The Tempest Online™

~ Sic gorgiamus allos subjectatos nunc. ~

This Is Single Life???

Posted by Daniel on October 30, 2010

As if my attitude didn't say it for me...

Since I was forced to be single by my ever-cheating EX, I’ve become somewhat familiar with a new vernacular…”Dating Site Lingo”.

It’s been a long time since I was single, and I guess things really have changed over the years.  Being what some would call “old school”, I was completely unaware of how to answer certain questions.  The most often asked is, “So, what are you into?”

Into?

Until recently, I would have answered that thusly:

“Well, I love gardening, spending time with my dog, loving my man, hiking, travel, cozy nights in front of the fire, good books, wine and music……”

Who knew that was the answer NO ONE was looking for???  Besides, how many of us say “cozy nights in front of the fire” and most of us don’t even have a fireplace?!

Now when they ask what you’re into on those dating sites (as well as in person when they’re ballsy enough) they mean something entirely different!!

The following is a list of options they are referring to and my subsequent rubber-stamp answer:

  • By the way, the following list is rather graphic, so if you DON’T want to know these things (which, by the way, are not JUST in the gay culture, but just as prevalent in the hetro world…if not more so.)  So don’t say you weren’t warned.
  1. Leather – I’m too short to pull off wearing this stuff…I’d look like some freaky saddle!!
  2. Fisting – I’m too old to wear diapers and too young to want to wear adult diapers.
  3. P&P – No “poppers” for me…but if they could put the sweet smell of a good man into a bottle, THEN count me in!!
  4. Porn – Why would I want to watch OTHER people having more fun than I am?!?!
  5. Voyeurism – If I wanted other people to watch, I’d be IN porn!!
  6. Slings – It’d just ruin my fond childhood memories of the playground.
  7. Toys – Not unless they can come up with a dildo that can also transform into a car or an airplane!!
  8. Watersports – I’ve been pissed on by “the man” all my life (especially the cheaters)…let’s not make it THAT vivid by making it literal!!
  9. Bondage – I used to work for the military, so it would just remind me of a hostage situation.
  10. Married Men – UGH!!  Been cheated on TOO MANY TIMES to want to BE the “other woman”!!
  11. No Strings – Well, unless it’s tied around a pork tenderloin that you’re cooking for our first date.
  12. Role Playing – “I’m, the Mary…You’re the Rhoda”…really, who needs the confusion??
  13. Straight/Bi – Honestly guys…shit or get off the pot!!!
  14. Dad/Son – No thanks.  I’ve been through enough therapy and FOUND my “happy place”!!
  15. Group Sex – I’m too bendy and afraid we’d all end up in some weird nekkid knot!!
  16. Pig Play – I don’t know WHAT this is…but it don’t EVEN sound like fun to me!!!
  17. Rough – I’m Italian…one wrong or rough move and you’ll be wearing concrete Prada shoes!!!

I’m pretty sure there are more things out there that I’m not “into”, so I reserve the right to expand on this list at any time.

And if there’s one thing I AM “into”, it’s telling people what I’m NOT “into”!!

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One Response to “This Is Single Life???”

  1. jake said

    jake…

    excelent post, keep it coming…

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