The Tempest Online™

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Archive for June, 2008

Butch Looks Good On Us!

Posted by Seth on June 24, 2008

Last Thursday was a great day! Daniel and I did something for the first time. We didn’t venture out in the city to get to know the town, but we actually took our first trip, other than the move. We made the hour drive North to Yosemite National Park. It was very lesbian of us. We were in our hiking shoes, sleeveless shirts, and in the woods. Throw in a couple dogs, a Jeep, and a Conway Twitty hair do, and we would have been set! 

Our day started off like normal. The maids were coming in to clean and we had to leave the house. I guess they just don’t like an audience. So, while they were in, we went out. We haven’t seen much of the southern side of the city, so we decided to venture down there. We passed through downtown, which let me mention it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. The only thing it really had going for it were the tremendous selection of thrift shops. I love thrift shops! So, we decided we’re going to go back there some other time. Maybe after we have jobs and money.

Anyway, as we passed through downtown we decide there is just nothing but dirt and old buildings in that direction. So, we headed North. We were going through our daily ritual of deciding “what do you want to do today?” I couldn’t think of anything, like usual, and he was all out of ideas. All of a sudden he just came up with the brilliant plan to go to Yosemite. Eh…why the hell not! We have nothing better to do so let’s go. We gassed up, got some snacks, I got a shitty chicken sandwich, which explains why I talked shit with John all this morning, and we headed up into the mountains.

After driving the windy-assed roads and passed the steep-as-shit cliffs, we made it to the park. There were a few times when I had to reach over and dig my claws into Daniel’s leg, I don’t really like heights, but we made it.

At an elevation of 5500 feet, I must say the temperature dropped at least twenty degrees.  Which was just fine with us, as it was supposed to hit 102 down in the valley where we reside.




When we finally arrive at the gates of the park (after having stopped for a disposable camera, since we’d not planned this and therefore hadn’t brought the digital camera)

After paying $20 to Ranger Rick for a weeks pass, we found a parking spot. We got out and started venturing out. I’ve never been to this park before, so I was in complete amazement when I saw how fucking huge these trees and their vagina’s are! We got quite a few great shots. That is when the Asian tourists weren’t in the way. They were EVERYWHERE! Which I expected that, they’re always at major sightseeing places.


Seth in the vagina of one of the trees.


Which reminds me, I was in just as much amazement at the various cultures that were there. There were the English, Russians, Asians, Czechoslovakians, and tons more! I had no clue people from all over the world would come see this. There were even two guys, no clue where they were from, that clocked us from the bottom of a hill.

They were gay. Definatly gay! They weren’t wearing shirts, and they were in Daisy Duke shorts. How much more gay can ya be? One was walking up the hill, staring us down, as the other one was stooped down on the ground “reading” some sign. We both noticed he was “reading” something as we walked by and he grabbed a handful of “nature” and shook it at us. Um…….Hello! We would have probably said something in passing if there weren’t children and families around. I mean come on. If it was out in the middle of nowhere on one of the trails, that’s one thing. We’re new to the town and we’re looking for friends, but they didn’t give us opportune time to speak. I guess in their culture it’s customary for their gays to greet one another by shaking their trail mix. Kind of like when one dog sniffs another dogs butthole.


Us having a great time…before we were accosted by the gays.

Anyway, we ventured out in the woods, and had a great time. It was a very good day. Neither one of us have really been physically active in a while, and it was quite a walk, but neither one of us complained. It was all worth it. Eventually, we’re going to go back to the park and go a little further into the Yosemite Vally. I guess that’s were the BIG ASS trees, El Capitan, and Half Dome are. It makes my asshole twitch just thinking about going!


Posted in Family, Friends, Just For Fun, Our Writings, Uncategorized | 3 Comments »

Little Fish In A Big Pond

Posted by Daniel on June 20, 2008

It’s been a little almost three weeks since we arrived here in Fresno, and everything seems to be going pretty well. We’re both tan.  Well, I’m burnt to a crisp, and Seth is bronzing up pretty good. Still in the tail end of the peeling stage, finally, but it looks good.  We’re even building up on the muscle side.  Skiing, rafting and even walking up here is doing wonders.

Burnt to an Italian Crisp

Electric Bug Zapper Swisher

On the job-hunt side, it’s the same old story…they advertise, we bite, then we have to wait for the phone calls.  Yesterday the “hurry up and wait” thing kinda got to me and it made my whole day kinda poopy.  But Seth is pretty good at talking me down from the proverbial ledge I seem to like putting myself up on.  Actually, there are prospects out there to be found, but it’s all about the online searching, since the newspapers don’t appear to do much in the way of advertising these days…prices being as they are.

During our first week here, we’ve mastered the art of getting lost and turned it into an art form.  It’s funny how everyone here is all too happy to point you in the direction of where you’re trying to go.

“Oh, it’s just right over there.”, they always seem to say.  Problem is, they never tell us where “over there” is!!!  That, or they’ll just point in some direction or other not realizing you have no idea what the fuck direction they’re even pointing towards, since we seem to have left our compass and guide dogs at the dry cleaners.

My personal favorite is when they actually THINK they’re giving you the right directions – even pow-wowing with others to get a second and third opinion.

“You just drive back down this street…You see the street, don’t you?…then go South less than a mile until you see the blankity-blank restaurant and it’s right there next door.  You can’t miss it.”

We drive to the correct street…down the given distance, look for “blankity-blank”…and…Oops!!  It’s actually in the OPPOSITE direction and across the street from where we actually started!!!

Thanks for nothing, asshole!!

Eventually, though, we end up finding what we’re looking for…a day or two later.

This past Saturday and Sunday,  We went with Terry and Theresa (my brother and sister in-law) to a lake up in the foothills.  You should SEE how beautiful it is up there.  We took their boat and spent hours rafting, water skiing and then relaxing in the sun.  It was a perfect weekend.  This coming weekend Seth and I are going hiking on Saturday and then up to the mountains to spend Sunday with Terry and Theresa while they’re enjoying a well-earned five-day break.

Ski Bunny

And He’s Off!!!

Funny thing about kicking back and relaxing in the sun on a boat on a lake…you get tanned.

Very tanned.

As in OMFG the pain of the burn!!!

But as I said, it’s all worth it.  One reason being that we all get to watch Seth learn how to water ski.  You’ve never seen someone take so many spills and yet come up grinning and smiling and wanting to keep going.  Actually, he was able to get up on his third or forth try and can now go a good distance before doing a face-plant into the water.  On his last attempt, he was up for at least two minutes.  We were all yelling at him to keep his legs together and bend his knees.  Seth, however, couldn’t hear a word we were saying and proceeded to ski one-handed, smile and wave in his usual cheesy way.  Then he crashed into the water.  We all laughed so much there was pee everywhere.

On Saturday, the four of us met up with a couple that Terry and Theresa have known for a little while.  Paul and Sherry.  We tied the boats together and spent hours sitting back and chatting and tanning.

Paul is the typical “guy” who hunts and works on biggo diesel engines and very much the quiet type…yet nice as all get-out.  His wife, on the other hand, is oh-so-NOT-quiet.  That lady can talk!!!  I swear I was getting dehydrated just from listening to her!!  She’s from New York…actually, “Lon-GYland”.  And she decided to play Oprah (or as I called her Noprah) and fire questions off at all of us just for the info.  It was all fine and good…until she started asking Seth and I questions.  Intimate questions.  Personal questions.  Anal sex questions!!!  (she was asking generally…not linking the to of us) I was so embarrassed for both Terry and Paul that even MY balls were up in my throat!!!

I have to say, even I was blushing and tripping over my own lips on that one.  I felt so sorry for Terry and Paul.  Paul just decided to quietly dive off the boats and swim for a spell.  Terry, on the other hand, missed his chance for escape and was trapped there like a quail cornered by Dick Cheney.  Theresa and Sherry were loving it and Seth had NO problem going into as much detail as she wished.  I just wanted to swallow my tongue and crawl into my own belly button…just to hide the blushing.  I’ll tell you, this girl was completely open and easy going.

You know…’cause she’s so subtle!!!

But what a fucking trip!!!

Lovin’ It!!!

More to come…

Posted in Family, Friends, Just For Fun, News, Our Writings | 1 Comment »

Driving To California…It’s The Only Way To Fry

Posted by Daniel on June 10, 2008

Ahhh, Sunny California.

Ya know, I’ve been back and forth between here and Missouri so many times over the years, but I’d almost forgotten just how beautiful this state really is.


And how fucking HOT it gets.


Seth and I arrived here in Fresno, California after a 2700 mile drive from Kansas City, Missouri.  And in this post, I will try to include as many of the precious moments as there were…because EVERYONE seems to be asking.


First things’ first…Kansas is quite possibly THE most boring state to drive through.  They should sell Red Bull at roadside stands every mile, just to keep people from getting the urge to doze off and ram their vehicles into a fence post…you know…just for something to do.  About the only exciting thing that happened during that 450 mile stretch (Kansas City to Wichita – Wichita to Liberal) was when a large June Bug smashed into the windshield and the splatter pattern resembled a run-over rabbit.


We drove non-stop (except for gas fill-up’s) from KC to Albuquerque, NM, where we stayed overnight at a local Motel 6.  Or as I called it…a Motel Sucks!!!  I mean c’mon…I can deal with no mints on the pillows or turn-down service, but not even so much as a dwarf-sized coffee maker that only makes a thimble of coffee??  They really took the “no frills” part to the extreme.  The parking for a long pick up hauling a UHaul trailer was a frigging nightmare…as was any reason we had to back the fucking trailer up.  (more on that later)  But we made it all that way in 12 hours…so not too shabby.


The next morning we got up, showered and then drove on.  Not even so much as a continental breakfast of fizzy orange juice and a stale bagel.


An interesting side note…one of the kitchy places we stopped to get gas was this large truck stop with a gigantic statue of an Indian and thirty foot arrows planted in the ground.  From one angle, the Indian looked VERY, um, “gigantic”.  We took that picture, just because it was pretty damed funny.  I called that one Big Chief Canyon Maker.  Yowza!!!


Big Chief Wampum Ass 

Seth & Chief Yummy Bear 


So we drove on the rest of the way through New Mexico and into Arizona.


I’d promised Seth I’d take him to see the Grand Canyon (or, as we’ve come to refer to it as Earth’s Vagina).  Due to the unusually slow traffic, what should have been a 45-minute drive took about 1 ½ hours.  As we pull into the gate to pay for our visit, the OGM (Obviously Gay Male) ranger told us we’d have to park in the area marked for vehicles hauling trailers.  How Rosa Parks can they get??  He told us to just drive up and take the first left we came to, turn in and follow it around to the designated parking lot.  Easy enough, huh?  Except for the fact that the very “first left” we took was actually an unpaved service road for official park vehicles only and it was CLOSED!!  This meant that we had to back the fucking trailer out of there – no room to turn around – and that meant backing it out onto the busy highway.


Yeah, I cussed like a sailor, mostly because I SUCK at backing up with a trailer!!!  After what seemed like a dozen tries, we managed to get it right and off we went to park wherever the fuck we wanted!!!  To hell with that sissy mary at the gate!!!


We got some great shots of the usual poses at the usual perches and outcroppings.  We didn’t go on to see-through observation deck because it was farther South on the canyon and it’s not even owned by nor part of the park anyway.  Plus $50 per person just to walk out onto that thing?  I’d rather jump off one of the free cliffs.

Daniel & Seth @ the Grand Canyon  Seth Daniel 

We stayed there for an hour or so, hiked about a mile or two and then decided we’d seen enough of the huge hole.


So we got back in the truck, drove out of the park (yelling to the princess at the gate, “Thee you on the thee thaw, Thindy!!”) and made the 1 ½ hour drive back down to the interstate to continue our drive westward.


One of the fun things along the miles was watching Seth taking pictures of damned near everything.  “Ooh a yucca!!”  Click.  “Yeah, a mountain.”  Click.  “Weee!!  Another yucca!!!”  Clickitty click click click.  He was like a puppy dog with his head out the window.  Funny thing is, most of the pictures he took were through the windshield.  So there are plenty of pictures of mountains with the carcasses of a thousand dead insects in the foreground.


As we drove on through the desert, Seth was suffering greatly from what he refers to as “Swamp Ass”.  I guess with a perky bulbous little onion like his, even a little hair in the crack can amplify the desert heat down there to uncomfy levels.  So, he did the only thing those with a J-Lo ass like his CAN do…he dropped trou and hung his ass out the window.  Fortunately there weren’t any cars passing on that side of us, but I think he’s made quite a few new trucker friends to invite to his next Emily Post meeting.

Swamp Ass

Finally, we arrive at the Arizona-California border.  Now for those who’ve not made this drive before, there are a few things to keep in mind when crossing into California.  You’re not allowed to bring in ANY kinds of live plants or any fruits or vegetables.  Mostly because this is an agricultural state that can be very susceptible to blight or infestation.  Makes sense.  As we pull up, a border agent who looked like Father Time asked me to step out and open the trailer.  He saw nothing suspicious, said I could go ahead and close it up and then asked if I had any fruit in the vehicle.  Naturally I couldn’t pass up the chance to tell him that I had a HUGE fruit in the passenger seat next to me.  Apparently he’s heard this tired line a zillion times, because his only response was, “Uh huh.”  Thanks you old geezer…piss on me for trying to lighten your boring fucking day!!


As I got back into the truck, Seth pointed out a sign that was posted in one of the agent’s windows:

My first question when I saw this little gem was, “What the fuck?”  Then I started yelling, “Damn you Richard Gere!!  You’ve ruined it for ALL of us!!  You Bastard!!!


Dildo’s are fine, but leave the fucking animals alone!!!


Anyways, Richard Gere’s wildlife experimentation aside, we toddled onward.


Oh, did I mention that you have to drive through an assload of mountains once you get into California?  Well, ya do. 

But for that, and the rest of the story of what’s happened since we arrived, I’m going to let Seth tell you all THAT.

(to be continued by Seth) 

Posted in Just For Fun, News, Our Writings | 5 Comments »