The Tempest Online™

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Archive for May, 2011

Doesn’t GOD Have A Calendar?

Posted by Daniel on May 24, 2011

Third Time's A Charm...Right Lord?

Okay, so there’s this California preacher who foretold of the world’s end only to see the appointed day pass with no extraordinarily cataclysmic event.  So now he has revised his apocalyptic prophecy, saying he was off by five months and the Earth actually will be obliterated on Oct. 21.  Great, I just unpacked and now I have to repack in five months??  I have to say that my better half and I were quite disappointed because we’ve been looking so forward to a nice trip and then bam…nothing.  So we just did the next best thing to ascending to Heaven…we went shopping at Riverpark.

Harold Camping, the John Smith wanna-be who predicted that 200 million Christians would be taken to heaven Saturday before catastrophe struck the planet, apologized for not having the dates “worked out as accurately as I could have.”  All that money and he can’t afford the calendar app for his isaiahPhone?

He spoke to the media at the Oakland headquarters of his Family Radio International, which spent millions of dollars – some of it from donations made by followers – on more than 5,000 billboards and 20 RVs plastered with the Judgment Day message.

It was not the first time Camping was forced to explain when his prediction didn’t come to pass. The 89-year-old retired civil engineer also prophesied that the Apocalypse would come in 1994, but said later that didn’t happen then because of yet another mathematical error.

Through chatting with a friend over what he acknowledged was a very difficult weekend, it dawned on him that instead of the biblical Rapture in which the faithful would be swept up to the heavens, May 21 had instead been a “spiritual” Judgment Day, which places the entire world under Christ’s judgment, he said…as if we weren’t under a big enough magnifying glass held by Washington.

The globe will be completely destroyed in five months, he said, when the apocalypse comes. But because God’s judgment and salvation were completed on Saturday, there’s no point in continuing to warn people about it, so his network will now just play uplifting Christian music and Veggie-Tales programs until the final end on Oct. 21.  

Ooops...False Alarm...Everyone Go Back To Your Lives And We'll Catch You In October!!!

“We’ve always said May 21 was the day, but we didn’t understand altogether the spiritual meaning,” he said. “The fact is there is only one kind of people who will ascend into heaven … if God has saved them they’re going to be caught up.”  I’m assuming it’s those with better timing and a more accurate calendar.

Josh Ocasion, who works the teleprompter during Camping’s live broadcasts in the group’s threadbare studio sandwiched between an auto shop and a palm reader’s business, said he enjoyed the production work but never fully believed the May 21 prophecy would come true.

“I thought he would show some more human decency in admitting he made a mistake,” he said Monday. “We didn’t really see that.”

Follower Jeff Hopkins said he spent a good deal of his own retirement savings on gas money to power his car so people would see its ominous lighted sign showcasing Camping’s May 21 warning. As the appointed day drew nearer, Hopkins started making the 100-mile round trip from Long Island to New York City twice a day, spending at least $15 on gas each trip.

“I’ve been mocked and scoffed and cursed at and I’ve been through a lot with this lighted sign on top of my car,” said Hopkins, 52, a former television producer who lives in Great River, NY. “I was doing what I’ve been instructed to do through the Bible, but now I’ve been stymied. It’s like getting slapped in the face.”

Camping’s hands shook slightly as he pinned his microphone to his lapel, and as he clutched a worn Bible he spoke in a quivery monotone about some listeners’ earthly concerns after giving away possessions in expectation of the Rapture.

Family Radio would never tell anyone what they should do with their belongings, and those who had fewer would cope, Camping said.

“We’re not in the business of financial advice,” he said. “We’re in the business of telling people there’s someone who you can maybe talk to, maybe pray to, and that’s God.”  Asked whether God had given solid confirmation to the date of Rapture and also the mathematical formula with which he kept coming up with these dates, Camping looked at his Rolex watch and then patted his tattered Bible.

Then he said that he wouldn’t give away any of his possessions ahead of Oct 21.

“I still have to live in a house, I still have to drive a car,” he said. “What would be the value of that? If it is Judgment Day why would I give it away?”

Posted in Bad Advice Meant Well, Religion, WTF??? | Leave a Comment »

The De-Evolution of America

Posted by Daniel on May 23, 2011

One more post to file into the “I’m Always Right” category.  Still, I can’t help but wonder why the Republicans, Tea Party, Conservatives and Hypocritical Religious groups are making this all so easy these days.

WHORE-A GAMI

Let’s back up a little first.  About ten years ago I began my own little conspiracy.  There was something wafting in the air that could only, I assume, be detected by myself and the few other true political bloodhounds.  The faint scent of Right-Wing Holier-Than-Thou moxie was drifting past our nostrils and a red light went on in our heads.

Something was coming.

Things were about to change.

The Right Wing was huddling up, planning a kegger and America was wearing a cheerleaders’ outfit.

It has long been my belief that Republicans were mapping out the complete destruction of every good political change since the Amancipation Proclaimation.  More to the point, not only did I simply believe this to be true, but over the years I’ve had help proving my theory…and by some of the most unlikely allies I could have ever imagined.  I’ll thank them at the end of this post in the Credits section.

So here is my conspiracy theory:

Rich white men want to turn back time so that they can recreate the two-party system…Rich & Poor.

Fuck The Poor, Precious!!!

In other words, they want to kill (yes, I said the word kill) off the middle class.  How else do you explain the Right Wings’ concerted effort to do away with Medicare, Social Security and also force everyone to purchase the most expensive – and all-too-often – unusable insurance policies?


Lining the pockets of the rich at the expense of the middle class and poor is the oldest sin in my opinion.  The sad fact is – and there is no pleasant way of saying this – until those generations that were raised on material needs and “the American dream” die off, we may never evolve towards a truly agrarian society.  It is, in fact, 
because we are so money-driven that any form of non-monetary society is out of the reach of the human species.  We simply can’t imagine life without the means of buying/having more things.   As is the normal daily case, there are far too many of us who want nothing more than to maintain the status quo.

People are still paying ever-increasing prices for gas/oil, yet Republicans push every congressional session for more subsidies for the oil companies.  State and Federal Republicans lobby to end the bargaining rights of everyday workers, cut their pay, off-shore jobs to other countries, lobby to privatize Social Security and keep the minimum wage down to the poverty level, etc.  All the while giving themselves an annual pay raise, enjoying premium tax dollar-paid healthcare (for life) and are wined and dined by lobbyists who represent the very companies who they still insist deserve even more tax breaks.


The avarice is obscene.  The hypocrisy is so palpable it actually has a smell.

By the way, it’s not that these claims are unsubstantiated…one need only watch the daily news to see the facts. 

Yet we wonder every day, “How the hell do these assholes keep getting elected?!?!”  The answer is going to seem a little mean to you, but when you sit back and think about it, you’ll see I’m right.

...And I slept with your Toaster Oven!!!

Americans scare easily, and Republicans figured this out during the McCarthy era.  Don’t believe me?  Mention the words “robots and Social Security” in the same sentence to old people and watch them crash their motorized chairs into a wall out of sheer panic.  the irony here is that these same people who the GOP count on each election cycle for guaranteed votes are the exact same people the Republicans are trying to deny Social Security and Medicare.  If it weren’t so damned inhuman (not to mention unChristian) the irony would almost be knee-slappingly funny.


Okay, so I’ve drifted off point here, but that tends to happen with me, so deal with it.

Getting back on track, it’s time for this new generation to wake up and stop thinking none of this affects them.  I know this to be true, because I am dating someone considerably younger than myself and, up until about a month ago, he wasn’t really interested in politics.  I’d even watch my news programs when he wasn’t around because I knew how bored he thought this stuff was.  Don’t get me wrong, he respects my political interests and never put me down for it.  Then one day, I was watching and he came home and caught a bit of what was being said..and he got angry.  Not at me watching, but that he had no idea that the topic of discussion was even an issue.  Now I notice that he follows politics a little more closely.  Something inside his mind actually woke up and made him see that there is a whole lot of bullshit going on out there and too many people who want to profit from the misery of others.  I simply said to him, “Welcome to the political circus.”

I told him about my theory of how the “have’s” want to squash (not to mention create more of) the “have-not’s”.  So I feel good about that.  Not so much trying to brainwash them into my way of thinking – I’ll leave that tactic to the republicans and religious folks).  No, I just feel good knowing that I might have helped someone open their eyes and see that evertyhing we in the political fray bitch about so much actually does affect them…no matter how detached they are from the process.

So anyway…getting back to my conspiracy theory…

I realize that I won’t be able to convince you I’m right.  In fact, most people tell me I’m full of shit…then I’ll get a call, message or email sometime down the line telling me I was right.  (color me surprised)  I do know, however, that some of you will be tougher nuts to crack.  No biggie.  Just do us all a favor, watch a little news and at least try to dip your toe into the cesspool of politics.  Because if you don’t educate yourself to the underhanded shenanigans of politics, then you’ll never really understand what really happened to your job, home, or life.  Everything they do in politics – from your local leaders all the way up to state and Washington levels – affects you no matter how young (and now that includes fetuses and embryo’s) to not only the elderly, but long-dead people as well.

I just don’t want to hear people complaining about how they lost their family because they lost their house because they lost their job…and still claim the Democrats are the cause of all their ills.  Believe me when I say I’m not always impressed with the Democrats, either…they tend to be such pussy’s when it comes to not wanting to piss people off.  I do, however, respect the ones who swim against the tide because it’s what’s good for the common good and general welfare of people as a whole, rather than looking out for the profits of their donors.  I am a firm believer in speaking my mind and gearing whatever I vote for towards the betterment of all people, and I know that by doing so, I am pissing off all the right people.

Simpler Times, America…Don’tchya Miss That???

So it’s time to stand back up. people.  Straighten up your back, stick out your shoulders and start acting like the evolved species we truly are.  You don’t have to vote like a Democrat to evolve, but if you do vote republican, at least have the balls to question their motives and actions.  Don’t just vote for someone because they can scare you into a hole with their words and tell you everyone else is responsible for your ills.  After all, “The Flintstons” was not a documentary!!!

Posted in Media Matters, Politics | 4 Comments »