The Tempest Online™

~ Sic gorgiamus allos subjectatos nunc. ~

All The Right Moves

Posted by Daniel on June 11, 2013

Each day that passes, I get a little closer to the big move.  I have to say that I’m very excited, yet a tiny part of me is apprehensive.  I mean come on, I’ll be fifty (50)  in less than three months!!  Next to Shady Pines and running out of denture paste, big life changes are the scariest thing to the elderly (as Melissa refers to me).

So I’ve had talks with friends who’ve asked me why I’m willing to take this leap.

Again.

Is it my age? (which people are all-too-quick to point out is, in fact, just a number)
Is it my way of escaping the painful memories? (no comment)
Is it the weather? (or lack thereof)
Is it a man? (REALLY???)
Is it a better job? (define better)

To be perfectly honest, it’s probably a little of all of the above. (minus the man part)  I’ve been thinking about San Jose for a long time now. It isn’t even really the fact that many of my friends (not all…but many) either live there or have moved to other parts of the bay area.  While I look forward to being around friends up there more often, I’ll still miss those who are still here.  But hell, it’s just a two hour drive away, and except for a tedious little mountain range, there aren’t any real barriers to inhibit visits.

And yes, I’ll say it, someone recently came out of the woodwork that I kinda crushed on but never stood a chance with.  Until he finally made his move.  So there was that part of me that said “FINALLY!!!  Maybe I should stay then!!”  But I had to be honest with myself as well as him.  If I stay, it’ll be for the wrong reasons in that I will always feel like I missed a chance that I’ve been needing and planning and hoping for for over a year.  That wouldn’t be fair to either of us, because if I can’t commit to him and us without thinking about San Jose, then I’d be no better than those who choose to mix love with regret.  So I told him this.  I know he sincerely understands, yet I know he also feels like we’re missing out.  I say maybe we had some time to teach one another how to come out of our shells and see ourselves WITHOUT limitations.  After all, I told him, if I can’t feel good about myself here, how am I going to be good for HIM?  That part he got.  🙂

Then there’s the matter of the fact that almost all of my immediate family live here in Fresno.  I’ll admit, I haven’t been the best at staying in contact or making good on the visits.  But I love them and think about all of them every day.  But again, I’ll be only a two hour dive from them as well. 

The truth of the matter is that I simply want a fresh start.  I have learned over time that there’s no real life if you’re not willing to take a chance to live it.  It’s not that I don’t want to put down roots somewhere…on the contrary, I most certainly do.  But for now, I just want to feel at ease.  I feel so much more comfortable in San Jose because it reminds me of Kansas City, MO.  A city that is just the right size and atmosphere.  San Francisco is just “too much’ in too little space…and LA is just too much in general.

As for escaping the memories here, sure there are some I’d love to forget, but hey, who doesn’t have those, right?  If I had to attach memories to my reason for moving, it would be that this move I’ll be doing alone.  It’s on me.  I will voluntarily bear the weight of my decision and there won’t be anyone to blame if I fail.  (not that I think I failed here, because I’ve done pretty well, all things considered)  Lets face it, in the span of five years I went from having everything, to having nothing (literally) to having everything again.  Not an easy achievement at this stage of the game.  And it’s very possible I’ll have to scale back yet again once I’m living there.  I don’t mind.  I’ve learned to adapt to a more whittled down lifestyle and I’ve also learned that less is, in the right setting, certainly more.  Travis and Nic were two very important teachers in that, and I thank them every day in one way or another.

But now it’s time to start over.  Only this time it’s on my terms.  And short of hitting that lotto (which might never happen), I’m not really afraid of scaling back on “things” for the sake of comfort.  The upside of that is I already have a place lined up to call home (and Dallas, you still honor me by choosing me first over all those boring choices you COULD have made) and projects planned already (Nic and Shugga, we will do extraordinary things together!!) for the community.

I guess it all comes down to what some people might see as foolish selfishness.  Moving for all the wrong reasons.  I get that.  When I moved from Kansas City, Missouri, I ended up losing a lot of friends in the process.  But that happens.  I choose to see it a different way, though.  I don’t think it’s selfish for people (who are SINGLE) to decide to make a dramatic change in their lives.  Sometimes it’s just a career change.  Sometimes you might move across town.  And then there are times when you just want a complete change of everything (not including friends…they’re not like Kleenex and you don’t throw those away!!). 

A fresh start.

The right move.

We’ve all earned the right to make that choice.  We all deserve to make that move.

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