The Tempest Online™

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Archive for February, 2010

Life And Other Bullshit

Posted by Daniel on February 24, 2010

I would like to make the following request before you read on…

If you are a member of my partners’ family or even in their close circle, please be advised I am going to share some details in this post regarding he & I that could be considered too sensitive for your eyes. It is not my intention to offend any of you, nor to be the cause of any internal family squabbles or tension. This is MY blog, where I post MY thoughts and stuff and feel that I have the right to post diary-like entries at my own whim. So should you continue reading the following post, then get the urge to call him up and berate him for any of it, DON’T!!! Remember, I asked you NOT to read it if you don’t want to know certain parts of our lives.

Oh yes, it’s true. We are still here. Bet you’ve been wondering where the posts have been over the past couple of months. Well, to be honest I wasn’t sure there would be any, as I was about an emotional inch away from chucking this as well as every other outlet I’ve had.

Let me explain it to you first in a nutshell:

Love is for saps!!!

All it ever does is draw ones’ focus away from what you THOUGHT were the important things.

I mean, you have your life pretty well defined. You’re going about your business, doing the right things, keeping a nice balance between your social life and your quiet time at home curled up with a book and the cat/dog. Throw in a pipe, slippers and fireplace crackling in the background and it’s a metaphoric nirvana.

Then the one thing you thought you were either not ready for or, at the very least, not looking for comes up and cracks you upside the head with life’s little iron skillet.

Love.

Okay, so now that I’ve muddied the waters here enough, let me fill you all in on the past four months.

My other half (and you know who he is) is prone to bouts of depression. He said from day one that he’s had this problem since he can remember. Over the years, I’ve come to know the signs of when he’s hit with one of these bouts, and, as a result, I have learned that there is really nothing I can do but stand back and just be there for him. It sucks, because you really hate seeing the one you love going through something like that.

I’ve suggested he might want to see a therapist (of one kind or another) because what he thinks might be Bi Polar, I think is chronic depression.

Anyway, I’ve mentioned that I am now used to his bouts of melancholy. But about four months ago, during the onset of his latest bout, something else happened that changed the entire picture. Not only for him but for us.

In addition to his state of depression, I started noticing he was being far more distant, confused and, at times, irritably standoffish with me. This is something he’s never done, so imagine my surprise.  Not to mention a sudden halt to…well…you know (wink wink nudge nudge).  Seriously, at the beginning we winked and nudged so much I grew gray hair.  Now it’s once a month and that’s only if he feels guilty.

But that part isn’t the cause for my angst or frustration.  Not entirely, at least.

Another nutshell for you…

Since last October, he recently told me (last week, actually) that he has:

  • “Lost feelings for you”
  • “Lost respect for you”
  • “Lost faith in you”

He’s been telling me those things for at least the past month now, but when I ask him “What feelings??” or “What do you mean you lost respect for me??”, he followed it up with the following answer. “I don’t know.  I can’t put it into words what or why, I just know I have lost them.”

Then the coup de gras…

  • “It’s not you, it’s me.”
  • “It’s nothing you’ve done or said.  It’s that I’ve (meaning he’s) changed somehow.”

Yeah.

For every one of those, it’s been a stack of bricks placed squarely on my chest, at the same time someone else is kicking me in the balls.

Suffice it to say, I’ve been having “issues” with that shit.  Mostly because my mind isn’t wired for that kind of fucked up logic.  In my mind, if I think I’ve lost feelings for someone, I would have to know (at least vaguely) just what those feelings are.  I understand his mind does work differently, but that kind of so called logic seems to me like bullshit.

Now, let me give you a little history…

My other half loves to go out.  He hates sitting at home, even when it’s the more practical thing to do at the time.  And because I know his need to let his hair down (well, figuratively anyway), I have never said no any time he asked me if I minded.  Truth be told, I minded on many occasions very much because those nights out would generally end with him not showing up back at home until 3 – 4 – 5-ish in the morning.  But instead of blowing the well-deserved gasket on him, I simply chose to bite my tongue because I was so afraid of making him feel smothered or shackled.

I realized I fucked up right there.  Gay or straight, if you’re in a committed platonic relationship, for one of you to be out partying all night 3 or four nights a week then crashing at the homes of people you’ve either never met or met but don’t know anything about.  It’s inappropriate.  It’s disrespectful.  It means you mean less than those friends he likes to party with.

Another thing that he revealed to me is that he thinks it’s dull and routine at home and would rather be out partying.  (in fact, he recently told me he never wants the party to stop)  Well who the hell DOESN’T think home can be a tad boring!!!  Especially in the winter when there are fewer options of outside entertainment!!!  Couple that to the still-sucky economic times and the fact that we – like most other mortals – are trying to keep up financially and also save money so that he can make another visit home to WV.

My mind tells me that he (intentionally or inadvertently) wants to have his cake and eat it too.  He is oblivious that I, too, might be bored sitting at home every night and might want to go somewhere as well, but is frustrated that I think he is being a wee bit selfish and immature.

Don’t get me wrong.  I WANT him to have time with his friends.  I’ve never intimated anything different.  Ever.  But I think there should be a balance and that when (as he put it) he’d rather be anywhere but here, what the hell does he think that does to the person he’s with???  He keeps trying to convince me that he’s still in love with me and wants to do whatever it takes to make things work again.

To make matters worse, he’s also thrown out the “S” word as perhaps an option to somehow salvage our relationship.  Separating is NEVER a good idea.  It’s pulling the fucking bandaid off one hair at a time, and he bloody well knows it.  He said that IF it ever came to that nuclear option, it would “only be temporary.  Just until we either have everything fixed OR if it looks like the separation isn’t helping, I will come back and we will try something else.”

Is he the only one out there he’s fooling with that shit, or am I alone in thinking that?  Seriously.

For the past week or so, we’ve been doing a LOT of talking about all of this, and you remember how I mentioned earlier that he used that line “It’s not you, it’s me.”?  Well, it seems the more we talk, the more things that come to light and what do you know…IT IS ME!!!!!

  • I didn’t say “NO” enough…and he was expecting me to keep him from overdoing that.
  • I made him feel guilty for his going out so much (by the way, that is bullshit.  I never gave him grief over that, not once.  His guilt is self-imposed.)
  • I wasn’t the one working enough and he is working two jobs and he resents me for that.  Never mind I’ve always had the jobs and actually PREFER it that way.
  • I wasn’t social enough.  Well, not when all these people in this town like to do is go out to the bars and get fucking drunk!!!

So far, those are the things we’ve been able to squeeze out of his mind as reasons for problems and things to fix.  But I looked at those as all easy fixes.  In fact, I really started looking at that as reason to breath again.  After all, all of those things can be changed.

Yeah, but…

He then tells me,

“I don’t want you to get your hopes up just because we fix those things.  I know we will, but there are a LOT more issues in my head.”

So I ask him, “Well what are they??”

To which he replies, “I don’t know, but there’s a lot more that has my mind messed up right now.  When I can figure them out, I’ll let you know.”

So now I feel like he just keeps moving the finish line on me.  More accurately, I feel like Charlie Brown, still trying to kick that football and he is SO FUCKING BEING LUCY!!!

My honest opinion is that he is being planted the idea of separation by one of his “concerned” friends who has only my partners’ best interest at heart.  Yeah right!!  This person is being sneaky and trying to land Seth for himself and EVERYONE in this town (including my partners’ own friends) knows this.  His friends are now even coming to me and telling ME how inappropriate they think it is that this guy and him hang out as much as they do, and in the WAY they do.

Sounds paranoid, I know.  Until, that is, you take into account just the fact that everyone around this town (again, including my partners’ own friends) think this ghost guy is playing on my partners’ kindness and naiveté.  That he’s putting on the “I’m your only true friend” act.  Remember that Rudolph’s Shiny New Year where the baby New Year gets kidnapped by the ugly-assed vulture Eon?  Yeah, it’s kinda like that.  And yes, this is the same guy who took HIM to the Grammy’s and has HIM over for dinner or visits with his kids and invites HIM to what turn out to be SINGLES MIXERS.

I trust my other half…completely and with all of my heart and soul.  There is nothing in this world that I wouldn’t do for him.  And because of that, I always give this particular friend of his the benefit of the doubt and trust that nothing “funny” is going on.  I’d make any and all sacrifices if it means his happiness…and I have, since day-one.  But now I feel that he is putting me in limbo with all of this “When I know, you’ll know” crap.

Right now, we are taking all of this on a day-by-day approach.  And while there are times I feel lost and awash with emotion, we are still hopeful that everything will work out.  He tells me every day that he doesn’t want to give up on us and that he refuses to let go of me, and that keeps a small fire of hope burning within me.

I guess that’s about all I can ask for at this point in time.

But I’m still not giving up.

Because I AM in love.

(to be continued…)

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