The Tempest Online™

~ Sic gorgiamus allos subjectatos nunc. ~

Wanting the Guy You’ll Never Have

Posted by Daniel on April 19, 2008

I post this advice for Rick (and others in his situation)…because he asked. Glean from it what you will.

We’ve all known him.

He’s the friend we want to be so much more.

The guy taken by someone else.

The guy we think is out of our league.

The one whose sexuality doesn’t match our own.

Maybe the cute waiter at our favorite restaurant.

Or he’s the guy too intimidating to approach—he’d never go for me.

The guy with the stellar good looks, intelligence to match, and sweetness to boot.

He dominates our fantasies.

He’s the irresistible seduction of sanity.

And we’ll never have him.

It’s one of the foremost perils of romantic humanity, this notion of unrequited love (or unrequited infatuation).

We deal with it in many different ways, most completely counterproductive. To name just a few, we:

– Obsesses over the guy and let his presence consume us
– Avoid him at all cost and try to overcome our addiction
– Treat him like shit and hope he hates us so we’re forced to closure
– Pretend the feelings away in his presence
– Whine about not having him
– Imagine the guy we are with is him
– Approach him and tell him how we feel

Although our last option may be the healthiest, it is also by far the riskiest. In telling him our true feelings, we put our friendship (or potential friendship) with him on the chopping block. And perhaps our own reputation.

What if we tell him how we feel and he ends up being a jerk by telling everyone how pathetic we are?


Our fears are well founded, and they keep us from opening ourselves up to those we secretly adore.

So instead of letting him know and receiving a bit of closure on the matter, we continue our daily rituals with him lurking in the crevices of desire.

So what do we do.

Let’s put it this way: what happens if you don’t tell him how you feel?

What then?

Ah, now there’s where the true pain resides.

Regret is the worst possible self-inflicted emotion I can fathom. It represents a decision that, no matter how power our conviction, we will never be able to change.

We can overcome regret, of course, but the motivation behind the villain will not vanish. We cannot change the past.

If we don’t tell him how we feel, we will more than likely experience regret. “What if” will haunt us for as long as we hold him dear. For romantics, this could mean a collapse in emotional strength. It happened to me?

But wait a minute, what if we go ahead and tell him and he turns out to be a real jerk and he starts talking about us? Wouldn’t we then regret our decision to tell him? Or what if he doesn’t want to be around us anymore? That would invoke some regret, no?

Of course it would, but ask yourself, would I rather regret telling him or regret never saying anything?

At least in my opinion, it always hurts more to keep it a secret. Why? Two very important reasons:

1. As human beings, closure (good or bad) forces us forward. If we know for a fact that we can’t have him, there will be no more what ifs, and we’ll more than likely find a way to cope and move on. Even if it tarnishes our reputation, it will do so only to the most superficial and immature.

2. What if he feels the same? You may think he’d never look at you that way in a million years, when really, he’s been thinking the same (or at least is willing to give it a go).


Oftentimes, the title of this blog is true: he’s the man we want but will never have. Not because we can’t have him. But because we’re too afraid to try. Always ask this question: which will make me happier?

Maybe I’m wrong, but I’ve been there, and this is what I extrapolate.


One Response to “Wanting the Guy You’ll Never Have”

  1. Rick said

    So, let me get this right….
    You WANT me to start dating other guys now?!
    Am I getting the drift here? (You’ve found somebody else, or what?)

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