The Tempest Online™

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Archive for April, 2011

We All Need A Little Help…And A Little Hag

Posted by Daniel on April 4, 2011

Dance, Bitches...Dance!!!

And Girls...Don't Fuck It Up!!!

Good morning, Internetland.  Well, as a way of getting back into the “swing” of things…(thanks, Travis, for that pithy description of how I walk), I thought I’d post the application here that some asked to see again.

I first created this when I moved from Kansas City, MO to here in Fresno, CA.  Since I didn’t know anyone but family here, it soon became obvious that we needed a hag.

Now for those of you who aren’t familiar with the concept of having a “hag”, it’s actually pretty simple.  Gay men need “girlfriends”.  It’s a social thing.  These are people we can dance with (and not have to worry about making passes at us.  But they serve far more value to us than just that.  Hags become our projects on slow days (like for instance when we just get a sudden urge to give SOMEONE a makeover!!), our confidants when love goes sour, the hand to hold when we visit difficult family members, etc.

The following is the contents of the application.  It’s all pretty straightforward.  Just fill in the blanks, answer the questions and email us a copy.  And if you’re in need of your OWN hag, let us know…we’ll be happy to screen them for you.  🙂

Hag Application
Name: _______________________________
Desired New Name (to be approved by your new GAY): _________________________
Weight: ______________
REAL Weight: ____________________________________
Age: _________________
TRUE Hair Color: __________, ____________________, _________________, & _____________
Complexion: __________________(eg.: Fair, Oily, Ashy, Yikes, yadda-yadda-yadda)
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Address: _____________________________________ (if you live with your parents, put down the pen and just walk away now)

Phone Numbers: (You MUST be reachable at ANY dramatic time)
Home:_______________ Cell:________________ Text Limit:______________
Email Address:_____________________________ Twitter Name:____________________
MySpace URL:_____________________________ Facebook:_________________________
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Current Relationship Status: (because your new GAY MUST come first)
Last Time You Had Sex: (because it WILL be the last!!)
How Do You Rate Your Looks? (remember, your new GAY is ALWAYS the pretty one)
Own Your Own Vehicle? (it must have room for people you won’t know…and wigs)
What’s Your Normal Bedtime? (your new Gay WILL require 2AM bar pick-up service)
Able To Work Alone? (at “last call” – or “dick o’clock” as I call it, that’s how you will end up)
Are You Always The Center Of Attention? (those days are GONE)
Into Clubbing? And can you DANCE??? (this is a dealbreaker!!!)
How Big Are Your Boobs? (this is very important to your Gay, as he’ll need a place to rest his cocktail, although small ones are just as funny and pettable)
Make-Up Habits…How Much & How Often? (don’t up-stage your Gay…it could be fatal)
What Importance Do You Apply To Personal Hygiene? (Irish Spring soap and duct tape do not count)
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How Sympathetic Can You Be? (this is a deal breaker)
What Is Your Credit Score? (and where is the credit card?)
Where Do You See Yourself In 10 Years? (because we don’t have a retirement plan)
How Well Do You Take Teasing? (which is Gay-Speak for the hard truth!!)
How Many Shopping Bags Can You Hold At Once? (gym membership not included)
How Many Gay Men Do You Know? (numbers, damnit…we need numbers!!!)
How Many Of Them Have You Tried To Sleep With? (we promise not to laugh)
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Do You Have A Good Sense Of Humor? (you WILL need it)
Are You Willing To Be The Brunt Of EVERY Joke? (it WILL happen)
How Well Do You Take Criticism? (and you WILL take it)
What Type Of Gay Are You Looking For And What Makes You Think YOU Deserve One? (creativity counts)
What You’ll Pay For Your Gay To LIE About Your Weight? (trust us…it’ll happen)
Willing To Relocate? How Far? How Often? (there will be pageants to go to)
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The following is a test of your math, agility and I.Q.:
Your mother just died…Your house just burnt down…You’ve discovered you over-tanned and found a dark mole…So…How fast can you get dressed, get down to the bar and pay for the next round?

If Daniel is leaving the bar at 1:15 AM and Travis is meeting him at the Denny’s 5 miles down the street and the speed limit is 35 mph, are you willing to pay for their breakfast?

When being forced to watch “Titanic” with your Gay for the zillionth time, and then an all-day shopping binge, how fast can you stand between your gay and an angry drunk when he or she’s throwing a punch?

Travis loves to dance at the clubs.  Daniel looks like he’s having a seizure and a stroke when he dances…so he doesn’t dance.  What is your dance style and are you opposed to dirty dancing?

Previous Hag Experience:
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Personal References: ( you must have a MINIMUM of 6 and NONE of them can be related to you, Lesbians, Under 18, or poking you)

I , solemnly swear and attest that the information given by me in this application is true. Only at the discretion of my new Gay may any of the above information be changed or exaggerated, and only when it damn well pleases him. I understand that any falsification – either here or found in the future – is grounds for immediate termination and public humiliation.

______________________________________________           ______________
Signature (or paw print depending on your current looks)                Date

“Hag Application ©” is copyrighted and licensed under ownership of “The Tempest Online™”. Any attempt to copy this material without prior written consent will be grounds for prosecution. Information provided on this application by the applicant that is found to be false, misleading or otherwise incorrect will result in non-consideration. We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone. No shoes, no shirt, no service. Let there be peace on Earth. Lather, rinse, repeat. Remember to always have your pets spayed or neutered. He who is without dog shit on his sneakers, take the first step on the white rug. If at first you don’t succeed, give up.  Did you know that Mars is known as the “red planet”? Short people got no reason to live. You look like my mother…I HATE my mother!!! Constipated people don’t give a shit. I just farted. A Tootsie Pop is neither a Tootsie nor a Pop…Discuss. The only good corpse is a dead corpse. I’m a Barbie Girl, in a Barbie world. My ass itches. My time is NOW!!! Careful, Heather, you might digest something. The rain is really the angels crying, probably because of something YOU did. Ten dykes on a flatbed does NOT a parade make. Gawdamn, Veronica…Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast?? Welcome to the magical world of being a future welfare mother. If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie. Oh, and once again, if you try to copy this material in ANY way, your ass will be prostituted to the fullest extent of the law!!! Thank you, we’ll be here all week…try the veal.

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