The Tempest Online™

~ Sic gorgiamus allos subjectatos nunc. ~

It’s Not Me…It’s You

Posted by Daniel on December 4, 2010

Putting The Vibes Out There

It's not like I'm NOT thinking happy thoughts...!!

I’m tired of trying to convince people that I am, in fact, in complete control of my mind and my heart.

Seth is gone, people!!  Outta here!!  So let’s all move the fuck on about it, okay??

All I want is to be able to move FORWARD with what little life he left me, but that is the extent of his influence…

He left me with shit and I have to turn that into gold…or at the very least, copper.

But – and I’m going to say this here, so if he IS reading it, he’ll know what you know – he never let my feelings get in HIS way of starting a new life…so why the hell should I consider his feelings for mine??

And that’s the point I’ve been trying to make to everyone who seems hell-bent on telling me how I feel.

The way I FEEL now is “good”.  The person I “feel” good about is NOT Seth!!

And another thing…please stop trying to tell me that it’s “too soon after Seth to have real feelings” for someone!!!  How the HELL would you know that??  Let me tell ALL of you…I’ve had OVER a year and a half (almost 2 years) to get over him…because that’s about how long ago he fucking dumped me!!!  Just because I’m finishing up the fucking “divorce” process NOW (again, because he walked away a LONG time ago and WAITED to tell me until he was set up somewhere else) doesn’t mean I’m “not over” him.

The reason he’s even still in the conversation is because there are so many peopl out there who continue to bring him up to me!!!

Did you know Seth did this?

I knew what Seth was up to “_____” long ago!!

Do you still talk to Seth?

Seriously.  Can’t we all just fucking drop it?!?!

My FOCUS is on one person these days…his name is Travis.  He has been my focus quite honestly since the day I physically met him (day before Halloween).  He knocked my socks off almost the minute we began talking.  And this was no easy feat, considering the HUGE handicap he was under at the particular moment we met…(and he KNOWS what that was)…so factoring that in, what I’m saying now means THAT much more.

Quite honestly, I wasn’t EVEN looking for someone, really…so going out that night really was almost pointless.  But I wanted a beer and I had been talking online with this really funny, intelligent and yes…handsome…man who had earlier asked if I was going to be out that night.  I said yes.  We met. We talked.  He was drunk.  We STILL talked (he impressed me with that).  He allowed me to hold onto his eyelashes (who says chivalry is dead??).  I looked into those BEAUTIFUL brown eyes and I swear I was taken completely away.  Not to mention the fact that not only does he NOT laugh at every one of my stupid jokes…he’ll even call me on the ones that suck!!

He is, quite honestly, the first man EVER to go toe-to-toe with me on the jokes.

Now, on the other side of the coin, it’s all pretty much possibly for naught.  After spending more time talking to family and friends who all want to know details, details, details…I folded.  I suppose my mood was showing later yesterday and he noticed that on my Facebook.  He asked me to explain…I was reluctant…He insisted…So I did.

Now it’s all out there and I’m afraid I just totally fucked it all up.

Maybe we WERE supposed to only live it day-by-day.  Maybe that spark that ignited on day-one and has continued to grow over this time wasn’t meant to be explored.  Perhaps I did leave myself open to damned soon.

Nothing is as important to me as him finishing school…and because of that, plus his work plus the fact that he rarely sleeps or eats right, I worry about him.  The other night I sacrificed what could have been a wonderful night together so that he would sleep.  It was worth it to me for him to rest…it outweighed my selfish need to be with him.

It made me realize right then as I was driving home that I must really REALLY love this man.  What the hell happened?  How did Cupids’ arrow find my ass??  I thought I’d covered it pretty damned efficiently.

Apparently not.

Apparently…FOR naught.


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