The Tempest Online™

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Archive for January, 2011

2011…The Year of the White Flag

Posted by Daniel on January 1, 2011

Meet Me Half Way

It was an amazing year, 2011.

As brief as it’s been so far, I’m amazed at just how wonderful it’s been, only to watch it turn into complete shit in a span of just two hours.

I shouldn’t be terribly surprised, though.  I mean it’s hard to start a new year when you’re faced with having to fight the ghosts of years past.  And on top of that, I have to fight DAILY the insecurities of someone who is even more haunted by my past than I am!!

Here’s the bottom line on this soon-to-derail train of thought…While my ex IS out of my life and poses NO threat to anyone interested in ME, I do have to keep SOME semblance of contact with him (at least for the time being) because there ARE a few details of the divorce that we, AS ADULTS, have yet to iron out.  These are material posessions – not the least of which is the dog – that we have to settle up on.  And if I just simply turned into a gigantic asshole and cut off ALL communications with him…poof…there it all goes.

Ordinarily I’d tell anyone in the same position that it makes sense keeping at least a minimum of dialogue open so as not to screw that up.  It (as in my case) doesn’t have to be all lovie-dovie, however I’ve learned over the years that with some people if you sound like a bitter jealous bitch, chances are you’ll lose EVERYTHING.  All I’ve tried to do (hand-to-God) is keep the tone light rather than ugly.  There are no feelings there…no chance of a reconciliation EVER (c’mon people, how stupid do you really think I am???)…and no spark waiting to be reignited.  Period.

But here’s where I stand…I now have to choose between the REAL man that I love and regaining personal material objects…again, not the least of which is the dog…my baby, Kitty.  Because if I want to PROVE to Travis that he has nothing to fear from Seth, I just might have to let go of those material things.  In that way, there will BE no reason for me to remain in contact (however brief and WITHOUT ulterior motive!!) with Seth.

The shitty part is that I know Travis would NEVER tell me to make such a drastic move just for him, but I also know that he wants that so as to alleviate his deep-seeded fear of Seth coming between us.

All I want is to make him happy.  And by God if I have to walk away from those material things to keep HIM, then so be it.  He’s FAR more important to me than ANY thing.

It’s a shitty choice sometimes, but I’m looking at it as if I have a crushed arm…keep it and bleed to death?  Or cut it off so that I can live.

I choose the latter.  If Travis will have me…and HELP me…the choice becomes that simple.

Because in the final analysis, all things being equal, (and I’ve told him this before and MEANT it just as I do now)…I’d rather start off with nothing and work my way up again as long as it meant being with him.  Because he makes life worth it.

In that way, it’s not a struggle…it’s a journey.

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