The Tempest Online™

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Caution: Gay Construction Ahead – Part 7 – Carpet Munchers

Posted by Daniel on January 25, 2007

construction.gifYup, you’ve read it right. Steve and I are back into the “swing” of renovations again. And this time, it’s the inside. Well…the main level (Great Room, Foyer and Dining Room…Kitchen will have to wait) anyway.

I know, Ric & Virgie, I know. You both told us that the best course of action is to pic one project per season and work on that. Well, it’s Winter (a season, yes?) and these three rooms have been squeezed into one BIG project. After all, we’re gay. You, being straight, can’t know the exquisite agony that is looking aroud the house and thinking, “Okay, color and fabrics…EVERYWHERE!!!” It’s just something hardwired into our brains that makes it next to impossible to be limited by style, budget or sheer raw nerve.

First, a small bit of history on this, our house. We bought it 5 years+ ago and the previous owners were, shall we say, not so nice to it. Ever see that movie “The Money Pit” (Tom Hanks & Shelley Long) where they buy a big beautiful house from Maureen Stapleton…only to discover if they leaned against a wall, they’d fall through it? It seemed there was a similar surprise around ever corner for them and they spent the entire movie finding the “flaws” and fixing them. That was, to a larger scale, what we discovered after buying our place.

Undaunted, we’ve met every challenge and hidden “boo boo” head on. (applied directly to the forehead) (as in me banging my impatient head against the wall saying, “Not something else to fix…not something else!!”)

In the case of this seasons’ renovations, it is the carpeting, “tile” and paint. Every one an eyesore and a pain in the ass.

For starters, the entire house was painted in a color that I can only describe as “bum barf brown”. A hideous shade right between cappuccino and burnt egg shells. I can’t begin to tell you how hard it has been to decorate around this so-called color.

Paint HAS to go.

https://i2.wp.com/www.kiwibox.com/images/ar/0602/33879.mw.jpgThen there’s the “tile” in the foyer and kitchen. Two rooms about 15 feet apart and yet the lanolium matches in both. WTF?? Who decorated this place…Helen Keller??

*Disclaimer: We know that Helen Keller passed away on June 1, 1968, and therefore couln’t have decorated this house when it was built 5 years later. We mean no disrespect to the Keller Estate or name. Though we hear there were a lot of brown’s in her house.

Paint HAS to go.

oldcarpet.JPGThis brings me to the carpeting, which covers the upper three levels of the house. This carpeting was put down by the original owners more than 15 years ago. Uh huh…it’s that friggin old. I don’t remember when, but someone in our subdivision told us that the original carpeting was a teal green shag (I think I just threw up a little), but was replaced back in ’91 or ’92, with what currenty lays dead in its place. I’m assuming it’s supposed to be a bone or eggshell color, because that’s what color shows up every time Steve shampoos it.

The owners just before us had a dog. A very BIG dog. And it appears to have had the run of the place. Not only was the place infested with fleas (we discovered in horror just after we moved in and the “sell-the-house-at-all-cost” spray wore off), but all doors, door jams and a few walls had Fido’s scratch marks embedded deeply within them. The carpeting was wrinkling, rumpled, smelled of dog (damn, even I could smell it and my nose hasn’t worked properly since the nose-job deviated septum) and the heavy traffic wear marks would always magically appear hours after cleaning.

Carpet HAS GOT to go!!

Now that we’ve lived here for 5 1/2 years, we’re ready to tackle these three rooms. Oh, we’ve been busy repairing, replacing and making a silk purse out of an otherwise beautiful sow’s ear. New windows are half-finished. New deck has replaced the old. New greenhouse added where no grass would grow. And many more jobs tackled.

This past weekend, Steve said, “Let’s start on the main level. Paint, tile…all the fixins”

I think dogs in the neighborhood were howling from the high-pitched squeal of glee that was my response. My tail was a-waggin’…I couldn’t get to the car fast enough and my nipples could have put someone’s eyes out.

“Oh, well…okay.”, I replied. You know, trying to play it cool.

Bear in mind earlier that morning (Sunday), we awoke to discover that a breaker had tripped and caused the heater in the greenhouse to shut down…THREE DAYS EARLIER!!! Smack dab in between the ice storm and the snow storm. It was a 90% loss on everything I’d been babying all this time. Steve felt really bad for me, as I was sobbing like a baby. And that doesn’t happen very easily. Last time I cried was when my cat (Patches) passed away in 2003.

It took Steve a couple of hours to calm me down. He isn’t nearly as into the whole gardening and plant milieu as I am. Though he does love to look at them and adores everything I plant. But his heart was really in the right place that day and was, after dangling the car keys in front of me, able to talk me down from that emotional ledge.

Okay, I’ll admit, the ledge was actually the second step up on the staircase (which I use to look at him at eye-level) and the keys were to engage my A.D.D. with something shiny. But nevertheless, I was SO ready to jump due to the sadness of the greenhouse loss.

Never let it be said that I’m unwilling to commit.

mommie_dearest_axe.jpgAnyhoo…So we go to pick up the renovation supplies. Tons of tile (literally), gallons of paint and all the fixing “finin’s”. Word to the wise…If you get the same wild hair to paint using a sandstone textured paint, be ready to shell out about $60 per gallon. I swear, each paint can should come with a condom. 😉

That was Sunday. Yesterday, each time I walked through the great room (some call it a living room), I couldn’t help noticing the same old paint and tired carpeting. So I grabbed tools, cutters, gloves and a fashionably stunning smock…and started hacking the carpet like Joan Crawford in the garden.

“Hollywood Royalty!! Box Office Poison!! Poison!! Box Office…Christina…Bring me the axe!!!”

It was horrible! It was goulish!! It was the perfect way to release the still festering rage that was there from the greenhouse fiasco.

The cats just sat there, staring with that look they tend to get when they decide I’m entertaining enough to watch. “Oh look,” they say to one another…”The fuzzy one isn’t declawed, so he gets to tear up the carpeting. Yawn. Boring. Let’s go upstairs and cough a few presents up on his bed for him.”

To be continued…

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2 Responses to “Caution: Gay Construction Ahead – Part 7 – Carpet Munchers”

  1. Eh, waddya gonna du? LOL It was sad but I seem to have a knack for raising plants from the dead. So it’s my Lazirus moment. 🙂

  2. Doug said

    I’m sorry to hear about your greenhouse. That really sucks.

    Glad you got something to distract you, though, aside from shiny objects, that is. Good luck with the renovations!

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