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Archive for October, 2010

This Is Single Life???

Posted by Daniel on October 30, 2010

As if my attitude didn't say it for me...

Since I was forced to be single by my ever-cheating EX, I’ve become somewhat familiar with a new vernacular…”Dating Site Lingo”.

It’s been a long time since I was single, and I guess things really have changed over the years.  Being what some would call “old school”, I was completely unaware of how to answer certain questions.  The most often asked is, “So, what are you into?”


Until recently, I would have answered that thusly:

“Well, I love gardening, spending time with my dog, loving my man, hiking, travel, cozy nights in front of the fire, good books, wine and music……”

Who knew that was the answer NO ONE was looking for???  Besides, how many of us say “cozy nights in front of the fire” and most of us don’t even have a fireplace?!

Now when they ask what you’re into on those dating sites (as well as in person when they’re ballsy enough) they mean something entirely different!!

The following is a list of options they are referring to and my subsequent rubber-stamp answer:

  • By the way, the following list is rather graphic, so if you DON’T want to know these things (which, by the way, are not JUST in the gay culture, but just as prevalent in the hetro world…if not more so.)  So don’t say you weren’t warned.
  1. Leather – I’m too short to pull off wearing this stuff…I’d look like some freaky saddle!!
  2. Fisting – I’m too old to wear diapers and too young to want to wear adult diapers.
  3. P&P – No “poppers” for me…but if they could put the sweet smell of a good man into a bottle, THEN count me in!!
  4. Porn – Why would I want to watch OTHER people having more fun than I am?!?!
  5. Voyeurism – If I wanted other people to watch, I’d be IN porn!!
  6. Slings – It’d just ruin my fond childhood memories of the playground.
  7. Toys – Not unless they can come up with a dildo that can also transform into a car or an airplane!!
  8. Watersports – I’ve been pissed on by “the man” all my life (especially the cheaters)…let’s not make it THAT vivid by making it literal!!
  9. Bondage – I used to work for the military, so it would just remind me of a hostage situation.
  10. Married Men – UGH!!  Been cheated on TOO MANY TIMES to want to BE the “other woman”!!
  11. No Strings – Well, unless it’s tied around a pork tenderloin that you’re cooking for our first date.
  12. Role Playing – “I’m, the Mary…You’re the Rhoda”…really, who needs the confusion??
  13. Straight/Bi – Honestly guys…shit or get off the pot!!!
  14. Dad/Son – No thanks.  I’ve been through enough therapy and FOUND my “happy place”!!
  15. Group Sex – I’m too bendy and afraid we’d all end up in some weird nekkid knot!!
  16. Pig Play – I don’t know WHAT this is…but it don’t EVEN sound like fun to me!!!
  17. Rough – I’m Italian…one wrong or rough move and you’ll be wearing concrete Prada shoes!!!

I’m pretty sure there are more things out there that I’m not “into”, so I reserve the right to expand on this list at any time.

And if there’s one thing I AM “into”, it’s telling people what I’m NOT “into”!!


Posted in Just For Fun, LGBT, Life, Our Writings | 1 Comment »

I Will Wear No Mask This Year

Posted by Daniel on October 29, 2010

Happy Halloween/Unhappy Anniversary

This Sunday, on what will be my first anniversary SINGLE, I will wear no masks.

Halloween has always been my favorite holiday of the year…but that ended last year.

Halloween also WAS mine and Seth’s anniversary.  No more.  Now, it only serves to depress rather than delight.

I made a promise to myself that, though this will be my first without him, I will still make with the merry and mirth.

There is, however, no costume or mask that will be able to hide my sorrow.

Instead, I will do what I’ve become very good at over the past year…

I will “paint” on the smile and cover myself in the fake goofy demeanor that I’ve been “wearing” lo these past twelve months.


Perhaps I was wrong…

Maybe that will be my costume!!

I will go out as a Stiff Upper Lip!!

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Where DO I Go From Here???

Posted by Daniel on October 26, 2010

If I had a dollar every time I've said this in the past year....

Here’s a question I’ve been asking myself for almost a year now…”What the hell do I do with me now?”

Ever since I found out that the person I thought was my lover had been telling all of those he’d been cheating with that we had broken up “a long time ago”, I’ve had that question running through my head non-stop…day in and day out.  And there has been no end to those who are more than happy to tell me what to do next…including and especially him!!

Everyone Else:  “Just forget him!!  He’s a cheater and he lied to you about it for a YEAR!!  Forget him!!”

Him:  “I can’t explain what happened other than it had NOTHING to do with you.  Just try to pick yourself up and everything will be okay.”

Why is it always so damned easy for everyone (again, especially him) to dole out such sage advice when (well, except for him) they have all been treated this exact same way at one time or another in their lives.  C’mon people, I know you all remember what it’s like trying to pick yourself up, fill in that painful void in your chest where the heart they owned USED to be and then just move on as if what you thought was the most important part of your life waves goodbye sitting alongside his new “whatever”.   You felt used, betrayed, suddenly empty and mocked BY those who cast you aside for, again, “whatever”.

So my “healing time” has been, shall we say…slow and clumsy.  You know what I mean when I say nothing would please me more than to NOT think one happy thought about him!!  I’d kill to forget every laugh, smile, special moment, etc. that I EVER had with him!! If, for no other reason, to have those chunks of my heart back FROM him.

All of that will come in time.  And stop rolling your eyes, because you ALL know where I’m coming from.  You can be the most cold-hearted bitch in the WORLD, but everyone can relate to losing what probably WAS the love of your life!!  It’s hard.  It sucks!!  And, as in my case, it happened with not ONE SINGLE warning or clue…until his cheating became painfully obvious and he started tripping over the dozens of lies he was telling just to keep the shade pulled down.

There’s something my estranged father used to say to all of us kids as we were growing up that has, to this day, stuck with me all my life…

“Telling the truth is always easier.  If you lie, you’ll have to tell ten more just to get out of that one.”

I’ve always lived my life by that, and believe me, if you knew my history with my dad, you’d be surprised I remember ANYTHING he ever said!!

Okay, all of the above drivel being said, this brings me to where I am right now.  I hate the place I am now.  By that I mean the state of mind I’m in, as well as the state of being.

I’ll put a label on it…LIMBO.

Ever since Seth started down the road he’s currently on (which was a brand new life with someone he obviously loves FOR REAL), he put MY life on hold.  And it’s been there ever since.  Oh, I suppose I could have just kicked his cheating ass to the curb long ago as so many of you suggested (repeatedly)…but there were so many other variables to consider that that option was, at the very least, not possible.

Now it’s a year later and we are finally physically separated…completely.

This is where the Limbo part comes in.

I’ve been wanting to get away from California since the day I found out what it had turned Seth into.  Believe me when I say, watching Dr. Jekyll turn into Mr. Hyde is by no means a memory I want to take with me, either.  It’s crazy, but there was always some tiny part of me that felt he had the capacity to be morally infected…I was, however, truly taken aback by just how fast the transformation could occur.  If I were a different person, I’d say he was ALWAYS capable of cheating and therefore I should never have been surprised when he DID.

But I know him better than that.  I know he wasn’t a cheater before.  Which is why I want to get as far from this place as I can.

It’s time I got to start my new life.  And I chose Boston.  A new start (from scratch) in a new place.  And, at the same time, there was this fella who, for all intents and purposes, had me looking forward to that new start more than even I thought I was.

So of course I was looking forward to moving East.  A chance to be more in the mentality of those like me.  Those who WILL jack up a friend when that friend is fucking around on their spouse.  Those who DO have the same rules as I do with a spouse…Don’t Cheat & Don’t Lie.  Gawd I was looking forward to being there!!

Problem is, this fella was giving himself only 48 days to find love…and thereby giving me that same 48 days to get my ass up there and show him WHAT love was!!  Well, apparently I blew that chance.  I waited too long.  I missed his deadline.

Oh, it’s not as though I didn’t want to be there…but you all know how it is after being dumped out of a relationship…there’s still all of the logistical and financial crap that you have to fix.  And in doing so, you end up spending even more money trying to fill in one hole.  Again, my dad’s words come back to haunt me.  Everyday, I try to get myself just a little further ahead (or caught up, as it were) so that I could get my ass to MA as quickly as possible.

But that opportunity closed on me.  John said (well by his silence, anyways) “you waited too long.  You lose.”

Soooo…now what?

Do I stay here in Fresno?  Or do I find SOME way to get my ass to Boston to ride the winds of fate?  Can I really do what so many immigrants have done in the past…?

“I came here with only eight dollars in my pocket and nothing else but my name.  Now look at me!!  I am happy and doing WELL!!”

Can I be just as lucky?  Could I just (as has been suggested rather matter-of-factly over and over again) pack up the truck and haul ass to the East Coast and leave everything else – especially the memories – behind?

We’ll see.

To be continued…

Posted in Life | 1 Comment »

Ann Coulter Serves Up A Yellow Brick Load

Posted by Daniel on October 11, 2010


Anybody Got A Bucket Of Water???


The following can only be placed in the WTF category.  (My alternate title was going to be “And The Gays Got Yellow Brick Hoe’d!!”)

I’m reading the Sunday NYT and right there smack dab on the front of the Styles section, I see it…

Ann Coulter is now allowing herself to be billed as the “Right-Wing Judy Garland”?  I smell another shitty pop-up book coming out soon.

Last weekend, the queen of the Neocons met the queens of the Homocon in a surreal event in New York City.

Why else would the group GOProud invited Ann Coulter to speak to them. This is the same Ann Coulter who called John Edwards a “faggot.” The same Ann Coulter who claims she has “never failed to talk a gay out of gay marriage.”

The same Ann Coulter who the event organizers called “the right-wing Judy Garland.”

From reports by those in attendance, Coulter delivered less of a speech and more of a stand-up routine. Now I have no problem with comedians – even bad ones –  but her show consisted of gays being the punch line of every joke, not including the jokes she directed at black people.

Imagine if you were standing in a group of LGBT people listening to and laughing at a straight woman tossing off one liners like, “Marriage is not a civil right. You’re not black!”  My understanding is that this resulted in quite a rousing applause.

She continued her routine with remarks about why gays and abortion foes should band together, “as soon as they find the gay gene, you know who’s getting aborted!”

I read on and am again left astounded at the strangeness of these self-proclaimed conservative gays who apparently feel that chumming around with Ann was worth weathering the insults she spewed.  It makes me wonder what the hell they PAID her to speak/insult them!!

These folk, and there were only about 150 of them, claim they focus on “federal issues” rather than “state issues like marriage.”

This stirs up echoes of 1950s white Southerner’s talking about “states rights” when they really meant retaining Jim Crow laws.

What these alleged gay conservatives miss is that to the GOP we are just a punch line.

LGBT Americans are not a group of citizens struggling against discrimination, they are just funny fags who can be so amusing and do a fabulous job decorating and styling hair.

To tell a group of LGBT people that civil rights are the sole property of racial minorities is outrageous, but for that same group to actually stand and pay some blonde bimbo to say it while clinking champagne glasses and making chitchat is appalling.

Suddenly I’m not so disgusted by the Log Cabin Republicans.  This HomoCon group truly DOES turn my stomach!!

I imagine that there will be lots of apologists for this strange event.  They will say that many people misunderstood the intention of the event; it was “to start a dialogue”… etc.

But a dialogue has to have some kind of give and take.  It is not just someone talking and another person waiting to talk.

Perhaps there is some common ground for Coulter and her adoring Homocons (and why have I NEVER heard of THESE Homos??) in the fiscal responsibility I hear touted by the Republicans.   But isn’t it funny that she decided to go for gay jokes instead of substance?

There will also be those who defend the Homocons by pointing to the Democratic Party and saying, “Hey, what have you done for LGBT people?”

To them I would honestly say this, “Not enough!”

Still, at least with the Democratic Party, we are part of a real conversation, and we are not thought of as punch lines.  We are not limited to the sidelines and asked to passively stand by while we are insulted and demeaned.

And as to the reference to Judy Garland? Well, for those old enough to remember Miss Garland, whose silver screen performances I still remember fondly,  she was a tortured and sad woman who struggled with drug dependency and emotional ups and downs wilder than any rollercoaster. I suspect a lot of gay men admired her ability to persevere in spite of her problems and let her talent soar.

She was both brilliant and sad but she was bursting with enough talent to transcend the struggle and whisk audiences away over her own personal rainbow.

Ann Coulter, on the other hand, may have charmed the self-loathing Homocons with her snappy quips and tasteless attempts at humor, but for me she would be much better cast as the Wicked Witch of the East.

Now, would someone please drop a WHITEhouse on her?

Posted in LGBT, Media Matters, Politics, Today's Rant | Leave a Comment »

I Believe It’s Time For Me To Fly

Posted by Daniel on October 3, 2010

My Turn To Fly

It’s funny how life just tends to slip right by you at such a rate that makes you sometimes stop and say, “Wait, what the hell just happened and where did the time go?!?”

This has, for the most part, been the past calendar year for me.  Actually, it’s been a bit longer than that, but we won’t quibble over a week here or month there.

In that year so much has changed…in my darker moments, that change has seemed unbearable.  There were even two instances where I considered “ending it”.  I’m very ashamed to admit that because I am NOT prone to thinking like that.  Fortunately, I have had time to evaluate all that has happened and I now know it wasn’t my fault…it wasn’t my failure as a person.

Funny thing about being dumped by someone who continues to profess their love, it slowly robs you of your dignity and self-worth.  I say it’s funny because it always seems the dumpee loses more – if not everything – than the dumper.  You get stuck with all the responsibility, all the financial overhead and all of the suffering and trauma.  On the other hand, the dumper already has a new life set up and has had all that time to hit the ground running.

In a way, I truly hope this past dumper gets everything he gave, as he will never truly understand just HOW much torture he is capable of inflicting UNTIL he goes through it himself.

But this post isn’t going to be all about him, as such.  I intend to write about THAT in great detail later and I’m going to do it in the style of a “How-To” manual on how to recognize (and act upon) the signs that the one you love is working to take your world and your life away.

One thing I’ve noticed during this Summer of “healing” is that I was forcing myself to make changes in my personality and lifestyle that are SO out of my comfort zone.  Mostly because I am not wired that way.  I don’t sleep around.  I’ve never met someone just to “hook-up”.  I’ve never even dated so much in my entire life.  Yet over the past three months, I found myself doing exactly that.  Internet dating sites…apps on my iPhone…ads on Craigslist…you name it, I’ve been there – tried that.  All in an effort to force the one who left me out of my system.  All simply to brainwash myself into thinking I wasn’t still hung up of the one who wronged me.  In short, I was attempting to live MY life the same way he had been doing the last year we were supposedly together.  I blindly convinced myself that if I adopted his lifestyle, his lack of morals and his “who cares?” attitude, then I should certainly be able to get over it all and move on just as fast and easily as he did.

I was so very wrong.  And the guilt of knowing what I tried to do pained me in such a way as to make me consider killing myself.  And THAT was the final change about me that truly opened my eyes to what I’d become…because of someone I loved who had hurt me in every way possible.

It occurred to me that I had, indeed, changed into someone else (so I succeeded in being like him there) and I didn’t like the mirror being help up to me.  Tee final straw was sitting across the table at lunch with a dear friend.  We were talking about a great many things, most of which was about the break-up and ensuing hardships I had to endure.  At some point he just looked right at me, paused, then told me that he could see in my eyes that I must be the saddest person in the world.  I never expected that, as I’d become pretty good at masking all of my emotions and painting on the biggest smile possible.  When he said that, however, I broke down right then and there.  He had pushed away the very last piece of “strength” I deluded myself into thinking I had.

This was, to say the least, a huge wake-up call.

It was just the slap in the face I needed to snap me out of the dense fog of denial I was apparently wandering around in for months.

So I began reassessing my life, such that it is, and how and where I want to be when I put it all back together.  One thing I was utterly sure of was that I didn’t want to start over here in California.  I could move to San Francisco or LA, but that just didn’t seem far enough away from all the sadness and pain.  Not to mention I hate LA and as much as I love San Fran, it would just seem too cliche.  Honestly, I don’t know if I’ll EVER be able to think of California without remembering how it represents so much pain and loss.  Then I thought of moving back to Kansas City, MO.  As much as I love that city and the people there, it would only seem like tucking tail and running back.  Dallas?  Been there, done that.  Was VERY tempted to move to Savannah, GA.  I love that city and TRULY love the atmosphere and slower pace.  Didn’t pan out.

So I thought about it and, for reasons known only to me and two other people (one VERY important person there…one here), decided it was going to be Boston, MA…(possibly the Andover area further North…but I doubt I could be that lucky).

Why Boston?  I have heard EVERY reason not to move there…from the higher cost of living; the fact that due to my ex, I will be starting out at the bottom with very little; that the cold winters will make me miserable; that I will be thirty-five hundred miles from family; and that, due to my age, starting over is going to be far more risky and difficult.

Valid points, all…and all of these I’ve given extensive and painful consideration.  Anyone who thinks I haven’t thought enough about this decision or am simply running away from the one who hurt me would be wrong…no matter how right you are to think it.

Bottom line is that I have made this decision.  I plan to stick to it.  I plan to succeed in it.

I want to be happy again.  I want the humor that comes out of me to be real and unforced.  I want to live.

And Massachusetts is where I want to start that new life.

To be honest, I’m a little terrified of this move.  After all, I’m doing it alone.  But in a way, I’ve been doing it alone for over a year now and I guess it’s just time I changed the geography a little.    So even though I’m scared of what will happen there, I’m still excited because I feel that I’ve EARNED this chance.  No matter how it turns out, it’s MY life and I get to finally call the shots.  I am not in any way romanticizing this upcoming chapter of my life.  I know the risks and am ready to face them.

I have Seth to thank for that.

Recently a relative asked me if I was just doing all of this for some guy…either to run AWAY from the guy here or running TO someone there.

I am man and honest enough to admit the following:

  • I am moving to MA to start a new life…period.  I don’t want to jinx the rest by blurting out too much extra info, but I will say that it will have been worth 48-days.

Hearing from everyone so far, I’ve gotten the rainbow of opinions regarding my decision.  Some respect my need for a complete change to coincide with my complete life change.  Others are a little ticked off that I’m leaving…they’ve actually not given a specific reason.  And then there are many who are just plain pissed off.  Mostly because nothing I say to them clarifies why I shouldn’t stay here.  In their mind, at least.  To them I say I am sorry for how you feel.  I wish I could express in a better way the way I’ve processed it all in my head.  I’ve tried many times with you and I just had to give up on explaining because all it was doing was making you more angry.  I can’t help that you feel I’m being childish.  But I also can’t help but notice that you don’t seem to have a problem with me moving 2 1/2 – 4 hours away.  You do, however have a problem with the greater distance.  All of your other arguments about cost of living, knowing people there, leaving here, and all the rest seem moot when those same variables apply to SF and LA.

Bottom line, I’m NOT moving across the country for all the wrong reasons.  I’m moving for EVER reason.

As I’ve said before…

I am terrified of this great leap Eastward all alone!! But I’d rather take a scary step into the great unknown than to continue living here with everything I DO know!!

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