The Tempest Online™

~ Sic gorgiamus allos subjectatos nunc. ~

Where DO I Go From Here???

Posted by Daniel on October 26, 2010

If I had a dollar every time I've said this in the past year....

Here’s a question I’ve been asking myself for almost a year now…”What the hell do I do with me now?”

Ever since I found out that the person I thought was my lover had been telling all of those he’d been cheating with that we had broken up “a long time ago”, I’ve had that question running through my head non-stop…day in and day out.  And there has been no end to those who are more than happy to tell me what to do next…including and especially him!!

Everyone Else:  “Just forget him!!  He’s a cheater and he lied to you about it for a YEAR!!  Forget him!!”

Him:  “I can’t explain what happened other than it had NOTHING to do with you.  Just try to pick yourself up and everything will be okay.”

Why is it always so damned easy for everyone (again, especially him) to dole out such sage advice when (well, except for him) they have all been treated this exact same way at one time or another in their lives.  C’mon people, I know you all remember what it’s like trying to pick yourself up, fill in that painful void in your chest where the heart they owned USED to be and then just move on as if what you thought was the most important part of your life waves goodbye sitting alongside his new “whatever”.   You felt used, betrayed, suddenly empty and mocked BY those who cast you aside for, again, “whatever”.

So my “healing time” has been, shall we say…slow and clumsy.  You know what I mean when I say nothing would please me more than to NOT think one happy thought about him!!  I’d kill to forget every laugh, smile, special moment, etc. that I EVER had with him!! If, for no other reason, to have those chunks of my heart back FROM him.

All of that will come in time.  And stop rolling your eyes, because you ALL know where I’m coming from.  You can be the most cold-hearted bitch in the WORLD, but everyone can relate to losing what probably WAS the love of your life!!  It’s hard.  It sucks!!  And, as in my case, it happened with not ONE SINGLE warning or clue…until his cheating became painfully obvious and he started tripping over the dozens of lies he was telling just to keep the shade pulled down.

There’s something my estranged father used to say to all of us kids as we were growing up that has, to this day, stuck with me all my life…

“Telling the truth is always easier.  If you lie, you’ll have to tell ten more just to get out of that one.”

I’ve always lived my life by that, and believe me, if you knew my history with my dad, you’d be surprised I remember ANYTHING he ever said!!

Okay, all of the above drivel being said, this brings me to where I am right now.  I hate the place I am now.  By that I mean the state of mind I’m in, as well as the state of being.

I’ll put a label on it…LIMBO.

Ever since Seth started down the road he’s currently on (which was a brand new life with someone he obviously loves FOR REAL), he put MY life on hold.  And it’s been there ever since.  Oh, I suppose I could have just kicked his cheating ass to the curb long ago as so many of you suggested (repeatedly)…but there were so many other variables to consider that that option was, at the very least, not possible.

Now it’s a year later and we are finally physically separated…completely.

This is where the Limbo part comes in.

I’ve been wanting to get away from California since the day I found out what it had turned Seth into.  Believe me when I say, watching Dr. Jekyll turn into Mr. Hyde is by no means a memory I want to take with me, either.  It’s crazy, but there was always some tiny part of me that felt he had the capacity to be morally infected…I was, however, truly taken aback by just how fast the transformation could occur.  If I were a different person, I’d say he was ALWAYS capable of cheating and therefore I should never have been surprised when he DID.

But I know him better than that.  I know he wasn’t a cheater before.  Which is why I want to get as far from this place as I can.

It’s time I got to start my new life.  And I chose Boston.  A new start (from scratch) in a new place.  And, at the same time, there was this fella who, for all intents and purposes, had me looking forward to that new start more than even I thought I was.

So of course I was looking forward to moving East.  A chance to be more in the mentality of those like me.  Those who WILL jack up a friend when that friend is fucking around on their spouse.  Those who DO have the same rules as I do with a spouse…Don’t Cheat & Don’t Lie.  Gawd I was looking forward to being there!!

Problem is, this fella was giving himself only 48 days to find love…and thereby giving me that same 48 days to get my ass up there and show him WHAT love was!!  Well, apparently I blew that chance.  I waited too long.  I missed his deadline.

Oh, it’s not as though I didn’t want to be there…but you all know how it is after being dumped out of a relationship…there’s still all of the logistical and financial crap that you have to fix.  And in doing so, you end up spending even more money trying to fill in one hole.  Again, my dad’s words come back to haunt me.  Everyday, I try to get myself just a little further ahead (or caught up, as it were) so that I could get my ass to MA as quickly as possible.

But that opportunity closed on me.  John said (well by his silence, anyways) “you waited too long.  You lose.”

Soooo…now what?

Do I stay here in Fresno?  Or do I find SOME way to get my ass to Boston to ride the winds of fate?  Can I really do what so many immigrants have done in the past…?

“I came here with only eight dollars in my pocket and nothing else but my name.  Now look at me!!  I am happy and doing WELL!!”

Can I be just as lucky?  Could I just (as has been suggested rather matter-of-factly over and over again) pack up the truck and haul ass to the East Coast and leave everything else – especially the memories – behind?

We’ll see.

To be continued…

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One Response to “Where DO I Go From Here???”

  1. Brian said

    Personally, I think you should just take a shower. Your hair smells like coffee and scones.

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