The Tempest Online™

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The Origin of Our Species Has Been Revealed

Posted by Daniel on September 21, 2009

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I think the hate crime baiting, oft-asked question of where the hell gays come from (or how are they made?) has, at long last, been finally and definitively answered.

Or has it?

I always thought it was genetic (which I KNOW it is).

But some have said it’s environmentally caused.

Or perhaps those of us similarly blessed were just suckled or coddled (or both) by our moms waaaaay too long.

There are plenty of theories as to how gays come into being. And on this particular subject, I tend to think that anyone who DOESN’T think a person is born gay obviously was born with THEIR head up THEIR ass. Like my view on opinions, which I will divulge later.

I bring all of this up because of what happened during yet another Republican wound-licking event called the “Value Voters Summit”. I won’t bore you with all the lies, drivel, hypocrisy, pandering bull shit they vomited out to their way-too-overly-excited crowd of toothless white trash who are suckling at the governmental teats of Medicare while bitching about the possibility of “Barack The Magic Negro” (Rush Limbaugh played that fucking song again on his show during the summit) getting government into their healthcare.

No…I won’t go into that crap.

But I will talk about the latest piece of wedge-issue shit the Republicans are now throwing out as red meat to their hungry white trashy minions.

Brace yourself…

LOOKING AT PORN MAKES YOU GAY!!!

Yeah.

That pearl of wisdom came from Michael Schwartz, chief of staff for Sen. Tom Coburn (R-OK).

At the Family Research Council’s Values Voters Summit, Family Research Council Senior Fellow Pat Fagan, Heritage Foundation scholar Matthew Spalding and Michael Schwartz, the chief of staff for Sen. Tom Coburn, held a discussion on “The New Masculinity.” Schwartz, who was the final speaker, said that Fagan wanted him to discuss “how men, who already are good husbands and fathers,” can “change the culture.”

A few minutes into his speech, Schwartz moved to the topic of pornography, calling it a “blight” and a “disease” that parents’ “sons” would encounter. Noting that he was about to get “politically incorrect,” Schwartz said that it is his “observation that boys at that age have less tolerance for homosexuality than just about any other class of people.

Schwartz claims that his “ex-gay” friend revealed the true secret of how homosexuality is “inflicted on people”:

“And one of the things that he said to me, that I think is an astonishingly insightful remark. He said, “all pornography is homosexual pornography because all pornography turns your sexual drive inwards. Now think about that. And if you, if you tell an 11-year-old boy about that, do you think he’s going to want to go out and get a copy of Playboy? I’m pretty sure he’ll lose interest. That’s the last thing he wants.” You know, that’s a, that’s a good comment. It’s a good point and it’s a good thing to teach young people.

But all pornography is homosexual pornography because all pornography turns your sexual drive inwards. And that in fact is what it does. I know couples now who are struggling with the husband’s addiction to pornography. It’s a terrible thing, and that is what happened to him. You know, if it doesn’t turn you homosexual, it at least renders you less capable of loving your wife.

It is my observation that boys at that age have less tolerance for homosexuality than just about any other class of people. They speak badly about homosexuality. And that’s because they don’t want to be that way. They don’t want to fall into it. And that’s a good instinct. After all, homosexuality, we know, studies have been done by the National Institute of Health to try to prove that its genetic and all those studies have proved its not genetic. Homosexuality is inflicted on people.”

Schwartz then recalled “a very good friend” of his “who was in the homosexual lifestyle for a long time,” saying that he “had good conversations about, about the malady that he suffered.” He then relayed “an astonishingly insightful remark” his friend had made about the relationship between pornography and being gay:

SCHWARTZ: And one of the things that he said to me, that I think is an astonishingly insightful remark. He said, “all pornography is homosexual pornography because all pornography turns your sexual drive inwards. Now think about that. And if you, if you tell an 11-year-old boy about that, do you think he’s going to want to go out and get a copy of Playboy? I’m pretty sure he’ll lose interest. That’s the last thing he wants.” You know, that’s a, that’s a good comment. It’s a good point and it’s a good thing to teach young people.

Schwartz then added a slight caveat, saying, “if it doesn’t turn you homosexual, it at least renders you less capable of loving your wife. And it’s something you need to be healed of.”

Okay GOP…regarding the above outlined hate speech, I have not heard even ONE of you counter that or even so much as distance yourself from it. And I have been scanning and reading every media outlet FOR that rebuttal (both video and print). No one. Not one of you.

So, as I told Seth a couple of months ago:

DANIEL: “Mark my words…The GOP is already burning through their small stack of wedge issues – which shows their desperation – and I promise you the next wedge issue they throw out there will be about gays.”

And viola!! The GOP NEVER proves me wrong. (sometimes that tends to get a little scary)

You all can be the judges of the latest GOP theory.

But for you Republickers out there who are STILL not sure how to pick a real gay out of a crowd (because they threw down the latest issue of AssMasters), I’ve thoughtfully provided you with the following checklist to aid you in your continued efforts to “LOVE THY NEIGHBOR” and not “BEARING FALSE WITNESS”.

Happy hunting:

1. We could care less who Brittany Spears is sleeping with.
2. We understand the differences between 27 brands of imported Chardonnay.
3. We can call anyone “honey” including pets.
4. We know someone who was in the emergency room with Richard Gere and the gerbil.
5. We understand the immense importance of quality lighting.
6. We can be at a crowded disco the size of a baseball field and still spot a toupee.
7. We can tell a woman we love her bathing suit, and truly mean her bathing suit.
8. We can explain the nuances between steady date, boyfriend and lover.
9. We really have “Been there, Done that.”
10. Our women friends will tell us everything we want to know about their boyfriends.
11. We’re the only type of male who gets to say “fabulous.”
12. We can have naked pictures of men we don’t know in our house.
13. We can have naked men we don’t know at our house.
14. We know how to handle the telephone like a Stradivarius.
15. We understand why God invented spandex.
16. We understand why God didn’t intend everyone to wear it.
17. We know how to get back at just about everyone. And have.
18. We know that the most important part of a party’s decor is the catering staff.
19. We only wear polyester when we mean to.
20. We can smile to let someone know we hate them.
21. We can freeze a troll from 20 feet away.
22. We’re good pals with women other people can’t stand.
23. We’ve always got an opinion.
24. We’ve read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.
25. We know how to dress strategically.
26. Our car has an amusing female name.
27. We’re the only one at our reunion who looks better than you did in high school.
28. We know that sex complicates things. So?
31. We know that being called a “cheap slut” isn’t actually an insult.
32. There’s a married guy somewhere who is terrified of us.
33. Nobody tells us what to do in bed…unless we tell them what to tell us.
34. We have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.
35. We have at least one movie musical on video.
36. We’re not embarrassed to sing in a piano bar.
37. We’re embarrassed by people who sing in piano bars.
38. We never hold a grudge for longer than a decade or two.
39. We know how to make an entrance.
40. We know when to make an exit.
41. We worry about people we don’t even know – like Barack Obama.
42. We choose the most fabulous greeting cards.
43. We know how to program our VCR.
44. We’ve got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.
45. We have a cologne display worthy of Bloomingdales.
46. We understand, viscerally, Joan Crawford.
47. Some of our best friends are our ex lovers.
48. We know when to play dumb.
49. We know what to do for a hangover.
50. Yes, we do have a condom.
51. We’ve called someone “girlfriend” who is neither a girl nor a friend.
52. One or more of the following apply to us:

  • a) We adore Lady GaGa.
  • b) We hate Lady GaGa.
  • c) We hate people who adore Lady GaGa.
  • d) We hate people who hate Lady GaGa.
  • e) We don’t give a damn about Lady GaGa.
  • f) Who is Lady GaGa?

53. You can supply the last names to the following list:

  • a) Bernadette
  • b) Chita
  • c) Barbra

54. We made Donna Summer a star.
55. We made Donna Summer a has-been.
56. Tanning salons were invented for us.
57. We’ve made sunbathing a performance art.
58. We know when the party’s over.
59. We know where to go after the party’s over.
60. We’re fearless about fighting the elements, especially gravity.
61. When we hear “a stitch in time saves nine” we think of

  • a) Our grandma
  • b) Our face lift
  • c) John Wayne Bobbit

62. We know that pigs and bears are not necessarily rural wildlife.
63. Our roommate can be our roommate and not our “roommate.”
64. We know that referring to someone as “a real lady” isn’t necessarily a compliment.
65. Our favorite dinner accessory may also be our dinner companion.
66. If our cat is a female, we swear it’s a lesbian.
67. If our cat is a male, we swear it’s a lesbian.
68. We sing along with songs that make most females cringe, like “Stand by your man”.
69. We’ve been to a bris, a barmitzvah, a christening, a first communion and too many weddings and we have a carefully considered evaluation of the food after each.
70. We’ll never have to hear our mother complain about our wife.
71. A two-seater convertible seems perfectly practical to us.
72. We have a favorite Disney character and it’s usually a nasty one.
73. We’ve left someone totally speechless.
74. We’ve shaved something other than our face.
75. All our friends do not have to “get along”.
76. We have a large collection of anniversary pictures. They may be with different guys, however.
77. Our love handles are actually used as such.
78. When someone turns his back on us, we actually consider it an opportunity.
79. We’ve got a large assortment of movie-star biographies.
80. We’ve got the most interesting coffee table books.
81. We know where to find a meat rack and it ain’t in our kitchen drawer.
82. We have a sexual persuasion with its own flag.
83. At some moment in our life we’ve envisioned having back-up girls.
84. We know our enemies.
85. After a workout at the gym, we feel like a new man. And he’s right there in the shower.
86. We’re Lady GaGa’s biggest fan.
87. We know that Lady GaGa’s biggest fan is Lady GaGa.
88. Not only have we added spice to our life – sometimes we’ve added side dishes.
89. We know that “small talk” can be about spirituality or politics, and “important issues” can be about hair.
90. We’ve actually lived out some of our fantasies.
91. Unlike most straight women, we have no problem being treated solely as a sex object.
92. We have no doubts about the accuracy of the Kinsey Report.
93. We know, by heart, every line in:

  • a) All about Eve
  • b) The Rocky Horror Picture Show
  • c) Our face

94. We are ALWAYS ready for our close-up.
95. We have 412 ways to tell someone to get lost. 136 are non-verbal.
96. We can lip-sync to at least one Supreme’s song.
97. We have a carefully selected Yiddish vocabulary.
98. Even if we’re in Kansas, we’re not in Kansas anymore.
99. We know exactly how many martinis it takes.
100. When throwing a party, we know how to put out quite a spread. Sometimes after the party too.

There now…did ANY of that include porn?!?! Yeah, I thought not.

Thanks for letting me blow another one of your shitty views out of the water.

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2 Responses to “The Origin of Our Species Has Been Revealed”

  1. nice post…
    the list is hilarious…
    thanks

  2. Brian said

    You know, the ones that I feel sorry for are the porn stars. Because any porn star who’s over the age of 11 is gay and doesn’t even know it! I mean if WATCHING IT at 11 years old makes you gay….GOOD LORD! Can you imagine how GAYLY HOMOSEXUAL all those porn stars are who are MAKING IT are?????

    good lord. poor gay porn stars.

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