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Click The Pic…Buy A Ticket!!!

Posted by Daniel on July 4, 2013

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PRESENTS

Click HERE For Tickets!!!

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As Your Friend, I Should tell You…

Posted by Daniel on April 1, 2013

Time to talk like an adult.

Real friends don’t look at you and say, “You chose these friends over us.”
In grownup land, we don’t actually choose. We don’t have to. In life, we add to our circle of friends. That’s what happens when you venture out of the house…you meet more people. Some of your friends don’t all live in the same areas. So you TRY to balance out the talks and visits. Plans sometimes get crossed, or even changed.  It happens.   But you don’t really think of it as, “Hmmm…I like these people more than these, so i’m just gonna stop talking to this group entirely.”

I bring this up because I’ve been faced with a very precarious decision.  Do I try to somehow amend the hurt feelings of a few people who I’ve always counted as my friends?  Or do I tell them to grow the fuck up and learn that just because they FEEL slighted and ignored, that isn’t necessarily the case.  Now, I’m a little heated at the moment because I just had my apology for an absence turned into what amounts to a “fuck you…go on with your happy life with your new friends…we’re good”.  In this heated moment, I’m tempted to grant that wish.

I’m guilty of spending time with friends who don’t live in the same city as I or some of my other friends do.  It’s true, I prefer that city over this one simply because the air is cleaner (and my allergies love that), there is FAR more to do up there and the people up there are, for the most part, drama-free.  Not that my friends here in this town are more drama-ridden.  Not wanting to imply that at all.  I’ve just seen them as busier and not as accessible lately. I’ll send a text asking what’s up and depending on the response (if there actually is one), that will tell me what’s happening here.   No biggie, I’ve formed no opinion about that other than, “Eh, they’re busy.  Hmmm…wonder what’s happening up North?”  Quite literally, that’s about as much thought as I actually put into it.

I have, just today, been informed that I, for all intents and purposes, am a gigantic asshole who chose one group of friends over those here in Fresno.  Not true.  Since January, I can see the texts (all 5 of them) from one of you who responded to my texts with absolutely no obvious interest.  Again, no biggie.  Sorry to bother ya.  But where (since December) is one single text FROM you (actually, ANY of you) initiating anything even remotely resembling even the faintest conversation?  So when you tell me “All of us are thinking this…I’m just the only one willing to step up and say it to you”, you’ve just said far more than you expected.

Friendships work when everyone understands all the variables.  I’m always conscious of the fact that my friends can be, and occasionally are, busy or tied up.  They have their reasons.  If they are coupled, there’s always that.  Or they’re working, have other plans, whatever.  I understand these things.  Even when I don’t hear from them, I’m not assuming they’ve dropped or deleted me from their life.  I figure when they text me, they text me.  No biggie.

I guess I just have a problem when I’m not afforded the same patience.  Things come up.  I have work, school, extra classes, MORE work, and other things that come into my life.  Not the least of which is trying like hell to cultivate a long overdue (and highly fought for) dating situation.  But I have no intentions of intentionally avoiding local friends or deleting anyone from my life.  I don’t work that way.  I’m all too happy to admit, I am just as capable of screwing up and occasionally making friends feel (unintentionally) neglected or left out as anyone else.  But again, that isn’t intentional or what I’m actually wanting.  That’s friendship…it can be screwed up here and there, but we know our friends are still there for us no matter what.

I love ALL of my friends.  I don’t play favorites or dump one for another.  I don’t judge them for their silence or their having lives.  But I know they are there for me, and that means everything.  I just want them to all understand it works both ways.  If you want to talk, text or call or come by!!  Don’t wait three months and then be mad when something pops up and plans change.  That’s life.  I accept it when you have to change plans.  Why is it worse when I have to?

I’m not trying in any way to insult, demean or rub your nose(s) in your hurt feelings.  Quite the opposite, actually.  I’m sorry plans changed and I screwed up by not letting you know at that moment.  But it doesn’t mean those plans were more important than YOU…just unavoidable.

So again, we’re all adults here and as such, we deserve to show one another a bit more patience and understanding.  I promise to try to do better as your friend…will you?

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Um…Thanks?

Posted by Daniel on September 5, 2012

This is arguably the best half-assed kinda-sorta bittersweet acidic compliment I’ve possibly never gotten. Ever. Thank you, Amy. 🙂

Dear Douchey-Douche,

I am glad that you had such a great birthday weekend (and that I got to spend some of it with you) because I’m really not sure there’s anyone who deserves it more than you.

You have become one of my closest friends (and I’m pretty sure neither of us thought that was going to happen when we first met 😉 and I appreciate all you’ve done and continue to do for me. You have knowledgeable advice and yet still know when to just shut the fuck up and listen 🙂

You keep me in constant supply of a “thicker skin” (because well, let’s face it, sometimes you’re a dick 🙂 and you accept the verbal abuse right back. We’ve seen each other at our worst and yet we’re both still here and that’s more than I can say for a lot of people I know.

I hope to spend many more birthday weekends in your presence because… well, let’s face it, people like you don’t DIE, they just pickle and live on for years to come so I might as well just embrace it rather than fight it 🙂

You better screen shot this post… because this might be the only time I say such (semi)nice things to you 🙂

Happy Birthday Gramps 🙂
*insert creepy arm squeeze*

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Silent No More

Posted by Daniel on August 30, 2012

It’s Time We Were ALL Heard

Send us your NOH8 pic and we’ll post it here!

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Ugly Is As Ugly Does

Posted by Daniel on December 7, 2011

Gay-On-Gay Hypocracy is So gay!!!

Something happened earlier last week that really got me thinking…and really got me riled up.

I was standing outside waiting for class to begin and there were a couple of people standing rather close to me.  Since they were so close, I couldn’t help but overhear part…okay most of what they were talking about.  Mind you, I don’t generally make it a habit to eavesdrop on others, but as it happens, these two were putting a lot of heavy emphasis on their S’s.  So much so, in fact, that I had to look down at the ground to make sure I hadn’t stumbled into a snake pit.  But I digress…

From what I could make out, they were talking about WORLD HIV/AIDS DAY.  I couldn’t help but think that it was nice to know others are, in fact, aware of this event.

Well……

As it turns out, their discussion quickly turned to them talking about previous friends of theirs who, it was at some point discovered, turned out to be HIV+.  I think that, statistically speaking, we all probably know one or two people who are living with HIV or has passed away from it.

Their discussion, however, turned ugly…

Prissy 1:  “Do you remember Emmy?”

Prissy 2:  “What ever happened to her?  I thought you two were friends forever.”

Prissy 1:  “You know she’s poisoned, right?”

Prissy 2:  “Shut the fuck up!!!  I KNEW it!!!  Is she dead now?”

Prissy 1:  “I don’t know.  She kept getting all sick so I kicked her out.  Once they’re poisoned, they’re disposable.”

Okay, now picture me leaning in to hear, so as not to take them out of context so that when I verbally stomp a mudhole in them I won’t be unjustified.

So I learned that people with HIV are referred to as “poisoned” or “poisonous”, and the word “disposables” was also used.

This reminded me of the summer my (now) ex and I moved here from Missouri.  We met a group of people on the lake and really had a great time with them.  They all seemed pretty cool, until, that is, the conversation – for some reason – turned to a person they knew who turned out to be HIV positive.  This conversation went pretty much just like the one above.  They were talking about how that person “came out” with the news of his HIV status and these people, quite simply, shunned them for it.  We tried to press them further because we couldn’t imaging that people here in California – GAY people here in California at that – could be so damned uneducated, intolerant and cruel.  Long story short, they made it clear that the ONLY reason this person wasn’t their friend anymore was because he was now HIV positive.

Until today, I really thought that this was an isolated incident of intolerance by a relatively small group of drunken idiots.  Obviously not the case.

That we could be on the tail end of the year 2011 and in what is arguably considered one of the most progressive states in the union, and you can still hear people ostracizing victims of a horrible affliction, quite simply baffles and sickens me.

I’ve had a conversation some time ago with an old online blogging friend in Boston about this very topic.  That being how apathetic parts of the gay community has become of late.  My friend Ted made an observation about some people he knew on the East coast.  He told me that he has friends who tend to either sleep around or are in “open relationships”, and the fact that they tend to “inter-mingle” when, as he delicately put it, “pickens are slim”.  In other words, when some of his friends couldn’t find a person to sleep with that was new or not of the regular social crowd, they would sleep with each other.  Then one of them came down with HIV and not only was this person unceremoniously drummed out of the group, he was also told point-blank that he was considered toxic and therefore needed to move before everyone found out.

The ironic part here is that this guy was originally from San Francisco.  He was treated so badly by other gays in San Francisco for being HIV+ that he had to move clear across the country and now lives in Boston.  So Ted said that when he heard this he was shocked beyond belief.  This still has a profound affect on Ted because this same guy committed suicide less than two years later when he went home to visit family and had the misfortune of running into those same ex-friends, who threatened to tell his family if he didn’t leave the bar they were all in.

I suppose I could over-simplify this by saying that because someone was taken off the meat market by being afflicted with an illness, his former friends decided he was radioactive and not only drummed him out of the sleep-around club but they threatened to ruin his life further by dragging his name through the mud.

But instead I will just say that if this is truly where we are 30+ years after the start of this malady…if even gays – whom I would have thought to be more educated and less apathetic or ambivalent – are shunning their friends for something like this…then this world truly has taken a gigantic leap backward.

Just a note to those who would force themselves to forget history…a lot of people died in the past 30+ years.  In a way, those deaths have led to more focus being placed on the EQUAL treatment of you and your friends.  Were it not for so much focus being placed on such a horrible illness, not to mention all the people – both famous and non-famous – dying, you might not be swishing around so proudly and openly and enjoying the chance to be so catty and nonchalant about something like this.  You can treat people like Kleenex if you wish, but over time, you get older, then you happen to notice that the Kleenex box is empty.

Unlike Kleenex, friends are not something you should so easily and callously throw away.

And in my humble opinion (and to beat this metaphor to death), I think your attitudes towards friends who are or become sick is FAR uglier than what’s in that tissue.

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A Decade Since

Posted by Daniel on September 11, 2011

Ten years ago today…It’s amazing to think of all that’s transpired in the last decade.

In Memorium

Not Forgotten

I could post about all the good, bad and ugly that has transpired in the past decade, but the thought of doing that seems rather shallow and insensitive at the moment.  Considering those who aren’t with us because of the events of that day, I think I’ll just re-post the poem I wrote just days after the second tower fell.  I discovered that three of my friends who worked in the towers never made it out.

Pieces of a Flag

On a sunny Tuesday morning, it could have been any normal day.

Many of our East coast friends went about beginning in their usual way.

Coffee cup’s filling, friendly “Good morning’s” and the day’s work being prepped,

While in the skies above them the fingers of an unseen evil crept.

Thousands in the Standing Stripes and as many in the Star,

Would never have fair warning of their fates sealed from afar.

Men who hate our pride and freedom and want to make us pay,

How could we have known, for this, they’d take our friends away?

We lost a lot of friends that day, both in New York and in D.C.

The shock of what has happened is, even now, still hitting me.

There was one plane of four that by heroism, did not reach its mark.

The courage shown by those passengers is the epitome of freedoms’ spark.

Four planes, full of innocents, by evil-doers turned into missile’s,

Turned a peaceful morning into the noise of sirens, screams and whistles.

We watched…frozen…awestruck, as they tore into our country’s heart.

This nation, by resolve, will prove cowards cannot pull our flag apart.

We lost a bit of innocence that day at the hands of those morally depraved.

But what they keep forgetting is WE’RE AMERICA, Home of the Brave!!

We will rebuild…We must move on, and yes, we’ll overcome,

And to those we’ve lost we make this vow…we’ll remember you…every one.

Dedicated to Shawn, Rebecca and “Meryle”…

Friends I lost in the World Trade Center.

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2011…The Year of the White Flag

Posted by Daniel on January 1, 2011

Meet Me Half Way

It was an amazing year, 2011.

As brief as it’s been so far, I’m amazed at just how wonderful it’s been, only to watch it turn into complete shit in a span of just two hours.

I shouldn’t be terribly surprised, though.  I mean it’s hard to start a new year when you’re faced with having to fight the ghosts of years past.  And on top of that, I have to fight DAILY the insecurities of someone who is even more haunted by my past than I am!!

Here’s the bottom line on this soon-to-derail train of thought…While my ex IS out of my life and poses NO threat to anyone interested in ME, I do have to keep SOME semblance of contact with him (at least for the time being) because there ARE a few details of the divorce that we, AS ADULTS, have yet to iron out.  These are material posessions – not the least of which is the dog – that we have to settle up on.  And if I just simply turned into a gigantic asshole and cut off ALL communications with him…poof…there it all goes.

Ordinarily I’d tell anyone in the same position that it makes sense keeping at least a minimum of dialogue open so as not to screw that up.  It (as in my case) doesn’t have to be all lovie-dovie, however I’ve learned over the years that with some people if you sound like a bitter jealous bitch, chances are you’ll lose EVERYTHING.  All I’ve tried to do (hand-to-God) is keep the tone light rather than ugly.  There are no feelings there…no chance of a reconciliation EVER (c’mon people, how stupid do you really think I am???)…and no spark waiting to be reignited.  Period.

But here’s where I stand…I now have to choose between the REAL man that I love and regaining personal material objects…again, not the least of which is the dog…my baby, Kitty.  Because if I want to PROVE to Travis that he has nothing to fear from Seth, I just might have to let go of those material things.  In that way, there will BE no reason for me to remain in contact (however brief and WITHOUT ulterior motive!!) with Seth.

The shitty part is that I know Travis would NEVER tell me to make such a drastic move just for him, but I also know that he wants that so as to alleviate his deep-seeded fear of Seth coming between us.

All I want is to make him happy.  And by God if I have to walk away from those material things to keep HIM, then so be it.  He’s FAR more important to me than ANY thing.

It’s a shitty choice sometimes, but I’m looking at it as if I have a crushed arm…keep it and bleed to death?  Or cut it off so that I can live.

I choose the latter.  If Travis will have me…and HELP me…the choice becomes that simple.

Because in the final analysis, all things being equal, (and I’ve told him this before and MEANT it just as I do now)…I’d rather start off with nothing and work my way up again as long as it meant being with him.  Because he makes life worth it.

In that way, it’s not a struggle…it’s a journey.

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I Can’t Shop For Christmas

Posted by Daniel on December 19, 2010

There are no gifts to wrap this year.

I can’t even send out a card.

Would love to buy you everything

But this bad year hit me far too hard.

Everyone I say this to

Says, “Yeah, we’ve all had it rough.”

But this year took it all from me

And I can’t stress that to you near enough.

So on this holiday I give you

All of my heartfelt love…I know, that’s bold!!

It’s genuine.  It means the most

And it’s worth it’s weight in gold.


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Famine To Feast

Posted by Daniel on November 12, 2010

How did it come to this?

When did the man who absolutely hates the process of dating, mostly because of all the awkward initial “first” moments suddenly become the latest “In Thing”??  Never mind the fact that my chronic social anxiety usually precludes me from making a generally good first impression.  Mostly because in order to counter that anxiety, I usually tend to overcompensate it with stupid humor and cheesy one-liners.

In short, I’m a complete dork when it comes to dating…always have been.

Now I find myself back on the dating game…and sucking pretty badly at it.  (not to be taken literally, m’kay?)

And lo and behold, there are guys coming out of the woodwork.  All apparently vying for…um…me?

Really???

Seriously…WHY?!?!

What the hell AM I trying for now?  Have I really learned enough about men to truly give my heart freely again?  Is there truly a man out there who ISN’T going to love me then leave me…like all the rest?  So many things to factor in.

Am I too old for some?  Too young?  Too weak/strong?  Giving?  Reserved?  Too tan?  Too short?

I hate this process.  I just wish the one who TRULY loves JUST ME would just swoop in and take away this horrid and scary process.

And this brings me back to the guys coming out of the woodwork…

Without going into specifics on each, I’ll just say this:

  • Eight here in Fresno
  • One in Los Banos
  • Two in Kentucky (not including my sweet friend, B)(unless he wants to be ON this list…lol)
  • Four (yes, FOUR) in West Virginia (except for the ONE that matters…cowboy)
  • Three in LA
  • Four in Boston
  • One in Andover
  • Three in Dallas

Well guys…you can duke it out then…

I’m ready.

I’m here.

I’m waiting.

I’m hungry…I’ll be in the kitchen.

May the best man win.

NOTE:  Okay, the last few lines of this were just for fun…but the rest is true.

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Ghosts of The Past

Posted by Daniel on January 21, 2010

Life tends to go by so fast. One day you’re looking at yourself in the mirror thinking you’re the bee’s knees…the next minute you’re wondering when you became so old you started using terms like “bee’s knees”.

It’s bad enough when you go through life thinking you have a pretty good grip on things and you can keep up with everything that flies by, but then comes the gawd-awful day that shows you never really had control of anything and that you’d better hold on tighter or get left behind.

Lately it feels like there are some out there who are all-too-pleased to help you get left behind.

I’m a pretty good judge of personality. It’s just that simple.

There are lots of folks who would categorize the way I size people up as “judgmental”.

Not true.

In my life, I’ve met so many people in so many countries in so many settings, social and otherwise. I’ve met folks who could make you believe just about anything your little heart desires. There are those who I meet that, only five minutes into conversation, send a red flag up in my head as someone to keep at arms length…or farther.

Believe it or not, I’ve NEVER been wrong when it comes to pinning down personalities. Call it luck. Call it ESP. I’d prefer to think that it’s because I’ve been bullshitted by some of the best IN THE WORLD. And I don’t just mean politicians or ex’s. (they’re just way TOO easy to read)

I know when someone genuinely wants to be my friend, and when someone wants something from me or tries to mask their underhandedness behind a veil of sweet talk and promises of platonic friendship.

I feel there is someone creeping into our lives right now who has ulterior motives towards breaking us up.

So far since we moved to this state, I’ve pegged four people who were out to split Seth and I up, and as it turned out, I was right about all of them.

The current predator has made his intentions all too clear from day one. To me, anyway.

This person invites Seth to every kind of gathering imaginable…but as a SINGLE person. I have met him once (for the airing of his haunted house episode on TV), but then he shook my hand and walked away. By that time, he and Seth had been hanging out for some time. Now this guy actually is taking Seth to LA next weekend to do some kind of work at the Grammys. Not once in anything he’s invited Seth to has this guy either acknowledged us as a couple, or asked if I had a problem with the plans (oh, you mean like taking my other half to LA???).

Don’t get me wrong…I know that Seth has something to do with this as well. When they go out (last time was to a “mixer”…I wasn’t invited), Seth will be out until between 3 – 6 am, depending on the event. I don’t have to tell you how this has both stunned me and also PISSED ME OFF!!!

I don’t care who your friends are or what the occasion, (and correct me if I’m wrong here) but if you’re with someone as a couple, you don’t spend all night out with gawd-knows-who till the hours of gawd-knows-when, because it makes it way too easy to think they’re doing gawd-knows-what. I’m a very trusting person and I trust Seth implicitly. I don’t, however, trust some of these “guyfriends'” OR their motives.

I guess it all hurts because there is a clear and insulting lack of respect being shown here. (again, correct me if I’m misreading all of this)

This has been going on for many months now and at first it scared the shit out of me because I had no idea where he was or what (if anything) had happened to him. One morning (5am) I was seconds from dialing hospitals when he finally came home. Seems he gave someone a ride home who was too drunk to drive, and he passed out at their place watching Golden Girls.

I went off on him, of course, and told him that while I don’t care if or when he wants to go out with his friends, but from now on I had BETTER get either a call or text from him to let me know all is well AND that there is no need to be passing out at someones house after drinking. Call my ass and I will come get him and bring his ass home where he belongs.

I may trust him (because he said I SHOULD), but passed out in some strangers apartment? What the hell do YOU think could happen??? I don’t trust the intentions of others in situations like that.

Period.

This brings me back to the guy who is currently fast-becoming Seth’s new best friend. I swear when we are here together, he spends one-tenth the time actually talking to me as he does texting this guy. That, in itself, pisses me off, but hey, whatever.

But I am increasingly fearful of this person’s intentions towards Seth and the promises he makes to him. As I said earlier, it doesn’t take much for me to gauge a person and I am more than positive this guy is intentionally treating Seth as a single person because he wants him. And folks, you’ve all seen these types in action before. This isn’t jealousy, this is someone who has set off an alert in my head and I know I’m right about him.

When I confronted Seth about this concern of mine, you can well imagine his reaction. This guy, according to Seth, shares many interests with him and really understands where he’s coming from and where he wants to go with his life. I give Seth the benefit of the doubt (with his age) when it came to that being said, but I also thought he would grasp just how hurtful a thing like that statement would seem, given he was saying it to his partner. Not to mention the issue of showing enough respect TO his other half NOT to spend overnight jaunts with friends at the drop of a hat.

He says it’s because I’m not a social person and he is a VERY social person. While I agree that he IS very social and apparently has lower inhibitions, he also has morals and I know that he does his best to live by them. By the way, I AM a social person, but I refuse to make MY social life the gay bars, which appears to be all that these people have. So I’d rather stick to my principals by staying/entertaining at home rather than spend every night out at the bars. Sue me, I’d rather go places and do things than stand around in the bars with their awful music, boring conversations about their latest conquests, cookie-cutter clone-wanna-be’s. Just because I have nothing in common with a bunch of bar flies does NOT make me less social!!!

While I want him to have his friends and his social life, I also want him to understand just how disrespectful it is for him to put his friends before his partner every time.

This isn’t the way EITHER of us was raised…and there are times I just can’t hide the hurt.

I hate this town and this state. I hate that they are all out for themselves and that they (like vampires) seem determined to either turn you in to one of them or make you disappear. I refuse to be one of them.

And I am terrified Seth went to that haunted house and was bitten.


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