The Tempest Online™

~ Sic gorgiamus allos subjectatos nunc. ~

Archive for December, 2009

Let Us Pray

Posted by Daniel on December 31, 2009

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Here’s hoping your red turns to green

Your down’s turn up

Your income has a better outcome

Your hindsight leads to better foresight

Your wasted resolutions become successful revolutions

Your political temper loses it’s will to morally tamper

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From Daniel & Seth

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Posted in Holiday Fun, Life | 2 Comments »

Boun Natale

Posted by Daniel on December 25, 2009

Have A Great Holiday!!!

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

Because It’s Become A Holiday Tradition

Posted by Daniel on December 23, 2009

WARNING: The following tale is not suitable for people under the age of 18. It is highly recommended that if you are easily offended by gay imagery or stereotyped wordage, you click away from this story immediately. We don’t want to offend ANYONE, but don’t want to be told off for using our artistic license.

 

She’s A Mean One!!!

Every gay up in Fresno liked Christmas a lot, but the Bitch,

who seldom stepped foot in the area, most certainly did not.

The Bitch hated Christmas, the whole Christmas season!

Now, please don’t ask why…no one quite knows the reason.

It could be her wig wasn’t pinned on just right.

Or, perhaps it was that her cheap Payless pumps were too tight.

But I think that the most likely reason of all

May have been that her pee-pee was 2 inches too small.

But whatever the reason, she stood there they said

Hating each faggot and every last lez.

Staring down from the stage, glitter dusted and gorgeous,

Her face looking flawless, her tits quite enormous.

For she knew every Fresno gay, so tanned and so buff

Was now primping and tweezing and bleaching and stuff.

“And they’re waxing their back hair!” she snarled with a sneer.

“Tomorrow is Christmas! It’s practically here!”

Then she hissed, and just stood there looking quite stunning,

“I must find some way to stop Christmas from coming!”

For tomorrow the sodomites and carpet munchers

Will roll out of bed around 9:00 for their brunches.

They will walk hand in hand all over the place

Throwing their sick lifestyles in her gorgeous face.

And then they’d do something she liked least of all…

Every Fresno gay with their shaved low-hanging balls

In their way-too-tight t-shirts and their metal cock rings

Every drunk little faggot actually sings.

They sing Nicki,  Rihanna and Christina…its scary

Young ones sing Carly and Katy Perry

Brittany, Lady Ga-Ga, so many choices

Warbled out in effeminate, weak little voices.

And the more the Bitch thought of those fags trying to sing,

The more the Bitch thought, “I must stop this thing!”

“Why for 40…23 years I’ve put up with it now!

I must stop this Christmas from coming…but how?”

Then she got an idea, an awful idea!

The Bitch got a wonderfully awful idea!

Their apartments were empty, no one was at home

Disowned by their families, they despise being alone.

To the gay bars they march to spend all their money

Fools who think Smirnoff is good and Ellen is funny.

The Bitch tried the door but it was locked tight.

Thank goodness she watched CHARLIE’S ANGELS last night.

From her sassy new do she removed a hairpin

And picking the lock, she let herself in.

The place was atrocious, a postmodern bad dream

Filled with crap from Ikea, Pier 1 and Linen’s & Things.

With sad touches of retro: a new lava lamp

And a chrome vintage toaster, in short it was camp.

She slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant

Around the whole room and she took every present!!

Hair products, work-out gear, bronzer and more.

Skimpy little slut shorts and tank tops galore.

Male grooming products,the latest iPhone

Calvin Klein underwear and his stinky cologne.

An expensive l’Gea hair removal system

And so many drugs I can barely list them.

Acid and Crystal, Crank, Crack and Ice

Two 8balls of coke when one would suffice.

Poppers and Special K, plenty of X

And their stockings stuffed full of perverted gay sex.

Magazines, dirty books, all sorts of porn

Filthy smut movies by Kristen Bjorn.

Spunk personal lubricant, dildos this long,

Tit clamps and assless chaps, a two-headed dong.

Butt plugs and anal beads, soon to be shoved

“Have pity on them, they just want to be loved!”

The Bitch laughed to herself as she filled up her bags

Taking everything dear to the tired Fresno fags.

Once full, she twist-tied them and gave them the boot

And sent all the presents right down the trash shoot.

Then she slunk to the fridge, she ate the gay’s food!

She guzzled and gobbled and chowed down quite rude.

She ate wilted arugula, baked Brie and pate

Free range turkey, garlic-stuffed olives and crème Brule.

Basmati rice with Maui onions and sun-dried tomatoes

Rustic tex-mex, sage-infused roasted new potatoes.

Chilean sea bass and pumpkin ravioli

The Bitch washed it down with a bottle of Stoli.

Then the Bitch went postal on the fag’s Christmas tree

Tearing it limb from limb, as wild as she could be.

Lights popped as she karate-chopped, spinning like a twister,

Till the tree looked like it had been decorated by

Martha Stewart’s retarded sister.

The Bitch then smashed the gays’ most prized possession:

A pink triangle ornament…and then she smelled Obsession.

She turned around fast and saw a sleepy Gay

Little Sasha Jay Gay, who was 19 if he was a day.

The Bitch had been caught by this underage stud

Who could not go to bars yet and he resembled Paul Rudd

Paul Rudd was in “Clueless” and “Object of My Affection”

He always gave the Bitch a tiny little erection.

He stared at the Bitch and said, “Oh God, Savanah, why?”

“By the way, I’m half-blind, hung like a horse and bi.”

The Bitch started sweating, she needed to think

Then she smiled at the boy and gave him a wink.

“Your friends felt so bad that you couldn’t have fun

That they bought you a hooker, and I am the one!”

“Your Christmas present is me, you see

I’ve been hired to satisfy you, sexually.”

The Bitch thought the boy would run away

After all, this is Fresno, where no one’s supposed to be gay.

But not only did Sasha not disappear,

He was drooling and smiling from ear to cute ear.

“He really IS bi”, the Bitch thought in her head

“C’mon whore!” said Sasha, “Lets go to bed.”

“Ive a better idea, you lock the door

And lets do it all night right here on the floor.”

The boy wasn’t waxed, or bleached or tan

And he fucked like only a nineteen year old can.

They did it three times and then did it once more

And the Bitch really felt like a hot little whore.

And what happened next? Well in Fresno they say

That the Bitches small penis grew five inches that day.

No longer a drag queen and quite into ALL men,

The Bitch now frequents ALL the bars…including The Legends.

The End

Posted in GLBT, Holiday Fun, Just For Fun | 1 Comment »

The Season Of Giving Cutbacks

Posted by Daniel on December 21, 2009

PhotobucketEvery year it seems we are all faced with harder decisions when it comes to the holidays. And for those of you who STILL think the recession doesn’t reach every nook and cranny of society, just check out your shopping lists and address books. Tell me both aren’t being whittled down a little each year.

Tell me that someone who, (in an otherwise better economy, normally pisses you off and yet still gets a Christmas card from you,) hasn’t been ceremonially axed from this years mailing list. Where last year you had to buy three boxes of cards to mail out, this year you put one box back on the shelf telling yourself, “Ah, I see them every day, I’ll just tell them it was mailed.”

You try to reconcile this in your head by convincing yourself that due to recent household cutbacks, your stamp budget has suffered and you have to make that one book of stamps really count this year.

Same goes for gift-giving. You really want to shop for everyone in your life…family, friends, co-workers, street-walkers, prison pen pals, etc. Unfortunately, over the past few years the current economy has given rise to all of us having to really put everyone and our relationships WITH them under the holiday microscope. It is now when we really weigh out the value of this friends’ loyalty or that siblings’ unwillingness to share her recipe for “Flaming Figgy Pudding”.

That’s when you begin to notice your adventures in holiday shopping are getting shorter and less harried.

And you tell yourself:

Self: “So what? Carl and I have known one another since first grade. We’ve been through every part of one anothers’ lives and have always been there for each other. He knows I’d give my life for him. A REAL friend would already KNOW we’re friends and not EXPECT a gift as a reward. Besides, I didn’t get shit from that asshole last year…not even a card. Hey, come to think of it, he forgot my birthday, too. And he’s hinting that he wants a new fishing pole??? What kind of nerve is that?!?! Some friend!! He isn’t getting shit from me!!! I wouldn’t piss on that asshole if he were on fire!! I hate him!!!”

Wife: “Honey, we just got a Christmas card from Carl and June. Awww…it’s so sweet.”

Self: “Fine, we’ll get them a gift card and mail it to them…but I’m wiping my ass with the stamp!!!!”

Okay…so maybe all of that is just me.

But we have noticed that the economic downturn HAS played a huge role in our Christmas experience.

I know…I know!!!  Christmas is supposed to be a holiday of the heart and the season of love, peace and goodwill towards all men.

Well, in THAT case, we hope all of you enjoy the “presents” we are sending you with our hearts and minds.

Posted in Family, Friends, Holiday Fun, Life, Our Writings | 2 Comments »

We’re In Winter Heat

Posted by Daniel on December 7, 2009

Well, I suppose the title could be read in different ways.

Most of which apply.

First of all, the electric/gas utilities here in California are just plain obscene. Just to run the A/C right after we moved into this condo back in July ran our electric bill up to $200 per month!!! Seriously, from July through August we paid over $500 to PG&E, not including an extra $350 just for the freaking deposit. It got so insulting, we just stopped using the A/C altogether and literally had to sweat it out through the rest of Summer just to save money.

Now it’s “Winter” here and while we won’t see snow here in the valley, the temperatures dip down into the VERY low 30’s overnight.

Sorry to our friends back East. We know thirty-two degrees back there is more like Summer compared to your winters.

Now we’re having to debate whether or not to use the heat. And with these Spanish tiled floors, that just amplifies the cold. So we’ve decided to compromise…we run the heat from midnight to five a.m., then just bundle up during the day.

All of this “weather” is wreaking havoc with my neuropathy. It’s ironic that the colder the climate, the more my hands burn.

And now, just to add insult to injury, Puppy (our beloved demon spawn cat) has chosen NOW to fly into a raging round of being in heat. And on the VERY day she was scheduled to go to the vet to be declawed and have her ovaries sucked out!!!

I think she knew what was coming and PLANNED her cycle of estrus!!!

(and don’t tell me cats aren’t that smart)

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If you’ve never had to experience this little…um…period (lol), let me tell you it sucks out loud!!!

And “loud” is the operative word here. You want to feel sorry for them because it’s not exactly a pleasant time for the cat – unless she is lucky enough to slip outside and get nailed by the nearest thing with a phallus – but it’s SO DAMNED ANNOYINGLY LOUD (especially at night) that last night I was tempted to take her to a lesbian bar, throw her ass out to the middle of the dance floor and yell, “LAST CALL!!!!”

(Seth didn’t get that joke…I thought it was pretty damned good)

Puppy has been the biggest little whore since last Thursday and it probably pisses her off that not only does she live with tho gay guys, but even her best friend, Kitty (our dog) has been fixed and, try as he night to be Mr. Gallant (meaning humping her every chance he gets, despite our constant yelling at him), he’s shooting blanks when he DOES try.

Anyway, that’s our beginning of December.

It’s going to be quite a month…if we don’t freeze to death.

Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments »