The Tempest Online™

~ Sic gorgiamus allos subjectatos nunc. ~

I Believe It’s Time For Me To Fly

Posted by Daniel on October 3, 2010

My Turn To Fly

It’s funny how life just tends to slip right by you at such a rate that makes you sometimes stop and say, “Wait, what the hell just happened and where did the time go?!?”

This has, for the most part, been the past calendar year for me.  Actually, it’s been a bit longer than that, but we won’t quibble over a week here or month there.

In that year so much has changed…in my darker moments, that change has seemed unbearable.  There were even two instances where I considered “ending it”.  I’m very ashamed to admit that because I am NOT prone to thinking like that.  Fortunately, I have had time to evaluate all that has happened and I now know it wasn’t my fault…it wasn’t my failure as a person.

Funny thing about being dumped by someone who continues to profess their love, it slowly robs you of your dignity and self-worth.  I say it’s funny because it always seems the dumpee loses more – if not everything – than the dumper.  You get stuck with all the responsibility, all the financial overhead and all of the suffering and trauma.  On the other hand, the dumper already has a new life set up and has had all that time to hit the ground running.

In a way, I truly hope this past dumper gets everything he gave, as he will never truly understand just HOW much torture he is capable of inflicting UNTIL he goes through it himself.

But this post isn’t going to be all about him, as such.  I intend to write about THAT in great detail later and I’m going to do it in the style of a “How-To” manual on how to recognize (and act upon) the signs that the one you love is working to take your world and your life away.

One thing I’ve noticed during this Summer of “healing” is that I was forcing myself to make changes in my personality and lifestyle that are SO out of my comfort zone.  Mostly because I am not wired that way.  I don’t sleep around.  I’ve never met someone just to “hook-up”.  I’ve never even dated so much in my entire life.  Yet over the past three months, I found myself doing exactly that.  Internet dating sites…apps on my iPhone…ads on Craigslist…you name it, I’ve been there – tried that.  All in an effort to force the one who left me out of my system.  All simply to brainwash myself into thinking I wasn’t still hung up of the one who wronged me.  In short, I was attempting to live MY life the same way he had been doing the last year we were supposedly together.  I blindly convinced myself that if I adopted his lifestyle, his lack of morals and his “who cares?” attitude, then I should certainly be able to get over it all and move on just as fast and easily as he did.

I was so very wrong.  And the guilt of knowing what I tried to do pained me in such a way as to make me consider killing myself.  And THAT was the final change about me that truly opened my eyes to what I’d become…because of someone I loved who had hurt me in every way possible.

It occurred to me that I had, indeed, changed into someone else (so I succeeded in being like him there) and I didn’t like the mirror being help up to me.  Tee final straw was sitting across the table at lunch with a dear friend.  We were talking about a great many things, most of which was about the break-up and ensuing hardships I had to endure.  At some point he just looked right at me, paused, then told me that he could see in my eyes that I must be the saddest person in the world.  I never expected that, as I’d become pretty good at masking all of my emotions and painting on the biggest smile possible.  When he said that, however, I broke down right then and there.  He had pushed away the very last piece of “strength” I deluded myself into thinking I had.

This was, to say the least, a huge wake-up call.

It was just the slap in the face I needed to snap me out of the dense fog of denial I was apparently wandering around in for months.

So I began reassessing my life, such that it is, and how and where I want to be when I put it all back together.  One thing I was utterly sure of was that I didn’t want to start over here in California.  I could move to San Francisco or LA, but that just didn’t seem far enough away from all the sadness and pain.  Not to mention I hate LA and as much as I love San Fran, it would just seem too cliche.  Honestly, I don’t know if I’ll EVER be able to think of California without remembering how it represents so much pain and loss.  Then I thought of moving back to Kansas City, MO.  As much as I love that city and the people there, it would only seem like tucking tail and running back.  Dallas?  Been there, done that.  Was VERY tempted to move to Savannah, GA.  I love that city and TRULY love the atmosphere and slower pace.  Didn’t pan out.

So I thought about it and, for reasons known only to me and two other people (one VERY important person there…one here), decided it was going to be Boston, MA…(possibly the Andover area further North…but I doubt I could be that lucky).

Why Boston?  I have heard EVERY reason not to move there…from the higher cost of living; the fact that due to my ex, I will be starting out at the bottom with very little; that the cold winters will make me miserable; that I will be thirty-five hundred miles from family; and that, due to my age, starting over is going to be far more risky and difficult.

Valid points, all…and all of these I’ve given extensive and painful consideration.  Anyone who thinks I haven’t thought enough about this decision or am simply running away from the one who hurt me would be wrong…no matter how right you are to think it.

Bottom line is that I have made this decision.  I plan to stick to it.  I plan to succeed in it.

I want to be happy again.  I want the humor that comes out of me to be real and unforced.  I want to live.

And Massachusetts is where I want to start that new life.

To be honest, I’m a little terrified of this move.  After all, I’m doing it alone.  But in a way, I’ve been doing it alone for over a year now and I guess it’s just time I changed the geography a little.    So even though I’m scared of what will happen there, I’m still excited because I feel that I’ve EARNED this chance.  No matter how it turns out, it’s MY life and I get to finally call the shots.  I am not in any way romanticizing this upcoming chapter of my life.  I know the risks and am ready to face them.

I have Seth to thank for that.

Recently a relative asked me if I was just doing all of this for some guy…either to run AWAY from the guy here or running TO someone there.

I am man and honest enough to admit the following:

  • I am moving to MA to start a new life…period.  I don’t want to jinx the rest by blurting out too much extra info, but I will say that it will have been worth 48-days.

Hearing from everyone so far, I’ve gotten the rainbow of opinions regarding my decision.  Some respect my need for a complete change to coincide with my complete life change.  Others are a little ticked off that I’m leaving…they’ve actually not given a specific reason.  And then there are many who are just plain pissed off.  Mostly because nothing I say to them clarifies why I shouldn’t stay here.  In their mind, at least.  To them I say I am sorry for how you feel.  I wish I could express in a better way the way I’ve processed it all in my head.  I’ve tried many times with you and I just had to give up on explaining because all it was doing was making you more angry.  I can’t help that you feel I’m being childish.  But I also can’t help but notice that you don’t seem to have a problem with me moving 2 1/2 – 4 hours away.  You do, however have a problem with the greater distance.  All of your other arguments about cost of living, knowing people there, leaving here, and all the rest seem moot when those same variables apply to SF and LA.

Bottom line, I’m NOT moving across the country for all the wrong reasons.  I’m moving for EVER reason.

As I’ve said before…

I am terrified of this great leap Eastward all alone!! But I’d rather take a scary step into the great unknown than to continue living here with everything I DO know!!

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