The Tempest Online™

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Archive for November, 2007

Eating My Just Desserts

Posted by Daniel on November 29, 2007

CURSE THESE DRIVERS!!!

You know, at a time of the year where stress is plentiful and cheap thrills are usually four malls and two flat tires away, today I was handed what I can only describe as:

The Best Christmas Present EVER!!!

See, here’s what happened…While working outside today on trying to out-do our neighbors’ “Roseanne”-style holiday decorating, I got a call from Steve asking if I’d make a run to the store for some essentials. So Seth and I get into the truck and go. After a quick stop at McDonald’s (I was in dire need of some french fries), we go to WalMart and get everything on Steve’s list. Here’s where it gets fun.On the way back to the house, I happen to realize that there’s a woman in a minivan behind me. Get this shit…a minivan was stuck driving behind ME!! Oh yeah, baby. B-E-H-I-N-D MEEEEEE!!!

Now, for those you who aren’t familiar with my on-going war against minivans (what…one…two of you at most?) and those who “drive” them, I have been either cut off by them and/or stuck behind the ones where the driver is only going ten miles per hour (at MOST) because they’re too busy on their cell phones while eating their third Little Debbie snack cake and swatting at one or two dozen brats in soccer uniforms.

So color me surprised when I see an impatient woman in a minivan now stuck behind ME. Now, picture me pondering my sweet revenge. Looking at her in the rear view mirror, I can see she’s in a hurry and visibly lasering me with her eyes. I see my opening…and pounce on it like Oprah at a buffet.

This is so precious.I check my speed and realize I’m already going one mile per hour over the posted speed limit (35). With one eye on her and the other on my speedometer, (yeah, for this I developed a lazy eye), I gently eased off the gas until I was going only 35 mph. You should have seen the intense and hilariously animated rage on this woman’s face. Then she started tailgating me. I had to give her points for irony, as I was driving the truck…which does have a tailgate. All the while, Seth is trying to scare the kids she has inside. (something like the picture to the left)

Now, I realize this is supposed to be a festive season with peace on Earth, good will towards men and all that shit, but C’MON!! After all these years of suffering behind those vile frigging minivans, I finally get justice. So forgive me for opening that little present before Christmas. But hey, her vehicle might as well have been there behind me with a biggo red ribbon and bow on it.

Besides, she only had to be behind me for a couple of miles…which included three stoplights and 4 stop signs. Small potatoes compared to the rest of the year when I’m behind her (or one of her minivan club associates) for thirty or so miles.

By the time she got to her turn-off she was beet red and I swear she had some spittle oozing out of the corners of her mouth. I’m sure she arrived at her final destination more than on time and intact.

I can only hope that this little incident has taught her a bit of humility and perhaps how to drive more responsibly.

Not to mention how treat other drivers with the respect we deserve…especially during this festive and joyous time of year.

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Posted in Holiday Fun, Just For Fun, Our Writings | 2 Comments »

Tell Someone Who Cares – 11/27

Posted by Daniel on November 27, 2007

Okay, I just couldn’t resist answering this one…

Dear Tempest:
As you know, Christmas is fast approaching and I have some concerns. Okay, one really. With food. I’ve been good to myself all year by eating right and going to the gym and I’m always very proud of myself and the results. What I’m afraid of is all of that holiday food at all the parties. I dread the guilt of eating even one of my mother’s home-made cookies and fruitcake or how I’ll feel at someone’s party just standing there eating a carrot or something. What can I say? I’m weak around holiday food!! How can I enjoy the season and the food without feeling the guilt and, at the same time, avoid outgrowing the dress I want to wear on New Year’s?

Not so merry (but OH SO HUNGRY) at Christmas
Tucson, AZ

Dear NSMAC,

I, too, hate this time of year…not for it’s crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it’s the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get you through the holidays without gaining tem pounds. You can’t pick up a magazine without finding a list of holiday do’s and don’ts. “Eliminate second helpings, high calorie sauces and cookies made with real butter,” they say. “Fill up on vegetable sticks,” they say.

Let me ask you something: Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick? I didn’t think so. It isn’t mine, either. A carrot was something we left out for Rudolph next to the half-eaten cookies for Santa.

I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow them you’ll be fat…but happy. So what if you don’t make it to New Year’s? How can you compare the one-time wearing of a dress at a New Year’s party to the thunderous applause your thighs will give you after eating that uber fudge??

About those carrot sticks…avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you do see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Hello? Remember college?

Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single malt scotch, it’s rare. (I’m referring to the kind with single malt scotch) In fact, it’s even rarer than single malt scotch. You can’t find it at any other time of the year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has ten thousand calories in every sip? It’s not as though you’re going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think…It’s Christmas!!!

If something on the serving line comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. It doesn’t stand alone on a table. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

Speaking of mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission…or drinking non-alcoholic beer.

Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet tables while carrying ten pound plates of food and that vat of eggnog.

If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes in a store window. You can’t leave them behind or else you’ll never see them again. The same goes for pies. Apple…pumpkin…mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two slices of apple and one pumpkin. Alway have three. What other time of the year do you get to blow out a pair of stretch pants on desserts…Labor Day?!

Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted it’s loaded with the mandatory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean have some standards, people!!!

We all work so hard for eleven and one-half months every year. Don’t we deserve to let ourselves go for two short yet gloriously food and fun-filled weeks? So what if you feel guilty. Isn’t that what we are expected to do? If you don’t feel terrible and guilty when you leave a party or get up from a table, then you haven’t been trying very hard or paying any atttention. Go back…re-read these tips…and start over.

But hurry! Cookie-less January is just around the corner!!!

Many happy returns, (assuming you’ve kept all the receipts)

Tempest

Posted in Bad Advice Meant Well, Holiday Fun, Just For Fun | Leave a Comment »

Tell Someone Who Cares – 11/25

Posted by Daniel on November 25, 2007

It’s really amazing, all the email I receive asking for advice. Taking into account the fact that my writing can only show just how messed up I am, one would think that those out there in Blogland who suffer issues would steer clear of me. Not so. I love all my readers and that includes family and friends. But they asked me to help…so they should take the words they so richly deserve.

With that in mind, I’ve decided to add a new category to my site. So, without further ado, I give you…

New Column Logo

Dear Tempest:
Can you tell me why they put those booths in the malls and supermarkets called “Speaker’s Corner”? Every time I see it on the news it seems they only pick the weirdest looking people to air their stupid questions.
Just wondering,
M. Jones Kansas City, MO

Dear Wondering,

I, too, have noticed the news programs choose the comments made made by those hankering to have a battle of wits (with a box!!) while unarmed. There is a “Speaker’s Corner” in my local market, and I once saw a man and woman arguing over who was asking the more intelligent question. There I was, pondering whether I should get the sushi with or without the wassabe, when the woman asked the man, whom I figured to be her husband, if there was actual pain involved with being as stupid as he was. I quickly picked up a zuccini thinking I might need it in case his retort involved flying objects. Instead, he simply quipped, “I’m your jusband…my whole LIFE is painful.”

Ordinarily I would laughed that one off as marital “bliss”. Imagine my surprise when that little sparring match was the one actually featured on the TV. They probably looked at it as “cute” and “witty”. And it was then that I realized that those kiosks are there for just that reason. Not so much a way for the news stations to keep their fingers on the pulse of America. But, instead to clandestinely catch people being…well…people. Just try to imagine those hours upon hours of tape they couldn’t air. The lady not knowing the camera was running while she unconsciously picked her nose and then asked, “What can be done about all that disgusting graffitti in our city?” Or what about the guy who thought he’d be “big time” by talking to the camera and his friend about the fact that he’d just robbed the store around the corner, then asking the camera (thinking it’d just turned on), “Why is there so much crime?” And who could forget the pair who wanted to “speak up” but then realized they didn’t want to be video taped. (they had just appeared on America’s Most Wanted the night before)

Let me finish by simply saying there are no stupid questions, only stupid people who ask them. So I think we need a “Speaker’s Corner” on every corner…just for the laughs.

Dear Tempest:
With all the health warnings out and advice on foods, I’m perplexed on who to listen to and what advice to take seriously. Please help!!
Deep Fried & Confused Olathe, KS

Dear Deep Fried,

Here is the truth (as I see it, anyway) on food, health & exercise. The following are some of the questions I’ve received and the answers I thought seemed logical.

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats and that’s it. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer. That’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient method of delivering vegetables to your system. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories – animal, vegetable and mineral. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements. So that only leaves on thing, right? My advice…Have a burger and a beer (or wine) and enjoy your fruits and vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. Just remember, you’re not out of shape…after all, round is a shape.

Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to “spot” for him while he did the bench press. What did he mean?
A: “Spotting” for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts as he lifts the weights. It’s an accepted practice at health clubs, though if you find that it becomes the only reason why you’re going to the gym, you probably ought to re-evaluate your exercise program…or at least get his number.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one. Sorry.

Q: If I stop smoking will I live longer?
A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind. If you stop, you’ll probably stress yourself to death in record time.

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you??

Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-up’s prevent me from getting a fatter around the middle?
A: Definitely not!! When you exercise a muscle it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-up’s if you want a bigger stomach.

I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had. Now let me get back to my fried cheese sticks.

Posted in Bad Advice Meant Well, Common Sense, Just For Fun, Our Writings | 2 Comments »

Pick Your Tree

Posted by Daniel on November 24, 2007

DecoratedChristmas comes but once a year, and picking out the perfect tree to jolly up the living room is a family ritual full of fun and promise. But with all the different types of trees out there – which is why we use the tried-and-true fake-olah – , it’s hard to know which one is right for your holiday display. And knowing how to keep it green and fragrant once you deck it out is a talent that eludes many a yuletide reveler.

 

 

Smelling, touching and bouncing are just a few of the tips experts offer for selecting the perfect Christmas tree.

When a tree goes south, ninety-nine percent of the time it’s human error. So before you turn your tannenbaum into the Charlie Brown special, take a few tips on how to pick one, measure for it, and make sure it lasts through December 25 and maybe into the New Year.

Douglas Fir

Measure twice, buy once
Before you head out to the farm or tree lot, make sure you know just what size tree you can fit in your house. Measure the height of your ceiling, but remember to subtract the height of your stand and the tree topper you want to use to get the maximum tree height you can fit. Also clear the space where you’ll put the tree and see how deep it is.

Different species are different girths, so you want to be sure you won’t be squishing the branches against the wall. And keep an eye on the size of your stand. You want to be sure the trunk of your tree will fit in it, and that it’s big enough to keep your tree upright. If you’re upgrading to a larger tree this year, you may need to invest in a bigger stand.

Failure to measure accurately and you could have a tell-tail sign of the mistake: If you go to someone’s house and there is a big, brown streak across the ceiling, that’s usually where they stood up a Christmas tree that was too tall.

Shop local
For the freshest and healthiest tree, you should patronize an established tree farm or a lot that brings in trees from local farms. The ones that the farms sell are grown specifically to retain their needles. Most Christmas trees are cut about 3 to 4 weeks before they arrive on the lot, usually the weekend after Thanksgiving.

Know your species
The variety and popularity of Christmas trees varies geographically. There are about 16 species of Christmas trees around the United States.

The classic tree (and the least expensive) in the Northeast is a balsam fir. It has a deep green color, excellent needle retention, and is one of the most aromatic of all the Christmas trees.

But the up and comer all along the east coast is the Fraser fir. It’s sort of a cousin to the balsam fir — very, very attractive needles, referring to the bluish silver underside found on the branches of this species. Frasers also have good needle retention.

The more expensive choice for the Northeast — but the popular and budget/local choice in the Northwest — is the Douglas fir. It’s more portly in shape, with a paler green color, and soft needles — which make it child friendly. However, the limbs are a bit dainty and will bend under heavy ornamentation.

From North Carolina to Texas, the Arizona cypress is a hit. It has a steel blue color with soft needles and a lemony mint aroma.

But the biggest seller — and low-budget choice — in the South is pine, particularly Virginia pine, with its straight trunk and a classic pine scent. However, Virginia pine, has a lot of pitch, the natural resin that makes the branches and trunk sticky.

If you’re allergic to pitch you might consider the Leyland cypress; which has very little scent or pitch and a deep green color.

In the Mid-Atlantic states, the eastern white pine shows up in most tree lots. It’s a basic, inexpensive pine that grows well at low altitudes.

In the colder parts of the Midwest, the hardy Scotch pine, which grows well near the Canadian border, gets glowing recommendations for its soft, hairlike, striped needles and its ability to stand up well to transportation.

Tree lovers in the Southwest usually go for the Monterey pine, which is deep green in color and has medium length needles and a bushy overall appearance.

In the West, especially around the Rocky Mountains, the Colorado blue spruce is a local favorite. It has a rounded pyramid shape, which gives it a very full appearance. It has fragrant but sharp needles, and a silvery or bluish color.

For more tree species, check out the Brooklyn Botanic Garden’s Identify Your Christmas Tree section.

Get a live one (or at least a not-so-dead one)
Once you’re perusing the lot, picking the right tree is like picking ripe mango: you should smell and touch.

Test the branches. Grab any branch on the tree between your thumb and forefinger, gently clamp down and pull towards yourself. If you end up with a handful of needles, the tree is already past its prime.

Crush the needles in your hand and then check the scent. If the tree doesn’t smell enough, don’t buy it.

Bounce the tree by holding it a few inches above the ground and dropping it. If the exterior needles fall off, it’s sure sign of a bad apple. Needles that fall off from the interior of the tree are normal.

Make absolutely sure the tree’s trunk fits your stand. Trimming the diameter of the tree by cutting away the bark will strip the tree of its cambium layer, which absorbs water. If this happens your tree is a goner.

Wrap it up
Before you tie up the tree, have the lot attendant put it through a shaker (if they have one — some farms use a blower, though a vigorous bounce will do as well). This will shake off any dead, interior needles. Don’t worry — it’s perfectly natural for an evergreen to have some dead needles on it from fall. Then have the tree sent through the baling machine to wrap it in netting for easy transport.

Make a fresh cut
Cutting the end off the trunk is critical to opening up the veins that will deliver water to the branches. Use a pruning saw, and take at least an inch off. You can have the lot do it before you leave if you’re headed for home, but you should wait if you’re going to be out more than four hours. Otherwise, the end will glaze over with new pitch, and the tree won’t take up water.

Up she goes
Now you’ll have to fit the tree into the stand. Most stands have small prongs in the bottom to hold the center of the tree. After the trunk has been cut you may have to remove a few bottom limbs so that you can make contact with those prongs and the bottom of the trunk rests on the bottom of the tree stand — if not, the tree could swing side to side. While the tree is still wrapped in mesh, place it on its side and use a rubber mallet to drive the stands’ prongs securely onto the trunk before tightening up the thumbscrews that hold the tree in the stand. Before tilting the tree vertical, set down some newspaper or an old rug under where the stand will be to catch any spilled water.

Drink up
Once the tree is upright, add clean water — a lot of it — as soon as possible. People have to understand the first couple of days the tree is going to suck up at least a gallon of water. The actual amount a tree can consume varies, so be vigilant the first two days, refilling when the stand gets low until the levels stay steady. Never let the water level drop beyond the cut end or you run the risk of pitch forming, which will seal off the tree’s ability to absorb water. Roger also doesn’t see the need for any additives, like aspirin or plant food, as long as the water is clean and fresh.

Decorate safely
With the tree upright and hydrated, cut off the mesh and spread out the branches. Most trees will settle and open up over a couple of hours, so you should wait to start hanging lights and ornaments. Then check all your lights for shorts and trouble spots before you string the tree, and never ever put the tree near the fireplace or lighted candles. A Christmas tree is just one flame away from a forest fire. Also, keep glass ornaments higher on the tree, especially in households with small children, who might knock them over an break them. Then enjoy your decorations for the duration, until it’s time to take everything down.

Responsible disposal
There are a few ways to recycle your tree when the holidays are over. Chop it into smaller pieces and put it directly right into your compost pile, or put it through the chipper to make mulch. If you need to throw it away, check with your town — most schedule set days for tree pickup, when they come around with a chipper to turn the trees into landscaping materials or haul them off to a landfill. However, beware: Most towns won’t take trees that are wrapped in any un-organic material, like the plastic disposal bags. So if you want to be neat about disposal, wrap the tree in craft paper before hauling it out to the curb.

Posted in Holiday Fun, Our Writings | Leave a Comment »

Poop Can Be Art Too!

Posted by Seth on November 21, 2007

   I’m just sitting here, a little bored and a little deep in thought. I figured since I get writers block like a whore gets crabs, I would write what’s on my mind.

   I just took my morning constitutional, and it got me to thinking about a few things. That’s usually when I do my best thinking, or should I say stinking…hehe!

   Your poo is kind of like a mold of your innards. Why wait until you get to the appropriate age to have your first colonoscopy or when a problem arises to see what your rectum looks like? I say freeze dry your poo and shalack it! Wait until it’s “a good one”, get the gloves, and make a pretty centerpiece for your mantle or an end table. Some people can take this advice and avoid the embarassing phrase “WOW! Honey get the camera!”

 Teach your children about poop!
    Depending on your previous meals, you could also use freeze dried, shalacked poo as a paperweight. It’s not too heavy, it’s subtle, and it would fit right in your hand! It’s very appropriot for bills and dog poo works too.

Your pup’s poo is timeless!

Butt sex can be messy.

   If you think about it, your only renting your food. It goes in, it comes out. Why not put your hard earned money to use and keep your poo! Hey, you can even start a collection and later carve things out of it, like little nick-knacks, a Christmas village, or a bust of your favorite celebrity! No joke, I’ve heard of poo looking like Joe Pescie!

   I personally think poop is gross and it stinks, but I’m not opposed to giving advice on art or home decor.

Posted in Common Sense, Just For Fun, Our Writings, Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

Job Jumping: It’s Just Not My Style

Posted by Seth on November 21, 2007

   Well, it’s been a week since I started my new job at the news station. I was all excited about it and very enthusiastic to start. It turns out that job was not what I expected.

   I may be a big baby and I may have complained a lot to Steve and Daniel, but that job was NOT what I had hoped! It was far from my expectations. They didn’t mislead me in my interviews or anything; I just got my hopes up too high. It just wasn’t what I wanted. I hate it that I just got the job and I left it. It’s TOTALLY out of my character to get a job and quit!

   The only thing that job had going for it was the pay. It was more than double what I was used to. Plus the benefits and it was full time.

   I was being dumbed down. I’m used to doing the jobs of, what I counted, 11 people! My old job trained me to be more of a multitasker and know more about how the news business works. I miss that! With this job, I didn’t have the physical, social, or mental outlet. Plus, the people there are not that pleasant. The few that are, I would never get to work with them. Everyone keeps to themselves and that’s it.

   So, what did I do? I started looking again. I’ve never been a job jumper, but I had to get out of there! I was NOT going to waste my time at a job I hated. More power to anyone who can stick it out, but I need more than what they had to offer. I like being the happy go lucky Seth.

   Last Friday I interviewed at a portrait studio. I was really excited about it! The people are great, the pay is great, the hours, time off, etc… This job has so much more to offer me! Yesterday I got the call and they offered me the job. YAY! So, I took it. I start Monday.

   I feel bad for leaving the station after one week, but again, I’m not going to stay at a job where I’m not happy. Luckily I’m getting out before they have to cover my shift. I was still in training.

   So yeah…I quit my job for another. It was a move I’m not going to apologize for.

Posted in Just For Fun, News, Our Writings, Today's Rant, Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »

Annie’s Dirty Little Secret

Posted by Daniel on November 19, 2007

Okay, so Seth and I were just sitting here one recent day with our thumbs up our asses (waiting for a delivery driver to arrive), when we start playing one of our favorite games…

“How Can We Fuck With Annie’s Head Now?”

Annie – or, as it shows on her birth certificate, Annastasia “Get Out Of There” Beaverhausen – is mine and Steve’s youngest cat. She adopted me at work one day two years ago and since she was a newborn at the time, has proven to be very easy to retard mentally. She’s a big scary ball of stupidity and fun, which gives us plenty of ways to shame her.

While we were just sitting here playing some stupid game online, Annie came in and decided it was time for us to pay attention to her. Fortunately, she’s like a goldfish in that she easily forgets all the shit we did to bore her an hour ago.

Again, fun but stupid. She couldn’t have picked a better house to crash at.

She stomps around on the bed making all kinds of annoying noise until one of us gets up, dangles the ribbon she’s torn to shreds in front of her big creepy eyes, and she’s once again in kitty nirvana.

This led me to wonder just what it is that she does when no one is around to entertain her or trip over her in the hallway.

Is she like the other cats who just sleep all day while we’re all at work, waking only long enough to saunter down to the litter box to drop a steamer?

See, I think there’s more to a cats life than we think. In my twisted mind, these varmints are all waiting until we leave the house, then they start going through our stuff. Trying on our shoes, dipping our toothbrushes in the toilet, drinking our liquor, etc. Don’t laugh. If you own a cat, hasn’t that very thought run through your head on at least one occasion?

Uh huh…thought so.

Computer Literate AnnieOur other three cats (gawd we’re gay!!!) aren’t such a big concern, but Annie is an entirely different can of worms. This is one twisted little fur-covered freak of nature who, and don’t laugh, probably knows how to use a computer. This is how I see it…

After we all head off to work, Annie goes downstairs to squeeze out her morning poopie-doo’s, then makes herself a nice steaming cup of coffee and waddles upstairs to one my office. Once she plops down in my chair, she takes a biggo sip of coffee, then lights a cigarette and begins closing down any programs currently running on my PC. After all, what could possibly be so interesting about reading the online news or writing or whatever other crap I may have left on the desktop?

Annie’s Favorite HauntsSo she leans back and as she’s taking a long puff on her Virgina Slim, she opens a browser and heads right over to her “Bookmarks” section. Normally she’d just go read the daily online news headlines, but this morning she’s feeling kinda frisky.

Checking over her shoulder, she makes sure the other felines are nowhere around. They’ve been asking her for quite some time to teach them how to play video games – Mousetrap is their all time favorite – and she keeps giving them the brush off.

Besides, cats suck at using the joystick and gawd knows what she’d do if they accidentally erased vital programs or files.

The coast being clear, she scrolls over to and opens her bookmarks. There it is. Her six nipples are already getting hard just seeing the name.

A double click away from her favorite banner, she clicks the mouse that long ago she realized she could not, in fact, eat.

One more click, then…

Purrrrrrrrfect!!!

That familiar opening theme music washes over her like the thought of a black pant leg of an unsuspecting visitor.

Note: Really, it isn’t music at all…it’s just a recording of someone shaking a bag of dry cat food with some sounds of a can of wet cat food opening edited in. I guess that’s just music to a cats’ ears.

So she starts perving out looking at her favorite porn site…

Scratch me like the bitch I am!!! Spank me…I’ve been REALLY naughty!!

cat_toy.jpg Lasagna, Bitch!!

Lick Me!!!!

Yeah, she’s even into chicks.

So she’s gettin’ her groove on pounding her puddy, going to town on herself like Garfield on a lasagna.

Speaking of Garfield, as it turns out, Annie is one of his biggest fans. And I don’t mean that in the sense that her Martha Dump Truck girth would imply. No, she really does have a thing for him. I recently came across a saved copy of one of her Instant Message chats that she, for some perverted reason, had saved. In it, they discussed all sorts of lewd and/or vile sexual scenario’s.

NermalOne involving him doing her “doggie-style” and, just for shits and grins, forcing that sissified little pussy Nermal to watch. I don’t even want to know what Odie would be doing with them.

So, there it is. Annie not only wallows in her zoftig cat bliss while we’re around, but obviously can’t wait for us to leave each day so that she can get her perverted little feline porn fix on.

Posted in Cat Shit, Just For Fun, Our Writings | 1 Comment »

Blank-Check Bush Misses His GOP Pork

Posted by Daniel on November 14, 2007


President Bush vetoed a $600 billion spending bill Tuesday, accusing Democratic leaders of wasting money and plotting tax increases, then took his budget fight with Congress on the road.

Congress should cut spending “and send me a responsible measure that I can sign into law,” Bush said.

“The majority was elected on a pledge of fiscal responsibility, but so far, it’s acting like a teenager with a new credit card,” he said in a speech in New Albany, Indiana.

The ironic white elephant in the room in Albany was where Bush seems to forget the 6-year blank check he was given by the GOP-run Congress and Senate before the Democrats took over last November. Like a drunken teenage sailor, he chose to use no veto on any spending measures sent to his desk by Republicans. In that regard, Bush is now acting like a teenager whose had his coke dealer-issued credit card cut in half by the guy at the Orange Julius store in the mall.

The bill — which Bush said was laden with $10 billion in “pork” — would have funded the departments of Labor, Education, and Health and Human Services. It also would have funded projects such as a prison museum, a sailing school and a program to teach Portuguese.

“Congress needs to cut out that pork, reduce the spending and send me a responsible measure that I can sign into law,” the president said.

While polls show Bush’s popularity remains at near-record lows, Congress ranks even lower as a whole. The president has taken numerous opportunities to mock the spending habits of the Democratic leadership and force confrontations over the appropriations bills needed to fund the government for the 2008 budget year, which began October 1.

The bill Bush vetoed Tuesday includes about $150 billion to run those departments and more than $450 billion in mandatory spending on Medicare and Medicaid, the federal health care programs for the elderly and poor, according to the House Appropriations Committee. The committee’s chairman, Rep. David Obey, called Bush’s veto “not responsible and not credible.”
“This is a bipartisan bill supported by over 50 Republicans,” Obey, D-Wisconsin, said in a statement issued after the veto. “There has been virtually no criticism of its contents. It is clear the only reason the president vetoed this bill is pure politics.”

Bush said Democrats are supporting $22 billion in additional spending beyond his budget proposals this year and $205 billion over five years — money he said would ultimately be raised by tax increases.

“When the bill for all that spending comes due, Congress is going to turn to the working people, to the small-business owners and the entrepreneurs,” he said.

Tuesday’s veto is the fifth cast since Democrats took control of Congress in 2006. Congress has overridden one of those, voting last week to authorize $23 billion in water projects nationwide over the president’s objections.

Democrats will schedule another override vote this week, an aide to House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer said. But Antonia Ferrier, spokeswoman for House Republican Whip Roy Blunt, said Bush’s GOP allies are confident they will be able to sustain the veto.

Bush signed a $470 billion Pentagon spending bill that covers the Defense Department’s normal operations, but Democrats split $50 billion in spending for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan off into a “bridge fund” to which they plan to attach demands for Bush to withdraw U.S. combat troops. The measure sets up another confrontation with the White House.

Bush also demanded Congress reform the alternative minimum tax — a measure originally aimed at preventing the wealthy from evading taxes, but one that increasingly affects middle-class earners — without raising additional revenue. He said a plan proposed by Rep. Charles Rangel, the Democratic chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee, to eliminate the tax was unacceptable.

“Preventing a tax increase in one area should not be an excuse for raising taxes in other areas,” Bush said. “Congress should eliminate the tax increases in the bill and send the AMT relief to my desk as soon as possible.”

The elimination of the tax would cause an estimated $800 billion to be lost over 10 years. To replace that, Rangel’s bill would add a 4 percent surtax on individual incomes over $100,000, after deductions, and close corporate tax loopholes. The bill also would cut rates for many individual and corporate taxpayers. Republicans have already started calling it “the mother of all tax increases.”

“With all the other pressures on our economy, raising taxes is one of the most unwise things Congress could possibly do,” Bush said.

Bush acknowledged the difficulties Americans face from high fuel prices, a “challenged” housing market and “uncertainty” in financial markets stemming from the collapse of the subprime mortgage market — “but as we have seen in recent years, this economy is resilient, and that’s important for the American people to understand.”

Posted in Common Sense, Media Matters, Politics | 2 Comments »

It’s About Damn Time!

Posted by Seth on November 13, 2007

Finally! After three months of unemployment, stress, and anxiety, I finally got a job! I start tomorrow at the Fox station here in KC! Having patience has once again proven itself to me. It could be worse. I could be a janitor right now.

My job title is Production Assistant and I will be operating studio cameras and graphics for the news. It’s not a far cry from what I was doing back in West Virginia, except the pay.

 I just thought I would share it with the world that after months of bitching, complaining, and worrying, I’m finally going to once again be getting a paycheck!

 Tomorrow is my first day and I will let everyone know all the details. Wish me luck!

Posted in Just For Fun, News, Our Writings, Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

A Night Of The Stage

Posted by Seth on November 6, 2007

For the past few months, Steve has been going to and from play practice. Daniel and I havn’t  seen too much  of him lately because of this. Daniel has made the rounds with Steve about practices and stuff for a few years now. I’m new to it. I was in theater at one point, and I know how demanding, stressful, and busy it can be. So I just decided to stay out of his hair while he’s doing this. I know how much concentration it takes.

After a couple months of practices, I’m wondering what the play is going to be about what part Steve plays in it. All I really know, up until this past weekend, is Steve is one of the lead characters. YAY for him! All last week we were planning a cast party for him and all his friends. We were busy all day Saturday getting ready for the party, going to the play, and then the party afterwards. Saturday was interesting to say the least! So here’s my take on the whole thing.

After cleaning and getting ready all day, Daniel and I went to the play. The performance was great, Steve was outstanding, but there was a few fall-backs. It’s almost expected to happen anytime you go to the theater, movies, or whatever. We had great seats, if you exclude the others sitting around us. To my immediate left was Jabba the Sleepy Slut. Ok, so she wasn’t a slut, but she was a BIG OLE GAL and she WAS sleepy! About two seconds after the lights dimmed, she passed out. I was distracted and really couldn’t pay much attention to the play because I was afraid the lady was going to suck me in! After I recognized this, I turned to Daniel to get his attention and he was already watching her. We had a good little chuckle over it. I think she heard us because she woke up while we were pointing and laughing. She didn’t fall asleep after that. Smart woman!

In front of Daniel was sitting some old guy with big fluffy hair. Daniel had to keep shifting around to see past the mountainous fro before him. I really don’t know how much he could see, I had a perfect view.

Anyway, we had to leave a few minutes early to finish preparing for the gathering. We rushed home as fast as we could. They would be there very soon. It turns out we were in a hurry to wait. They took a bit longer than we expected. So here we are, at home waiting. The cheese was boiling, the weenies were wrinkling, and the pizza’s were turning hard and gross. We were a little concerned that they were taking so long, so we grabbed a couple of beers. Daniel finally called him to see what the hold up was. It turns out things just took a bit longer than expected and they were leaving the theater right then. So we downed our beers and checked over everything.

 About 20 minutes later, EVERYONE showed up all at one time. I was a little overwhelmed and felt all of the sudden rushed. So, I grabbed another beer. It’s the heal-all for me.

 After introducing myself and meeting everyone, I stationed myself by Daniel and the food. We didn’t know hardly anyone, so we stood back, drank, and made fun of people. They’re all really nice, but NO ONE is safe from our humor. Before we knew it, we had plopped outside and were perfectly content getting drunk.

Pretty soon the night was over, people were leaving, and clean-up time was approaching us. Blah…I hate cleaning up when I’m drunk! Daniel got off his foot cause it was swelling out of his shoe, and Steve and I did the work. After that I went to check on Daniel, and he was pretty much out of it.

 Overall, it was a very good night. The play was great, Steve’s performance was outstanding, the food was good, and I got drunk. What more could I ask for?  Pictures maybe, but we were too drunk to remember that. Sorry for not having any!

Posted in Just For Fun | 2 Comments »