The Tempest Online™

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It’s For The Kids, Right?

Posted by Daniel on October 30, 2007

As tomorrow draws closer I came to realize something last night…Halloween is, in a way, a test of wills.

I’ll elaborate…

As is the case every year, Halloween is one of our two favorite holidays and we like to do it up to the hilt. I don’t know if it’s more from the fact that we love to play dress-up, or the decorating we get to do, or if it’s just a good reason to eat the kind of shit we normally pass up the rest of the year.

Normally, Steve and I spend about two months prior trying to come up with some ca-RAZY costume ideas, only to procrastinate with the actual making of said costumes that we have to, in the end, go to the Halloween store and buy something off the rack. Not very original, I know, but it gets the job done.

What’s not to love?!?!?!Then I spend most of the month trying to out-do myself with decorating outside. This has always been a challenge because we have some pretty hard to impress neighbors who love to see what it’s going to look like each year. Well, that and the fact that I’m not above shaming the neighborhood by decorating a la “Roseanne“. I usually know I’m finished – or close to it – when Margie comes out of her house and yells, “Oh my GAWD!!!

This year, however, there were a couple of changes added to the mix. First, Steve is in rehearsals for his upcoming play, “A Shot In The Dark“, so having a Halloween party was out of the question this year. That, plus the fact that he’s always been here to pass out the candy to the Trick-or-Treaters every year. He will not be here for that either.

The other change is that Seth is here. And if you’ve seen us in action you’d know that two very twisted child-like minds being left to their own devices can’t lead to any good.

Some of the graveyard.

More of the madness.

Take the outside decorating, for instance. Seth and I decided early on that we were going to trash the place…tastefully, of course. 😉 Steve specifically said not to over-do it and don’t make it look like anything – or anyone – exploded. So we decided to do a sort of mini cemetery/pumpkin patch theme…with a dead body thrown in and have it all framed with a gi-normous spider web. We even threw a corpse onto the web for good measure. Originally I wanted to put a G. W. Bush mask on the corpse so that the “Decider” could be shrieking at “De Spider”, but after Steve rolled his eyes at the joke, it just didn’t seem funny anymore.

The next day while I was at work, Seth put up a shit-load of stretchy spider webs ALL AROUND the front of the house. You know the kind…it’s in a bag and if you don’t stretch it all out evenly, it ends up looking like you decorated with melted marshmallows. He did a great, if not overzealous job with that.

All of that, coupled with all of the other ghouls and crap we put out, has gotten a lot of passers-by to stop (or at least slow down) to get a better look. And we’ve gotten a lot of compliments already. So self-congratulatory pats on the backs all around.

Our next battle was to come up with something to wear for costumes. Since we already knew we weren’t going to throw one of our usual parties, we really hadn’t planned for this. But Steve wanted all of us to go out to the clubs and meet friends and also dress up. This posed a particular problem, as I hadn’t thought about going out in costume…it’s such a hassle. Especially when some other bitch is wearing the same outfit. Then the nails and heels come off and it Is OWN!!!

So we decided to do something kinda plain and understated this year. T-shirts. Yeah I know…dull-dull-dull. But then I spotted something really fun. WIGS!!! Long wig story short, it took Seth and I and ENTIRE DAY just to do the wigs for the three of us.

Since the wigs already were in a style of being parted down the middle, then afro’d on the sides, we wanted to do something extra special with them.


Steve’s had eyeballs and spiders (it looked like a praying mantis), until the feather boa went on. Since mine was black and I was kinda going with the whole “skull” motif, I decided to make the two skeletons mounted on top have a bit of pornographic fun. For Seth’s red wig, we racked our brains trying to come up with the perfect dressing. So while I was busy wiring my wig sculpture in their subtle positions, Seth was scampering all through the house looking for something to use. He even looked in the garage at tools and spackle. After about five minutes, I look up in time to see him run into the garage with this stupid look on his face.

“I’ve GOT it,” he said.

I look and he’s apparently raided the lawn decorations. He’d pilfered a skull and hand bones and when I saw these and the wig in my head, I squealed with giddy delight. So I went right to work with the sculpting wire and we mounted the pilfered booty to his head/wig. With the proper surgery, he might be able to get that removed, eventually.

The Bitches of Eastwick

Anyway, we all go out to meet Todd and the other hags for a night of laughs and drinks and drinks and drinks and drinks.

Since I didn’t have to be the designated driver this time, I got to play Jello-Shot whore. Word to the wise, don’t ever play Jello-Shot whore…it’s a nasty hangover waiting to happen.

When we get to the first bar, we find Todd and then the rest of the gang. Scott, Tom and Danny decided to show up in drag…or at least what they thought was drag. While Steve, Seth and I looked like the twisted version of the “Bitches of Eastwick“, and Todd looked like Satan’s aunt, the “dragettes” seemed harder for me to tag.

Todd and I…I was stuck because Todd wouldn’t exhale.

So I labeled them thusly…

Scott looked like the aunt that always gives you that big lipstick-shellacked kiss before handing you a piece of stale ribbon candy left over from Christmases past.

Danny looked like the legitimate pre-op daughter of Christopher Walken and Dame Edna.

Tom reminded me of what it would look like if Janet Reno had a hermaphrodite daughter who wanted to be a flight attendant on a stealth bomber.

Tom - Danny - Scott

But who am I to judge, right?

Moving on…

Now we have tomorrow night coming. Since Steve won’t be here to compliment the fairy princesses and Anime characters and pass out candy, it’s up to Seth and I to handle the little beggars.

Of course I’m just a little more jaded when it comes to the concept of Trick-or-Treating. In my humble opinion, kids these days have it easy. They’re escorted by parents from house to house on Halloween and they expect candy, no matter what. And they get it. They don’t have to work for it like we did years ago.

I don’t miss THIS shit!!!

I don’t want to “date” myself here, but back when I was a kid, we all had to work harder for those treats. We were sent out by our parents – unescorted – and invariably had to run the gauntlet of mean and nasty tricksters. When we rang those doorbells, we were either pelted with eggs, toilet papered or some a-hole would open their door and scare the shit out of us. Then, maybe, we’d get candy, but more often or not we’d get some crap like apples (with or without razor blades), popcorn balls (store-bought or homemade, they all tasted like shit), jaw breakers (which we might have to use later as self defense weapons) or the ever-popular toothbrush. While that last one made a little sense to me even then, it was never fun to see how many of them we got when the night was through and it was time to dump out our bags to tally the booty.

Steve and I have never skimped on the candy at this time of year. Remembering our pasts, we decided we’d always have the good stuff to pass out every year. I’m not a big candy eater, but I still like to buy the kind of stuff we would like to eat rather than those biggo bags of mixed shit that has gum, hard candy and otherwise unrecognizable chewy crap. No, we get the good chocolates and lots of it.

In a joking moment, Seth and I thought it’d be fun to set up some kind of trick for the kiddies.

We had thought about making it interesting by gathering up crap from around the house to give to them. Things like old bananas, used leg-shaving razors (without the blades, mind you), empty toilet paper rolls, wadded up napkins, etc. Then we considered just passing out pumpkins. Imagine the look on their faces when they hold out their all-too-large (and presumptuous) candy bags, with their precious yet greedy grins, then having a ten-pound pumpkin plop down on their dreams. Then we thought that that would be too mean. SO…..we tried to rig up a bunch of hidden mechanical boxing gloves around the front door so that when they rang that doorbell, they’d get a taste of Halloweens-Past. THEN they’d get their pumpkins.

Knowing, however, that we were playing hosts in Steve’s stead, and he’d never do something like that, we decided to just pass out the candy and let the chips fall where they may. Seth suggested we take a bite out of each piece of candy before passing it out, but I thought it would be more fun if, when the doorbell rang, we open the door, and say we were all out of candy, while standing there eating it with the full bowls in our hands. The streaming tears on their precious fairy make-up covered faces will add a lovely accent to their make-up effects.

What our handiwork WOULD look like.

Naaaa…we’ll be good. The little angels will get their treats and we’ll not be the tricksters. We’re wacky, but we’re good people for crise-sake!!

Now, I can’t guarantee the fate of those who fall victim to Seth’s spider web snare on the front porch. The way those kids pack together there promises that someone will invariably fall over and get snagged up real good. At which time we’ll have the camera at the ready.

In closing, as Seth and I prepare to welcome the little nose-miners with frivolity and tooth-decaying sweets, and Steve prepares for yet another of his well-received acting roles, the three of us would like to take this opportunity to wish you all a very happy and safe Halloween.

We WOULD do this!!!


3 Responses to “It’s For The Kids, Right?”

  1. Robguy said

    Happy Halloween – it’s one of my favorite as well. When are you coming to Sydney next?

  2. Kirk G said

    Surprise the little bastards… pass out individually wrapped colored condoms! Won’t their parents be surprised when they sort through the bag full of treats and find something for them!

  3. margie said

    Now that I know where the best candy on the block will be (ie chocolate!), don’t be surprised if I dress up and come a knocking 🙂

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