The Tempest Online™

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Nancy(boy) Drew & the Case of the Whatcoulddabeens

Posted by Daniel on November 4, 2009

It was an unusually sultry day, yesterday, the gentle breeze saturated with the scent of magnolia and a transient who brushed up against me in a downtown parking garage.

The day had started off pretty much as any other…

  • Cat & Dog on their usual morning tear through the house.
  • Delivery man ringing doorbell (not the cute one, but she was rather burly and strong).
  • Seth off on another assignment of school photography.
  • Lifetime Network showing (but muted) in the background showing yet another movie about women who hate men but need them around to breed.

In short I was enjoying a very hard-earned day off and, even though it was filled with chores, I was still relaxed.

Then it came.

The call that every spouse fears.

ring-ring…ring-ring…(yeah, my ringtone is that of a London flat)


“I have a collect call from Seth Lowe. Will you accept?”

“Um, Yeah…Okay.”

I already assume one of two things has occurred…either Seth has somehow magically turned up in a place that still HAS pay phones, OR he’s ended up in jail for some reason. And the voice on the other end of the line didn’t sound at all like someone from Alaska.


“Yes. OMG (I actually spelt that out on the phone), what’s happening? Why are you there? What did you do?”

“Do you remember that speeding ticket I got a couple of months ago?”

“You mean the little “gift” you got on my birthday? Yeah, what about it?”

“Well, I was supposed to have paid it but I totally forgot about it. So here I am.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?!?! They put you in jail for forgetting to pay a ticket? Wasn’t the due date yesterday? And you’re already in jail???”

“I’m sorry, honey.”

“What do I need to do? Okay, I’ll be right down there.”

So off I go.

Well, not right away. First I had to bake an appropriate cake with a nail file in it.

Nail File Cake

So after driving around for thirty minutes trying to find a parking space, I end up in an underground parking garage where I think half of the cities’ transient population have set up residence. And judging from the smell, they’ve been there a while.

Up I go to the jail and, after a thorough (and, might I add, thrilling?) body search, I’m escorted in to the visitors’ room. A small cubicle with one metal chair, an old-time phone and a sheet of thick plexiglass.

There, on the other side of the glass, was a forlorn looking Seth. Even though he’d only been in there for 2 hours, the time had not been good to him. He did, however, perk up when he saw the gift basket I’d thoughtfully put together for him with, what I thought were some items he’d need for the hard time he was facing. Hard time meaning the time it took me to walk to the bail window (after our visit) to post for his release.

The basket included:

  • Soap-on-a-Rope
  • Cigarettes (I hear they’re like money in there)
  • Knee Pads
  • Altoids (fresh breath couldn’t hurt)
  • 400 count Egyptian Cotton Sheet Set
  • Plush bath towel (one end says “Butt” – one end says “Face)
  • Bath Beads
  • Pumpkin-scented Diffuser (I also left one in the downstairs parking garage)

During our conversation I told him that I would have him out of there very soon, but to be brave in the mean time.

Incidentally, I don’t know if any of you have ever had to speak into those phones before, but does EVERYONE who uses them eat 24 sticks of Slim Jim’s jerky?  It took three squirts of my travel-sized Coco Chanel just to be able to speak into it.

I did everything I could during our visit to lift Seth’s spirits, but he was just too depressed.  But I did notice a rather familiar twinkle in his eyes which told me he had been in there too long and needed a little…um…T&A show.  You know, to remind him of what he was missing by being stuck in the big house.

Well, ever the dutiful husband, I relented.  At first I thought the Screws (that is what they call the guards, isn’t it?) would stop me, but they just sort of ignored us.  I suppose they see this kind of thing every day.

So after I sanitized both the table and glass in front of me with a handy moist towelette I always keep on hand for just such an emergency (really??), I proceeded to climb up onto the table to give him what he needed to see.

He wanted to see “the goods”…so that’s what I gave him… I've put on a few extra pounds!!!

Obviously I’ve put on a few extra pounds, but hey, marriage does that to people, right?

I must say, I managed to put on quite a good show for him.  All pressed up against the plexiglass…the occasional squeak and squeal as the Twins slide (like mud) down the glass.  I tried to throw in a few lip-lickings for good measure.  All the while I was humming M.C. Hammers’ “Can’t Touch This”.

Seth handled it like a trooper.  Well, at least he maintained a stiff upper lip.  That is until he violently began to throw up onto his side of the glass (another explanation of the smell on those phones).  From the looks of it, this was caused by the rather distasteful look of the bologna sandwiches he was served for what they laughingly must have called lunch.

As you might have guessed, this sort of put me out of the mood to be all sexy, so I climbed down from the table, pulled my tube top back up from around my waist and tried to show a little poise.  Such that could be in surroundings such as these.

I’ll bet the guards were glad this wasn’t a conjugal visit.

After all of this, our visit was over.  So I headed over to the bail office and had my man freed.  Seth bid farewell to his new friends and then we headed home.

On the way, I filled him in on all the things that had changed in the world since his incarceration.  Three seconds later, we pulled into his favorite eating establishment (Burger King) so that he could have his first free-world meal…it had, after all, been hours since his last one.

He’s doing pretty good now and acclimating nicely to his new-found freedom.

(FYI: None of the above was true.  Actually Seth forgot to pay his ticket, so we went down and he got an extension to pay until 12/11/09.  But we DID worry that it could have been worse.)


3 Responses to “Nancy(boy) Drew & the Case of the Whatcoulddabeens”

  1. K G said

    I’m getting worried that we haven’t heard from the boys for over three weeks now. What’s up?
    Has something happened?

  2. kirk said

    You had me at “The phone rang and Seth’s voice was small and weak onthe other end…” Yeah, like Seth is ever small and weak….

  3. Brian said

    All I could think about was Seth as Dr. Evil and you as Frau Farbissina when he was locked up and she brought him Taco Bell.

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