The Tempest Online™

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Christmas Song Lyrics To Avoid

Posted by Daniel on December 21, 2007

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No. 1. “Frosty the Snowman,” especially the line “He was made of snow but the children know how he came to life one day.” Was Frosty’s nose a genetically modified carrot, is he a clone and just why is he a he and the pipe, that’s just wrong. My advice: this song is just so bad, leave it out.

No. 2. Lines such as “Make the yuletide gay” and “Don we now our gay apparel” may not fly in Bush’s America. Don’t perform in Washington or Texas.

No. 3. A panoply of problems in “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town”: First of all, this business of “making a list, checking it twice” smacks of Pat Robertson’s attack on people with disabilities. “He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake” (!). Well, that sort of surveillance is what happens when you contract out sensitive government medical files to big American companies. I suggest refraining from singing this ode to the “coalition of the willing” until after the next 2008 election.

No. 4. “May all your Christmas be white.” I recommend: “May all your holidays be gloriously enriched with the multicultural diverse tapestry (union made) we used to enjoy in America.”

No. 5. “God rest ye merry gentlemen.” Should have been changed when women became persons.

No. 6. In “Silent Night,” the phrase “round yon virgin” makes certain Americans, (like Larry Craig and Mark Foley), really squeamish. Instead, sing “Round yon well-raised young woman.”

No. 7. “Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose.” It is, of course, in poor taste to point out a difference or disability – doubly disconcerting if sung in Texas while Vice-President Cheney is driving.

No. 8. Difficulties accrue in “The Twelve Days of Christmas.” Here, the person known as “my true love” gave “nine ladies dancing” and “eight maids a-milking.” Combined with the general “ho, ho, ho” motif of the holidays, this trafficking in women is a moral powder keg. And later lyrics introduce “11 pipers safely piping,” an obvious drug reference. Leave out the eighth and ninth days, and you still have ten days of Christmas. Change the 11th day to “11 pipers safely piping.” If in the US of A leave this out. This will have you hauled in as a drug supported terrorist and shipped to Syria for reprogramming.

No. 9. “The first Noel, the angels did say / Was to certain poor shepherds in fields as they lay.” Why “poor” shepherds? Why characterize their socioeconomic status at all? Couldn’t they be “hard-working shepherds”? And the song ends with “born is the king of Israel.” Steer clear of Middle East references in these testy times.

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