The Tempest Online™

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Archive for June, 2010

The Hard Truth About Living A Lie

Posted by Daniel on June 14, 2010

Not IF He Never Comes Back

Dear Readers:

You’ve been wondering where I’ve been for the past several months. Well,truth is I’ve been right here all along. Staring at the computer unable to form a cohesive thought to write because of recent events. And I’m going to share those events with YOU, because I feel it could (in some small way, possibly) help the next poor sap out there who feels they can never have their better half tear their hearts out in ways you NEVER thought they could. Causing you to say and think things to/about them that you NEVER imagined yourself EVER thinking.

What you’re about to read was a project assigned to me by the head of a group session I’ve been attending for the past 6 weeks. The group is for those in relationships who were jilted in emotionally traumatic ways by someone who, as it turned out, dumped them.

The project for last week was to have a written letter (written TO the one who left us) saying EVERYTHING we were otherwise too weak or messed up to say to that person IN person. The first half of the letter was to serve as a mirror FOR the people who dumped us…the last part was to be a mirror to US to show what we really feel, no matter how messed up it seemed.

It’s pretty hard to read, but believe me when I say, it was a billion times harder to write. Funny thing is, I did it without a single edit. Strange how a broken heart can say it all on the first draft.

Thanks, again, for being so patient these past several months, but as you’ll see from the following, it’s been pretty hard to muster up the strength or the time to write fun pieces about politics or angry shit about oil spills of late.

Also, I KNOW there are going to be the usual people out there who read this and want to tell me that this is not an appropriate forum with which to expose/spill all of the following. To them I say, this is MY website where I get to vent MY life and rants and thoughts. I certainly don’t intend for ANYONE to be offended by what they’re about to read, but it IS part of MY life and My healing. Besides, I know that as much as HE wants to read this letter, he won’t out of fear of what it says.

So, here is where I’ve been all this time…

06/09/10

Dear Seth,

I’ve been trying for months to come up with the right words to say to you regarding everything you’ve been doing over the past nine (+) months and, as a result of that, everything you’ve done. There are no easy ways of expressing my feelings without giving it to you straight and to the point.

So here goes…

I hate everything you have become. I hate everything you’ve done, not only to me but everybody else around you, including our animals. I think you became a very weak-minded person who decided it was easier to take advantage of me and our situation than to be the real man I KNEW you to be and resist bullshit temptation. Even you know that too much partying leads to bad things.

While I am very proud to have heard you actually use the word “inappropriate” to describe your behavior, it still pains me that you continue down that same road, even now knowing just HOW inappropriate you’re actions have been.

You started breaking up with me over a year ago and you still, to this day, won’t admit it to me. You mistakenly convince yourself that I am too fragile minded to handle even the simplest truth about what you’ve done. You underestimate me at every turn with every lie of omission. The truth of the matter is that you fell into a lifestyle that even YOU knew was wrong and immoral and yet you still want to live that way.

I knew when you cheated on me almost the very first time. Don’t keep denying it because I KNOW you did. What pains me most about that (other than I TRUSTED YOU and you KNEW it was wrong!!) is the fact that you just kept doing it. And the proof is out there…too many witnesses. I loved you, Seth. I trusted you implicitly. I trusted you with my life because you TOLD me I could. Then one day you decided what we were struggling to build together wasn’t worth it anymore. So you slowly but surely decided to begin to emotionally and physically move on away from me and US and never bothered to tell me about it. You actually thought I would never find out what you’d been doing. At least until you were good and gaw-damned ready to tell me. Wrong move.

I thought you loved me. I trusted every time you told me that. I BELIEVED YOU every time. Because of that, it wasn’t hard to notice when you began to not say it to me unless I said it to you. Then you just STOPPED saying it altogether. You stabbed the heart you were trusted with, Seth.

I knew a long time ago that you have always been impressed with people who knew people because if you got close to them, doors would open for you. Funny thing is, ever since you started down the path you are on now, just how close to those dreams ARE you now???

I KNEW what your attraction to Todd was (and I KNOW you were in love with him, which makes you a cheater there, too) and I KNEW that was why you never wanted me invited to ANYTHING you two ever did. And I DO know EVERYTHING you two did!!! You were wrong for doing that. Using him for personal gain. And you were wrong for treating me like I didn’t exist during that time.

Then there are all the guys you’ve been exchanging dic-pics and videos with since at LEAST early last year. You’re a piece of shit for doing that, because you KNEW it was wrong, but you decided what Daniel doesn’t know won’t hurt him. How fucking wrong you were. How fucking wrong you ARE!!

I know your guilt. I’ve been through this shit before and with assholes who were (to a point) MUCH better at covering the tracks of their lies and cheating. But I’m going to give you one gift here…I am going to confess something to YOU!! I have, in the ENTIRE TIME we were supposedly “together”, lied to you exactly ONE time.

I DID LOOK THROUGH YOUR PHONE!!! And after MUCH digging and MANY hours of scanning, discovered MANY things you were doing even BEFORE Todd came into the picture.

To this very day, I STILL cry about lying to you about that. Because I love you and yet I still broke one of my own rules…

1) NO CHEATING
2) NO LYING
3) NO FIGHTING (arguing is good – fighting isn’t)

But even you said it, you didn’t leave me any options because you were hanging FAR TOO MANY secrets over me and OUR lives. And yet…

Two wrongs do NOT make a right, and I do, with all my heart, owe you an apology for lying to you about that. And I truly AM sorry.

So many times since all of this started, Seth, I asked you “why??”.  Every time your answer was, “I don’t know.  I can’t seem to figure that out.  So I can’t give you a solid reason.”  And to this very day, you still won’t tell me why you threw a GOOD life away for whatever the hell you’re living now.  So once again, you get away with everything scott-free.

I never cheated on you.  I never lied to you.  I sacrificed EVERYTHING for you.  I made ALL of the concessions and sacrifices because I loved you.  I wouldn’t even allow you to walk to work (two blocks away) because I didn’t want you to have to walk.  Instead, I walked, and I work almost a mile down the street!!  In the heat.  In the rain.  I got hit by a GD car and STILL I walked so that YOU wouldn’t have to.  Many times, I walked because you took the truck overnight to “a friends’ house” and I was FORCED to walk to work because you never came home!!

So you had it pretty good here, Seth.  You had someone who devoted his LIFE to making yours better.  Someone who supported you and had your back NO MATTER WHAT!!  Someone who loved you unconditionally, with no strings attached, with no price tag, with no regret.  How many times and to how many people (including me) did you say, “I can’t possibly imagine not being with Daniel.  I KNOW that we were made for one another.  I love him with all my heart.”???  One month later, I find out that you’d been cheating on me.

As I said, I pretty much know what you were trying to gain by falling in love with Todd. You had a FEW similar interests and he had the POTENTIAL to introduce you to others you might see as possible windows of opportunity. Fine. I couldn’t provide you with that kind of life (YET), so you began falling in “love” with him. And I KNOW there was “stuff” going on between you two because NO FRIEND has THAT MANY SLEEPOVERS without sex. PERIOD!!

Okay, so there was the attraction to Todd. The other guys you’ve done or not done whatever with? I’ll just chalk that up to you being weak as shit and WAY too social!! But Patrick…!!

Now THIS is something I JUST DON’T FUCKING GET!!! And it’s probably because you DID completely break it off with me BECAUSE of him!!!! You can’t possibly deny what’s right there in front of both of us. YOU’RE WITH HIM!!! YOU LEFT ME TO BE WITH HIM!!! Just be fucking honest with both me AND yourself and admit that!!! I DON’T see the attraction. I don’t see the potential for ANYTHING long-term. Period!! So you fucking left me for a gaw-damned fucking fling. Then you fucking fell in love with him WHILE we were still (supposedly) together!! You’re a fucking callous, cowardly and cruel ASSHOLE for doing that and putting me through all the half-truths (if not outright LIES) for that period from October 17, 2009 until you finally HAD to tell me we were broken up!!! FUCK YOU FOR THAT!!! I deserved better than for YOU (of ALL people) to disrespect and take advantage of me AND OUR LOVE like that!!

Okay, I’ll give you the point…maybe you truly ARE in TRUE love with him. Good for you. I hope you both get what you both so richly deserve out of it. Honestly, I don’t think it’ll last the end of the year, but I’ve been wrong about everything else about you, so hey, congratulations.

Oh, and there are a few other items I have to pick at…you made many promises that you broke. Actually, you broke EVERY promise you ever made.

And this brings me to just WHY you made me write this letter. And I’m not even going into the red-headed Todd who swims naked in his pool, or the other black guys on this part. There just isn’t enough paper to print my feeling out about THAT shit.

It’s going to be in the form of a list, so perhaps that’ll make it easier for you to absorb.

Ready? Here goes…

1) All the “sleepovers” or “I just crashed over at a friends house”. – You had a home and AS a person in a relationship, it was your DUTY to resist any temptations and be responsible for your actions AND to CONSIDER your partners’ feelings IN those actions. You never did.


2) The pic/video exchanges. – No matter HOW YOU saw it EVER (like the one you sent to Vern that you explained away as “It was just a joke”…the same Vern who later attacked the truck with you in it because he felt that you had been leading him on!!), it was wrong EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU DID IT!!! And it WAS cheating!!!


3) All that time with Todd. – No matter what the “situations”, you made everything obvious by never having ONCE invited your CURRENT partner to a single get-together with just him and you. You made YOURSELF look guilty with that, and EVERYONE said so. It made me feel that, Todd being the kind of person that I know him to be, you MUST have made him believe that you and I were either an “open relationship”, or separated, or really close friends or whatever. I just doubt he would have taken it so far had he known the TRUTH about us. Correct me if I’m wrong.


4) Your involvement with your CURRENT lover (since day-one). – You began that shit WHILE we were still together and I KNEW you were screwing around with him. From that one night we were on our way home from the bar and you blurted out to me, “Oh and I’m also into black guys.” Never ONCE did you ever even INTIMATE to me in four fucking YEARS anything like that. And DON’T hand me any sense of prejudice shit, either. I love ALL people (unless their fat, retarded, idiots or CHEATERS). I am not prejudice at all. My sexual PREFERENCE is to white guys, but that AIN’T not prejudice. So your fucking (or getting!!!) HIM has no relevance to race. It’s just that when you blurted that shit out to me in the truck, I KNEW you were starting something with him and it just fucking killed me inside. Because the way you were acting with THIS one showed me that you DID fall in love with him and you DID lie to me about IT AND when it started and how you felt about me.

5) During that eight months since you started seeing Patrick, you were lying to me.  You kept telling me everything was going to be ok.  Every time I asked you if you were sleeping with someone else, you’d get mad and tell me NO.  But I knew.  I knew because that person TOLD other people, who told me.  Other people SAW you two together AS a couple.  And all the while, you would try to reassure me that all was well with you and I and to stop worrying about it.  You kept blaming you mood swings (emotional distance) on your history of bouts of depression.  And like the true idiot I was, (knowing the TRUTH) I defended that lie with anyone who asked what was wrong with you.  Maybe you WERE depressed…but I think it was more guilt, though I doubt you acknowledged it as such.  One minute you’d be defending yourself and reassuring me that we, AS A COUPLE, and our relationship was FINE…the next you were telling EVERYONE ELSE that we had already broken up.  You did that FOR EIGHT MONTHS!!  Then when I finally MADE you own up to whether or not we, in fact, WERE OR WERE NOT still a couple, you finally had to tell the truth.  But even THEN, you kept telling me for two MORE months, that you just needed to get through this phase and for me to hold in there because you were doing all of this (CHEATING???) for US.  To fix what was wrong with US.  You told me that you had “lost feelings” for me, but when I asked what feelings, you said you didn’t know.  When you told me you just didn’t know how to appreciate me anymore, I asked WHY.  You had no answer.  You told me we would get back together on the 1st of June if you hadn’t figured out what your problems were by then.  You said that you’d see a psychologist because you had too many internal issues.  None of that ever happened.  You were either placating me…or outright LYING.

All the acts of a weak and intentionally or unintentionally cruel person. AND I KNOW THAT ISN’T REALLY THE TRUE SETH DANIEL LOWE!!!! So stop trying to convince me that that IS how you are!! That’s fucking bullshit!!!

Now it’s time to refresh your memory as to the things you SAID to me that broke my heart each and EVERY time you were proven to be lying, either to me, to yourself or to both of us. And I know how you HATE having your own words thrown back in your face, Seth, but how are you EVER going to learn what NOT to do until someone points out the shit you say that holds no water at the TIME you say it? From the time all this shit started, here’s how you hurt me…in pretty much the order you said and did them…

1) “NONE of this is so that i can sleep with other people or fuck around.” (how’d that work out?)
2) “I’m not going to fall in love with anyone else but you.” (and don’t keep saying it’s not like you PLANNED to…it still turned out to be untrue!!)
3) “We’re not breaking up, I swear. It’s just a hiatus so that I can get over the shit in my head that’s distracting me from US.” (not long after you said this to me, I found out several of your “distractions”.)
4) “We need to try a trial or partial separation. I think that will help me out a lot.” (you made this all about you.)
5) “No, you haven’t done ANYTHING wrong. You’ve been the PERFECT person for me and in ALL the world, you ARE the one person FOR me!!” (you not only said that to me, but to several other people as well. and you wonder why I and everyone else are so fucking shocked about you, soon after, leaving me for Patrick or anyone else???)
6) (to several people) “I resent Daniel because he isn’t working two jobs like I have to do. I can’t keep CARRYING us like this!!!” (I fucking HATE you for that one, Seth!!! We BOTH made the same amount of $$ per month, but I didn’t HAVE to have two jobs to do it!!)
7) “Hiatus and Separation and Break-up all mean the same thing!!!” (no, they fucking don’t!!)
8) “I’m only doing this so that I can get my head together so that we can be what we were.” (do you even remember what we were, Seth?)
9) (after the truth about Patrick came out) “You have to let me go through this. I’m doing this for US.” (no, at this point, you were only thinking with your dick!!!)
10) (soon after that) “You need to try to get yourself together and get over it. You have to be strong.” (no way in HELL to be strong when you spent eight months knocking me down emotionally, ending in you dumping me for HIM!!!)
11) (after you admitted to having sex with Patrick for weeks) “I PROMISE I will end it. No more sex with him. I will stop seeing him completely.  I promise.” (that very night, you spent the night with him and didn’t come home until almost noon the next day.)
12) “Just give me until June 1st. If I haven’t fixed my shit by then, I’ll leave him and we will get back together and find ANOTHER way to solve my issues.” (I knew THAT was bullshit the second you said it)
13) “You don’t think I’m suffering, too???” (at his house…in his arms…yeah, boohoo!!)
14) “It’s NOT my fault you don’t have any friends!! You should have been more social!!” (you mean the way YOU were? No thanks!! I still HAVE my morals. Besides, I was too busy WORKING and SAVING and keeping us afloat while you went out every night spending money!!  And MY friends don’t come with a price tag of “sleep with me or we can’t be friends”) (speaking of morals, see #16)
15) “I know you’re ‘frustrated’. Just go to the computer and “TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS”, then go to bed.” (so easy for the guy who was cheating on me at the time to say)
16) (referring to pending lawsuit settlement) “I only asked if you were going to give me any of that money NOT for the money itself, but because if you had said NO, then I would know your morals had changed.” (who the fuck are YOU to talk to ANYONE, ESPECIALLY ME, about questionable morals??? you cheated on me and lied about it for eight months!!!)

Now, I know what you’ve probably been thinking while reading this. Those same questions are racing through your head:
“Why the fuck didn’t he ever say any of this shit to me before?”
“Where is all of this coming from?”
“Who told him what?”
“Why won’t he ever tell me who said shit about me?”
“What does he really know, and what HASN’T he told me?”

Just keep in mind, Seth, even THROUGH all of this – and it has been torture like you would never comprehend, thanks to you – I will never reveal sources. Mostly because they aren’t always people you talk to every day. But you know each and every one of them and they ALSO know and love you!! Their concerns voiced and pointed out (sometimes in graphic detail) were out of concern FOR you…AND US!!! And I choose not to reveal those names. I don’t have to. Not until you come clean with me on all the names and THINGS you have done since day one. And please, I am a VERY SMART MAN who KNOWS that some things CAN be unintentionally blown out of proportion or lost in translation. I AM smart enough to know that, Seth. But I think what makes you mad is that you know that I KNOW that even fairy tales have SOME basis in truth. Meaning at LEAST 90% of what I know IS true.

Time now to tell you something about the here and now. Believe it or not, this might actually make you even more angry at me than what you’ve read so far, but at this point, I don’t care.

I LOVE YOU, SETH DANIEL LOWE!!!

I want you to get your fucking shit together and fucking LEAVE THAT GUY!!! It’s time to fucking grow the fuck up and realize that you had a FUTURE with US. Your insatiable NEED for social acceptance should NEVER have led you to simply throw US AND OURT LOVE AND OUR HISTORY AWAY!!! I am nobody’s gaw-damned Kleenex, Seth and you treated me JUST like one. I want you to give US another try, because that’s what’s SUPPOSED to happen!!! You WERE right about a few things, Seth, and one of those things was that WE ARE made for one another!!

I’ll bet you’re wondering how I can say that in light of everything that’s happened. Because I believe in second chances. I believe in FIGHTING FOR THE ONE I LOVE!! I believe in YOU!!! And I REFUSE to believe you just don’t fucking love me anymore!!! NO WAY my Seffy can be that heartless!!! Just simply no fucking way.

Will I ever be able to forget all that has happened? Probably not. But ONLY because that, too, is now part of my (or our) history. And our history is what makes all of us who we are.

Will I ever forgive? Oh yes. Because that’s what true love really means. When you decide to give the other a second chance, it MUST be with the caveat that there can be NO lording the past over the other person…not even in times of stress or anger. I know this, Seth, because as much of a bitch as I am, I have a heart and I have a brain. So I could nor WOULD NEVER use the past as a weapon against you. I want you back and that means leaving the emotional baggage behind. It isn’t needed or WELCOME on this JOURNEY.

Do you remember what I said to you about how life CAN NOT BE about the destination, but what matters is the journey the two of us are on? It’s still fucking true.

I want you back, Seth. I know that you will say no. I know that you have looked at me in the past as some messy sappy queer who just refuses to get over shit. You would be wrong about that, too. You may have lost sight of what it truly means to be in TRUE love during this period…but I haven’t.

To the contrary, all of this has shown me even more of an appreciation for love, life, those around me, OUR animals, and ESPECIALLY you!!!

Funny thing…I never lost MY appreciation for YOU. I never lost feelings for YOU. I NEVER RESENTED YOU.

Not once. Not though all of this. Not even now.

And no, I DON’T need therapy!! I truly DO know just how much I feel for you and WHY I feel it and whom I love. I am now, and have been throughout all of this (to one extent or another) fully in charge of my faculties and feelings and emotions. You may still OWN my heart, but I truly know what’s in it.

I know that what I’m demanding of you isn’t easy for you. I understand that, unlike for me, you
probably can’t just shut off your feelings for him. I even know that I’m just probably pissing in the wind. But I also KNOW what I truly, madly, deeply feel and I, unlike you, refuse to ignore MY feelings anymore.

You told me at one point I should try being and living single, maybe as a way of dealing with what I feel about you. Yeah, probably. But there’s one thing you keep forgetting, Seth…

I’ve been practically single and recently LIVING single for eight months now!! And I’ve been through hell and back when it comes to all of the emotions that came with that realization. I think that in your mind, I haven’t given myself time or the chance to let go and move on and heal. Not true. I have tried for MONTHS (through each lonely day and night) to see things AS a single person, because that is exactly what you MADE me when you started all of this. Yes, it’s been so very hard trying to convince myself that I’m not in love with you anymore (as I know you haven’t been in love with me for a long time). I’ve gone out, socialized, (more than you know) made some new friends and made connections not only to some nice high-up people, but also to a group of people who share my experiences.

In a way, that helped me get through the horrid range of emotions that you caused me to go through…mostly alone. And that’s the key word here, Seth…you basically made me go through it all alone. Sure, when you WERE here, we’d talk and you’d do your best to talk me down from whatever emotional ledge I happened to be on that particular day. But then you’d just leave.

And that hurt so much.

But I still think I deserve to be with you. I DO think you ARE ready and DO deserve to be with ME.

If, however, you just flat out and HONESTLY tell me that you CAN’T EVER be in love with me, please just tell me.

Just one more question, Seth…please, Honey, PLEASE, just tell me WHY you DID all of this. The REAL reason(s). No more placating or omissions. Just the truth. Said to…

Your friend…Me (Daniel)

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