Tom Coburn (R-OK).

At the Family Research Council’s Values Voters Summit, Family Research Council Senior Fellow Pat Fagan, Heritage Foundation scholar Matthew Spalding and Michael Schwartz, the chief of staff for Sen. Tom Coburn, held a discussion on “The New Masculinity.” Schwartz, who was the final speaker, said that Fagan wanted him to discuss “how men, who already are good husbands and fathers,” can “change the culture.”

A few minutes into his speech, Schwartz moved to the topic of pornography, calling it a “blight” and a “disease” that parents’ “sons” would encounter. Noting that he was about to get “politically incorrect,” Schwartz said that it is his “observation that boys at that age have less tolerance for homosexuality than just about any other class of people.

Schwartz claims that his “ex-gay” friend revealed the true secret of how homosexuality is “inflicted on people”:

“And one of the things that he said to me, that I think is an astonishingly insightful remark. He said, “all pornography is homosexual pornography because all pornography turns your sexual drive inwards. Now think about that. And if you, if you tell an 11-year-old boy about that, do you think he’s going to want to go out and get a copy of Playboy? I’m pretty sure he’ll lose interest. That’s the last thing he wants.” You know, that’s a, that’s a good comment. It’s a good point and it’s a good thing to teach young people.

But all pornography is homosexual pornography because all pornography turns your sexual drive inwards. And that in fact is what it does. I know couples now who are struggling with the husband’s addiction to pornography. It’s a terrible thing, and that is what happened to him. You know, if it doesn’t turn you homosexual, it at least renders you less capable of loving your wife.

It is my observation that boys at that age have less tolerance for homosexuality than just about any other class of people. They speak badly about homosexuality. And that’s because they don’t want to be that way. They don’t want to fall into it. And that’s a good instinct. After all, homosexuality, we know, studies have been done by the National Institute of Health to try to prove that its genetic and all those studies have proved its not genetic. Homosexuality is inflicted on people.”

Schwartz then recalled “a very good friend” of his “who was in the homosexual lifestyle for a long time,” saying that he “had good conversations about, about the malady that he suffered.” He then relayed “an astonishingly insightful remark” his friend had made about the relationship between pornography and being gay:

SCHWARTZ: And one of the things that he said to me, that I think is an astonishingly insightful remark. He said, “all pornography is homosexual pornography because all pornography turns your sexual drive inwards. Now think about that. And if you, if you tell an 11-year-old boy about that, do you think he’s going to want to go out and get a copy of Playboy? I’m pretty sure he’ll lose interest. That’s the last thing he wants.” You know, that’s a, that’s a good comment. It’s a good point and it’s a good thing to teach young people.

Schwartz then added a slight caveat, saying, “if it doesn’t turn you homosexual, it at least renders you less capable of loving your wife. And it’s something you need to be healed of.”

Okay GOP…regarding the above outlined hate speech, I have not heard even ONE of you counter that or even so much as distance yourself from it. And I have been scanning and reading every media outlet FOR that rebuttal (both video and print). No one. Not one of you.

So, as I told Seth a couple of months ago:

DANIEL: “Mark my words…The GOP is already burning through their small stack of wedge issues – which shows their desperation – and I promise you the next wedge issue they throw out there will be about gays.”

And viola!! The GOP NEVER proves me wrong. (sometimes that tends to get a little scary)

You all can be the judges of the latest GOP theory.

But for you Republickers out there who are STILL not sure how to pick a real gay out of a crowd (because they threw down the latest issue of AssMasters), I’ve thoughtfully provided you with the following checklist to aid you in your continued efforts to “LOVE THY NEIGHBOR” and not “BEARING FALSE WITNESS”.

Happy hunting:

1. We could care less who Brittany Spears is sleeping with.
2. We understand the differences between 27 brands of imported Chardonnay.
3. We can call anyone “honey” including pets.
4. We know someone who was in the emergency room with Richard Gere and the gerbil.
5. We understand the immense importance of quality lighting.
6. We can be at a crowded disco the size of a baseball field and still spot a toupee.
7. We can tell a woman we love her bathing suit, and truly mean her bathing suit.
8. We can explain the nuances between steady date, boyfriend and lover.
9. We really have “Been there, Done that.”
10. Our women friends will tell us everything we want to know about their boyfriends.
11. We’re the only type of male who gets to say “fabulous.”
12. We can have naked pictures of men we don’t know in our house.
13. We can have naked men we don’t know at our house.
14. We know how to handle the telephone like a Stradivarius.
15. We understand why God invented spandex.
16. We understand why God didn’t intend everyone to wear it.
17. We know how to get back at just about everyone. And have.
18. We know that the most important part of a party’s decor is the catering staff.
19. We only wear polyester when we mean to.
20. We can smile to let someone know we hate them.
21. We can freeze a troll from 20 feet away.
22. We’re good pals with women other people can’t stand.
23. We’ve always got an opinion.
24. We’ve read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.
25. We know how to dress strategically.
26. Our car has an amusing female name.
27. We’re the only one at our reunion who looks better than you did in high school.
28. We know that sex complicates things. So?
31. We know that being called a “cheap slut” isn’t actually an insult.
32. There’s a married guy somewhere who is terrified of us.
33. Nobody tells us what to do in bed…unless we tell them what to tell us.
34. We have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.
35. We have at least one movie musical on video.
36. We’re not embarrassed to sing in a piano bar.
37. We’re embarrassed by people who sing in piano bars.
38. We never hold a grudge for longer than a decade or two.
39. We know how to make an entrance.
40. We know when to make an exit.
41. We worry about people we don’t even know – like Barack Obama.
42. We choose the most fabulous greeting cards.
43. We know how to program our VCR.
44. We’ve got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.
45. We have a cologne display worthy of Bloomingdales.
46. We understand, viscerally, Joan Crawford.
47. Some of our best friends are our ex lovers.
48. We know when to play dumb.
49. We know what to do for a hangover.
50. Yes, we do have a condom.
51. We’ve called someone “girlfriend” who is neither a girl nor a friend.
52. One or more of the following apply to us:

• a) We adore Lady GaGa.
  
• b) We hate Lady GaGa.
• c) We hate people who adore Lady GaGa.
• d) We hate people who hate Lady GaGa.
• e) We don’t give a damn about Lady GaGa.
• f) Who is Lady GaGa?

53. You can supply the last names to the following list:

• a) Bernadette
• b) Chita
• c) Barbra

54. We made Donna Summer a star.
55. We made Donna Summer a has-been.
56. Tanning salons were invented for us.
57. We’ve made sunbathing a performance art.
58. We know when the party’s over.
59. We know where to go after the party’s over.
60. We’re fearless about fighting the elements, especially gravity.
61. When we hear “a stitch in time saves nine” we think of

• a) Our grandma
• b) Our face lift
• c) John Wayne Bobbit

62. We know that pigs and bears are not necessarily rural wildlife.
63. Our roommate can be our roommate and not our “roommate.”
64. We know that referring to someone as “a real lady” isn’t necessarily a compliment.
65. Our favorite dinner accessory may also be our dinner companion.
66. If our cat is a female, we swear it’s a lesbian.
67. If our cat is a male, we swear it’s a lesbian.
68. We sing along with songs that make most females cringe, like “Stand by your man”.
69. We’ve been to a bris, a barmitzvah, a christening, a first communion and too many weddings and we have a carefully considered evaluation of the food after each.
70. We’ll never have to hear our mother complain about our wife.
71. A two-seater convertible seems perfectly practical to us.
72. We have a favorite Disney character and it’s usually a nasty one.
73. We’ve left someone totally speechless.
74. We’ve shaved something other than our face.
75. All our friends do not have to “get along”.
76. We have a large collection of anniversary pictures. They may be with different guys, however.
77. Our love handles are actually used as such.
78. When someone turns his back on us, we actually consider it an opportunity.
79. We’ve got a large assortment of movie-star biographies.
80. We’ve got the most interesting coffee table books.
81. We know where to find a meat rack and it ain’t in our kitchen drawer.
82. We have a sexual persuasion with its own flag.
83. At some moment in our life we’ve envisioned having back-up girls.
84. We know our enemies.
85. After a workout at the gym, we feel like a new man. And he’s right there in the shower.
86. We’re Lady GaGa’s biggest fan.
87. We know that Lady GaGa’s biggest fan is Lady GaGa.
88. Not only have we added spice to our life – sometimes we’ve added side dishes.
89. We know that “small talk” can be about spirituality or politics, and “important issues” can be about hair.
90. We’ve actually lived out some of our fantasies.
91. Unlike most straight women, we have no problem being treated solely as a sex object.
92. We have no doubts about the accuracy of the Kinsey Report.
93. We know, by heart, every line in:

• a) All about Eve
• b) The Rocky Horror Picture Show
• c) Our face

94. We are ALWAYS ready for our close-up.
95. We have 412 ways to tell someone to get lost. 136 are non-verbal.
96. We can lip-sync to at least one Supreme’s song.
97. We have a carefully selected Yiddish vocabulary.
98. Even if we’re in Kansas, we’re not in Kansas anymore.
99. We know exactly how many martinis it takes.
100. When throwing a party, we know how to put out quite a spread. Sometimes after the party too.

There now…did ANY of that include porn?!?! Yeah, I thought not.

Thanks for letting me blow another one of your shitty views out of the water.

This past weekend, Seth and I had sort of a “Girls’ Night Out” with my sister in-law Theresa and her friend Lorena.  Both their husbands were on the coast on a work project and the gals wanted to do something.  At first, the guys were pissed that their wives were planning a night out while they were gone, but then Theresa told them that Seth and I were going to be with them, somehow Terry and Mark did an emotional one-eighty.  Suddenly those guys couldn’t be more pleased about their wives hitting the town.  Obviously Seth and I would watch out for the girls, but for the husbands to act like Theresa and Lorena were going out in a Sherman Tank sort of irked me.  What if Seth and I wanted to get the gals plastered and hustle them out to butch women or something?

Yeah, Theresa and Lorena are the poster children of “Lipstick”…and ripe for the picking.

Of course we were game.

First we went to a jazz club to see an old friend of Theresa’s perform.  He was great.  Sang a lot of my old favorites and we had a great time…especially watching Theresa and Lorena beging a night of drinking.  I already know Lorena can put it away…Crown on the rocks…and she ain’t no sipper.  Theresa stuck with a mild Cape Cod.

After the show, Theresa and Lorena had an itch to go to a gay bar.  You know, to see how the “other half” live.

So we took them to a club called “The Circle”.  I hate this place because it’s SO boring.  Techno music, Trannies, Trolls and Twinks galore.  All we ever do there (on the Oh-So-Rare occasion I even WANT to go) is stand inside near the bar and make fun of people with our friends.  Then after ten minutes of that, we go outside to the patio, smoke and make fun of people with our friends.  Twenty minutes later, we go back inside and start the process all over again.  Two hours of this and I’m bored out of my skull.  During that time I MIGHT finish off one beer (because I’m a lightweight).  And since I don’t drink like Seth and the rest of them do, it’s hard to keep up with them…and it’s even harder to not yawn my guts out because these guys can stay there for eight hours and never get bored.

Anyways, with Theresa and Lorena in tow, we had a great time…me especially.  Somewhere during one of their many bathroom runs, the gals managed to hit the dance floor and go all Dirty Dancing.  Sorry we missed that.

Theresa spent 90% of the night asking, “Is that a guy or a girl?”

Priceless.

The following Monday, Seth and I had our hearing at the Labor Commission against the ex-boss.

Long story short on that is that we ended up settling the case for one-third the total claim amount.  There was no choice.  The asshole was willing to fight it out for another month and Seth and I just couldn’t afford to wait that long.  (he has a wedding back in West Virginia to attend in a couple of weeks and I wasn’t about to let him down on that)

The good thing is that the ex-boss thinks that was the end of his woes.  He still has no clue that there is a MAJOR lawsuit against him in the works.  Where he may have had the upper hand at the Labor Board, when it comes to Liable, Sexual Harassmant and several other WELL-DOCUMENTED charges, he is screwed.  The attorneys have informed me that even if he tries to make a settlement on THIS case, the laws are on MY side this time and that settlement offer will have to be substantial.

More on that as we get closer to it.