The Tempest Online™

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Archive for June, 2011

Suffering My Monthly “Queeriod”

Posted by Daniel on June 15, 2011

Short Man..Shorter Fuse

I think I’m suffering from what can only be described as my “Queeriod”.

I’m bloated.

I’m bitchy.

I cry for no reason.

I’m retaining water…

…and pizza…

…and Twinkies…

…and air…and…

I have cramps (though this could be from the bangers).

I’m having migraines every couple of days.

I’ve gained weight for no reason (stop looking in my shopping cart!!!).

The idea that men experience a monthly cycle is not new. As early as the 17th century, the Italian physician Santorio Sanctorius, after carefully measuring the weight of his body, along with it’s various excretions (Santorio was nothing if not thorough), discovered a monthly cycle in body weight of approximately two pounds. He noted that the peak of the cycle was accompanied by feelings of heaviness and lassitude.

In later centuries there were various attempts to establish the existence of a male cycle. The late decades of the 19th century were a particularly fruitful period for some reason, with a number of authors (Gall, Stephenson and Campbell, if you must know) finding evidence for monthly fluctuations in mood, energy and sex drive. Later in 1929, a study found that men have emotional cycles of about one-month to six-weeks in length (as a friend of mine had suggested). During the low period of the cycle, men were reported to feel apathetic and indifferent. During the high period they reported more energy, a greater sense of well-being, and lower body weight. Hmmm. This explains my reaction to Dorito’s as well, I think.

It is probably not coincidental that all these symptoms have been associated with serum levels of testosterone. During periods of low serum testosterone men report feeling apathetic and indifferent. During periods of high serum testosterone they report more energy, a greater sense of well-being, and lower body weight. In fact a whole market in testosterone supplements has emerged to service aging men whose levels of serum testosterone have fallen.

But the experts who weigh ponderously on such matters say that a monthly hormonal cycle in men has not been established. Part of the reason has been the lamentably thin body of research devoted to the topic (I couldn’t find a single modern study). But it’s also a function of testosterone itself. Testosterone levels are notoriously difficult to calibrate because they’re often dependent on one’s psychological state, which in turn is largely a function of circumstance. Leaders of every kind (tribal, political, business) have higher relative levels of serum testosterone. Levels drop sharply in men who lose there jobs or watch their teams lose. And that’s not just in men. Women in high level corporate positions have higher levels of testosterone than their sisters in less driven professions.

Given the sensitivity of testosterone to life’s ups and downs, it’s easy to see how a discernable and very real cyclical pattern might get lost in the background noise. Perhaps the best evidence available to us is anecdotal. I know that I go through periods of high energy, high sex drive and periods of the opposite. I’m familiar enough with these cycles to know that any particular state will not last. While I can’t say with any confidence that these cycles revolve in a regular pattern, I can safely predict that if I’m feeling crappy on Monday, I’ll be feeling better by the weekend. Whether that constitutes a “Male Period” I can’t say. All I know for certain is that if science ever establishes its non-existence, I’ll never be able to use it as an excuse for bad behavior.

Then I’ll just move on the excuse of “Manapause”.

Posted in Just For Fun, Life | Leave a Comment »

Mass-Debaters

Posted by Daniel on June 13, 2011

Newt Gingrich, Michele Bachmann, Tim Pawlenty, Ron Paul, Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum and Herman Cain…

Honestly…Is this the BEST the Republican and Tea Parties can do???  These are the people you want speaking for you?  Worse yet…Are these the people you want us to believe would be more qualified to ruin – sorry, I mean RUN – our future?

Hmmm…At the risk of sounding uncouth…(and as my father used to say) you can go piss up a ropeThere is no one out there who can or will convince me that they, even remotely, take any of these so-called candidates seriously.  And if you do then people should throw rocks at you just for being that stupid.

I’ve watched this “debate” – or as I prefer to call it, “Pander-Monium” – and here’s what I’ve gleaned from what they are laughingly calling answers…

Pawlenty – Regarding you referring to “Obamnicare”, you had the chance to pounce on that tonight when you were standing NEXT to Romney..Instead you showed how two-faced and cowardly you are by throwing it at Obama.  You pussied out on your chance to show how genuine you claim to be.  I guaranty you’ll be out tomorrow AGAIN comparing Romney to Obama on the healthcare issue.

Paul – You’re still a wacky crazy old fart who no one can – or should – take seriously.  But you’re good for a laugh…don’t ever change.

It's Official...Until She Drops Out

Bachman – Wow, what can I say?  Everyone on the news networks is saying you were the clear winner of this “debate”.  That’s saying a lot, considering I’ve always thought you were the biggest biggoted pandering piece of shit politician…second only to former President George W. Bush.  So you being considered a winner of anything should come with a ticker tape parade.  You’re lucky Sarah Palin isn’t actually going to run…she might steal your “Queen of the Stupid” tiara.

Gingrich – Should I even bother?  Oh yeah…you are the political version of a seat filler at the Daytime Emmy’s.  You had no official or serious role there, but you evened out the lineup.  Good for you.  By the way, your Contract For America has, as of the end of this debate, been cancelled.  Buh-Bye!!!

Romney

Romney...Queen of the Flip-Floppers

Romney – You might win your party’s nomination…but you’re going to hell for lying and you are the king of flip-floppers.  There’s no reason to honor you with more words.  Wait, except these…you committed voter fraud earlier this year when you voted in Massachusetts (even though you don’t actually live there) and used your sons basement apartment address to do it.  As if someone with your millions would ever live in a basement apartment.  C’mon…who the hell do you think you’re fooling???  You deserve to lose based solely on your many faces, your forked tongue, your pandering flip-floppery and your gigantic head.

Santorum and Cain…hmmmm…what can be said about you two?  Actually neither of you matter so I don’t care.  Take your biggotted lying asses off the stage.  No one gives a damn what you think, and your chances of winning anything of significance is about as likely as me having sex with a woman.  But I’m not one to judge…for all I know your sick close-minded uneducated four tooth-having robot-fearing Medicare-using Dixie-loving doctor-murdering race-baiting fear mongering base probably would vote for you.

So anyway, I watched this boring and mostly uneventful freak show with about the same amount of zeal as one would watching a bull castration.  Not that I had any illusions that some great big newsworthy exchange or hair-pulling would happen.  But one always hopes there might actually be an answer given during one of these so-called “Question & Answer” debates.  All I saw was each and every one of those “candidates” dodging the issues as usual and avoiding any chance to point out what sets them apart from the person standing next to them.  They actually spent more time doting on one another and quoting each other in a positive way and still managed to point out how everything in life was Obamas’ fault and that they would overturn everything he’s ever done. 

If you missed this over-priced puffed-up freak show then count yourself as one of the lucky ones.  All we got tonight was the typical bumper sticker tag lines and yawn-inducing wedge issues.  Not the least of which was gay marriage, DADT and illegal immigration.  Once again, really?  That’s all you pandering howler monkeys can come up with?  How many times do I have to tell you, you Republiculous human wannabe’s, that if you persist on using me as a wedge issue I will come over to your house, climb up onto your dining room table destroy your white bread marriages by deflowering myself with your cucumber centerpiece!!!

Honestly, I’ve seen more staunch Republicans at a Log Cabin Republican sock-hop and more committed Tea-Baggers at a Gay Pride Parade.

Wow, now that I think about it, I really can’t wait for the next Republican Debate.  But this time, do me a favor, make it more believable.  Make sure it none of the above.  Instead make it Sarah Palin, Donald Trump, Tom Skerritt, Gary Sinise and Larry Miller.  At least we KNOW these people aren’t serious about running and won’t act like they know what they are saying.  And yet, they still seem more believable.

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