The Tempest Online™

~ Sic gorgiamus allos subjectatos nunc. ~

Apply This Towards Life In General

Posted by Daniel on December 4, 2006

As many of you know, I’ve been treating myself to a daily dose of playing on MySpace as a slight diversion from the bizzare schedule I keep myself on.

One of the many things I’ve learned since becoming yet another member of that ecclectic online society is that there are some very wierd and very phony people who lurk there.

I know what you’re thinking…

“You should expect that from a place like MySpace, Frappr, Craig’s List, etc.”

Fair enough.

I therefore have come up with some new rules (please excuse the shamless pilfering from Bill Maher) for those who want to be part of my MySpace page. Also, after giving the following rules some further thought, I think I’d like to apply them to my life in general.

As I approach the monumental milestone of selecting who will be my “1000th” friend, I wanted to offer some tips to anyone who may think they are deserving of this highest honor….

1. Have A Pic Of YOU As Your Default: Yea, I know you guys are proud of your Ford pickups that are pimped out, but I could really care less. And I know that not ALL male models happen to be here on MySpace looking to make friends…And you guys who don’t even have a pic?  C’mon, this is 2006, here’s a tip: If you really can’t afford a digital camera, just use a $3 disposable and when you get it developed at the 1-hour place, get the pics on a CD-Rom. If it’s good enough for Steve and, it’s good enough for you.  Not that hard!

2. Don’t have your page SO PIMPED OUT that it won’t even load: Look, I’m using a high speed connection and a decent computer, and some of you guys have these damn things so loaded with videos and high-res backrounds that your page crashes my computer. If I can’t look at your page, forget it…

3. Private Profile: I’m not going to approve you just so I can check your page and decide if you’re interesting or not. If your MySpace page contains such major secrets, why are you mailing me (a stranger) and asking me to take a look?

4. Your Age: Why is this so hard for people? I see pages with “100 years old” OR “14 Years Old” but then underneath it says, “I’m really 18.” What’s up with this? The thing calculates your age based on the birthday you put in, if you fucked that up then you probably weren’t being honest with the rest of your personal info, in which case I don’t need to chat with you.

5. No Femme-Bots: If I wanted to see your hoo-hoo or ta-ta’s, I wouldn’t be GAY. I really don’t care to log in and watch you take off your bikini. Do guys think these are really girls who want to make their acquaintence? If there is any mention of a webcam in your message or on your page I will delete you.

6. No Stupid Bulletins: I do not think I will find true love (I already have) or something terrible will happen at 11:09 tonight due to the fact that I do or do not forward a MySpace sex survey. If you send me any stupid bulletins, you will be deleted from my friends list at exactly 10:02 PM. Funny ones are okay though – thanks Suree!

7. You Are Foreign: Now, I do make some exceptions here, but c’mon – if you are a 14 year old Taiwanese boy who barely speaks any english, shouldn’t you be doing, I don’t know, ANYTHING other than cruising MySpace for single men? School, sweatshops, I dunno…. something doesn’t seem right about it… but chances are, we’ll never have more than a few “hey, how’s it goin”‘s so let’s just save our time here please…

8. You Are An Indie Rock Band: Don’t call us, we’ll call you… plus, what do I care that you are performing in California every week when I live in Missouri???

9. I’ve Already Denied Your Friend Request: Did you think I accidentally hit the “deny” button? Does MySpace offer restraining orders? If I’ve denied your friend request the first time, you’ll just piss me off more by requesting my friendship again and I probably won’t want to chat with you.

10. You’ve Got A Picture Of Me In Your Self Pics: Yea, in this case I’ll be more apt to report you to MySpace and have your profile deleted…

So I can’t wait to find out who lucky number 1000 is! Good Luck!



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