The Tempest Online™

~ Sic gorgiamus allos subjectatos nunc. ~

How Does One Giftwrap A Hag?

Posted by Daniel on September 1, 2009


With my birthday coming this Friday, I’ve decided to post the following b-day request.

Seth and I are still on the lookout for our very own Hag. (female hang-out friend) (interesting fact: I just found out that the the Lesbian equivalent is called a “LEZBRO”.)

Please feel free to fill out the following application and email it back to us at C’mon, make a birthday boy happy.

Hags – 4 – Us

Name: _______________________________

Desired New Name (to be designated by your new GAY): _________________________

Weight: ______________

REAL Weight: ____________________________________

Age: _________________

TRUE Hair Color: __________, ____________________, _________________, & _______________

Complexion: __________________(eg.: Fair, Oily, Ashy, Yikes, yadda-yadda-yadda)


Address: (if you live with your parents, put down the pen and just walk away now)

Phone Numbers: (You MUST be reachable at ANY dramatic time)

Home:_______________ Cell:________________ Text Limit:______________

Email Address:_____________________________ Twitter Name:____________________

MySpace URL:_____________________________ Facebook URL:______________________


Current Relationship Status: (because your new GAY MUST come first)

Last Time You Had Sex: (because it WILL be the last!!)

How Do You Rate Your Looks? (remember, your new GAY is ALWAYS the pretty one)

Own Your Own Vehicle? (it must have room for people you won’t know…and wigs)

What’s Your Normal Bedtime? (your new Gay WILL require 2AM bar pick-up service)

Able To Work Alone? (at “last call”, that’s how you will end up)

Are You Always The Center Of Attention? (those days are GONE)

Into Clubbing? How Often? Even Baby Seals? (just kidding…?)

How Big Are Your Boobs? (this is very important to your Gay, as he’ll need a place to rest his cocktail, although small ones are just as funny and pettable)

Make-Up Habits…How Much & How Often? (don’t up-stage your Gay…it could be fatal)

What Importance Do You Apply To Personal Hygiene? (Irish Spring soap and duct tape do not count)


How Sympathetic Can You Be? (this is a deal breaker)

What Is Your Credit Score? (and where is the credit card)

Where Do You See Yourself In 10 Years? (because we don’t have a retirement plan)

How Well Do You Take Teasing? (which is Gay-Speak for the hard truth!!)

How Many Shopping Bags Can You Hold At Once? (gym membership not included)

How Many Gay Men Do You Know? (numbers…we need numbers!!!)

How Many Of Them Have You Tried To Sleep With? (we promise not to laugh)


Do You Have A Good Sense Of Humor? (you WILL need it)

Are You Willing To Be The Brunt Of EVERY Joke? (it WILL happen)

How Well Do You Take Criticism? (and you WILL take it)

What Type Of Gay Are You Looking For And What Makes You Think YOU Deserve One? (creativity counts)

What You’ll Pay For Your Gay To LIE About Your Weight? (trust us…it’ll happen)

Willing To Relocate? How Far? How Often? (there will be pageants to go to)


The following is a test of your math, agility and I.Q.:

Your mother just died…Your house just burnt down…You’ve discovered you over-tanned and Found a dark mole…So…How fast can you get dressed, get down to the bar and dust the cigarette ashes off your nelly owners’ shoulders?

If Johnny is leaving the bar at 1:15 AM and Pablo is meeting him at the Denny’s 5 miles down the street and the speed limit is 35 mph, are you willing to pay for their breakfast?

When being forced to watch “Titanic” with your Gay for the zillionth time, and then an all-day shopping binge, how fast can you stand between your owner and an angry Teabagger when he’s throwing a punch?

Previous Hag Experience:


Personal References: ( you must have a MINIMUM of 16 and NONE of them can be related to you, Lesbians, Under 18, or poking you)


Twitter Name

Facebook Info

Mobile Number

I , solemnly swear and attest that the information given by me in this application is true. Only at the discretion of my new Gay may any of the above information be changed or exaggerated, and only when it damn well pleases him. I understand that any falsification – either here or found in the future – is grounds for immediate termination and public humiliation.

______________________________________________ ______________

Signature (or paw print depending on your current looks) Date

Fags-4-Us ©” is copyrighted and licensed under ownership of “The Tempest Online™”. Any attempt to copy this material without prior written consent will be grounds for prosecution. Information provided on this application by the applicant that is found to be false, misleading or otherwise incorrect will result in non-consideration. We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone. No shoes, no shirt, no service. Let there be peace on Earth. Lather, rinse, repeat. Remember to always have your pets spayed or neutered. He who is without dog shit on his sneakers, take the first step on the white rug. If at first you don’t succeed, give up. Did you know that Mars is known as the “red planet”? Short people got no reason to live. You look like my mother…I HATE my mother!!! Constipated people don’t give a shit. I just farted. A Tootsie Pop is neither a Tootsie nor a Pop…Discuss. The only good corpse is a dead corpse. I’m a Barbie Girl, in a Barbie world. My ass itches. My time is NOW!!! Careful, Heather, you might digest something. The rain is really the angels crying, probably because of something YOU did. Ten dykes on a flatbed does NOT a parade make. Gawdamn, Veronica…Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast?? Welcome to the magical world of being a future welfare mother. If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie. Oh, and once again, if you try to copy this material in ANY way, your ass will be prostituted to the fullest extent of the law!!! Thank you, we’ll be here all week…try the veal.



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