The Tempest Online™

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Archive for the ‘Life’ Category

Lessons Learned

Posted by Daniel on August 7, 2013

A code of professional conduct is a necessary component to any profession to maintain standards for the individuals within that profession to adhere.  It brings about accountability, responsibility and trust to the individuals that the profession serves.

For writers such as Alexander Pope and Samuel Johnson, struggling in the transition from the age of patronage to that of Grub Street professionalism, Shakespeare offered not only a body of poetic invention but also an inspirational career trajectory.  I have lived my professional life to this standard since day-one.

As a writer, I’ve learned the in’s and out’s of just how powerful the spoken or written word can be.  Words (spoken or unspoken) can hurt or heal.  They can resolve, through mediation, great disparage and disagreements; yet they can also dig a chasm of resent so vast and so deep that no action can ever fill it.  In these instances, the resulting void is a scar that can never heal…leading to the death of any future talks.  I include “unspoken” in this narrative because recent events have underlined just how much hurt can come from what isn’t said just as much as what is.

In business, this is all the more important to keep in mind.  Be careful with whom you conduct business, because those who are sometimes close to you and are amazing people at their core, can also show to have absolutely no business savvy whatsoever.  If they even so much as researched their dealings, they might not be setting themselves up for, what I see as, several contractual lawsuits down the short road of this endeavor.  And you sometimes have to discover this through watching everything they try to conduct professionally fall through the floor.

I am currently standing at the edge of this professional and intellectual abyss.

Not too long ago I was asked to join a business venture that, at face value, appeared to be both novel in it’s originality as well as long overdue in it’s ideals.  I was asked to come on board as their Communications Director, which involved editing all web and email content, as well as turning their website from a sows ear to a silk purse.  I also worked for weeks getting their link added to thirty nine LGBTQ (and LGBTQ-friendly) websites as a means of helping to spread the message of this company.  “All Inclusive” and “In this business, we exclude NO groups” were the original themes batted around.  Of course I was all over this project.

It didn’t take long to figure out this message of theirs was not, in fact, entirely true.  No matter how much the two ladies who’ve taken the lead want to protest.  I am truly sorry to have to say that even the name of their so-called production company has become a bad joke.  Mostly because their actions and, sorry to say, business ethics have proven that name to be completely opposite in meaning.

Without going into the gory details or play-by-Play, suffice it to say that if you can’t take a courteous and professional criticism (that you asked for, by the way), then you shouldn’t jump into the deep end of the professional Pool.  I love working with people, and always have.  But in business, like I’ve always said, if you want to bark with the big dogs, you can’t pee like a puppy.  And you need to grow a thicker skin so that when someone tells you that when you write official emails or texts to companies, you’d better not sound like a Jr. High drop-out.  Yes, I said it…Punctuation…look into it!!!

Bottom line, if you can’t or won’t take professional criticism as a positive lesson learned, and would rather continue speaking to people professionally in a manner that makes you look like the most complex sentence structure you can come up with is “Was up wichew?”, good luck on your next business venture.  Because this one will be short-lived.  Especially when I get done with it online.  Only unlike you, I can do it by telling the truth.

Professionally speaking.

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Posted in Common Sense, LGBT, Life, Our Writings | Leave a Comment »

Don’t SHOH8!!!

Posted by Daniel on June 26, 2013

ImageOkay, with all the revelry over today’s landmark and HISTORIC decisions from SCOTUS, there is something I, as a gay American would like to say.

I’ve already seen the hateful venom being poured out on the media and internet from those who adamantly oppose marriage equality. I get that. It’s to be expected. And no amount of talk from myself or anyone else will ever really change many of their minds. This is, after all, based on their sense of morality/beliefs. We can do nothing to sway the diehard Prop 8 and DOMA supporters, other than to go forward as examples of how these decisions in no way threaten them. Religious or political views are, in many cases, something that they can’t change. I respect that. But it’s time to live up to that religious precept of not judging. It really is time.

And to all of my fellow revelers out there…Yes, we have reason to celebrate. This has, indeed, been a long hard-fought battle. But there are two things we, as a community need to remember…First, no matter how long this battle has been, it isn’t nearly won. There is still so very far we have to go to make marriage equality the law of ALL the land…not just parts of it. So celebrate our victories, but don’t put down that banner just yet. And second, in your revelry, please try to show a little class in NOT throwing F-bombs or other vitriolic rhetoric at those who oppose marriage equality. It’s not who we are and not helpful in our cause. In every decision there are winners and losers (not meant in any negative way). Someone wins and someone loses. Today was our day to win and while it’s been a long time in coming, lets try not to sling the same hate back at those who tried to hold us down. 

On that note, major congratulations to those who fought so very hard on our behalf, to those who sacrificed so very much, and to all of us who now are one MAJOR step closer to true equality.

Posted in GLBT, LGBT, Life, Media Matters, News, Op-Ed, Politics, Religion | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »

All The Right Moves

Posted by Daniel on June 11, 2013

Each day that passes, I get a little closer to the big move.  I have to say that I’m very excited, yet a tiny part of me is apprehensive.  I mean come on, I’ll be fifty (50)  in less than three months!!  Next to Shady Pines and running out of denture paste, big life changes are the scariest thing to the elderly (as Melissa refers to me).

So I’ve had talks with friends who’ve asked me why I’m willing to take this leap.

Again.

Is it my age? (which people are all-too-quick to point out is, in fact, just a number)
Is it my way of escaping the painful memories? (no comment)
Is it the weather? (or lack thereof)
Is it a man? (REALLY???)
Is it a better job? (define better)

To be perfectly honest, it’s probably a little of all of the above. (minus the man part)  I’ve been thinking about San Jose for a long time now. It isn’t even really the fact that many of my friends (not all…but many) either live there or have moved to other parts of the bay area.  While I look forward to being around friends up there more often, I’ll still miss those who are still here.  But hell, it’s just a two hour drive away, and except for a tedious little mountain range, there aren’t any real barriers to inhibit visits.

And yes, I’ll say it, someone recently came out of the woodwork that I kinda crushed on but never stood a chance with.  Until he finally made his move.  So there was that part of me that said “FINALLY!!!  Maybe I should stay then!!”  But I had to be honest with myself as well as him.  If I stay, it’ll be for the wrong reasons in that I will always feel like I missed a chance that I’ve been needing and planning and hoping for for over a year.  That wouldn’t be fair to either of us, because if I can’t commit to him and us without thinking about San Jose, then I’d be no better than those who choose to mix love with regret.  So I told him this.  I know he sincerely understands, yet I know he also feels like we’re missing out.  I say maybe we had some time to teach one another how to come out of our shells and see ourselves WITHOUT limitations.  After all, I told him, if I can’t feel good about myself here, how am I going to be good for HIM?  That part he got.  🙂

Then there’s the matter of the fact that almost all of my immediate family live here in Fresno.  I’ll admit, I haven’t been the best at staying in contact or making good on the visits.  But I love them and think about all of them every day.  But again, I’ll be only a two hour dive from them as well. 

The truth of the matter is that I simply want a fresh start.  I have learned over time that there’s no real life if you’re not willing to take a chance to live it.  It’s not that I don’t want to put down roots somewhere…on the contrary, I most certainly do.  But for now, I just want to feel at ease.  I feel so much more comfortable in San Jose because it reminds me of Kansas City, MO.  A city that is just the right size and atmosphere.  San Francisco is just “too much’ in too little space…and LA is just too much in general.

As for escaping the memories here, sure there are some I’d love to forget, but hey, who doesn’t have those, right?  If I had to attach memories to my reason for moving, it would be that this move I’ll be doing alone.  It’s on me.  I will voluntarily bear the weight of my decision and there won’t be anyone to blame if I fail.  (not that I think I failed here, because I’ve done pretty well, all things considered)  Lets face it, in the span of five years I went from having everything, to having nothing (literally) to having everything again.  Not an easy achievement at this stage of the game.  And it’s very possible I’ll have to scale back yet again once I’m living there.  I don’t mind.  I’ve learned to adapt to a more whittled down lifestyle and I’ve also learned that less is, in the right setting, certainly more.  Travis and Nic were two very important teachers in that, and I thank them every day in one way or another.

But now it’s time to start over.  Only this time it’s on my terms.  And short of hitting that lotto (which might never happen), I’m not really afraid of scaling back on “things” for the sake of comfort.  The upside of that is I already have a place lined up to call home (and Dallas, you still honor me by choosing me first over all those boring choices you COULD have made) and projects planned already (Nic and Shugga, we will do extraordinary things together!!) for the community.

I guess it all comes down to what some people might see as foolish selfishness.  Moving for all the wrong reasons.  I get that.  When I moved from Kansas City, Missouri, I ended up losing a lot of friends in the process.  But that happens.  I choose to see it a different way, though.  I don’t think it’s selfish for people (who are SINGLE) to decide to make a dramatic change in their lives.  Sometimes it’s just a career change.  Sometimes you might move across town.  And then there are times when you just want a complete change of everything (not including friends…they’re not like Kleenex and you don’t throw those away!!). 

A fresh start.

The right move.

We’ve all earned the right to make that choice.  We all deserve to make that move.

Posted in Family, Friends, Life | Leave a Comment »

As Your Friend, I Should tell You…

Posted by Daniel on April 1, 2013

Time to talk like an adult.

Real friends don’t look at you and say, “You chose these friends over us.”
In grownup land, we don’t actually choose. We don’t have to. In life, we add to our circle of friends. That’s what happens when you venture out of the house…you meet more people. Some of your friends don’t all live in the same areas. So you TRY to balance out the talks and visits. Plans sometimes get crossed, or even changed.  It happens.   But you don’t really think of it as, “Hmmm…I like these people more than these, so i’m just gonna stop talking to this group entirely.”

I bring this up because I’ve been faced with a very precarious decision.  Do I try to somehow amend the hurt feelings of a few people who I’ve always counted as my friends?  Or do I tell them to grow the fuck up and learn that just because they FEEL slighted and ignored, that isn’t necessarily the case.  Now, I’m a little heated at the moment because I just had my apology for an absence turned into what amounts to a “fuck you…go on with your happy life with your new friends…we’re good”.  In this heated moment, I’m tempted to grant that wish.

I’m guilty of spending time with friends who don’t live in the same city as I or some of my other friends do.  It’s true, I prefer that city over this one simply because the air is cleaner (and my allergies love that), there is FAR more to do up there and the people up there are, for the most part, drama-free.  Not that my friends here in this town are more drama-ridden.  Not wanting to imply that at all.  I’ve just seen them as busier and not as accessible lately. I’ll send a text asking what’s up and depending on the response (if there actually is one), that will tell me what’s happening here.   No biggie, I’ve formed no opinion about that other than, “Eh, they’re busy.  Hmmm…wonder what’s happening up North?”  Quite literally, that’s about as much thought as I actually put into it.

I have, just today, been informed that I, for all intents and purposes, am a gigantic asshole who chose one group of friends over those here in Fresno.  Not true.  Since January, I can see the texts (all 5 of them) from one of you who responded to my texts with absolutely no obvious interest.  Again, no biggie.  Sorry to bother ya.  But where (since December) is one single text FROM you (actually, ANY of you) initiating anything even remotely resembling even the faintest conversation?  So when you tell me “All of us are thinking this…I’m just the only one willing to step up and say it to you”, you’ve just said far more than you expected.

Friendships work when everyone understands all the variables.  I’m always conscious of the fact that my friends can be, and occasionally are, busy or tied up.  They have their reasons.  If they are coupled, there’s always that.  Or they’re working, have other plans, whatever.  I understand these things.  Even when I don’t hear from them, I’m not assuming they’ve dropped or deleted me from their life.  I figure when they text me, they text me.  No biggie.

I guess I just have a problem when I’m not afforded the same patience.  Things come up.  I have work, school, extra classes, MORE work, and other things that come into my life.  Not the least of which is trying like hell to cultivate a long overdue (and highly fought for) dating situation.  But I have no intentions of intentionally avoiding local friends or deleting anyone from my life.  I don’t work that way.  I’m all too happy to admit, I am just as capable of screwing up and occasionally making friends feel (unintentionally) neglected or left out as anyone else.  But again, that isn’t intentional or what I’m actually wanting.  That’s friendship…it can be screwed up here and there, but we know our friends are still there for us no matter what.

I love ALL of my friends.  I don’t play favorites or dump one for another.  I don’t judge them for their silence or their having lives.  But I know they are there for me, and that means everything.  I just want them to all understand it works both ways.  If you want to talk, text or call or come by!!  Don’t wait three months and then be mad when something pops up and plans change.  That’s life.  I accept it when you have to change plans.  Why is it worse when I have to?

I’m not trying in any way to insult, demean or rub your nose(s) in your hurt feelings.  Quite the opposite, actually.  I’m sorry plans changed and I screwed up by not letting you know at that moment.  But it doesn’t mean those plans were more important than YOU…just unavoidable.

So again, we’re all adults here and as such, we deserve to show one another a bit more patience and understanding.  I promise to try to do better as your friend…will you?

Posted in Friends, Life, Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »

Neverday’s Seeds

Posted by Daniel on March 16, 2013

There’s a seed of inspiration sewn in every conversation I have.  I glean these seeds from family, friends, ex’s and “Oh’s”.   Today’s seed was planted by a simple word.   Left me thinking about what I’ve gained and lost by aiming for that word…”Companionship”.  How can I attain this state in the present or future if I’m unsure of what I’ve learned from the past?   After all, there’s no past that I can bring back by longing for it, only a present that builds and creates itself as the past withdraws.

So I reflect back on my memories.   The good, the bad and the ugly.   I can honestly say, without hesitation that I have tried to spread as much or more good as I have ever received.  But I also recognize that I am guilty of causing pain – however unintentional – to others.  I’m inspired by a friends’ random act of kindness that he passed along to an elderly couple.  I take heart every day in the strength and worldly wisdom of someone who, to me, is and lives the very definition of beauty.  I try to live up to their examples every day.  Not as a means of erasing the red marks in my life, but to guide my actions in a positive way moving forward.  It is in this realization that I learn, grow and gain strength enough to stop looking back at the past with such relish as to refuse to see the beautiful, newly revealed views before me.

Initially I’m overwhelmed.  But gradually I realize it’s like a wave.   Resist, and I’ll be knocked over.  Dive into it, and I’ll swim out the other side.  The only real failure is my failure to try, and the measure of success is how I cope with disappointment.  But it’s also true that the person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing.

All of this and I am still afraid.  Will today’s seed take root?  Can I, after all this time, open up and allow myself the chance to be the gardener I once was?  Is companionship really so attainable?

It’s all too unclear. 

All I know about the future is that it will be different.  But perhaps what I fear is that it will be the same. So I must celebrate the changes, because, as someone once said, everything will be alright in the end, and if it’s not alright, then trust me…that’s alright, too.

Posted in Family, Friends, Life, Love - Or Something Like It | Leave a Comment »

Since The World Is Going To End, Might As Well Get It Out There…

Posted by Daniel on December 10, 2012

end-of-the-worldMelissa and I were talking last night.  And if you’ve ever read about our insane conversations, imagine my surprise at how lucid she seemed this time.  She brought up the impending theoretical end of the world on the 21st.  Then before I could tell her how I don’t subscribe to that any more than I did the big Y2K scare, Bigfoot or children, she made a request that, at first stunned me…then made me think.  She said, “If you KNEW the world was going to end, what secrets about yourself would you tell the world?”

Wow…This took me aback.  Mostly because she’s never actually completed a sentence without using the word “penis”, but also because she actually made me speechless.   Then, without giving it too much (or even enough) thought,  I suddenly  decided WTF, I’m going to do it.

What follows is my list of twenty secrets.  Okay, some are secrets and some are just exclamations I’d throw out there, being as my period of shame will end on 12/21/2012.

Theoretically.

Just want to say, in the event I’m right and the world doesn’t end and we’re all still here on Saturday the 22nd, please forget you ever read any of this and we can then avoid the awkwardness.

So, without further ado…here it is…Bring on the asteroid:

  1. I don’t believe in God, reincarnation or ghosts.  Never have.  But I respect those who do.
  2. I’ve always been too afraid to learn how to swim.
  3. I’ve always considered myself to be an unattractive person.  Still do.
  4. It’s not that I won’t dance…I just don’t know how.
  5. I’ve attempted suicide…twice.
  6. I refuse to date anyone who gets jealous of those around me.  Trust them and me, or move on!!
  7. Contrary to the fake reputation of being a castrating bitch that I’ve always tried to keep up, I actually do have a heart.  And it’s been damaged.  Severely.  But I still care.
  8. Silence terrifies me.  Literally.
  9. I’m sincerely and passionately in love with someone.
  10. I believe in love, people and science.  Always will.
  11. I consider my friends to be my life and my memories.  I’d give my life for them.
  12. My last relationship failed because I’ll never be over the one before.  There are other reasons, obviously, but this one hurts to admit just as much.
  13. In Jr. High, I once got beaten up by a girl.  I don’t hit girls.
  14. In the Qualifiers on American Gladiators, I was eliminated by a girl.  (least I THINK it was a girl)
  15. To this day, I still feel guilty that I survived the 80’s when so many didn’t.
  16. I stupidly allowed someone to convince me that I’ll die alone.
  17. I’ve been to Paradise, but I’ve never been to me.  I don’t know what that means, but it seems to apply.
  18. I never once pee’d in a pool.  Now I wish I had.
  19. My body pillow has a name.
  20. I actually love Melissa more than she knows.  Just don’t tell her.

Posted in Life, WTF??? | 3 Comments »

Suffering My Monthly “Queeriod”

Posted by Daniel on June 15, 2011

Short Man..Shorter Fuse

I think I’m suffering from what can only be described as my “Queeriod”.

I’m bloated.

I’m bitchy.

I cry for no reason.

I’m retaining water…

…and pizza…

…and Twinkies…

…and air…and…

I have cramps (though this could be from the bangers).

I’m having migraines every couple of days.

I’ve gained weight for no reason (stop looking in my shopping cart!!!).

The idea that men experience a monthly cycle is not new. As early as the 17th century, the Italian physician Santorio Sanctorius, after carefully measuring the weight of his body, along with it’s various excretions (Santorio was nothing if not thorough), discovered a monthly cycle in body weight of approximately two pounds. He noted that the peak of the cycle was accompanied by feelings of heaviness and lassitude.

In later centuries there were various attempts to establish the existence of a male cycle. The late decades of the 19th century were a particularly fruitful period for some reason, with a number of authors (Gall, Stephenson and Campbell, if you must know) finding evidence for monthly fluctuations in mood, energy and sex drive. Later in 1929, a study found that men have emotional cycles of about one-month to six-weeks in length (as a friend of mine had suggested). During the low period of the cycle, men were reported to feel apathetic and indifferent. During the high period they reported more energy, a greater sense of well-being, and lower body weight. Hmmm. This explains my reaction to Dorito’s as well, I think.

It is probably not coincidental that all these symptoms have been associated with serum levels of testosterone. During periods of low serum testosterone men report feeling apathetic and indifferent. During periods of high serum testosterone they report more energy, a greater sense of well-being, and lower body weight. In fact a whole market in testosterone supplements has emerged to service aging men whose levels of serum testosterone have fallen.

But the experts who weigh ponderously on such matters say that a monthly hormonal cycle in men has not been established. Part of the reason has been the lamentably thin body of research devoted to the topic (I couldn’t find a single modern study). But it’s also a function of testosterone itself. Testosterone levels are notoriously difficult to calibrate because they’re often dependent on one’s psychological state, which in turn is largely a function of circumstance. Leaders of every kind (tribal, political, business) have higher relative levels of serum testosterone. Levels drop sharply in men who lose there jobs or watch their teams lose. And that’s not just in men. Women in high level corporate positions have higher levels of testosterone than their sisters in less driven professions.

Given the sensitivity of testosterone to life’s ups and downs, it’s easy to see how a discernable and very real cyclical pattern might get lost in the background noise. Perhaps the best evidence available to us is anecdotal. I know that I go through periods of high energy, high sex drive and periods of the opposite. I’m familiar enough with these cycles to know that any particular state will not last. While I can’t say with any confidence that these cycles revolve in a regular pattern, I can safely predict that if I’m feeling crappy on Monday, I’ll be feeling better by the weekend. Whether that constitutes a “Male Period” I can’t say. All I know for certain is that if science ever establishes its non-existence, I’ll never be able to use it as an excuse for bad behavior.

Then I’ll just move on the excuse of “Manapause”.

Posted in Just For Fun, Life | Leave a Comment »

It’s Not Me…It’s You

Posted by Daniel on December 4, 2010

Putting The Vibes Out There

It's not like I'm NOT thinking happy thoughts...!!

I’m tired of trying to convince people that I am, in fact, in complete control of my mind and my heart.

Seth is gone, people!!  Outta here!!  So let’s all move the fuck on about it, okay??

All I want is to be able to move FORWARD with what little life he left me, but that is the extent of his influence…

He left me with shit and I have to turn that into gold…or at the very least, copper.

But – and I’m going to say this here, so if he IS reading it, he’ll know what you know – he never let my feelings get in HIS way of starting a new life…so why the hell should I consider his feelings for mine??

And that’s the point I’ve been trying to make to everyone who seems hell-bent on telling me how I feel.

The way I FEEL now is “good”.  The person I “feel” good about is NOT Seth!!

And another thing…please stop trying to tell me that it’s “too soon after Seth to have real feelings” for someone!!!  How the HELL would you know that??  Let me tell ALL of you…I’ve had OVER a year and a half (almost 2 years) to get over him…because that’s about how long ago he fucking dumped me!!!  Just because I’m finishing up the fucking “divorce” process NOW (again, because he walked away a LONG time ago and WAITED to tell me until he was set up somewhere else) doesn’t mean I’m “not over” him.

The reason he’s even still in the conversation is because there are so many peopl out there who continue to bring him up to me!!!

Did you know Seth did this?

I knew what Seth was up to “_____” long ago!!

Do you still talk to Seth?

Seriously.  Can’t we all just fucking drop it?!?!

My FOCUS is on one person these days…his name is Travis.  He has been my focus quite honestly since the day I physically met him (day before Halloween).  He knocked my socks off almost the minute we began talking.  And this was no easy feat, considering the HUGE handicap he was under at the particular moment we met…(and he KNOWS what that was)…so factoring that in, what I’m saying now means THAT much more.

Quite honestly, I wasn’t EVEN looking for someone, really…so going out that night really was almost pointless.  But I wanted a beer and I had been talking online with this really funny, intelligent and yes…handsome…man who had earlier asked if I was going to be out that night.  I said yes.  We met. We talked.  He was drunk.  We STILL talked (he impressed me with that).  He allowed me to hold onto his eyelashes (who says chivalry is dead??).  I looked into those BEAUTIFUL brown eyes and I swear I was taken completely away.  Not to mention the fact that not only does he NOT laugh at every one of my stupid jokes…he’ll even call me on the ones that suck!!

He is, quite honestly, the first man EVER to go toe-to-toe with me on the jokes.

Now, on the other side of the coin, it’s all pretty much possibly for naught.  After spending more time talking to family and friends who all want to know details, details, details…I folded.  I suppose my mood was showing later yesterday and he noticed that on my Facebook.  He asked me to explain…I was reluctant…He insisted…So I did.

Now it’s all out there and I’m afraid I just totally fucked it all up.

Maybe we WERE supposed to only live it day-by-day.  Maybe that spark that ignited on day-one and has continued to grow over this time wasn’t meant to be explored.  Perhaps I did leave myself open to damned soon.

Nothing is as important to me as him finishing school…and because of that, plus his work plus the fact that he rarely sleeps or eats right, I worry about him.  The other night I sacrificed what could have been a wonderful night together so that he would sleep.  It was worth it to me for him to rest…it outweighed my selfish need to be with him.

It made me realize right then as I was driving home that I must really REALLY love this man.  What the hell happened?  How did Cupids’ arrow find my ass??  I thought I’d covered it pretty damned efficiently.

Apparently not.

Apparently…FOR naught.

Posted in Life, Love - Or Something Like It, Our Writings, Today's Rant | Leave a Comment »

The Best Things Are Worth The Weight

Posted by Daniel on November 14, 2010

Doritos!!!  Nom Nom Nom!!!

Doritos!!! Nom Nom Nom!!!

On the long list of things I’ve learned since being tossed out of his life like yesterdays used Kleenex is the issue of weight.

As has been noticed by many (and mentioned to the rest by me), I lost a total of 37 pounds in the period between Valentines Day of this year and the end of Summer.  While I was ever-so-pleased at finally being able to fit into those Osh Kosh B’Gosh jeans I’ve been painfully holding on to for too damned long, I was also very conscious of just how I was losing that weight…and so quickly.

Stress, I’ve found, can be very slimming.  And about as healthy a way of losing weight as cigarettes are an excuse to curb your appetite.  Neither are especially good for you…in fact, they can be pretty damned UN-healthy!

So I was stressing out over all the shoes dropping around me (who knew he had so damned many?!?!?!) and this was, in turn, causing me to have little-to-no appetite.  Shit…who the hell can think of food when your so damned busy trying to figure out what would make your mate cheat on you?  Then, to make matters worse, finding out that he’d been telling potential “playmates” (starting as early as April of 2009) that “we broke up a long time ago…now we’re just roommates”…and HE not actually telling ME that we HAD broken up until April of THIS year.

Yeah, it was that stressful.

Living a lie that long will do that to you.

So I dropped all that weight.  And I decided to make lemonade out of that truckload of lemons he’d dumped over me.  I decided to ride my bike more, do more of my home exercising and try to eat a little better/healthier.

Two out of three ain’t bad.  Doing a lot of riding and LOTS of exercising…but I still eat a lot of crappy food.  Getting better, though..at least there are an equal amount of salads mixed into my new diet and I’ve all but given up soda (save for the ONE I still treat myself to every weekend).

Now, my love handles are almost all gone…I’m seeing the 6-pack abs coming in…I still have rockin’ legs and calves and even my butt is getting perkier.

I’d almost forgotten how hard it is to maintain this butch-yet-girlish figure…”What, you mean I have to give up my Nacho Cheese Doritos??  Fuck that shit!!  I’d rather spend my mornings counting my extra chins!!”

[sorry, Rudy…feel free to borrow one anytime….LMAO!!! That was for all the “Old Fart” and “Geritol” and “Viagra” shots you took at me last night!!]

One of the things that I’ve noticed during this “slimming-down” period (yeah, that’s what I’ll call it) is that when I DO eat out with friends, I’ll order whatever tickles my fancy.  The massive plate inevitably arrives, then I spend the next 30 – 45 minutes talking and fiddling with my food…occasionally taking a bite or two, mostly so as not to offend the staff as to think I hate their food.

NOTE:  Except at “Fajita Fiesta”…I really DO hate their fucking so-called “food”!!!

My dad used to have a saying…”Your eyes are bigger than your stomach” when you’d order food that you couldn’t eat.  That’s very true in my case.

Usually by the time I’m finished “eating”, those with me tend to see my plate as looking more like an autopsy rather than whatever the hell I ordered.

So I’ve apparently developed this weird eating habit of picking at my food.  And yet, I also nibble CONSTANTLY!!  And usually it’s just snacky kinda shit that I like to refer to as “my kibble”.

The past few days, however, I’ve noticed that I’ve actually regained three pounds.  Hmmm…and I HAVE been spending some time with Travis…but it’s way too early for “those” pounds to sneak in on me, right?  I will say this, though…they are very happy pounds.

And from what my doctor and some family and friends tell me, some much-needed pounds.  Guess they were all starting to think I look too thin.

Hmmmmmm…I’ll have to ponder this conundrum over a bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos…

I’ll get back to y’all…

Have a great Sunday!!

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Love Isn’t Timed With A Stopwatch

Posted by Daniel on November 7, 2010

Missed it by THAT much!!!

I Hate Playing "Beat The Clock"!!

This past week, it occurred to me that I had, as it turned out, missed what appeared to be a big chance to accidentally-on-purpose step in the way of, and be hit by Cupid’s all-too-elusive arrow.

I was sad for that loss, of course…because aren’t we all (excluding those that want to have their cake and eat it, too) hoping for love?  Looking for it?  Praying for it?  Oh sure, it’s always better not to look for love, rather we should let love find us, right?  I mean, that is the common wisdom going around, yes?

Ordinarily I’m right there with you on that.  I don’t think I’ve EVER actually looked for love.  Instead, love has always found me.  And when that arrow hit me, (all six times!!) it buried itself so damned deeply that it couldn’t be taken out.

Anyone remember that duck in Illinois that some asshole shot with a bow and arrow and the duck survived?  The arrow was actually sticking through the ducks’ neck and yet the duck lived a normal life.  Everyone was afraid to catch it and remove the arrow for fear that, in itself, would actually kill the little critter.  Hmmm…don’t know exactly what ever happened to it or how long it lived after that.  But I do know one thing…

I have BEEN that duck!!!  Six times in my life I’ve been in love and six times I was left wandering around with an arrow through my neck.

I feel your pain, Daffy!!

Been There...Duck That

This time, however, I’ve decided it’s time to have that sucker removed!!  And it was.  And as many of you know, it damned near killed me.

Literally.

I say “literally” because the last love that was given to me, then without reason or warning, yanked away from me in EVERY insulting way so that it could be handed to someone else apparently more deserving.  Yeah, folks, Seth almost killed me.

But dammit…I survived!!  In spite of all the wrongs done to me, and despite being left quite literally in the street, I have begun the fight back to normalcy.

This brings me to today’s post.

Not very long ago, I began talking to someone who, as it turns out, was probably the finest person I’d met in many years.  He lives in Massachusetts, and is, by all accounts, probably the closest to perfect as you’ll ever find.  Save for one aspect…

Because of his past bad encounters with Cupid’s arrows, (and hey, we’ve all been there, right?), he had decided to put himself, as well as his pursuit of love on something of a time frame.  While I think that’s a bit odd, not to mention rather limiting, I guess he’s just had enough of the meat market atmosphere and all the fakery and let-downs.  And who can blame him, right?

I have to admit, over time and through many conversations on the phone, texts, emails and online chats, I was smitten.  At the same time, I was fighting like hell trying to start a new life (such that Seth had left me with) by moving to Boston (which had nothing to do with the guy in question, mind you).  I worked my ass of trying to save for the trip.  Fought like the dickens to get my work transfer pushed through.

Funny thing about having to start off in life where Seth left me…seems everyone ELSE was holding all the cards and making ALL the decisions for me and I wasn’t allowed ANY input.

All the while, I was intensely aware that this mans “love clock” was ticking down minute by minute…day by day.  And I was getting closer to losing any opportunity of finding out if he could be the one.

Longer story short…

My work decided to drag ass on my transfer…so that (coupled with my ex’s ever-changing promises due to “things change”) pretty much pissed away my chances – at least for now – of moving east.  And, in the process, that wonderful man also decided I wasn’t worth that wait, or else I just didn’t make the deadline.

Needless to say, I was pretty bummed out over BOTH losses…especially the fact that once that deadline came and went, he just completely blew me off.  Guess the calendar told him more about me than I did.  I mean, just how is a guy to get a break when everyone else is pulling the strings???

But then I thought about it.  And while I was saddened to think I was, in an off-beat way, dumped by someone over a calendar date, it forced me to realize that I am better than that.

I am NOT a circle on a calendar…nor an “X”.  I am a person.  A very good person with a heart of gold, a very sharp wit, MUCH to offer the right person, and WORTH the wait in the end.

While I do respect his decision to take charge of his love life and his pursuit OF love…I feel a tiny bit sad for people who come to such a rash decision as to limit loves parameters.  We can’t tell Cupid where to come from, nor can we say it’s going to happen by this date or not at all.

Funny thing about love, readers…it’s messy and hard and wondrous and awe-inspiring.  We can no more limit it’s freedom to hit us from WHATEVER source or direction than we can limit the sun’s warm embrace.  Love is, in a way, a living breathing entity that cannot be captured and put into a jar for our amusement, only to be free’d at our whim.  In that way, it never fails that we tend to forget to poke holes in the cap so that it can breath…and only when we see that it has died do we dump it out and try to capture it alive again.

Like a butterfly (or Madame Butterfly, to those in on the joke) we have to let it remain free to flutter around and land on us at IT’S choosing.

So, while I do most sincerely hope nothing BUT the best for my sweet funny friend in MA on his pursuit/non-pursuit of that elusive arrow…I remain ever confident that that arrow will again find me all on its own.

And lately, I’ve been feeling the urge to check my butt cheek for a red dot…because a butterfly just landed on it…and Cupid has it in his laser sights!!

Posted in Cat Shit, Common Sense, Life, Love - Or Something Like It | Leave a Comment »