The Tempest Online™

~ Sic gorgiamus allos subjectatos nunc. ~

Insta-Family: Just Add Water Rides

Posted by Daniel on July 13, 2007

Here’s one for the gossip mongers out there. Though I am loathe to feed that insatiable grapevine of gab, I figure you might as well hear all of this from us. Just try to keep an open mind when you read the following.


We’ve decided to ‘adopt’. Uh huh, you read correctly.

We figured if Madonna and Angelina Jolie could make snatching a baby from his family, friends and native surroundings look so easy and chic, then hey, why not us? After all, nobody makes adoption look fashionable the way gays do, right? Thanks to our role model, Tom Cruise. (do we really believe Katie is squeezing out the puppies for him???)

Now, I’ve been telling Steve for years that I want a baby. But since he grimaces at the very thought of stretch marks, that idea kept getting poo-poo’d. So then I thought about adopting a child…

Daniel: “There are so many kids out there that the Pro-Lifers don’t want that need good homes.”
Steve: “I don’t think you’re looking at the big picture here. A child is a huge responsibility.”
Daniel: “I know that. Don’t you think we’re ready to take that step?”
Steve: “My issue is that I already spend half my life cleaning up after you.”
Daniel: “What if we adopt one that’s old enough to dust?”

Obviously, that joke didn’t garner the desired response. So I blew it off for a while.

It was, however, still an open file in the back of my mind. And after repeated requests to Rosie O’Donnell to use her partner as a surrogate, I grew tired of her failure to respond. Thanks for sharing, Rosie!!!

A year has passed since the last time I raised the issue with Steve. I figured this was just one debate I was never going to win. So I did what all gays in this situation do…I became the Daddy figure to our cats. This was hardly a stretch, since I’ve kinda been their bitch since day-one anyway.

So imagine my surprise when Steve told me he’s now ready to have a child. You could have knocked me over with a feather boa.

So giddy was I at the proposal that I was already packing for a hot trip to Malawi or Indonesia. Just as I was finished filling up the steamer trunk with all the appropriate shoes, he told me this one is more local. As in East Coast local. Well hell…that’s going to require a more cosmopolitan wardrobe!!

We are making plans to drive East (within the next two months) to bring home our new bouncing bundle of joy. We’ve already had some quality time with him, and it was decided that he’s the one. Now all we need to do is go there and meet the family. And, like Madonna, we are not above giving them a sizable financial incintive. If memory serves, Madonna paid that family about $2.00 American, so we won’t be so vulgar as to out-do her example.

From what we’ve already observed, the new nose-miner seems to be very smart (for his age), somewhat quiet (until he gets drunk), and really into things that are shiny, sparkle and/or have vibrant colors and buttons. I’ll have to make room in my stroller for when Steve takes us to WalMart. I’ve noticed that he’s no longer got that new-baby smell, but hey, it’s not as though that’ll be a pre-requisite around here anyway.

While he looks more like Steve (blue eyes and the fact that he’s white), one would think he got his mannerisims and quirky – and by “quirky”, I mean “sick” – sense of humor from me. Alas, I cannot take credit for that, though. I think he came by that naturally from his current enviroment.

So while Steve and I are busily discussing the logistics of bringing the new diaper-filler into our immaculate home (i.e. like should we get another cat box?), we are very conscious of the fact that our new poop factory has family and friends that he will be taken away from. Surely we want them to be happy with this occsion. That’s also a very important factor for us. I guess we’ll find that out when we arrive in Hooterville to pick up the Thingamababy.

In the meantime, it has been decided that we will be converting what is now my office into the new nursery. This is obviously a huge deal for me, as it will take weeks just to remove the sticky note wallpaper. New baby furniture will be needed (we’re registered at Baby’s-R-Us, in case you’re feeling philanthropic), as well as all the essentials (rattles, toys, 50 gallon diaper holder, etc.).

I’ve even floated the idea to Steve that maybe he should try wearing maternity clothes. You know, so that folks will not get the wrong idea. I don’t have to tell you the response I got to that little notion. Suffice it to say “Mama” wasn’t exactly thrilled.

So, without further ado…May I introduce the newest addition to our little family (OMG, we are SO “My Two Dads”!!)…

Baby Seth…

Poop Machine Extraordinaire!!

Note: While the above was my lame attempt at artistic license, Seth is, in fact, moving in within the next two months. For a bit more on Seth, visit here.

We Are Family


4 Responses to “Insta-Family: Just Add Water Rides”

  1. Daniel said

    As if you need another reason for that!!!

  2. Seth said

    Ooooh….Laura….babysit me? I will be shitting my pants all day long!

  3. Laura said

    How exciting! Will you be having a baby shower? I give the best presents, I’m famous for making baby blankets, so if you want one, you just let me know 😉 Oh, and ANY time you need a babysitter….you’ve got my number 🙂 Baby Seth is adorable!

  4. RevelKC2 said

    I’m in the middle of my diet-no way was I taking on pregnancy weight…;-) I don’t care if Nancy Grace is older than me and having twins…like she’s SO my example.

    That picture does trigger my mommy response, though. Like when the Mommy hides the child in the attic for a few years….lol

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