The Tempest Online™

~ Sic gorgiamus allos subjectatos nunc. ~

Archive for the ‘WTF???’ Category

Since The World Is Going To End, Might As Well Get It Out There…

Posted by Daniel on December 10, 2012

end-of-the-worldMelissa and I were talking last night.  And if you’ve ever read about our insane conversations, imagine my surprise at how lucid she seemed this time.  She brought up the impending theoretical end of the world on the 21st.  Then before I could tell her how I don’t subscribe to that any more than I did the big Y2K scare, Bigfoot or children, she made a request that, at first stunned me…then made me think.  She said, “If you KNEW the world was going to end, what secrets about yourself would you tell the world?”

Wow…This took me aback.  Mostly because she’s never actually completed a sentence without using the word “penis”, but also because she actually made me speechless.   Then, without giving it too much (or even enough) thought,  I suddenly  decided WTF, I’m going to do it.

What follows is my list of twenty secrets.  Okay, some are secrets and some are just exclamations I’d throw out there, being as my period of shame will end on 12/21/2012.

Theoretically.

Just want to say, in the event I’m right and the world doesn’t end and we’re all still here on Saturday the 22nd, please forget you ever read any of this and we can then avoid the awkwardness.

So, without further ado…here it is…Bring on the asteroid:

  1. I don’t believe in God, reincarnation or ghosts.  Never have.  But I respect those who do.
  2. I’ve always been too afraid to learn how to swim.
  3. I’ve always considered myself to be an unattractive person.  Still do.
  4. It’s not that I won’t dance…I just don’t know how.
  5. I’ve attempted suicide…twice.
  6. I refuse to date anyone who gets jealous of those around me.  Trust them and me, or move on!!
  7. Contrary to the fake reputation of being a castrating bitch that I’ve always tried to keep up, I actually do have a heart.  And it’s been damaged.  Severely.  But I still care.
  8. Silence terrifies me.  Literally.
  9. I’m sincerely and passionately in love with someone.
  10. I believe in love, people and science.  Always will.
  11. I consider my friends to be my life and my memories.  I’d give my life for them.
  12. My last relationship failed because I’ll never be over the one before.  There are other reasons, obviously, but this one hurts to admit just as much.
  13. In Jr. High, I once got beaten up by a girl.  I don’t hit girls.
  14. In the Qualifiers on American Gladiators, I was eliminated by a girl.  (least I THINK it was a girl)
  15. To this day, I still feel guilty that I survived the 80’s when so many didn’t.
  16. I stupidly allowed someone to convince me that I’ll die alone.
  17. I’ve been to Paradise, but I’ve never been to me.  I don’t know what that means, but it seems to apply.
  18. I never once pee’d in a pool.  Now I wish I had.
  19. My body pillow has a name.
  20. I actually love Melissa more than she knows.  Just don’t tell her.
Advertisements

Posted in Life, WTF??? | 3 Comments »

Posted by Daniel on December 12, 2011

The Mitt's About To Hit The Fan

Imagine this.  You’re a 60-something gay Vietnam veteran out to dinner with your husband in New Hampshire when Mitt Romney sits down at your table uninvited to ask for your vote in overturning your state’s gay marriage law. You know, the one that allowed you to marry your partner of a few decades or so in the first place.

Are you more offended that Romney mistook your proud military heritage for blatant homophobia? Or just annoyed that homeboy had the hubris to invite himself to your date night, like some bizarre MTV reality television show, Republican Third Wheel? (MTV, if you’re reading. Let’s make this show happen, GaySAP! Lunch?)

Mitt Romney, while  touring the Chez Vachon restaurant in Manchester, sat down at a table with two older men, one of whom was wearing a “Vietnam Veteran” hat.Bob Garon, 63, of Epsom, N.H., asked Romney if he, as president would seek to overturn New Hampshire’s law legalizing gay marriage. Romney gave his standard response affirming his belief that marriage is between a man and a woman.

Garon, who is gay and was seated with his husband, Bob Lemire, then said to Romney: “It’s good to know how you feel, that you do not believe everyone is entitled to their constitutional rights.”

Romney replied: “Actually, I think at the time the Constitution was written marriage was between a man and a woman and I don’t believe the Supreme Court has changed that.”

Romney may as well have poured a coke over the couple’s heads and smashed their faces in their Potatoes au Gratin. Who crashes someone’s meal just to insult them? In a state that respects and honors the couple with full marriage equality laws, at that! Talk about losing your appetite.

Garon, a political independent later, told reporters he was unimpressed with Romney.

“The guy ain’t going to make it,” he said after the exchange. “You can’t trust him. I can see it in his eyes.”

Garon said he was married in June. “In New Hampshire, where it’s legal. Unless Mitt Romney gets elected.”

Let’s hope for dinner’s sake that it doesn’t come to that.

Posted in Media Matters, Politics, WTF??? | Leave a Comment »

Doesn’t GOD Have A Calendar?

Posted by Daniel on May 24, 2011

Third Time's A Charm...Right Lord?

Okay, so there’s this California preacher who foretold of the world’s end only to see the appointed day pass with no extraordinarily cataclysmic event.  So now he has revised his apocalyptic prophecy, saying he was off by five months and the Earth actually will be obliterated on Oct. 21.  Great, I just unpacked and now I have to repack in five months??  I have to say that my better half and I were quite disappointed because we’ve been looking so forward to a nice trip and then bam…nothing.  So we just did the next best thing to ascending to Heaven…we went shopping at Riverpark.

Harold Camping, the John Smith wanna-be who predicted that 200 million Christians would be taken to heaven Saturday before catastrophe struck the planet, apologized for not having the dates “worked out as accurately as I could have.”  All that money and he can’t afford the calendar app for his isaiahPhone?

He spoke to the media at the Oakland headquarters of his Family Radio International, which spent millions of dollars – some of it from donations made by followers – on more than 5,000 billboards and 20 RVs plastered with the Judgment Day message.

It was not the first time Camping was forced to explain when his prediction didn’t come to pass. The 89-year-old retired civil engineer also prophesied that the Apocalypse would come in 1994, but said later that didn’t happen then because of yet another mathematical error.

Through chatting with a friend over what he acknowledged was a very difficult weekend, it dawned on him that instead of the biblical Rapture in which the faithful would be swept up to the heavens, May 21 had instead been a “spiritual” Judgment Day, which places the entire world under Christ’s judgment, he said…as if we weren’t under a big enough magnifying glass held by Washington.

The globe will be completely destroyed in five months, he said, when the apocalypse comes. But because God’s judgment and salvation were completed on Saturday, there’s no point in continuing to warn people about it, so his network will now just play uplifting Christian music and Veggie-Tales programs until the final end on Oct. 21.  

Ooops...False Alarm...Everyone Go Back To Your Lives And We'll Catch You In October!!!

“We’ve always said May 21 was the day, but we didn’t understand altogether the spiritual meaning,” he said. “The fact is there is only one kind of people who will ascend into heaven … if God has saved them they’re going to be caught up.”  I’m assuming it’s those with better timing and a more accurate calendar.

Josh Ocasion, who works the teleprompter during Camping’s live broadcasts in the group’s threadbare studio sandwiched between an auto shop and a palm reader’s business, said he enjoyed the production work but never fully believed the May 21 prophecy would come true.

“I thought he would show some more human decency in admitting he made a mistake,” he said Monday. “We didn’t really see that.”

Follower Jeff Hopkins said he spent a good deal of his own retirement savings on gas money to power his car so people would see its ominous lighted sign showcasing Camping’s May 21 warning. As the appointed day drew nearer, Hopkins started making the 100-mile round trip from Long Island to New York City twice a day, spending at least $15 on gas each trip.

“I’ve been mocked and scoffed and cursed at and I’ve been through a lot with this lighted sign on top of my car,” said Hopkins, 52, a former television producer who lives in Great River, NY. “I was doing what I’ve been instructed to do through the Bible, but now I’ve been stymied. It’s like getting slapped in the face.”

Camping’s hands shook slightly as he pinned his microphone to his lapel, and as he clutched a worn Bible he spoke in a quivery monotone about some listeners’ earthly concerns after giving away possessions in expectation of the Rapture.

Family Radio would never tell anyone what they should do with their belongings, and those who had fewer would cope, Camping said.

“We’re not in the business of financial advice,” he said. “We’re in the business of telling people there’s someone who you can maybe talk to, maybe pray to, and that’s God.”  Asked whether God had given solid confirmation to the date of Rapture and also the mathematical formula with which he kept coming up with these dates, Camping looked at his Rolex watch and then patted his tattered Bible.

Then he said that he wouldn’t give away any of his possessions ahead of Oct 21.

“I still have to live in a house, I still have to drive a car,” he said. “What would be the value of that? If it is Judgment Day why would I give it away?”

Posted in Bad Advice Meant Well, Religion, WTF??? | Leave a Comment »