The Tempest Online™

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Archive for January, 2008

Third Time’s A Charm!

Posted by Seth on January 31, 2008

Here we go again! I’m going for my third job since I’ve been here in Kansas City. It’s only taken 6 months to finally get somewhere, but I’ve been patient long enough. It sounds like a really good place to start out. It’s working in the mailroom for Fidelity. I know many people who have started out in the mail or laundry room for companies, and they’re now set in their career and making the big bucks. I’m all about the advancement!

Like I said, it’s the third job since I’ve moved. The first one, working for a local TV station, didn’t pan out the way I had hoped. Working for news is an awesome opportunity! I just couldn’t take it there, so I found something else.

The second job I had, working for a portrait studio. That didn’t turn out at all how I planned! After less than a week, I was laid-off because of over hiring. So, I guess I got what I deserved for leaving the news station.

I knew something would eventually come available! From what my new boss told me in my interview, this place is right down my alley! It’s very relaxed, open-minded, easy work day, lots of downtime to get personal work done, and everyone I met seems great. It reminds me, already, of my old job back in WV. The pay is pretty good, but the benefits are GREAT! Another great thing about this place are the hours. Daniel and I can carpool pretty much everyday. That makes it so much easier on the vehicles and gas!

I’m really happy about this job. I plan on sticking with this one, as long as they decide to stick with me!

Posted in Just For Fun, News, Our Writings, Today's Rant, Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

Patient Zero

Posted by Daniel on January 28, 2008

Nurse RATCHET At Your ServiceWell today Seth went in for his dental surgery and it’s been quite an emotional build up to this point.

Four wisdom teeth had to be removed in the same sitting.

Ouch!!

Now, for several days leading up to today’s surgery I have been razzing him by telling him all the fun things I planned to do to him during his recovery.

You know what I mean.  Dressing him up in ridiculous outfits…bad lighting…embarrassing photos of the drool puddles and puffy cheeks.  Hell, I even went so far as to make him one of those biggo funnels like they put on a dogs’ head so that he doesn’t lick the stitches.

Poor little thing.  You should have SEEN how pitiful he looked when he was in the recovery room coming out of the anesthesia.   Dazed and confused like someone had moved his food dish.

And what do you think happens when I get him home and put to bed, surrounded by cold liquids to drink, puddings and Jello’s at the ready…pain killers ready to be popped?

I’ve Lost ItNothing.

I just couldn’t bring myself to humiliate him.

What is the DEAL?!?!?!?!

Have I just lost my touch?  Has the evil I so pride myself for possessing simply bled out of me like so much armpit sweat?  How could I pass up such a golden opportunity??

Do I just brush off my horns and toss my pitchfork to the junk heap?

What…you think it’s that easy?  You think all those years honing my skills at work on the Dark Side were for nothing??

Grow up, Minerva!!

Without further ado…

Here’s what he looked like before the surgery:

Eeeewww!!!

 .

…and here’s the new Seth!!!

 Eeewww….even WORSE!!!

Posted in Family, Friends, Just For Fun, Our Writings | 5 Comments »

“Gay-Assed” Music Go Bye-Bye

Posted by Daniel on January 26, 2008

Okay, so being bored and in need of something yummy to knosh on for brunch today, (sue me, I felt lazy and didn’t want to cook) I went to see Scott and Ray. You might remember them better as contributors to The Tempest, were it not for the fact that they don’t write so much as consult.

While inviting them to maybe a nice fern-filled cafe for a mimosa, omelette and bloody Mary, Ray suggested we stop by the grocery for some biscuit fixins’ and he’d love to cook.

‘Nuff said. Off we flew.

When we get there, we go into their garage to have a smoke with Scott while Ray is busy in the kitchen whipping up his world famous biscuit buddies.  

While chatting, Scott informs me that I needed to get rid of the music on this site.

Now, I’ve received a few comments/emails regarding that, but nothing in the negative.  So I explained to him what I’ve told others.  It was, quite simply, just a little widget I was trying out to see if the site could support something like that.  

I’ll admit, my choices for the playlist reached across the years for the “gayest” music possible.  Hey, it could have been a lot worse, it was all I could do to restrain myself from adding “Can’t Stop The Music” by the Village People!!!

Anyway, I promised Scott I’d take the widget down (it’s still there, Scott…waiting to be re-added…so don’t push it).

Later while chowing down on Ray’s delicious brunchies, I began to plot my newest annoying widget.

So the pressure is on.  Ray will out do himself on the next brunch…and I will do the same with my music.

Posted in Friends, Our Writings | 5 Comments »

The “Christian Right” Are Neither

Posted by Daniel on January 24, 2008

johngibson1.jpgOpening his radio show with funeral music yesterday, Fox News host John Gibson callously mocked the death of actor Heath Ledger, calling him a “weirdo” with a “serious drug problem.”

Playing an audio clip of the iconic quote, “I wish I knew how to quit you” from Ledger’s gay romance movie Brokeback Mountain, Gibson disdainfully quipped, “Well, he found out how to quit you.” Laughing, Gibson then played another clip from Brokeback Mountain in which Ledger said, “We’re dead,” followed by his own, mocking “We’re dead” before playing the clip again.

I listened to it several times. This bastard is sick.

var flvGibsonMocksLedger3204019035 = new SWFObject(\’/wp-content/plugins/flvplayer.swf?file=http://video.thinkprogress.org/2008/01/GibsonMocksLedger.320.40.flv&autoStart=false\’, \’em-flvGibsonMocksLedger3204019035\’, \’320\’, \’60\’, \’6\’, \’#ffffff\’); flvGibsonMocksLedger3204019035.addParam(\’quality\’, \’high\’); flvGibsonMocksLedger3204019035.addParam(\’wmode\’, \’transparent\’); flvGibsonMocksLedger3204019035.write(\’flvGibsonMocksLedger3204019035\’);

Throughout the course of the show, Gibson continued to bring up Ledger’s death while discussing current events, jokingly claiming that current events may have caused him to commit suicide.

On yesterday’s drop in the stock market:

GIBSON: Maybe he had a serious position in the market.

TOM SULLIVAN: And possibly today, he looked at the window and said…

GIBSON: Oh my God.

SULLIVAN: His name’s not Keith Bledger, right?

GIBSON: He was depressed about yesterday’s downturn in the world stock markets.

On the Democratic debate in South Carolina:

GIBSON: Apparently Heath Ledger was suicidal and his friends saw it coming. I think he watched the Clinton-Obama debate last night. I think he was an Edwards guy, cause he saw his Edwards guy was just completely irrelevant.

In reality, New York City Police spokesman Paul J. Browne told the New York Times that there was “no obvious indication of suicide.”

You stay classy, John Gibson.

We at TheTempestOnline encourage readers to complain to Fox News about Gibson’s comments.

UPDATE:
John Gibson attempts a lame attempt at an apology for mocking Heath Ledger’s death. FOX Network either develops a conscience or advertisers threaten to pull ads. Hmmm…Wonder which it was…

GIBSON: Now it’s time for “My Word.” I have received comments regarding remarks I made on my radio show the other night after the shocking death of Heath Ledger. I’m sorry that some took my comments as anti-gay and insensitive. I’m aware that Ledger has a family and many fans who were grief-stricken by his sudden death.

As I speak, a crowd is gathering at the funeral home where Ledger’s funeral services will be held. Those who knew him say he was a good actor and a loving dad. And what happened to him was terrible, but was evidently an accident. Once again, to anyone offended by my comments, I’m sorry. But I’m also sorry that Heath Ledger is no longer alive and with us.

Posted in Common Sense, GLBT, Media Matters, News, Op-Ed, Our Writings, Politics, Religion, Today's Rant | Leave a Comment »

A Bad Rap?

Posted by Seth on January 22, 2008

I know I’m only 24 and many don’t see that as old enough to “have experience” or “have been around the block.” The fact is, being from West Virginia, and others from rural states/towns, you put up with a lot of shit. What kind of shit am I talking about? Among of the plethora of overblown, outrageous stipulations, we are not…

Trashy

Moronic

Ignorant

Hicks

Uneducated

Weak

Easily pushed over

Illiterate

Retarded

AND WE ARE NOT SHOELESS!!!

It’s not just West Virginian’s; it’s primarily anyone from a poverty stricken state/region/or area.

It’s not our fault our piss poor government doesn’t give a shit about us.

Just because we don’t have the means to blow money, doesn’t mean you’re better than us. At least we’re proud of what we have; we respect it, and share it without guidelines, stipulations, or an unspoken treaty that you submit to us. We don’t pretend like we have a thumb over someone and belittle him or her because we “THINK” we’re better than them. I’m not going to apologize for not fitting into your ridiculous mold of what a human being should be.

christina2.gif
It’s not just a money issue. It’s a pretentious, self-absorbed, highfalutin, pompous, narrow-minded asshole with an “Oh Holier Than Thou” attitude! I just don’t get it! I don’t understand how one human can try and make another human fall in line behind them and play Mother May I or Follow The Leader. I mean come on! What the hell kind of logic can be going through a person’s head when they do this? Where the hell is Aretha when we need some respect?

If you kind of people can hop off your high horse for a second, you might want to hear this. You in fact do put your pants on the same way we serfs do! OH MY GAWD YES I’M SERIOUS!!! You also eat, drink, sleep, breathe, and shit like us too! Yes, it may seem dirty, out of order, and maybe outlandish to think such horrid things, but it’s true! I promise! You’re human just like us.

I ask these kinds of people, do you know where your money and your shit attitude is going to get you?

“Ooooh Ooooh pick me! I know, I know!”

It gets you NO FUCKING WHERE! You run a great chance of losing friends, families, and even your significant other and you will end up alone with your goldfish.

I know it’s not just people from small towns enduring this crap, everyone runs across this overbearing attitude shit. Being from a small town, I just see it far to often.

Just a word of advice to people like that from people like me, we don’t put up with that shit. We do not budge, submit, cater to your needs, or pretend like we owe you our lives. Me personally, I am stubborn, relentless, driven, and loud. When pushed to my limit, I can be malicious, spiteful, hateful, and I will be hurtful. I rarely get to that point, but I can be pushed. Just don’t fuck with me and I won’t fuck with you.

Posted in Common Sense, Friends, Just For Fun, Our Writings, Today's Rant, Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

What The Huck???

Posted by Daniel on January 19, 2008

Huckster2

Most Americans are too busy worrying about how much Britney Spears had to drink last night to fret about researching the backgrounds of the Presidential candidates they might vote for.

“True Christians™”, however, are rejoicing for America’s lack of interest in politics, since it means that church going folks will determine yet again who spends the next four years in the White House. “Pastor Huckabee is one of the nicest men you will ever meet,” a Deacon told a crowd of fellow Iowans last week. “And that’s really all American voters who are undecided, need to know. Because if they knew any more than that, they’d pee their pants and run screaming for their lives!” Deacon Fred believes that by this time next year, Americans will find themselves living in a country being run by a Southern Baptist Preacher named, Mike Huckabee. “Rev. Huckabee is a Fundamentalist, Evangelical, Republican, Old Time Gospel preacher from the deep south who hates homosexuals, the Theory of Evolution, lazy colored folks, liberals, abortion doctors, and loves the Baby Jesus just as much as I do,” he said. “He is on top of the polls, and Americans love him! I thought the media would get upset if someone told them that homosexuals should be shipped off to live on an island far away from normal people! Well, I was wrong! Pastor Huckabee knows what Americans really think, and he sure as heck ain’t afraid to say it! The media even gives the good Pastor prime spots on major talk shows! Praise! Glory to God for brother in Christ, Pastor/President Wannabe Mike Huckabee! And thank you, American voters, for doing right by God.”

We should all be fucking running scared for the hills if these assholes continue to run the world. I’m just sayin’.

Huckster1

Pastor/President Wannabe Huckabee promised his brothers and sisters in Jesus back in 1998 at a meeting of Southern Baptist Preachers that the true reason he left the pulpit for politics is that God wants him to take this nation back for Jesus Christ. Sound too good to be true? Let the facts speak for themselves. “We’re praying that once Pastor Huckabee takes office, God willing, he’ll focus on jump-starting a long overdue Armageddon and get the United States back on track with Baby Jesus,” says Deacon Fred. “America is a Christian Nation, and if you ain’t a Christian, you’d best start looking for another place to live, because we’re tired of putting up with your nonsense! And Pastor Huckabee won’t stand for it either, because the Bible commands him not to! Glory!

As True Christian™ voters, we’ve gathered a list of all of Pastor/President Wannabe Mike Huckabee’s beliefs and placed them below. Please feel free to spread the good news of Jesus Christ and Pastor/President Wannabe Huckabee to your family and friends so they know without a doubt who God wants them to put into the White House for the upcoming election.

What Does Pastor/President Wannabe Hillbilly Mike Huckabee Believe?*
Some of this may be repetitive for many of you who are already familiar with what all ordained Southern Baptist Hillbilly Pastors believe:

  1. He believes that people who don’t have a belief in God are immoral human beings, irresponsible, and that they engage in destructive behavior.
  2. He believes that allowing gays to marry will lead to the end of civilization.
  3. He believes that homosexuality is an aberrant, unnatural, sinful lifestyle and a dangerous public health risk, and that sodomites should be isolated.
  4. He believes that teachers should carry paddles and rule the hallways of our public schools.
  5. He believes that environmentalists are pornographers.
  6. He believes that homosexuality, necrophilia (sex with dead people), and pedophilia (sex with little children) are the same thing.
  7. He believes that the United States is divided between people of faith, and secularists and that the secularists are an immediate threat to the nation.
  8. He believes that the Constitution should be rewritten to constitutionally ban abortion and gay marriage.
  9. He believes that women should not be allowed to serve in combat, and that gays should not be allowed in the military.
  10. He believes that students attending public schools should be taught Creation Science.
  11. He believes that Jesus Christ is directly responsible for his success in politics.
  12. He believes that his primary responsibilty on this Earth is to serve Jesus Christ. Jesus comes before family, and before country (but no conflict there, since this is a Christian nation).
  13. He believes that Jesus Christ was born of a virgin, is the Son of God, and is fully God and fully man.
  14. He believes that everyone who doesn’t accept Jesus Christ as their personal savior will be sent to a Lake of Fire (or a giant furnace – God’s choice of torture) where they will burn and be tortured for eternity.
  15. He believes that the Holy Bible was written by God Almighty and that anyone who adds or takes away from the Bible, so be the tortures and horrors written therein added unto them as they struggle to live their miserable lives.

Thank you to LBC for the insight.

Posted in Campaign 2008, Common Sense, GLBT, Just For Fun, Politics, Religion, Today's Rant | 7 Comments »

What Wedge Issues Would Jesus Wear???

Posted by Daniel on January 18, 2008

Welcome Fellow Wedge Issues

Republican Mike Huckabee is taking some well-deserved heat from members of the gay community over recent comments that appeared to equate gay marriage with bestiality.  There is also disgust over this over-used religious lie from most of the sane media.

In an interview with the religious Web site beliefnet.com, Huckabee pushes back on recent critics who have called some of his positions “radical.”

“I think the radical view is to say that we’re going to change the definition of marriage so that it can mean two men, two women, a man and three women, a man and a child, a man and animal,” he said in the interview, published on the Web site Wednesday. “Again, once we change the definition, the door is open to change it again.”

One would think that Huckabee would have learned a valuable lesson from former Senator Rick “Man-On-Dog” Santorum.

David Smith of the Human Rights campaign sited Huckabee’s comments make clear the former Arkansas governor stance is “out of the mainstream of American thought.”

“I think he’s equating a loving marriage between two people of the same sex with some form of bestiality,” he said. ” I think that’s really out of the mainstream of American thought, and most people will find that offensive.”

Huckabee has previously come under fire for past comments on homosexuality. In his 1998 book “Kids Who Kill,” the onetime Baptist minister seemed to link homosexuality with sexually deviant and criminal behavior.

“It is now difficult to keep track of the vast array of publicly endorsed and institutionally supported aberrations — from homosexuality and pedophilia to sadomasochism and necrophilia,” he wrote.

Responding to that passage, Huckabee said on ‘Meet the Press’ last month he was not linking the three, but rather pointing out all are deviations from the “traditional concept of sexual behavior.”

Huckabee’s campaign did not respond to any requests for comment.

Posted in Campaign 2008, Common Sense, GLBT, Media Matters, Politics, Religion, Today's Rant | Leave a Comment »

Tell Someone Who Cares – 01/17/08…Okay,and HNT

Posted by Daniel on January 17, 2008

Dear Tempest,
A few of us are planning a trip to Arizona – probably Phoenix or Tucson – and we were wondering if you could tell us anything about either of these two towns. We know you love to travel and, considering your rumored exploits, we decided to solicit your advice. Anything come to mind…?
Thanks from the Un-Tanned Wonders
Olathe, KS

Dear Pale Faces:

Now that you mention it, I do seem to recall one particular trip West into the desert. On a whim my gal-pal Gina and I thought it would be cool to take a trip down to Tucson to visit some friends who were recent transplants from Kansas City. We were also in desperate need of vacation/R&R. We spent six months verbally ping-ponging the pro’s and con’s of flying vs. driving. To Gina, flying obviously meant we would have three extra days to enjoy the arid Arizona climate. But who doesn’t love the scenic views of a cross-country drive? Biggest ball of twine…World’s Largest Frying Pan (so they say)…Turtle with three heads (one of which purported to be that of a duck).

It was a no-brainer. We had the time, the means and the stamina for such a drive. And besides, Gina hardly ever won a debate with me, mostly because I’d have to constantly remind her of the time she decided to drink half a bottle of something called “AfterShock“, then threw up in her coat pocket so as not to miss out on the conversation we were having with some friends at a bar. But I digress…

We chose to drive because I thought it would be a shame to miss all of those kitchy little shops along the highways. You know the ones…thimbles with baby scorpions embedded in a tomb of acrylic; real authentic Navajo rugs made in China; those fun fridge magnets that read, “My friends went to Arizona and all I got was this cheap-assed magnet” (of which I bought MANY); and who can forget those adorable REAL frogs that have been taxidermied into poses that, to put it mildly, just plain give me the galloping creeps? I mean, just how “natural-looking” are dead frogs playing in a five piece piano band??

Who the fuck collects this stuff?!?!?

Anyway, I’ll cut to our destination because, as it oddly turns out, we didn’t really stop for sightseeing all the way down there. Except for gas and food and pee breaks, we pretty much red-lined it there. Hey…it was fuckin’ hot!!!

One day was spent river rafting at Snake River. Know why they call it by that name? Well I do now!! Suffice it to say that I can actually fly if given the proper motivation. At least I jumped high and far enough to have given that impression. And I’m sure the coyotes ears are still bleeding from the not-so-masculine shrieks that are, I’m sure, still echoing off those canyon walls. Imagine my embarrassment when it was discovered the anaconda I thought I was being mauled by was, in fact, just a long piece of discarded rope.

While floating down the river – Gina’s and my tubes tied together…safety in numbers, ya know – I do remember happening across a giant raft with a motor attached to it. In and around it there were all these fireman. I believe they were there earlier for training purposes, but were no there for relaxation. Yeah, that’s what my heart was doing…relaxing!! NOT!! I think these guys must have fallen out of some calendar. I can tell you I have plenty of pictures of those scenic views. (Note to self: Get telephoto lens!!) One in particular…blue shorts…bluer-than-blue eyes…blue cap…no shirt…flexing. His name was David. We met.  We talked.  We had a date.  More (much more) about him later…maybe.

Of course during this time it’s impossible to go river rafting in the desert without bringing enough to drink…not to mention water. By the end of the day we were plowed enough to decide to go hiking in the granite mountains. We all sat atop “Saddle Rock”. Which, amazingly enough, looks remarkably like one…a rock, not a saddle. We admired the stars and none of us were even remotely aware of the 800 foot drop just inches in front of us. Until, that is, I dropped my cocktail. Once again, there were shrieks echoing through the canyon walls. Those poor coyotes.

Another day was spent in Nogales, Mexico. You just can’t have enough kitchy stuff!! Ever wonder where Pier One gets all those fun and unique nick-nacks? I found out. And guess what…Pier One is cheaper. Here I was thinking I could barter some of those prices down a tad. No such luck. Honestly, if those were actually genuine Rolex’s, (and they were remarkably genuine looking) why were those kids chasing me down to give them to me two for ten dollars?!? These watches, of course, went to two of my very dear – yet very cheap – friends back home. We did, however, manage to find some very cute things including a set of flatware that can only be described as stunning. It’s so nice, I doubt I’ll ever let anyone use or touch it. (Note: Mother has already placed “dibbs” on it after I die…where’s the love, I ask you?!?)

The rest of the time was spent laying out and enjoying the sun. Sun block? I was practically stuccoed in the stuff. Didn’t matter, though. I had on so much sun block that I felt like I was wearing a hard candy shell. The sun is extremely intense and the altitude (over 4000 feet above sea level) made it a non-issue. And, like the true naturist that I am, I tried to cheat by first using a sunless tanning cream and then laying out. Not only did I burn, and I mean everywhere, but my hair (and I mean everywhere!!) started bleaching out. If I didn’t act quickly I would end up looking like an old worn out wallet. Were it not for a product made by a lovely woman named “Clairol”, my hair would still be that delightful shade of “Blow-in-my-ear-and-give-me-a-refill-and-I-deserve-a-sore-on-my-lip-just-for-
being-this-stupid-blonde
“.

The weather averaged over 100° every day, but you know what they say, “It’s a dry heat.” Guess what? It’s still fucking hot!! But it was made bearable with the occasional monsoon rains that passed through…actually, those rains were quite a treat…if you like it raining mud and sand, that it. On those occasions that we couldn’t venture out, we sat around and played gamed and watched movies and talked.

Okay, after one day of that I really needed a drink.

So, one night we decided to hit one of the local clubs to toss back a few and shake our money makers. I started off with my tried-and-true favorite beverages…beer. A half-hour into all of us sitting around staring at the front door praying for the drop dead gorgeous to walk in, a friend suggested I try one of his drinks. It was an Absolute Cosmopolitan…and it looked like the gayest drink I’d ever seen…and I loved it…and I wanted more…and it was two-for-one night.

Long story short, I hate to dance, drank eight Cosmo’s, and danced so much I was sweating like Brittney Spears in court. This club is one of those “open” places. That means you can walk in and see the well-dressed rich and pretty sitting at tables with some amazingly well-mannered bikers and skinheads. The crowd was eclectic and we had no problem giving a show on the dance floor. It was a great night.

At least, what I remember of it.

In all, it was a great trip. Tucson has much to offer the weary traveler because of it’s laid back, no hang-up’s attitude. As a whole, they don’t care who or what you are so long as it doesn’t hurt or intrude on others.

Enjoy yourselves, and if you see a gorgeous fireman named David, give him my love…and my phone #.

Skip Phoenix.

Happy Trails,

Tempest

A Little Black & White

Posted in Bad Advice Meant Well, Common Sense, Friends, HNT, Just For Fun | 3 Comments »

Christmas Fairy Strikes Again!

Posted by Seth on January 15, 2008

Who is It?

What is It?

Where does It come from?

When will It strike next?

Watch out Chupacabra! Bigfoot beware! The Christmas Fairy has struck again! No one know’s where It comes from, who It is, or why It strikes. It has a tendency to strike anywhere at anytime. The Christmas Fairy has no bounds and will appear anywhere a camera is present. It has been spotted at larger social events such as the Democratic National Convention, the GLAAD Awards, and even the Super Bowl! Smaller social events It has been spotted at include high school dances, county fairs, the Republican National Convention, and community meetings.

Why is the legend of this creature so popular? Because of Its assumed, yet unknown, origin.

One source says, It is the gay cousin of the Noid! Other sources say It’s the gay son of the Tooth Fairy.

According to legend, The Christmas Fairy is the gay nephew of Santa. At the age of 12, It came out to his uncle Santa. He was embarrassed by this and said “This is not the Christmas spirit! This is not right!” Resulting in his banishment from the North Pole. Ever since, he has been making unseasonal appearances to piss uncle Santa off.

Of course this is the most popular story of It’s origin. One report out of West Virginia says, The Christmas Fairy shows up to sprinkle It’s glitter on some unexpecting straight hottie and turn him gay! This is source is still under investigation.

If you have seen or ever see The Christmas Fairy, please contact us at 1-800-GAYFAIRY or visit www.christmasfairymassacre.org

Christmas Fairy at the Webster County Hoedown.

At Gersham’s Bar Mitzvah, The Christmas Fairy can be spotted.

Christmas Fairy got to little Elizabeth at her birthday party in 1980. She now goes by Uncle Ron.

It’s attacks in the 1930’s sent shock waves throughout the South!

Thanks to one viewer, we confirmed one question asked by many.

Please, if you have any photo’s of this creature, please send them to us!

Posted in Friends, Holiday Fun, Just For Fun, News, Our Writings, Uncategorized | 3 Comments »

New Drugs For The Modern Man

Posted by Daniel on January 14, 2008

I need a refill!!!!

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as roommates and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out!

ST. MOMMA’S WORT
Plant extract that treats spouse’s depression by rendering roommates unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single men. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases ‘muscle’ size, decreases intelligence and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older men. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, ‘You make me want to be a better person.’

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a pocket or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.

Posted in Bad Advice Meant Well, Just For Fun | 1 Comment »