The Tempest Online™

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Archive for September, 2009

It All Leads Up To Trying To Keep Up

Posted by Daniel on September 23, 2009


These days everyone understands what it’s like to have little-to-no time to stop and smell the roses.

Hell, with the economy and current events being as they are, you’re lucky to FIND the rose garden. And for those lucky (or rich) enough to find it, even you still run the risk of either being stung by the economic bee or pricked by the political thorn.

Okay, I’ve beaten that metaphor down with a sledgehammer, I know. Just chalk it down to overactive brain…or just trying to work out a brain fart.

Anyway, my point is (or should I say was?) that every day seems to be packed. No rest for the wicked, you might say. Even though I continue the occupational safari of trying to find the perfect job (hell, at this point any job!!), it seems there is just never enough time in the day to get everything done. And with my ADHD/OCD, that makes for quite a day indeed.

Yeah, don’t tell me that collecting unemployment is just a “sit-on-your-fat-ass” job. Ain’t no such thing, perras!!!

First I had to take Kitty in for the “operation”…you know the one…where he gets changed from a Rooster to a Hen. LOL Yeah, and he’s been making us pay for it ever since. I should have known that wasn’t going to be so easy when the vet told me that Kitty had double Cryptorchidism. Sounds pretty, huh? Like his balls were suddenly hard to grow, temperamental and expensive. Well, actually, yeah. For those of you who (like me) never heard of Cryptorchidism, it’s where the little “hangers” on a cat or dog are actually on the inside. I always wondered why, when Kitty was romping around, he wasn’t swingin’, even at his age.

So our priceless dog became even more expensive by being an “innie” and not an “outie”. This raised the price of his Tranny-Surgery another forty bucks. And he thought we dressed his ass gay before!!! Wait till he (and everyone else) sees the outfits I found on a recent shopping spree.

Moving on…

I got a call from the Labor Board informing me that the asshole ex-boss finally dropped off the checks for the settlement. Seth had just gotten home and I told him that we had to get right over there to get them. Funny thing…on the way over there, I was half-jokingly telling him that, knowing the asshole ex-boss as I did, I wouldn’t at all be surprised if he “forgot” to sign the checks.

Guess what?

He “forgot” to sign the checks.

I hate always being right.

Now they have to be signed (still by tomorrow’s deadline) and then mailed to me. That asshole will do anything to delay/get out of paying what he actually owes.

While we’re waiting for this shit to play out, I am still trying to get Seth his plane tickets back home for his cousin’s wedding. The flight is pretty decent but the fucking car rental TRIPLES the price!!! While he is still trying to make some kind of arrangements with his family to “Drive Miss Daisy” (Like those people in Hooterville don’t have an extra horse & buggy!!!) (just kidding), so far it’s looking like Hertz or AVIS are going to be sending me a thank you note for the extra thousand bucks. Not to mention the gas, since he will be there over a week.

Don’t worry, Seth’s Family, I will get him there no matter what it takes.

Meanwhile on the job search side, I have two (yeah…TWO!!) interviews tomorrow. One as a Payroll Director with a company here in Fresno. This is a contract position for three months while someone there is out sick. But the pay would be fantastic!!! The other is at Starbucks. This was supposed to be today, but got pushed a day because of Manager meetings. No biggie. Gives me more time to tan, wax, spackle and sparkle. On the first interview for Payroll, I was supposed to take their assessment online and fill out their online application, but because I don’t use Windows at home (and also because my PC is turning into a VERY SLOW P.O.S. – I need an upgrade in the WORST way!!!), they are letting me do it all at their office tomorrow. Lucky me.

Anyhoo…gotta get back to scrubbing the floors (Seth is too cheap to buy me a Swifter)…so gotta go for now.  Will keep you posted an whatever the hell is happening tomorrow.  🙂


Posted in Life | Tagged: , , , | 1 Comment »

The Origin of Our Species Has Been Revealed

Posted by Daniel on September 21, 2009


I think the hate crime baiting, oft-asked question of where the hell gays come from (or how are they made?) has, at long last, been finally and definitively answered.

Or has it?

I always thought it was genetic (which I KNOW it is).

But some have said it’s environmentally caused.

Or perhaps those of us similarly blessed were just suckled or coddled (or both) by our moms waaaaay too long.

There are plenty of theories as to how gays come into being. And on this particular subject, I tend to think that anyone who DOESN’T think a person is born gay obviously was born with THEIR head up THEIR ass. Like my view on opinions, which I will divulge later.

I bring all of this up because of what happened during yet another Republican wound-licking event called the “Value Voters Summit”. I won’t bore you with all the lies, drivel, hypocrisy, pandering bull shit they vomited out to their way-too-overly-excited crowd of toothless white trash who are suckling at the governmental teats of Medicare while bitching about the possibility of “Barack The Magic Negro” (Rush Limbaugh played that fucking song again on his show during the summit) getting government into their healthcare.

No…I won’t go into that crap.

But I will talk about the latest piece of wedge-issue shit the Republicans are now throwing out as red meat to their hungry white trashy minions.

Brace yourself…



That pearl of wisdom came from Michael Schwartz, chief of staff for Sen. Tom Coburn (R-OK).

At the Family Research Council’s Values Voters Summit, Family Research Council Senior Fellow Pat Fagan, Heritage Foundation scholar Matthew Spalding and Michael Schwartz, the chief of staff for Sen. Tom Coburn, held a discussion on “The New Masculinity.” Schwartz, who was the final speaker, said that Fagan wanted him to discuss “how men, who already are good husbands and fathers,” can “change the culture.”

A few minutes into his speech, Schwartz moved to the topic of pornography, calling it a “blight” and a “disease” that parents’ “sons” would encounter. Noting that he was about to get “politically incorrect,” Schwartz said that it is his “observation that boys at that age have less tolerance for homosexuality than just about any other class of people.

Schwartz claims that his “ex-gay” friend revealed the true secret of how homosexuality is “inflicted on people”:

“And one of the things that he said to me, that I think is an astonishingly insightful remark. He said, “all pornography is homosexual pornography because all pornography turns your sexual drive inwards. Now think about that. And if you, if you tell an 11-year-old boy about that, do you think he’s going to want to go out and get a copy of Playboy? I’m pretty sure he’ll lose interest. That’s the last thing he wants.” You know, that’s a, that’s a good comment. It’s a good point and it’s a good thing to teach young people.

But all pornography is homosexual pornography because all pornography turns your sexual drive inwards. And that in fact is what it does. I know couples now who are struggling with the husband’s addiction to pornography. It’s a terrible thing, and that is what happened to him. You know, if it doesn’t turn you homosexual, it at least renders you less capable of loving your wife.

It is my observation that boys at that age have less tolerance for homosexuality than just about any other class of people. They speak badly about homosexuality. And that’s because they don’t want to be that way. They don’t want to fall into it. And that’s a good instinct. After all, homosexuality, we know, studies have been done by the National Institute of Health to try to prove that its genetic and all those studies have proved its not genetic. Homosexuality is inflicted on people.”

Schwartz then recalled “a very good friend” of his “who was in the homosexual lifestyle for a long time,” saying that he “had good conversations about, about the malady that he suffered.” He then relayed “an astonishingly insightful remark” his friend had made about the relationship between pornography and being gay:

SCHWARTZ: And one of the things that he said to me, that I think is an astonishingly insightful remark. He said, “all pornography is homosexual pornography because all pornography turns your sexual drive inwards. Now think about that. And if you, if you tell an 11-year-old boy about that, do you think he’s going to want to go out and get a copy of Playboy? I’m pretty sure he’ll lose interest. That’s the last thing he wants.” You know, that’s a, that’s a good comment. It’s a good point and it’s a good thing to teach young people.

Schwartz then added a slight caveat, saying, “if it doesn’t turn you homosexual, it at least renders you less capable of loving your wife. And it’s something you need to be healed of.”

Okay GOP…regarding the above outlined hate speech, I have not heard even ONE of you counter that or even so much as distance yourself from it. And I have been scanning and reading every media outlet FOR that rebuttal (both video and print). No one. Not one of you.

So, as I told Seth a couple of months ago:

DANIEL: “Mark my words…The GOP is already burning through their small stack of wedge issues – which shows their desperation – and I promise you the next wedge issue they throw out there will be about gays.”

And viola!! The GOP NEVER proves me wrong. (sometimes that tends to get a little scary)

You all can be the judges of the latest GOP theory.

But for you Republickers out there who are STILL not sure how to pick a real gay out of a crowd (because they threw down the latest issue of AssMasters), I’ve thoughtfully provided you with the following checklist to aid you in your continued efforts to “LOVE THY NEIGHBOR” and not “BEARING FALSE WITNESS”.

Happy hunting:

1. We could care less who Brittany Spears is sleeping with.
2. We understand the differences between 27 brands of imported Chardonnay.
3. We can call anyone “honey” including pets.
4. We know someone who was in the emergency room with Richard Gere and the gerbil.
5. We understand the immense importance of quality lighting.
6. We can be at a crowded disco the size of a baseball field and still spot a toupee.
7. We can tell a woman we love her bathing suit, and truly mean her bathing suit.
8. We can explain the nuances between steady date, boyfriend and lover.
9. We really have “Been there, Done that.”
10. Our women friends will tell us everything we want to know about their boyfriends.
11. We’re the only type of male who gets to say “fabulous.”
12. We can have naked pictures of men we don’t know in our house.
13. We can have naked men we don’t know at our house.
14. We know how to handle the telephone like a Stradivarius.
15. We understand why God invented spandex.
16. We understand why God didn’t intend everyone to wear it.
17. We know how to get back at just about everyone. And have.
18. We know that the most important part of a party’s decor is the catering staff.
19. We only wear polyester when we mean to.
20. We can smile to let someone know we hate them.
21. We can freeze a troll from 20 feet away.
22. We’re good pals with women other people can’t stand.
23. We’ve always got an opinion.
24. We’ve read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.
25. We know how to dress strategically.
26. Our car has an amusing female name.
27. We’re the only one at our reunion who looks better than you did in high school.
28. We know that sex complicates things. So?
31. We know that being called a “cheap slut” isn’t actually an insult.
32. There’s a married guy somewhere who is terrified of us.
33. Nobody tells us what to do in bed…unless we tell them what to tell us.
34. We have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.
35. We have at least one movie musical on video.
36. We’re not embarrassed to sing in a piano bar.
37. We’re embarrassed by people who sing in piano bars.
38. We never hold a grudge for longer than a decade or two.
39. We know how to make an entrance.
40. We know when to make an exit.
41. We worry about people we don’t even know – like Barack Obama.
42. We choose the most fabulous greeting cards.
43. We know how to program our VCR.
44. We’ve got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.
45. We have a cologne display worthy of Bloomingdales.
46. We understand, viscerally, Joan Crawford.
47. Some of our best friends are our ex lovers.
48. We know when to play dumb.
49. We know what to do for a hangover.
50. Yes, we do have a condom.
51. We’ve called someone “girlfriend” who is neither a girl nor a friend.
52. One or more of the following apply to us:

  • a) We adore Lady GaGa.
  • b) We hate Lady GaGa.
  • c) We hate people who adore Lady GaGa.
  • d) We hate people who hate Lady GaGa.
  • e) We don’t give a damn about Lady GaGa.
  • f) Who is Lady GaGa?

53. You can supply the last names to the following list:

  • a) Bernadette
  • b) Chita
  • c) Barbra

54. We made Donna Summer a star.
55. We made Donna Summer a has-been.
56. Tanning salons were invented for us.
57. We’ve made sunbathing a performance art.
58. We know when the party’s over.
59. We know where to go after the party’s over.
60. We’re fearless about fighting the elements, especially gravity.
61. When we hear “a stitch in time saves nine” we think of

  • a) Our grandma
  • b) Our face lift
  • c) John Wayne Bobbit

62. We know that pigs and bears are not necessarily rural wildlife.
63. Our roommate can be our roommate and not our “roommate.”
64. We know that referring to someone as “a real lady” isn’t necessarily a compliment.
65. Our favorite dinner accessory may also be our dinner companion.
66. If our cat is a female, we swear it’s a lesbian.
67. If our cat is a male, we swear it’s a lesbian.
68. We sing along with songs that make most females cringe, like “Stand by your man”.
69. We’ve been to a bris, a barmitzvah, a christening, a first communion and too many weddings and we have a carefully considered evaluation of the food after each.
70. We’ll never have to hear our mother complain about our wife.
71. A two-seater convertible seems perfectly practical to us.
72. We have a favorite Disney character and it’s usually a nasty one.
73. We’ve left someone totally speechless.
74. We’ve shaved something other than our face.
75. All our friends do not have to “get along”.
76. We have a large collection of anniversary pictures. They may be with different guys, however.
77. Our love handles are actually used as such.
78. When someone turns his back on us, we actually consider it an opportunity.
79. We’ve got a large assortment of movie-star biographies.
80. We’ve got the most interesting coffee table books.
81. We know where to find a meat rack and it ain’t in our kitchen drawer.
82. We have a sexual persuasion with its own flag.
83. At some moment in our life we’ve envisioned having back-up girls.
84. We know our enemies.
85. After a workout at the gym, we feel like a new man. And he’s right there in the shower.
86. We’re Lady GaGa’s biggest fan.
87. We know that Lady GaGa’s biggest fan is Lady GaGa.
88. Not only have we added spice to our life – sometimes we’ve added side dishes.
89. We know that “small talk” can be about spirituality or politics, and “important issues” can be about hair.
90. We’ve actually lived out some of our fantasies.
91. Unlike most straight women, we have no problem being treated solely as a sex object.
92. We have no doubts about the accuracy of the Kinsey Report.
93. We know, by heart, every line in:

  • a) All about Eve
  • b) The Rocky Horror Picture Show
  • c) Our face

94. We are ALWAYS ready for our close-up.
95. We have 412 ways to tell someone to get lost. 136 are non-verbal.
96. We can lip-sync to at least one Supreme’s song.
97. We have a carefully selected Yiddish vocabulary.
98. Even if we’re in Kansas, we’re not in Kansas anymore.
99. We know exactly how many martinis it takes.
100. When throwing a party, we know how to put out quite a spread. Sometimes after the party too.

There now…did ANY of that include porn?!?! Yeah, I thought not.

Thanks for letting me blow another one of your shitty views out of the water.

Posted in Common Sense, GLBT | Tagged: , , , | 2 Comments »

All In A Days Work

Posted by Daniel on September 16, 2009

This past weekend, Seth and I had sort of a “Girls’ Night Out” with my sister in-law Theresa and her friend Lorena.  Both their husbands were on the coast on a work project and the gals wanted to do something.  At first, the guys were pissed that their wives were planning a night out while they were gone, but then Theresa told them that Seth and I were going to be with them, somehow Terry and Mark did an emotional one-eighty.  Suddenly those guys couldn’t be more pleased about their wives hitting the town.  Obviously Seth and I would watch out for the girls, but for the husbands to act like Theresa and Lorena were going out in a Sherman Tank sort of irked me.  What if Seth and I wanted to get the gals plastered and hustle them out to butch women or something?

Yeah, Theresa and Lorena are the poster children of “Lipstick”…and ripe for the picking.

Of course we were game.

First we went to a jazz club to see an old friend of Theresa’s perform.  He was great.  Sang a lot of my old favorites and we had a great time…especially watching Theresa and Lorena beging a night of drinking.  I already know Lorena can put it away…Crown on the rocks…and she ain’t no sipper.  Theresa stuck with a mild Cape Cod.

After the show, Theresa and Lorena had an itch to go to a gay bar.  You know, to see how the “other half” live.

So we took them to a club called “The Circle”.  I hate this place because it’s SO boring.  Techno music, Trannies, Trolls and Twinks galore.  All we ever do there (on the Oh-So-Rare occasion I even WANT to go) is stand inside near the bar and make fun of people with our friends.  Then after ten minutes of that, we go outside to the patio, smoke and make fun of people with our friends.  Twenty minutes later, we go back inside and start the process all over again.  Two hours of this and I’m bored out of my skull.  During that time I MIGHT finish off one beer (because I’m a lightweight).  And since I don’t drink like Seth and the rest of them do, it’s hard to keep up with them…and it’s even harder to not yawn my guts out because these guys can stay there for eight hours and never get bored.

Anyways, with Theresa and Lorena in tow, we had a great time…me especially.  Somewhere during one of their many bathroom runs, the gals managed to hit the dance floor and go all Dirty Dancing.  Sorry we missed that.

Theresa spent 90% of the night asking, “Is that a guy or a girl?”


The following Monday, Seth and I had our hearing at the Labor Commission against the ex-boss.

Long story short on that is that we ended up settling the case for one-third the total claim amount.  There was no choice.  The asshole was willing to fight it out for another month and Seth and I just couldn’t afford to wait that long.  (he has a wedding back in West Virginia to attend in a couple of weeks and I wasn’t about to let him down on that)

The good thing is that the ex-boss thinks that was the end of his woes.  He still has no clue that there is a MAJOR lawsuit against him in the works.  Where he may have had the upper hand at the Labor Board, when it comes to Liable, Sexual Harassmant and several other WELL-DOCUMENTED charges, he is screwed.  The attorneys have informed me that even if he tries to make a settlement on THIS case, the laws are on MY side this time and that settlement offer will have to be substantial.

More on that as we get closer to it.

Posted in Life | Tagged: , , | 1 Comment »

Camping It Up At The Campsite

Posted by Daniel on September 9, 2009

The View From Camp

The View From Camp

Over this past weekend, Seth and I went up to Shaver Lake to join my brother, his wife (my BFF) and some friends for an overnight stay. We were using that trip to celebrate my birthday as well as to celebrate the fact that Seth had off for three days for Labor Day.

This gave us a chance to use our new tent (Seth’s b-day present last month from my brother and his wife). It was far bigger than the one we used the last time we went up there with them. For my birthday, Terry & Theresa bought sleeping bags, a fishing pole (okay, it was a toy pole, but they knew that would tickle me), some kind of SURVIVAL KIT and some other camping odds & ends.

You want to see funny? Watch two gay guys setting up a new tent, then watch and see how the straight guys do it…

Style Is Everything

Style Is Everything

Our tent is 9 X 7 feet, sleeps four, so it’s was very roomy. My brother Terry and his friend Mark (who had just finished putting together Marks tent) were needling Seth and I because they were SURE we wouldn’t be able to get the thing put together without their help. Not only did we do it (including using the smaller pole to make the top piece “tent” out over the door), but we did it very fast and didn’t even need the instructions.

Naturally, though, once we finished the setup, we realized there was something missing. So we headed out into the woods and collected some stones and foliage that we could use to spruce up the overall look (okay, so we called it “presentation”) of our tent. We even added some support magnets (pilfered from the truck) and specifically bought a garden gnome that stood guard outside the door. (Oh, and the sign below the gnome read “Nuttier Than A Squirrel Turd”…in case you were wondering)

No one at our camp knew that we were doing all of this, so imagine their reaction when they saw it. Terry was especially bowled over and insisted Theresa take a good picture of it so that he could put it on his picture board in their great big camper. (yeah, THEY slept in the camper) Needless to say, it was the hit of the weekend.

Now, remember where I mentioned all the poking and prodding Terry & Mark gave Seth and I, saying we wouldn’t be able to get the tent up without their help or instructions? Well, take a look at THEIR handiwork…

The Work Of Knuckle-Draggers

The Work Of Knuckle-Draggers

Notice something missing? Well, aside from the fact that there is no decorative additions added, nor any color or “Home Sweet Home-ishness”. The small pole that SHOULD be propping up the beige top to the tent is absent. You can’t see it in the picture, but that pole ended up leaning up against a nearby tree all weekend because the GUYS had no idea what the heck it was supposed to be for. Even after they saw our tent, they still had no clue how we got it to work. Because of that, not to mention the sloppy way it’s all done, that tent looked crooked and sad. But hey, who are we to judge, right?

Score one for fairy magic.

Anyway, the weekend was fantastic, and a great escape from the horrid heat of the valley.

Everyone got drunk the night we were there…including Theresa and I. Well, we don’t exactly compare to the rest of them. I mean Theresa and I don’t drink but RARELY (if ever). Theresa downed like six Smirnoff Ice (yeah, I know, but for us that’s like Crown Royal shots) and I had one and a half. Both of us were hung over the next day to beat the band. The sucky part is that the actual drinkers (Seth, Terry Mark & Lorena) showed no signs of hangover, and Theresa and I hated that. Hell, Seth alone drank nineteen beers that night!!! But I got something out of his gluttony, though…just after he crawled his drunk ass into the tent, he had to dash back out and run to a nearby (and obviously VERY UNLUCKY) tree to puke…loudly. I couldn’t help but laugh. Poetic justice.

Oh, and the next day I went for a walk to collect some decorative branches that Seth wanted to bring home and I got lost, but I won’t go into all of that. Suffice it to say that I really should have brought that SURVIVAL KIT Terry & Theresa gave me the night before.

In all it was a great weekend and though it will our last time up there for the Summer, we can’t wait to go up there during Winter to see the eight foot snow.

No, I didn't was just for effect.

No, I didn't was just for effect.

Posted in Family, Friends, Just For Fun | Tagged: , , , | 3 Comments »

Birthday To Labor Day Blues

Posted by Daniel on September 4, 2009


Well, it’s here. Another birthday…another day.

Seth is sick.

The ex-boss is still keeping me from getting work.

Unemployment still hasn’t made their decision…7 weeks later.

May have to cancel our trip up to the Sierras for the weekend if Seth doesn’t get well.

My MySpace page is so out of date, even Michael Jackson has had a more recent face lift. (what…too soon?)

Seth just got a speeding ticket…in a school zone.

Yeah, I guess there’s a lot to be down about.


Here’s what still makes it a HAPPY day for me:

  • Seth
  • Kitty
  • Puppy
  • Seth
  • My Health
  • Family
  • The Mountains
  • Seth
  • The new flavor of Polygrip
  • Wipeout
  • Lemon Pledge
  • Seth
  • White Chocolate Raspberry Truffle Icecream
  • I just killed a spider.
  • I’m not a Republican
  • Seth

So okay, I started off bitching and throwing myself a pitty party, but I managed to salvage it into little mini wrapped birthday presents (thoughts) to myself.

I need a drink.

Have a great Labor Day weekend, everyone.

Posted in Life, Today's Rant | Tagged: | 2 Comments »

How Does One Giftwrap A Hag?

Posted by Daniel on September 1, 2009


With my birthday coming this Friday, I’ve decided to post the following b-day request.

Seth and I are still on the lookout for our very own Hag. (female hang-out friend) (interesting fact: I just found out that the the Lesbian equivalent is called a “LEZBRO”.)

Please feel free to fill out the following application and email it back to us at C’mon, make a birthday boy happy.

Hags – 4 – Us

Name: _______________________________

Desired New Name (to be designated by your new GAY): _________________________

Weight: ______________

REAL Weight: ____________________________________

Age: _________________

TRUE Hair Color: __________, ____________________, _________________, & _______________

Complexion: __________________(eg.: Fair, Oily, Ashy, Yikes, yadda-yadda-yadda)


Address: (if you live with your parents, put down the pen and just walk away now)

Phone Numbers: (You MUST be reachable at ANY dramatic time)

Home:_______________ Cell:________________ Text Limit:______________

Email Address:_____________________________ Twitter Name:____________________

MySpace URL:_____________________________ Facebook URL:______________________


Current Relationship Status: (because your new GAY MUST come first)

Last Time You Had Sex: (because it WILL be the last!!)

How Do You Rate Your Looks? (remember, your new GAY is ALWAYS the pretty one)

Own Your Own Vehicle? (it must have room for people you won’t know…and wigs)

What’s Your Normal Bedtime? (your new Gay WILL require 2AM bar pick-up service)

Able To Work Alone? (at “last call”, that’s how you will end up)

Are You Always The Center Of Attention? (those days are GONE)

Into Clubbing? How Often? Even Baby Seals? (just kidding…?)

How Big Are Your Boobs? (this is very important to your Gay, as he’ll need a place to rest his cocktail, although small ones are just as funny and pettable)

Make-Up Habits…How Much & How Often? (don’t up-stage your Gay…it could be fatal)

What Importance Do You Apply To Personal Hygiene? (Irish Spring soap and duct tape do not count)


How Sympathetic Can You Be? (this is a deal breaker)

What Is Your Credit Score? (and where is the credit card)

Where Do You See Yourself In 10 Years? (because we don’t have a retirement plan)

How Well Do You Take Teasing? (which is Gay-Speak for the hard truth!!)

How Many Shopping Bags Can You Hold At Once? (gym membership not included)

How Many Gay Men Do You Know? (numbers…we need numbers!!!)

How Many Of Them Have You Tried To Sleep With? (we promise not to laugh)


Do You Have A Good Sense Of Humor? (you WILL need it)

Are You Willing To Be The Brunt Of EVERY Joke? (it WILL happen)

How Well Do You Take Criticism? (and you WILL take it)

What Type Of Gay Are You Looking For And What Makes You Think YOU Deserve One? (creativity counts)

What You’ll Pay For Your Gay To LIE About Your Weight? (trust us…it’ll happen)

Willing To Relocate? How Far? How Often? (there will be pageants to go to)


The following is a test of your math, agility and I.Q.:

Your mother just died…Your house just burnt down…You’ve discovered you over-tanned and Found a dark mole…So…How fast can you get dressed, get down to the bar and dust the cigarette ashes off your nelly owners’ shoulders?

If Johnny is leaving the bar at 1:15 AM and Pablo is meeting him at the Denny’s 5 miles down the street and the speed limit is 35 mph, are you willing to pay for their breakfast?

When being forced to watch “Titanic” with your Gay for the zillionth time, and then an all-day shopping binge, how fast can you stand between your owner and an angry Teabagger when he’s throwing a punch?

Previous Hag Experience:


Personal References: ( you must have a MINIMUM of 16 and NONE of them can be related to you, Lesbians, Under 18, or poking you)


Twitter Name

Facebook Info

Mobile Number

I , solemnly swear and attest that the information given by me in this application is true. Only at the discretion of my new Gay may any of the above information be changed or exaggerated, and only when it damn well pleases him. I understand that any falsification – either here or found in the future – is grounds for immediate termination and public humiliation.

______________________________________________ ______________

Signature (or paw print depending on your current looks) Date

Fags-4-Us ©” is copyrighted and licensed under ownership of “The Tempest Online™”. Any attempt to copy this material without prior written consent will be grounds for prosecution. Information provided on this application by the applicant that is found to be false, misleading or otherwise incorrect will result in non-consideration. We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone. No shoes, no shirt, no service. Let there be peace on Earth. Lather, rinse, repeat. Remember to always have your pets spayed or neutered. He who is without dog shit on his sneakers, take the first step on the white rug. If at first you don’t succeed, give up. Did you know that Mars is known as the “red planet”? Short people got no reason to live. You look like my mother…I HATE my mother!!! Constipated people don’t give a shit. I just farted. A Tootsie Pop is neither a Tootsie nor a Pop…Discuss. The only good corpse is a dead corpse. I’m a Barbie Girl, in a Barbie world. My ass itches. My time is NOW!!! Careful, Heather, you might digest something. The rain is really the angels crying, probably because of something YOU did. Ten dykes on a flatbed does NOT a parade make. Gawdamn, Veronica…Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast?? Welcome to the magical world of being a future welfare mother. If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie. Oh, and once again, if you try to copy this material in ANY way, your ass will be prostituted to the fullest extent of the law!!! Thank you, we’ll be here all week…try the veal.


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