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Archive for the ‘Our Writings’ Category

Lessons Learned

Posted by Daniel on August 7, 2013

A code of professional conduct is a necessary component to any profession to maintain standards for the individuals within that profession to adhere.  It brings about accountability, responsibility and trust to the individuals that the profession serves.

For writers such as Alexander Pope and Samuel Johnson, struggling in the transition from the age of patronage to that of Grub Street professionalism, Shakespeare offered not only a body of poetic invention but also an inspirational career trajectory.  I have lived my professional life to this standard since day-one.

As a writer, I’ve learned the in’s and out’s of just how powerful the spoken or written word can be.  Words (spoken or unspoken) can hurt or heal.  They can resolve, through mediation, great disparage and disagreements; yet they can also dig a chasm of resent so vast and so deep that no action can ever fill it.  In these instances, the resulting void is a scar that can never heal…leading to the death of any future talks.  I include “unspoken” in this narrative because recent events have underlined just how much hurt can come from what isn’t said just as much as what is.

In business, this is all the more important to keep in mind.  Be careful with whom you conduct business, because those who are sometimes close to you and are amazing people at their core, can also show to have absolutely no business savvy whatsoever.  If they even so much as researched their dealings, they might not be setting themselves up for, what I see as, several contractual lawsuits down the short road of this endeavor.  And you sometimes have to discover this through watching everything they try to conduct professionally fall through the floor.

I am currently standing at the edge of this professional and intellectual abyss.

Not too long ago I was asked to join a business venture that, at face value, appeared to be both novel in it’s originality as well as long overdue in it’s ideals.  I was asked to come on board as their Communications Director, which involved editing all web and email content, as well as turning their website from a sows ear to a silk purse.  I also worked for weeks getting their link added to thirty nine LGBTQ (and LGBTQ-friendly) websites as a means of helping to spread the message of this company.  “All Inclusive” and “In this business, we exclude NO groups” were the original themes batted around.  Of course I was all over this project.

It didn’t take long to figure out this message of theirs was not, in fact, entirely true.  No matter how much the two ladies who’ve taken the lead want to protest.  I am truly sorry to have to say that even the name of their so-called production company has become a bad joke.  Mostly because their actions and, sorry to say, business ethics have proven that name to be completely opposite in meaning.

Without going into the gory details or play-by-Play, suffice it to say that if you can’t take a courteous and professional criticism (that you asked for, by the way), then you shouldn’t jump into the deep end of the professional Pool.  I love working with people, and always have.  But in business, like I’ve always said, if you want to bark with the big dogs, you can’t pee like a puppy.  And you need to grow a thicker skin so that when someone tells you that when you write official emails or texts to companies, you’d better not sound like a Jr. High drop-out.  Yes, I said it…Punctuation…look into it!!!

Bottom line, if you can’t or won’t take professional criticism as a positive lesson learned, and would rather continue speaking to people professionally in a manner that makes you look like the most complex sentence structure you can come up with is “Was up wichew?”, good luck on your next business venture.  Because this one will be short-lived.  Especially when I get done with it online.  Only unlike you, I can do it by telling the truth.

Professionally speaking.

Posted in Common Sense, LGBT, Life, Our Writings | Leave a Comment »

It’s Not Me…It’s You

Posted by Daniel on December 4, 2010

Putting The Vibes Out There

It's not like I'm NOT thinking happy thoughts...!!

I’m tired of trying to convince people that I am, in fact, in complete control of my mind and my heart.

Seth is gone, people!!  Outta here!!  So let’s all move the fuck on about it, okay??

All I want is to be able to move FORWARD with what little life he left me, but that is the extent of his influence…

He left me with shit and I have to turn that into gold…or at the very least, copper.

But – and I’m going to say this here, so if he IS reading it, he’ll know what you know – he never let my feelings get in HIS way of starting a new life…so why the hell should I consider his feelings for mine??

And that’s the point I’ve been trying to make to everyone who seems hell-bent on telling me how I feel.

The way I FEEL now is “good”.  The person I “feel” good about is NOT Seth!!

And another thing…please stop trying to tell me that it’s “too soon after Seth to have real feelings” for someone!!!  How the HELL would you know that??  Let me tell ALL of you…I’ve had OVER a year and a half (almost 2 years) to get over him…because that’s about how long ago he fucking dumped me!!!  Just because I’m finishing up the fucking “divorce” process NOW (again, because he walked away a LONG time ago and WAITED to tell me until he was set up somewhere else) doesn’t mean I’m “not over” him.

The reason he’s even still in the conversation is because there are so many peopl out there who continue to bring him up to me!!!

Did you know Seth did this?

I knew what Seth was up to “_____” long ago!!

Do you still talk to Seth?

Seriously.  Can’t we all just fucking drop it?!?!

My FOCUS is on one person these days…his name is Travis.  He has been my focus quite honestly since the day I physically met him (day before Halloween).  He knocked my socks off almost the minute we began talking.  And this was no easy feat, considering the HUGE handicap he was under at the particular moment we met…(and he KNOWS what that was)…so factoring that in, what I’m saying now means THAT much more.

Quite honestly, I wasn’t EVEN looking for someone, really…so going out that night really was almost pointless.  But I wanted a beer and I had been talking online with this really funny, intelligent and yes…handsome…man who had earlier asked if I was going to be out that night.  I said yes.  We met. We talked.  He was drunk.  We STILL talked (he impressed me with that).  He allowed me to hold onto his eyelashes (who says chivalry is dead??).  I looked into those BEAUTIFUL brown eyes and I swear I was taken completely away.  Not to mention the fact that not only does he NOT laugh at every one of my stupid jokes…he’ll even call me on the ones that suck!!

He is, quite honestly, the first man EVER to go toe-to-toe with me on the jokes.

Now, on the other side of the coin, it’s all pretty much possibly for naught.  After spending more time talking to family and friends who all want to know details, details, details…I folded.  I suppose my mood was showing later yesterday and he noticed that on my Facebook.  He asked me to explain…I was reluctant…He insisted…So I did.

Now it’s all out there and I’m afraid I just totally fucked it all up.

Maybe we WERE supposed to only live it day-by-day.  Maybe that spark that ignited on day-one and has continued to grow over this time wasn’t meant to be explored.  Perhaps I did leave myself open to damned soon.

Nothing is as important to me as him finishing school…and because of that, plus his work plus the fact that he rarely sleeps or eats right, I worry about him.  The other night I sacrificed what could have been a wonderful night together so that he would sleep.  It was worth it to me for him to rest…it outweighed my selfish need to be with him.

It made me realize right then as I was driving home that I must really REALLY love this man.  What the hell happened?  How did Cupids’ arrow find my ass??  I thought I’d covered it pretty damned efficiently.

Apparently not.

Apparently…FOR naught.

Posted in Life, Love - Or Something Like It, Our Writings, Today's Rant | Leave a Comment »

This Is Single Life???

Posted by Daniel on October 30, 2010

As if my attitude didn't say it for me...

Since I was forced to be single by my ever-cheating EX, I’ve become somewhat familiar with a new vernacular…”Dating Site Lingo”.

It’s been a long time since I was single, and I guess things really have changed over the years.  Being what some would call “old school”, I was completely unaware of how to answer certain questions.  The most often asked is, “So, what are you into?”

Into?

Until recently, I would have answered that thusly:

“Well, I love gardening, spending time with my dog, loving my man, hiking, travel, cozy nights in front of the fire, good books, wine and music……”

Who knew that was the answer NO ONE was looking for???  Besides, how many of us say “cozy nights in front of the fire” and most of us don’t even have a fireplace?!

Now when they ask what you’re into on those dating sites (as well as in person when they’re ballsy enough) they mean something entirely different!!

The following is a list of options they are referring to and my subsequent rubber-stamp answer:

  • By the way, the following list is rather graphic, so if you DON’T want to know these things (which, by the way, are not JUST in the gay culture, but just as prevalent in the hetro world…if not more so.)  So don’t say you weren’t warned.
  1. Leather – I’m too short to pull off wearing this stuff…I’d look like some freaky saddle!!
  2. Fisting – I’m too old to wear diapers and too young to want to wear adult diapers.
  3. P&P – No “poppers” for me…but if they could put the sweet smell of a good man into a bottle, THEN count me in!!
  4. Porn – Why would I want to watch OTHER people having more fun than I am?!?!
  5. Voyeurism – If I wanted other people to watch, I’d be IN porn!!
  6. Slings – It’d just ruin my fond childhood memories of the playground.
  7. Toys – Not unless they can come up with a dildo that can also transform into a car or an airplane!!
  8. Watersports – I’ve been pissed on by “the man” all my life (especially the cheaters)…let’s not make it THAT vivid by making it literal!!
  9. Bondage – I used to work for the military, so it would just remind me of a hostage situation.
  10. Married Men – UGH!!  Been cheated on TOO MANY TIMES to want to BE the “other woman”!!
  11. No Strings – Well, unless it’s tied around a pork tenderloin that you’re cooking for our first date.
  12. Role Playing – “I’m, the Mary…You’re the Rhoda”…really, who needs the confusion??
  13. Straight/Bi – Honestly guys…shit or get off the pot!!!
  14. Dad/Son – No thanks.  I’ve been through enough therapy and FOUND my “happy place”!!
  15. Group Sex – I’m too bendy and afraid we’d all end up in some weird nekkid knot!!
  16. Pig Play – I don’t know WHAT this is…but it don’t EVEN sound like fun to me!!!
  17. Rough – I’m Italian…one wrong or rough move and you’ll be wearing concrete Prada shoes!!!

I’m pretty sure there are more things out there that I’m not “into”, so I reserve the right to expand on this list at any time.

And if there’s one thing I AM “into”, it’s telling people what I’m NOT “into”!!

Posted in Just For Fun, LGBT, Life, Our Writings | 1 Comment »

The Hard Truth About Living A Lie

Posted by Daniel on June 14, 2010

Not IF He Never Comes Back

Dear Readers:

You’ve been wondering where I’ve been for the past several months. Well,truth is I’ve been right here all along. Staring at the computer unable to form a cohesive thought to write because of recent events. And I’m going to share those events with YOU, because I feel it could (in some small way, possibly) help the next poor sap out there who feels they can never have their better half tear their hearts out in ways you NEVER thought they could. Causing you to say and think things to/about them that you NEVER imagined yourself EVER thinking.

What you’re about to read was a project assigned to me by the head of a group session I’ve been attending for the past 6 weeks. The group is for those in relationships who were jilted in emotionally traumatic ways by someone who, as it turned out, dumped them.

The project for last week was to have a written letter (written TO the one who left us) saying EVERYTHING we were otherwise too weak or messed up to say to that person IN person. The first half of the letter was to serve as a mirror FOR the people who dumped us…the last part was to be a mirror to US to show what we really feel, no matter how messed up it seemed.

It’s pretty hard to read, but believe me when I say, it was a billion times harder to write. Funny thing is, I did it without a single edit. Strange how a broken heart can say it all on the first draft.

Thanks, again, for being so patient these past several months, but as you’ll see from the following, it’s been pretty hard to muster up the strength or the time to write fun pieces about politics or angry shit about oil spills of late.

Also, I KNOW there are going to be the usual people out there who read this and want to tell me that this is not an appropriate forum with which to expose/spill all of the following. To them I say, this is MY website where I get to vent MY life and rants and thoughts. I certainly don’t intend for ANYONE to be offended by what they’re about to read, but it IS part of MY life and My healing. Besides, I know that as much as HE wants to read this letter, he won’t out of fear of what it says.

So, here is where I’ve been all this time…

06/09/10

Dear Seth,

I’ve been trying for months to come up with the right words to say to you regarding everything you’ve been doing over the past nine (+) months and, as a result of that, everything you’ve done. There are no easy ways of expressing my feelings without giving it to you straight and to the point.

So here goes…

I hate everything you have become. I hate everything you’ve done, not only to me but everybody else around you, including our animals. I think you became a very weak-minded person who decided it was easier to take advantage of me and our situation than to be the real man I KNEW you to be and resist bullshit temptation. Even you know that too much partying leads to bad things.

While I am very proud to have heard you actually use the word “inappropriate” to describe your behavior, it still pains me that you continue down that same road, even now knowing just HOW inappropriate you’re actions have been.

You started breaking up with me over a year ago and you still, to this day, won’t admit it to me. You mistakenly convince yourself that I am too fragile minded to handle even the simplest truth about what you’ve done. You underestimate me at every turn with every lie of omission. The truth of the matter is that you fell into a lifestyle that even YOU knew was wrong and immoral and yet you still want to live that way.

I knew when you cheated on me almost the very first time. Don’t keep denying it because I KNOW you did. What pains me most about that (other than I TRUSTED YOU and you KNEW it was wrong!!) is the fact that you just kept doing it. And the proof is out there…too many witnesses. I loved you, Seth. I trusted you implicitly. I trusted you with my life because you TOLD me I could. Then one day you decided what we were struggling to build together wasn’t worth it anymore. So you slowly but surely decided to begin to emotionally and physically move on away from me and US and never bothered to tell me about it. You actually thought I would never find out what you’d been doing. At least until you were good and gaw-damned ready to tell me. Wrong move.

I thought you loved me. I trusted every time you told me that. I BELIEVED YOU every time. Because of that, it wasn’t hard to notice when you began to not say it to me unless I said it to you. Then you just STOPPED saying it altogether. You stabbed the heart you were trusted with, Seth.

I knew a long time ago that you have always been impressed with people who knew people because if you got close to them, doors would open for you. Funny thing is, ever since you started down the path you are on now, just how close to those dreams ARE you now???

I KNEW what your attraction to Todd was (and I KNOW you were in love with him, which makes you a cheater there, too) and I KNEW that was why you never wanted me invited to ANYTHING you two ever did. And I DO know EVERYTHING you two did!!! You were wrong for doing that. Using him for personal gain. And you were wrong for treating me like I didn’t exist during that time.

Then there are all the guys you’ve been exchanging dic-pics and videos with since at LEAST early last year. You’re a piece of shit for doing that, because you KNEW it was wrong, but you decided what Daniel doesn’t know won’t hurt him. How fucking wrong you were. How fucking wrong you ARE!!

I know your guilt. I’ve been through this shit before and with assholes who were (to a point) MUCH better at covering the tracks of their lies and cheating. But I’m going to give you one gift here…I am going to confess something to YOU!! I have, in the ENTIRE TIME we were supposedly “together”, lied to you exactly ONE time.

I DID LOOK THROUGH YOUR PHONE!!! And after MUCH digging and MANY hours of scanning, discovered MANY things you were doing even BEFORE Todd came into the picture.

To this very day, I STILL cry about lying to you about that. Because I love you and yet I still broke one of my own rules…

1) NO CHEATING
2) NO LYING
3) NO FIGHTING (arguing is good – fighting isn’t)

But even you said it, you didn’t leave me any options because you were hanging FAR TOO MANY secrets over me and OUR lives. And yet…

Two wrongs do NOT make a right, and I do, with all my heart, owe you an apology for lying to you about that. And I truly AM sorry.

So many times since all of this started, Seth, I asked you “why??”.  Every time your answer was, “I don’t know.  I can’t seem to figure that out.  So I can’t give you a solid reason.”  And to this very day, you still won’t tell me why you threw a GOOD life away for whatever the hell you’re living now.  So once again, you get away with everything scott-free.

I never cheated on you.  I never lied to you.  I sacrificed EVERYTHING for you.  I made ALL of the concessions and sacrifices because I loved you.  I wouldn’t even allow you to walk to work (two blocks away) because I didn’t want you to have to walk.  Instead, I walked, and I work almost a mile down the street!!  In the heat.  In the rain.  I got hit by a GD car and STILL I walked so that YOU wouldn’t have to.  Many times, I walked because you took the truck overnight to “a friends’ house” and I was FORCED to walk to work because you never came home!!

So you had it pretty good here, Seth.  You had someone who devoted his LIFE to making yours better.  Someone who supported you and had your back NO MATTER WHAT!!  Someone who loved you unconditionally, with no strings attached, with no price tag, with no regret.  How many times and to how many people (including me) did you say, “I can’t possibly imagine not being with Daniel.  I KNOW that we were made for one another.  I love him with all my heart.”???  One month later, I find out that you’d been cheating on me.

As I said, I pretty much know what you were trying to gain by falling in love with Todd. You had a FEW similar interests and he had the POTENTIAL to introduce you to others you might see as possible windows of opportunity. Fine. I couldn’t provide you with that kind of life (YET), so you began falling in “love” with him. And I KNOW there was “stuff” going on between you two because NO FRIEND has THAT MANY SLEEPOVERS without sex. PERIOD!!

Okay, so there was the attraction to Todd. The other guys you’ve done or not done whatever with? I’ll just chalk that up to you being weak as shit and WAY too social!! But Patrick…!!

Now THIS is something I JUST DON’T FUCKING GET!!! And it’s probably because you DID completely break it off with me BECAUSE of him!!!! You can’t possibly deny what’s right there in front of both of us. YOU’RE WITH HIM!!! YOU LEFT ME TO BE WITH HIM!!! Just be fucking honest with both me AND yourself and admit that!!! I DON’T see the attraction. I don’t see the potential for ANYTHING long-term. Period!! So you fucking left me for a gaw-damned fucking fling. Then you fucking fell in love with him WHILE we were still (supposedly) together!! You’re a fucking callous, cowardly and cruel ASSHOLE for doing that and putting me through all the half-truths (if not outright LIES) for that period from October 17, 2009 until you finally HAD to tell me we were broken up!!! FUCK YOU FOR THAT!!! I deserved better than for YOU (of ALL people) to disrespect and take advantage of me AND OUR LOVE like that!!

Okay, I’ll give you the point…maybe you truly ARE in TRUE love with him. Good for you. I hope you both get what you both so richly deserve out of it. Honestly, I don’t think it’ll last the end of the year, but I’ve been wrong about everything else about you, so hey, congratulations.

Oh, and there are a few other items I have to pick at…you made many promises that you broke. Actually, you broke EVERY promise you ever made.

And this brings me to just WHY you made me write this letter. And I’m not even going into the red-headed Todd who swims naked in his pool, or the other black guys on this part. There just isn’t enough paper to print my feeling out about THAT shit.

It’s going to be in the form of a list, so perhaps that’ll make it easier for you to absorb.

Ready? Here goes…

1) All the “sleepovers” or “I just crashed over at a friends house”. – You had a home and AS a person in a relationship, it was your DUTY to resist any temptations and be responsible for your actions AND to CONSIDER your partners’ feelings IN those actions. You never did.


2) The pic/video exchanges. – No matter HOW YOU saw it EVER (like the one you sent to Vern that you explained away as “It was just a joke”…the same Vern who later attacked the truck with you in it because he felt that you had been leading him on!!), it was wrong EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU DID IT!!! And it WAS cheating!!!


3) All that time with Todd. – No matter what the “situations”, you made everything obvious by never having ONCE invited your CURRENT partner to a single get-together with just him and you. You made YOURSELF look guilty with that, and EVERYONE said so. It made me feel that, Todd being the kind of person that I know him to be, you MUST have made him believe that you and I were either an “open relationship”, or separated, or really close friends or whatever. I just doubt he would have taken it so far had he known the TRUTH about us. Correct me if I’m wrong.


4) Your involvement with your CURRENT lover (since day-one). – You began that shit WHILE we were still together and I KNEW you were screwing around with him. From that one night we were on our way home from the bar and you blurted out to me, “Oh and I’m also into black guys.” Never ONCE did you ever even INTIMATE to me in four fucking YEARS anything like that. And DON’T hand me any sense of prejudice shit, either. I love ALL people (unless their fat, retarded, idiots or CHEATERS). I am not prejudice at all. My sexual PREFERENCE is to white guys, but that AIN’T not prejudice. So your fucking (or getting!!!) HIM has no relevance to race. It’s just that when you blurted that shit out to me in the truck, I KNEW you were starting something with him and it just fucking killed me inside. Because the way you were acting with THIS one showed me that you DID fall in love with him and you DID lie to me about IT AND when it started and how you felt about me.

5) During that eight months since you started seeing Patrick, you were lying to me.  You kept telling me everything was going to be ok.  Every time I asked you if you were sleeping with someone else, you’d get mad and tell me NO.  But I knew.  I knew because that person TOLD other people, who told me.  Other people SAW you two together AS a couple.  And all the while, you would try to reassure me that all was well with you and I and to stop worrying about it.  You kept blaming you mood swings (emotional distance) on your history of bouts of depression.  And like the true idiot I was, (knowing the TRUTH) I defended that lie with anyone who asked what was wrong with you.  Maybe you WERE depressed…but I think it was more guilt, though I doubt you acknowledged it as such.  One minute you’d be defending yourself and reassuring me that we, AS A COUPLE, and our relationship was FINE…the next you were telling EVERYONE ELSE that we had already broken up.  You did that FOR EIGHT MONTHS!!  Then when I finally MADE you own up to whether or not we, in fact, WERE OR WERE NOT still a couple, you finally had to tell the truth.  But even THEN, you kept telling me for two MORE months, that you just needed to get through this phase and for me to hold in there because you were doing all of this (CHEATING???) for US.  To fix what was wrong with US.  You told me that you had “lost feelings” for me, but when I asked what feelings, you said you didn’t know.  When you told me you just didn’t know how to appreciate me anymore, I asked WHY.  You had no answer.  You told me we would get back together on the 1st of June if you hadn’t figured out what your problems were by then.  You said that you’d see a psychologist because you had too many internal issues.  None of that ever happened.  You were either placating me…or outright LYING.

All the acts of a weak and intentionally or unintentionally cruel person. AND I KNOW THAT ISN’T REALLY THE TRUE SETH DANIEL LOWE!!!! So stop trying to convince me that that IS how you are!! That’s fucking bullshit!!!

Now it’s time to refresh your memory as to the things you SAID to me that broke my heart each and EVERY time you were proven to be lying, either to me, to yourself or to both of us. And I know how you HATE having your own words thrown back in your face, Seth, but how are you EVER going to learn what NOT to do until someone points out the shit you say that holds no water at the TIME you say it? From the time all this shit started, here’s how you hurt me…in pretty much the order you said and did them…

1) “NONE of this is so that i can sleep with other people or fuck around.” (how’d that work out?)
2) “I’m not going to fall in love with anyone else but you.” (and don’t keep saying it’s not like you PLANNED to…it still turned out to be untrue!!)
3) “We’re not breaking up, I swear. It’s just a hiatus so that I can get over the shit in my head that’s distracting me from US.” (not long after you said this to me, I found out several of your “distractions”.)
4) “We need to try a trial or partial separation. I think that will help me out a lot.” (you made this all about you.)
5) “No, you haven’t done ANYTHING wrong. You’ve been the PERFECT person for me and in ALL the world, you ARE the one person FOR me!!” (you not only said that to me, but to several other people as well. and you wonder why I and everyone else are so fucking shocked about you, soon after, leaving me for Patrick or anyone else???)
6) (to several people) “I resent Daniel because he isn’t working two jobs like I have to do. I can’t keep CARRYING us like this!!!” (I fucking HATE you for that one, Seth!!! We BOTH made the same amount of $$ per month, but I didn’t HAVE to have two jobs to do it!!)
7) “Hiatus and Separation and Break-up all mean the same thing!!!” (no, they fucking don’t!!)
8) “I’m only doing this so that I can get my head together so that we can be what we were.” (do you even remember what we were, Seth?)
9) (after the truth about Patrick came out) “You have to let me go through this. I’m doing this for US.” (no, at this point, you were only thinking with your dick!!!)
10) (soon after that) “You need to try to get yourself together and get over it. You have to be strong.” (no way in HELL to be strong when you spent eight months knocking me down emotionally, ending in you dumping me for HIM!!!)
11) (after you admitted to having sex with Patrick for weeks) “I PROMISE I will end it. No more sex with him. I will stop seeing him completely.  I promise.” (that very night, you spent the night with him and didn’t come home until almost noon the next day.)
12) “Just give me until June 1st. If I haven’t fixed my shit by then, I’ll leave him and we will get back together and find ANOTHER way to solve my issues.” (I knew THAT was bullshit the second you said it)
13) “You don’t think I’m suffering, too???” (at his house…in his arms…yeah, boohoo!!)
14) “It’s NOT my fault you don’t have any friends!! You should have been more social!!” (you mean the way YOU were? No thanks!! I still HAVE my morals. Besides, I was too busy WORKING and SAVING and keeping us afloat while you went out every night spending money!!  And MY friends don’t come with a price tag of “sleep with me or we can’t be friends”) (speaking of morals, see #16)
15) “I know you’re ‘frustrated’. Just go to the computer and “TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS”, then go to bed.” (so easy for the guy who was cheating on me at the time to say)
16) (referring to pending lawsuit settlement) “I only asked if you were going to give me any of that money NOT for the money itself, but because if you had said NO, then I would know your morals had changed.” (who the fuck are YOU to talk to ANYONE, ESPECIALLY ME, about questionable morals??? you cheated on me and lied about it for eight months!!!)

Now, I know what you’ve probably been thinking while reading this. Those same questions are racing through your head:
“Why the fuck didn’t he ever say any of this shit to me before?”
“Where is all of this coming from?”
“Who told him what?”
“Why won’t he ever tell me who said shit about me?”
“What does he really know, and what HASN’T he told me?”

Just keep in mind, Seth, even THROUGH all of this – and it has been torture like you would never comprehend, thanks to you – I will never reveal sources. Mostly because they aren’t always people you talk to every day. But you know each and every one of them and they ALSO know and love you!! Their concerns voiced and pointed out (sometimes in graphic detail) were out of concern FOR you…AND US!!! And I choose not to reveal those names. I don’t have to. Not until you come clean with me on all the names and THINGS you have done since day one. And please, I am a VERY SMART MAN who KNOWS that some things CAN be unintentionally blown out of proportion or lost in translation. I AM smart enough to know that, Seth. But I think what makes you mad is that you know that I KNOW that even fairy tales have SOME basis in truth. Meaning at LEAST 90% of what I know IS true.

Time now to tell you something about the here and now. Believe it or not, this might actually make you even more angry at me than what you’ve read so far, but at this point, I don’t care.

I LOVE YOU, SETH DANIEL LOWE!!!

I want you to get your fucking shit together and fucking LEAVE THAT GUY!!! It’s time to fucking grow the fuck up and realize that you had a FUTURE with US. Your insatiable NEED for social acceptance should NEVER have led you to simply throw US AND OURT LOVE AND OUR HISTORY AWAY!!! I am nobody’s gaw-damned Kleenex, Seth and you treated me JUST like one. I want you to give US another try, because that’s what’s SUPPOSED to happen!!! You WERE right about a few things, Seth, and one of those things was that WE ARE made for one another!!

I’ll bet you’re wondering how I can say that in light of everything that’s happened. Because I believe in second chances. I believe in FIGHTING FOR THE ONE I LOVE!! I believe in YOU!!! And I REFUSE to believe you just don’t fucking love me anymore!!! NO WAY my Seffy can be that heartless!!! Just simply no fucking way.

Will I ever be able to forget all that has happened? Probably not. But ONLY because that, too, is now part of my (or our) history. And our history is what makes all of us who we are.

Will I ever forgive? Oh yes. Because that’s what true love really means. When you decide to give the other a second chance, it MUST be with the caveat that there can be NO lording the past over the other person…not even in times of stress or anger. I know this, Seth, because as much of a bitch as I am, I have a heart and I have a brain. So I could nor WOULD NEVER use the past as a weapon against you. I want you back and that means leaving the emotional baggage behind. It isn’t needed or WELCOME on this JOURNEY.

Do you remember what I said to you about how life CAN NOT BE about the destination, but what matters is the journey the two of us are on? It’s still fucking true.

I want you back, Seth. I know that you will say no. I know that you have looked at me in the past as some messy sappy queer who just refuses to get over shit. You would be wrong about that, too. You may have lost sight of what it truly means to be in TRUE love during this period…but I haven’t.

To the contrary, all of this has shown me even more of an appreciation for love, life, those around me, OUR animals, and ESPECIALLY you!!!

Funny thing…I never lost MY appreciation for YOU. I never lost feelings for YOU. I NEVER RESENTED YOU.

Not once. Not though all of this. Not even now.

And no, I DON’T need therapy!! I truly DO know just how much I feel for you and WHY I feel it and whom I love. I am now, and have been throughout all of this (to one extent or another) fully in charge of my faculties and feelings and emotions. You may still OWN my heart, but I truly know what’s in it.

I know that what I’m demanding of you isn’t easy for you. I understand that, unlike for me, you
probably can’t just shut off your feelings for him. I even know that I’m just probably pissing in the wind. But I also KNOW what I truly, madly, deeply feel and I, unlike you, refuse to ignore MY feelings anymore.

You told me at one point I should try being and living single, maybe as a way of dealing with what I feel about you. Yeah, probably. But there’s one thing you keep forgetting, Seth…

I’ve been practically single and recently LIVING single for eight months now!! And I’ve been through hell and back when it comes to all of the emotions that came with that realization. I think that in your mind, I haven’t given myself time or the chance to let go and move on and heal. Not true. I have tried for MONTHS (through each lonely day and night) to see things AS a single person, because that is exactly what you MADE me when you started all of this. Yes, it’s been so very hard trying to convince myself that I’m not in love with you anymore (as I know you haven’t been in love with me for a long time). I’ve gone out, socialized, (more than you know) made some new friends and made connections not only to some nice high-up people, but also to a group of people who share my experiences.

In a way, that helped me get through the horrid range of emotions that you caused me to go through…mostly alone. And that’s the key word here, Seth…you basically made me go through it all alone. Sure, when you WERE here, we’d talk and you’d do your best to talk me down from whatever emotional ledge I happened to be on that particular day. But then you’d just leave.

And that hurt so much.

But I still think I deserve to be with you. I DO think you ARE ready and DO deserve to be with ME.

If, however, you just flat out and HONESTLY tell me that you CAN’T EVER be in love with me, please just tell me.

Just one more question, Seth…please, Honey, PLEASE, just tell me WHY you DID all of this. The REAL reason(s). No more placating or omissions. Just the truth. Said to…

Your friend…Me (Daniel)

Posted in Bad Advice Meant Well, Common Sense, GLBT, Life, Our Writings, Today's Rant | Leave a Comment »

The Season Of Giving Cutbacks

Posted by Daniel on December 21, 2009

PhotobucketEvery year it seems we are all faced with harder decisions when it comes to the holidays. And for those of you who STILL think the recession doesn’t reach every nook and cranny of society, just check out your shopping lists and address books. Tell me both aren’t being whittled down a little each year.

Tell me that someone who, (in an otherwise better economy, normally pisses you off and yet still gets a Christmas card from you,) hasn’t been ceremonially axed from this years mailing list. Where last year you had to buy three boxes of cards to mail out, this year you put one box back on the shelf telling yourself, “Ah, I see them every day, I’ll just tell them it was mailed.”

You try to reconcile this in your head by convincing yourself that due to recent household cutbacks, your stamp budget has suffered and you have to make that one book of stamps really count this year.

Same goes for gift-giving. You really want to shop for everyone in your life…family, friends, co-workers, street-walkers, prison pen pals, etc. Unfortunately, over the past few years the current economy has given rise to all of us having to really put everyone and our relationships WITH them under the holiday microscope. It is now when we really weigh out the value of this friends’ loyalty or that siblings’ unwillingness to share her recipe for “Flaming Figgy Pudding”.

That’s when you begin to notice your adventures in holiday shopping are getting shorter and less harried.

And you tell yourself:

Self: “So what? Carl and I have known one another since first grade. We’ve been through every part of one anothers’ lives and have always been there for each other. He knows I’d give my life for him. A REAL friend would already KNOW we’re friends and not EXPECT a gift as a reward. Besides, I didn’t get shit from that asshole last year…not even a card. Hey, come to think of it, he forgot my birthday, too. And he’s hinting that he wants a new fishing pole??? What kind of nerve is that?!?! Some friend!! He isn’t getting shit from me!!! I wouldn’t piss on that asshole if he were on fire!! I hate him!!!”

Wife: “Honey, we just got a Christmas card from Carl and June. Awww…it’s so sweet.”

Self: “Fine, we’ll get them a gift card and mail it to them…but I’m wiping my ass with the stamp!!!!”

Okay…so maybe all of that is just me.

But we have noticed that the economic downturn HAS played a huge role in our Christmas experience.

I know…I know!!!  Christmas is supposed to be a holiday of the heart and the season of love, peace and goodwill towards all men.

Well, in THAT case, we hope all of you enjoy the “presents” we are sending you with our hearts and minds.

Posted in Family, Friends, Holiday Fun, Life, Our Writings | 2 Comments »

Nancy(boy) Drew & the Case of the Whatcoulddabeens

Posted by Daniel on November 4, 2009

It was an unusually sultry day, yesterday, the gentle breeze saturated with the scent of magnolia and a transient who brushed up against me in a downtown parking garage.

The day had started off pretty much as any other…

  • Cat & Dog on their usual morning tear through the house.
  • Delivery man ringing doorbell (not the cute one, but she was rather burly and strong).
  • Seth off on another assignment of school photography.
  • Lifetime Network showing (but muted) in the background showing yet another movie about women who hate men but need them around to breed.

In short I was enjoying a very hard-earned day off and, even though it was filled with chores, I was still relaxed.

Then it came.

The call that every spouse fears.

ring-ring…ring-ring…(yeah, my ringtone is that of a London flat)

“Hello?”

“I have a collect call from Seth Lowe. Will you accept?”

“Um, Yeah…Okay.”

I already assume one of two things has occurred…either Seth has somehow magically turned up in a place that still HAS pay phones, OR he’s ended up in jail for some reason. And the voice on the other end of the line didn’t sound at all like someone from Alaska.

“Daniel?”

“Yes. OMG (I actually spelt that out on the phone), what’s happening? Why are you there? What did you do?”

“Do you remember that speeding ticket I got a couple of months ago?”

“You mean the little “gift” you got on my birthday? Yeah, what about it?”

“Well, I was supposed to have paid it but I totally forgot about it. So here I am.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?!?! They put you in jail for forgetting to pay a ticket? Wasn’t the due date yesterday? And you’re already in jail???”

“I’m sorry, honey.”

“What do I need to do? Okay, I’ll be right down there.”

So off I go.

Well, not right away. First I had to bake an appropriate cake with a nail file in it.

Nail File Cake

So after driving around for thirty minutes trying to find a parking space, I end up in an underground parking garage where I think half of the cities’ transient population have set up residence. And judging from the smell, they’ve been there a while.

Up I go to the jail and, after a thorough (and, might I add, thrilling?) body search, I’m escorted in to the visitors’ room. A small cubicle with one metal chair, an old-time phone and a sheet of thick plexiglass.

There, on the other side of the glass, was a forlorn looking Seth. Even though he’d only been in there for 2 hours, the time had not been good to him. He did, however, perk up when he saw the gift basket I’d thoughtfully put together for him with, what I thought were some items he’d need for the hard time he was facing. Hard time meaning the time it took me to walk to the bail window (after our visit) to post for his release.

The basket included:

  • Soap-on-a-Rope
  • Cigarettes (I hear they’re like money in there)
  • Knee Pads
  • Altoids (fresh breath couldn’t hurt)
  • 400 count Egyptian Cotton Sheet Set
  • Plush bath towel (one end says “Butt” – one end says “Face)
  • Bath Beads
  • Pumpkin-scented Diffuser (I also left one in the downstairs parking garage)

During our conversation I told him that I would have him out of there very soon, but to be brave in the mean time.

Incidentally, I don’t know if any of you have ever had to speak into those phones before, but does EVERYONE who uses them eat 24 sticks of Slim Jim’s jerky?  It took three squirts of my travel-sized Coco Chanel just to be able to speak into it.

I did everything I could during our visit to lift Seth’s spirits, but he was just too depressed.  But I did notice a rather familiar twinkle in his eyes which told me he had been in there too long and needed a little…um…T&A show.  You know, to remind him of what he was missing by being stuck in the big house.

Well, ever the dutiful husband, I relented.  At first I thought the Screws (that is what they call the guards, isn’t it?) would stop me, but they just sort of ignored us.  I suppose they see this kind of thing every day.

So after I sanitized both the table and glass in front of me with a handy moist towelette I always keep on hand for just such an emergency (really??), I proceeded to climb up onto the table to give him what he needed to see.

He wanted to see “the goods”…so that’s what I gave him…

Okay...so I've put on a few extra pounds!!!

Obviously I’ve put on a few extra pounds, but hey, marriage does that to people, right?

I must say, I managed to put on quite a good show for him.  All pressed up against the plexiglass…the occasional squeak and squeal as the Twins slide (like mud) down the glass.  I tried to throw in a few lip-lickings for good measure.  All the while I was humming M.C. Hammers’ “Can’t Touch This”.

Seth handled it like a trooper.  Well, at least he maintained a stiff upper lip.  That is until he violently began to throw up onto his side of the glass (another explanation of the smell on those phones).  From the looks of it, this was caused by the rather distasteful look of the bologna sandwiches he was served for what they laughingly must have called lunch.

As you might have guessed, this sort of put me out of the mood to be all sexy, so I climbed down from the table, pulled my tube top back up from around my waist and tried to show a little poise.  Such that could be in surroundings such as these.

I’ll bet the guards were glad this wasn’t a conjugal visit.

After all of this, our visit was over.  So I headed over to the bail office and had my man freed.  Seth bid farewell to his new friends and then we headed home.

On the way, I filled him in on all the things that had changed in the world since his incarceration.  Three seconds later, we pulled into his favorite eating establishment (Burger King) so that he could have his first free-world meal…it had, after all, been hours since his last one.

He’s doing pretty good now and acclimating nicely to his new-found freedom.

(FYI: None of the above was true.  Actually Seth forgot to pay his ticket, so we went down and he got an extension to pay until 12/11/09.  But we DID worry that it could have been worse.)

Posted in Just For Fun, Our Writings | Tagged: , , | 3 Comments »

What Does Your Doormat Say About You?

Posted by Daniel on August 12, 2009

Watching the news lately has been taxing, not to mention frustrating.

It does, however, prove that there really are a lot more stupid people in this country than I had ever imagined.

And by “stupid” I mean…

  • Ignorant
  • Prejudiced
  • Racist
  • Weak-Minded
  • Suspender-Wearing
  • Clod-Hopping
  • Robot-Fearing

…and there are so many more adjectives I could throw out there, but that would just be overkill.

This whole Healthcare Reform issue is a great example. It really says a lot about how dumb people here are when they will scream at the top of their tobacco-blocked lungs how they don’t want government getting involved in their healthcare…all the while they are enjoying the benefits of Medicare/Medicaid/VA.

I say if you want to spout out such ridiculous proof of your 3rd grade edumacashun, then you should also be DENIED Medicare!!! But then you’d bitch about losing your God-given right to government-provided healthcare.

I swear, those of you wanting to regurgitate the utterly fucked up bumper sticker tag lines handed down to you by your God-fearing Representatives/Senators deserve exactly what you are bitching about…no benefits from the government whatsoever!!! Seriously, you think the government should stay out of your life and not put it’s finger in your personal peanut butter jar?

Fine.

Better & Cleaner Than The "Death Panels"

Better & Cleaner Than The "Death Panels"

Then send your name to Washington so that they can boot your ignorant ass out of ANYTHING provided to your hypocritical ass BY the government. This includes your healthcare, your Marriage Rights/Benefits, etc.

Maybe YOU should all take your weak-minded society-sucking behinds TO those made-up “Death Panels” and really put them to some good use.

This all kind of reminds me of our current search for the perfect new doormat.

(go with me on this…)

Seth and I have been trying to find something appropriate to put outside the front door.  And us being the way we are, we want it to practically SCREAM “us”.  I thought this would be a relatively simple task, considering we are pretty “simple” people (okay, so when some people called us that, they may have meant that in a different way than I would have).

At first, I wanted something bordering on tasteful and a smidge formal.  It’s the latent pretension in me, I suppose.  I mean, who doesn’t want those standing outside their front door (leaning heavily on the overworked doorbell) to know they are visiting class and taste?

But then Seth reminded me of just how weird we truly are and that that, in itself, called for something more befitting our strangeness and insanity.  He has a point, after all…we DID name our dog “Kitty” and our cat “Puppy”.

He really has his heart set on one that says “Go Away”.  Ironic, considering how much he wants more people to visit.

I think I have found one that – taking into account our modest-yet-lived-in furnishings (not to mention our limited mental capacity) – pretty much sums it all up.

What do you think…..?

If you've ever visited, you'd know it's true.

If you've ever visited, you'd know it's true.

So, you’re probably wondering what all of this has to do with the current healthcare debate, right?

Well to me (and keep in mind, I’m kinda messed up) it reminds me of how a lot of politicians pick and choose certain words/sound bites that they know will appeal to certain kinds of people.  They know they have no tangible argument to support their condemnation of an issue (such as healthcare reform, gay marriage, social security to name a few) and also have absolutely no alternative ideas.  So they look out to their waeker-minded constituents and hand them some fancified words that will scare them into a frenzy…even if what they are being fed is untrue and irrelevant.

These politicians send their minions out door-to-door and there is one little bit of data they collect that I’ll bet you never thought of.

That’s right…their doormats.

Here’s what stands out to them:

“God Bless America”

“Wipe Your Paws”

“Home Sweet Home”

“Welcome” (the “W” is four times larger than the rest of the word)

Anything Sports-Related or with a Cross-Stitch Needlework Pattern

These people tend to be (percentage-wise) more Republican/Conservative-leaning and yes, this data is collected and retained.  These folks are also more likely to spread any unfounded rumors (many times unwittingly) that are shoved into their heads, either at their front door, in the mail, at the pizza parlor, church, etc.

It’s true.

Don’t believe me?

I WANT YOUR MEDICARE!!!!!

I WANT YOUR MEDICARE!!!!!

Just go up to any home with elderly people who have a “God Lives In My Garden” doormat and tell them the government is going to put ROBOTS in charge of their Medicare and watch them poop dust.

So when I watch the news and see yet another kookie wild-blonde-haired old lady asking another Democratic Senator or Representative, “Do you read the Qur’an?”, it just shows me the Republicans/Conservatives/Pharma/Health Insurance Industry has found yet-another cat hair-covered doormat to belch out their rhetoric for them.

And they will stop at nothing in order to wipe their feet on the rest of us.

Oh, and by the way, here’s the doormat I actually picked out for OUR doorstep…

Yeah, just like us, it's reversable.

Yeah, just like us, it's reversable.

Depends on your view…

This pleases Seth.

This pleases Seth.

Posted in Common Sense, Life, Our Writings, Politics, Today's Rant | Tagged: , , | 2 Comments »

Do I Have A Case?

Posted by Daniel on July 10, 2009

Okay, so many of you know from recent posts that I have put in my 2-week notice and we are getting everything ready for the move coming this Sunday.

A scary leap, to be sure, but one that we decided was for the best overall.  Keeping the current economy and, by extension, the utter lack of viable jobs available, we really had to pick between the lesser of two evils…

  1. Continue working for a man who refuses to pay me on time – sometimes up to a week or more past scheduled pay days.  Who also screams at the top of his lungs in rage fits about things that have absolutely nothing to do with work.  Who also both calls me, other employees and all the tenants horrible names (fag, the n-word, pigs, etc.).
  2. Get out of this stress-filled hostile environment and trade it for the stress of finding and gaining employment anywhere else, hopefully soon.

It’s a pretty icky choice no matter which way we turn.  And I’ve had a lot of people tell me I’m insane to leave even a late-paying hostile job in these hard times.  Ordinarily I would wholeheartedly agree with that, however there is also the fact that I want to get Seth and I out of both this hostility as well as this horrid neighborhood where we aren’t even safe walking down the street to the store or taking a walk anywhere.  Seriously, there is rarely a night we don’t hear gunshots and see helicopters circling around overhead.

Besides, I think I might have a pretty strong case of discrimination and/or harassment against this man for the whole “fag” incident.  I hear that California law really frowns on that sort of stuff.  Not to mention the labor laws here that say that for every day your employer is late in paying you beyond your scheduled pay date, it’s an extra $100 per day they have to pay you.  This last pay period I was supposed to be paid on the 1st (I am salary and my pay dates are the 1st & 15th of each month, according to my contract) and he held on to my check until the 6th.  He does this every time.

Ever since he found out that I became aware of the “fag” comment and subsequently submitted my 2-week notice, he was doing everything he could to make me change my mind.  Even going so far as to have his accountant (who actually used the f-word about me to him and he didn’t even so much as reprimand her for it) try to convince me not to quit.

I think he knows how serious this situation really is and how potentially damaging to him it could be.  So he thinks if I change my mind (which will never happen) and stay, then the heat is off of him.

Whatever the outcome, I just want to get us the hell out of here and on a fresh track.  We had a very hard time getting on our feet when we moved here last year, so at least we know what to expect this time.  And we are ready for that.  Like I told Seth, I will get a job picking up dog poop in the park if I have to.  I have never shied away from work and refuse to pass up any occupational opportunity.

But what do you think?

Do I have a case?

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Posted in Life, Our Writings, Work | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments »

2-Week Notice

Posted by Daniel on July 2, 2009

Photobucket
This morning, my employer will walk into the office and find a letter from me informing him that I am putting in my two-week notice.

Yeah, that’s a pretty heavy thing to do, I know.  Not to mention scary and risky in these uncertain economic times.

Trust me when I say that Seth and I have talked long and hard about this and have weighed out all the options from all angles.  We have debated the pro’s & con’s over and over until we were blue in the face.

And we’ve decided it’s time to get away from this place.  You can read the straw that broke the camel’s back below, then tell me how stupid we are:

07/01/2009

To: NAME REDACTEDPhotobucket
Re: 2-Week Notice

Dear Sir:

This letter is to serve as my 2-week notice of intent to terminate my employment here at Villa Hermosa.  My last day will be Wednesday, July 15, 2009.

While I loved working here and feel that I learned quite a lot in a relatively short time, I feel for the past month or so that there has been too much dishonesty and tension from you and your accountant in this office.  Another reason is the fact that you refuse to ever pay me on time, sometimes making me wait weeks after every payday to be paid.  Today I found out (from your accountant Renae) that your accountant, Renae, was talking to you about me and referred to me as a “Fag”.  Her words were, “I can’t work with this fag!!”.  This by her own admission.  By her still being employed here and not even reprimanded by you for this, I cannot help but feel that this form of discrimination and harassment is also acceptable to you.  None of this is conducive to a healthy work environment and continues to take our focus off of the bigger picture…that being the care and maintenance of the property as well as the concerns of you and the tenants.

I wish you all the best in your future endeavors, as well as the best of luck with your current staff.

Many thanks for the opportunity to work beside you and to learn all that I have learned, and I hope that I was able to contribute some good to the properties as a whole.

Sincerely,

SIGNATURE

Daniel L. Anderson
Agent/Property Manager
Villa Hermosa Apts.
(559) ***-9609
(559) ***-8918 – fax

Okay, it was a bit on the “wordy” side, I know, but I felt given the circumstances, he should know just what kind of a pickle he and his new sleep partner (oops, did I forget to mention that???) have now put themselves in.

Photobucket
Funny thing about California…they take this kind of treatment very seriously.

So although I will be soon looking for employment and that possibly lenghthy process scares the shit out of me, we are both still very glad to be soon leaving this place and this man.

Thoughts?

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Posted in GLBT, Life, Our Writings, Today's Rant | Tagged: , , , , , , | 7 Comments »

Lessons To Learn

Posted by Daniel on June 26, 2009

You know, I’ve heard so much about how gay people just want to make everyone else gay.

Well, first off, I would hope the hell NOT!!!  Because, and forgive the brutal honesty, most of you hetero’s out there just don’t have the looks or style to carry off such a trait.  And your taste in fashion and furniture… peeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuuuwwwwwwwww!!!

Besides, I would hate for you to have to go through the schooling WE had to contend with.  I mean really…I had to re-take “LUBE-101″ twice before I could move on to the next course…which was NO elective…”Moisturizing and Products”.

Just take a gay-ander at this:

This ain’t no Romper Room, bitches!!!

Oh, and then there were the required toys that we had to play with:

Then, before we graduate, we have to go through the finals:

And then we have to try being Jocks:

Then we get all gussied up and have a parade:

And lets not forget when we finally pair up and start nesting:

(Just a note…we don’t usually keep a German soundtrack playing in our house, nor do we break into interpretive dance when there is a grease fire in the kitchen.  And who the fuck designed “Christopher”???)

Wanna argue against gay Marriage?…:

So watch out, America…we’re out to turn you around.

And you’d better hope that’s the ONLY way we turn you!!!

😉

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Posted in Common Sense, GLBT, Just For Fun, Our Writings | Tagged: , , , | 2 Comments »