The Tempest Online™

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The Secrets Gay Men Kinda Want Straight People to Know…Sorta

Posted by Daniel on September 10, 2013

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As gay men and lesbians get closer and closer to the mainstream, they’ve often traded in their image as the queer radicals who started the Stonewall Riots for the milquetoast assimilationists who want to get married and have kids and put HRC (human Rights Campaign) bumper stickers on their cars. That doesn’t mean we’re still not queer radicals. It just means we’re hiding it from you.

That’s right, there are all sorts of secrets that Ted and Ned, the nice gay couple next door to you with the matching BMWs and the prim sweater sets aren’t telling you, probably starting with the reason they have those bolts in the ceiling of the “den” (It’s for the sling and “den” is gay for “sex room”). Now, it’s time to let the straights in on some of our dirty little secrets. Let’s see if you still like us after this. No, I don’t speak for all of the homosexuals, but, come on, queen, try to tell me this isn’t true!

Bottoming Is Just As Fun As Topping

There, I said it. Bottoming is fucking great. Yes, it hurts every time. Yes it is sometimes messy (Santorum is just not a Presidential candidate…look the word up). But it is always fucking worth it. There are lots of guys who only like to bottom. There are lots of couples that are both bottoms and they take turns begrudingly topping. There are also lots of tops who only like to top.  Personally, I prefer both.  But that’s just me.   Topping is fun too. But if topping is like a merry-go-round, then bottoming is like the best fucking roller coaster you’ve ever been on in your life. The weird thing is “power bottom” isn’t just some stupid straight boy insult, the gays use it too. There’s some sort of shame about being a bottom, like it makes us less manly and that straight people won’t take us seriously. That is probably true, but those feelings are wrapped in all this heteronormative, patriarchal bullshit that straight society has thrust upon us, and we hate you for making us feel bad about something that is better than chasing a million dragons. And, yes, straight guys, let your lady stick a finger up there sometime, and you’ll know what I’m talking about. I promise not to make you feel like less of a man for it.

Poppers Aren’t Awesome

For those who don’t know, poppers are an inhalant that is rather easy to come by in most adult book stores or gay leather shops. It’s amyl nitrite and it’s sold as “room deodorizer” or “video head cleaner” or some other preposterous bullshit like that. Some homosexuals love this stuff. Well, not all of them, but a lot of them. Especially bottoms! What it does is loosen up all the involuntary muscles (like in the throat and anus) so it’s so much easier to get large objects pushed into them. They also make you kind of dizzy and crazy and make every cell in your body scream, “I want to fuck right now” at the same time. They’re a choice (not one that I’d make, like, EVER). They also give you a headache and make you want to pass out. Whatever, that’s the price you pay.

Cocksucker Is Not an Insult

See the discussion about “power bottom” above, except the difference is, 99.9% of gay men love to suck dick. Therefore, if you call us a cocksucker, it says something more about you than it does about us. We love our cocks, we love to have them sucked, and we love to be the one doing the sucking. If you say “cocksucker” like it’s a bad thing, your punishment should be to never have your cock sucked again. But, yeah, go ahead and call us a cocksucker. That’s sort of like calling Bill Gates “rich” and expecting him to get mad about it.

We Have Our Own Celebrities

Straight people think, “Oh, the gays love Madonna and Lady Gaga and Kathy Griffin.” Yes, it’s true, but there is a class of gay superstars you don’t even know about. You think gay people love Gaga? You should hear when a Robyn song comes on at a gay bar. Then it is fucking over. Don’t forget the Scissor Sisters, anyone who was ever on RuPaul’s Drag Race, Ben Cohen, cabaret superstar Mx. Justin Vivian Bond, or all the women whose careers we are personally keeping alive like Cyndi Lauper, Margaret Cho, and Sandra Bernhard. You may think you know what we like, but you don’t even know the half of it.

We Want to Fuck All the Hot Straight Boys

When homophobes always have a gay panic and say gay men “all want to have sex with me,” someone will always tell them, “That’s stupid. We don’t want to have sex with you.” That’s true—because that guy is ugly. If he was hot, gay guys will want to have sex with him. I mean, that’s just nature. Gay guys are attracted to hot guys, no matter their orientation. And if they’re in the locker room or at the beach or even walking down the street, we’re totally going to be checking them out. Also, many gay guys think straight guys are even hotter because they’re so naturally butch and hard to get. It’s like straight guys’ obsession with girl-on-girl action, but in reverse. Falling in love with a straight guy is a difficult and painful trap that many gay men fall into as well, but we’re not talking about that. We’re talking about just the lust. If they’re hot, it’s there—even for your boyfriend.

Not All Gay Couples Are Monogamous

What HRC and other gay rights groups would like to sell the straight public is that gay couples are just like straight married couples. In many cases, we are. We are monogamous and have been together forever and raise our kids behind white picket fences. What we don’t want you to know is that many gay couples, though married, civilly unionized, or otherwise common law are inviting guys over for threeways, playing around with other guys on the side, or engaged in all other sorts of sexual hijinks. Personally, I’m not down with that…I’m greedy and I don’t share the meat on my plate.  EVER.  Yes, straight people have “swingers” but it seems like there is a stronger bent of “non-traditional arrangements” among the gays. It might be because gay men are horny bastards and because we didn’t have your fiendish and chaste preset relationship constructs until recently when straight people decided it was time to stop treating us like second class citizens. Yeah, we may be married, but that doesn’t mean we’re dead or conforming to your rules.

We Can Have Sex Anywhere at Anytime

Straight guys always say, “It must be great to be gay because you can get laid any time.” Yes, it’s true. We can get it anywhere, anytime. Straights might know about Manhunt and Grindr, but they may not know about the underwear parties, undergroup orgies, bath houses, cruisey public rest rooms, steam rooms, cottages, tea rooms, video stores, parks, glory holes, and other assorted nooks and crannies where gay guys will go in their most desperate and horniest moments. Sure, a lot of this activity has moved online and subsequently into our homes, but there is still plenty of public sex to be had. Aren’t we lucky!

We Don’t Love Drag Queens As Much As You Do

Drag queens are great! Some of my best friends are drag queens, and some of them put on great shows. But we see drag queens all the damn time. You can hardly go to a gay bar without running into one who is “hosting,” doing a lip sync number, running a contest, or just generally harassing people. For straight people it’s a treat. It’s fun and exciting and awesome. We’re glad that you can be in on the campy fun, but don’t hate us if we don’t match your enthusiasm. Imagine if you took us to a straight bar and we were like, “Oh my god! They have the football game on the television over the bar. Isn’t that amazing! That’s so awesome. Look at that screen! It’s so big and clear. Let’s give it a dollar! Do you have a dollar? I want to tip the screen,” you would think we were some crazy asshole. That’s how we feel when you wig out (pun intended) over drag queens.

Just clarifying.  Any Questions?

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Posted in LGBT, Love - Or Something Like It | Leave a Comment »

Lessons Learned

Posted by Daniel on August 7, 2013

A code of professional conduct is a necessary component to any profession to maintain standards for the individuals within that profession to adhere.  It brings about accountability, responsibility and trust to the individuals that the profession serves.

For writers such as Alexander Pope and Samuel Johnson, struggling in the transition from the age of patronage to that of Grub Street professionalism, Shakespeare offered not only a body of poetic invention but also an inspirational career trajectory.  I have lived my professional life to this standard since day-one.

As a writer, I’ve learned the in’s and out’s of just how powerful the spoken or written word can be.  Words (spoken or unspoken) can hurt or heal.  They can resolve, through mediation, great disparage and disagreements; yet they can also dig a chasm of resent so vast and so deep that no action can ever fill it.  In these instances, the resulting void is a scar that can never heal…leading to the death of any future talks.  I include “unspoken” in this narrative because recent events have underlined just how much hurt can come from what isn’t said just as much as what is.

In business, this is all the more important to keep in mind.  Be careful with whom you conduct business, because those who are sometimes close to you and are amazing people at their core, can also show to have absolutely no business savvy whatsoever.  If they even so much as researched their dealings, they might not be setting themselves up for, what I see as, several contractual lawsuits down the short road of this endeavor.  And you sometimes have to discover this through watching everything they try to conduct professionally fall through the floor.

I am currently standing at the edge of this professional and intellectual abyss.

Not too long ago I was asked to join a business venture that, at face value, appeared to be both novel in it’s originality as well as long overdue in it’s ideals.  I was asked to come on board as their Communications Director, which involved editing all web and email content, as well as turning their website from a sows ear to a silk purse.  I also worked for weeks getting their link added to thirty nine LGBTQ (and LGBTQ-friendly) websites as a means of helping to spread the message of this company.  “All Inclusive” and “In this business, we exclude NO groups” were the original themes batted around.  Of course I was all over this project.

It didn’t take long to figure out this message of theirs was not, in fact, entirely true.  No matter how much the two ladies who’ve taken the lead want to protest.  I am truly sorry to have to say that even the name of their so-called production company has become a bad joke.  Mostly because their actions and, sorry to say, business ethics have proven that name to be completely opposite in meaning.

Without going into the gory details or play-by-Play, suffice it to say that if you can’t take a courteous and professional criticism (that you asked for, by the way), then you shouldn’t jump into the deep end of the professional Pool.  I love working with people, and always have.  But in business, like I’ve always said, if you want to bark with the big dogs, you can’t pee like a puppy.  And you need to grow a thicker skin so that when someone tells you that when you write official emails or texts to companies, you’d better not sound like a Jr. High drop-out.  Yes, I said it…Punctuation…look into it!!!

Bottom line, if you can’t or won’t take professional criticism as a positive lesson learned, and would rather continue speaking to people professionally in a manner that makes you look like the most complex sentence structure you can come up with is “Was up wichew?”, good luck on your next business venture.  Because this one will be short-lived.  Especially when I get done with it online.  Only unlike you, I can do it by telling the truth.

Professionally speaking.

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Click The Pic…Buy A Ticket!!!

Posted by Daniel on July 4, 2013

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PRESENTS

Click HERE For Tickets!!!

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Don’t SHOH8!!!

Posted by Daniel on June 26, 2013

ImageOkay, with all the revelry over today’s landmark and HISTORIC decisions from SCOTUS, there is something I, as a gay American would like to say.

I’ve already seen the hateful venom being poured out on the media and internet from those who adamantly oppose marriage equality. I get that. It’s to be expected. And no amount of talk from myself or anyone else will ever really change many of their minds. This is, after all, based on their sense of morality/beliefs. We can do nothing to sway the diehard Prop 8 and DOMA supporters, other than to go forward as examples of how these decisions in no way threaten them. Religious or political views are, in many cases, something that they can’t change. I respect that. But it’s time to live up to that religious precept of not judging. It really is time.

And to all of my fellow revelers out there…Yes, we have reason to celebrate. This has, indeed, been a long hard-fought battle. But there are two things we, as a community need to remember…First, no matter how long this battle has been, it isn’t nearly won. There is still so very far we have to go to make marriage equality the law of ALL the land…not just parts of it. So celebrate our victories, but don’t put down that banner just yet. And second, in your revelry, please try to show a little class in NOT throwing F-bombs or other vitriolic rhetoric at those who oppose marriage equality. It’s not who we are and not helpful in our cause. In every decision there are winners and losers (not meant in any negative way). Someone wins and someone loses. Today was our day to win and while it’s been a long time in coming, lets try not to sling the same hate back at those who tried to hold us down. 

On that note, major congratulations to those who fought so very hard on our behalf, to those who sacrificed so very much, and to all of us who now are one MAJOR step closer to true equality.

Posted in GLBT, LGBT, Life, Media Matters, News, Op-Ed, Politics, Religion | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »

All The Right Moves

Posted by Daniel on June 11, 2013

Each day that passes, I get a little closer to the big move.  I have to say that I’m very excited, yet a tiny part of me is apprehensive.  I mean come on, I’ll be fifty (50)  in less than three months!!  Next to Shady Pines and running out of denture paste, big life changes are the scariest thing to the elderly (as Melissa refers to me).

So I’ve had talks with friends who’ve asked me why I’m willing to take this leap.

Again.

Is it my age? (which people are all-too-quick to point out is, in fact, just a number)
Is it my way of escaping the painful memories? (no comment)
Is it the weather? (or lack thereof)
Is it a man? (REALLY???)
Is it a better job? (define better)

To be perfectly honest, it’s probably a little of all of the above. (minus the man part)  I’ve been thinking about San Jose for a long time now. It isn’t even really the fact that many of my friends (not all…but many) either live there or have moved to other parts of the bay area.  While I look forward to being around friends up there more often, I’ll still miss those who are still here.  But hell, it’s just a two hour drive away, and except for a tedious little mountain range, there aren’t any real barriers to inhibit visits.

And yes, I’ll say it, someone recently came out of the woodwork that I kinda crushed on but never stood a chance with.  Until he finally made his move.  So there was that part of me that said “FINALLY!!!  Maybe I should stay then!!”  But I had to be honest with myself as well as him.  If I stay, it’ll be for the wrong reasons in that I will always feel like I missed a chance that I’ve been needing and planning and hoping for for over a year.  That wouldn’t be fair to either of us, because if I can’t commit to him and us without thinking about San Jose, then I’d be no better than those who choose to mix love with regret.  So I told him this.  I know he sincerely understands, yet I know he also feels like we’re missing out.  I say maybe we had some time to teach one another how to come out of our shells and see ourselves WITHOUT limitations.  After all, I told him, if I can’t feel good about myself here, how am I going to be good for HIM?  That part he got.  🙂

Then there’s the matter of the fact that almost all of my immediate family live here in Fresno.  I’ll admit, I haven’t been the best at staying in contact or making good on the visits.  But I love them and think about all of them every day.  But again, I’ll be only a two hour dive from them as well. 

The truth of the matter is that I simply want a fresh start.  I have learned over time that there’s no real life if you’re not willing to take a chance to live it.  It’s not that I don’t want to put down roots somewhere…on the contrary, I most certainly do.  But for now, I just want to feel at ease.  I feel so much more comfortable in San Jose because it reminds me of Kansas City, MO.  A city that is just the right size and atmosphere.  San Francisco is just “too much’ in too little space…and LA is just too much in general.

As for escaping the memories here, sure there are some I’d love to forget, but hey, who doesn’t have those, right?  If I had to attach memories to my reason for moving, it would be that this move I’ll be doing alone.  It’s on me.  I will voluntarily bear the weight of my decision and there won’t be anyone to blame if I fail.  (not that I think I failed here, because I’ve done pretty well, all things considered)  Lets face it, in the span of five years I went from having everything, to having nothing (literally) to having everything again.  Not an easy achievement at this stage of the game.  And it’s very possible I’ll have to scale back yet again once I’m living there.  I don’t mind.  I’ve learned to adapt to a more whittled down lifestyle and I’ve also learned that less is, in the right setting, certainly more.  Travis and Nic were two very important teachers in that, and I thank them every day in one way or another.

But now it’s time to start over.  Only this time it’s on my terms.  And short of hitting that lotto (which might never happen), I’m not really afraid of scaling back on “things” for the sake of comfort.  The upside of that is I already have a place lined up to call home (and Dallas, you still honor me by choosing me first over all those boring choices you COULD have made) and projects planned already (Nic and Shugga, we will do extraordinary things together!!) for the community.

I guess it all comes down to what some people might see as foolish selfishness.  Moving for all the wrong reasons.  I get that.  When I moved from Kansas City, Missouri, I ended up losing a lot of friends in the process.  But that happens.  I choose to see it a different way, though.  I don’t think it’s selfish for people (who are SINGLE) to decide to make a dramatic change in their lives.  Sometimes it’s just a career change.  Sometimes you might move across town.  And then there are times when you just want a complete change of everything (not including friends…they’re not like Kleenex and you don’t throw those away!!). 

A fresh start.

The right move.

We’ve all earned the right to make that choice.  We all deserve to make that move.

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As Your Friend, I Should tell You…

Posted by Daniel on April 1, 2013

Time to talk like an adult.

Real friends don’t look at you and say, “You chose these friends over us.”
In grownup land, we don’t actually choose. We don’t have to. In life, we add to our circle of friends. That’s what happens when you venture out of the house…you meet more people. Some of your friends don’t all live in the same areas. So you TRY to balance out the talks and visits. Plans sometimes get crossed, or even changed.  It happens.   But you don’t really think of it as, “Hmmm…I like these people more than these, so i’m just gonna stop talking to this group entirely.”

I bring this up because I’ve been faced with a very precarious decision.  Do I try to somehow amend the hurt feelings of a few people who I’ve always counted as my friends?  Or do I tell them to grow the fuck up and learn that just because they FEEL slighted and ignored, that isn’t necessarily the case.  Now, I’m a little heated at the moment because I just had my apology for an absence turned into what amounts to a “fuck you…go on with your happy life with your new friends…we’re good”.  In this heated moment, I’m tempted to grant that wish.

I’m guilty of spending time with friends who don’t live in the same city as I or some of my other friends do.  It’s true, I prefer that city over this one simply because the air is cleaner (and my allergies love that), there is FAR more to do up there and the people up there are, for the most part, drama-free.  Not that my friends here in this town are more drama-ridden.  Not wanting to imply that at all.  I’ve just seen them as busier and not as accessible lately. I’ll send a text asking what’s up and depending on the response (if there actually is one), that will tell me what’s happening here.   No biggie, I’ve formed no opinion about that other than, “Eh, they’re busy.  Hmmm…wonder what’s happening up North?”  Quite literally, that’s about as much thought as I actually put into it.

I have, just today, been informed that I, for all intents and purposes, am a gigantic asshole who chose one group of friends over those here in Fresno.  Not true.  Since January, I can see the texts (all 5 of them) from one of you who responded to my texts with absolutely no obvious interest.  Again, no biggie.  Sorry to bother ya.  But where (since December) is one single text FROM you (actually, ANY of you) initiating anything even remotely resembling even the faintest conversation?  So when you tell me “All of us are thinking this…I’m just the only one willing to step up and say it to you”, you’ve just said far more than you expected.

Friendships work when everyone understands all the variables.  I’m always conscious of the fact that my friends can be, and occasionally are, busy or tied up.  They have their reasons.  If they are coupled, there’s always that.  Or they’re working, have other plans, whatever.  I understand these things.  Even when I don’t hear from them, I’m not assuming they’ve dropped or deleted me from their life.  I figure when they text me, they text me.  No biggie.

I guess I just have a problem when I’m not afforded the same patience.  Things come up.  I have work, school, extra classes, MORE work, and other things that come into my life.  Not the least of which is trying like hell to cultivate a long overdue (and highly fought for) dating situation.  But I have no intentions of intentionally avoiding local friends or deleting anyone from my life.  I don’t work that way.  I’m all too happy to admit, I am just as capable of screwing up and occasionally making friends feel (unintentionally) neglected or left out as anyone else.  But again, that isn’t intentional or what I’m actually wanting.  That’s friendship…it can be screwed up here and there, but we know our friends are still there for us no matter what.

I love ALL of my friends.  I don’t play favorites or dump one for another.  I don’t judge them for their silence or their having lives.  But I know they are there for me, and that means everything.  I just want them to all understand it works both ways.  If you want to talk, text or call or come by!!  Don’t wait three months and then be mad when something pops up and plans change.  That’s life.  I accept it when you have to change plans.  Why is it worse when I have to?

I’m not trying in any way to insult, demean or rub your nose(s) in your hurt feelings.  Quite the opposite, actually.  I’m sorry plans changed and I screwed up by not letting you know at that moment.  But it doesn’t mean those plans were more important than YOU…just unavoidable.

So again, we’re all adults here and as such, we deserve to show one another a bit more patience and understanding.  I promise to try to do better as your friend…will you?

Posted in Friends, Life, Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »

Neverday’s Seeds

Posted by Daniel on March 16, 2013

There’s a seed of inspiration sewn in every conversation I have.  I glean these seeds from family, friends, ex’s and “Oh’s”.   Today’s seed was planted by a simple word.   Left me thinking about what I’ve gained and lost by aiming for that word…”Companionship”.  How can I attain this state in the present or future if I’m unsure of what I’ve learned from the past?   After all, there’s no past that I can bring back by longing for it, only a present that builds and creates itself as the past withdraws.

So I reflect back on my memories.   The good, the bad and the ugly.   I can honestly say, without hesitation that I have tried to spread as much or more good as I have ever received.  But I also recognize that I am guilty of causing pain – however unintentional – to others.  I’m inspired by a friends’ random act of kindness that he passed along to an elderly couple.  I take heart every day in the strength and worldly wisdom of someone who, to me, is and lives the very definition of beauty.  I try to live up to their examples every day.  Not as a means of erasing the red marks in my life, but to guide my actions in a positive way moving forward.  It is in this realization that I learn, grow and gain strength enough to stop looking back at the past with such relish as to refuse to see the beautiful, newly revealed views before me.

Initially I’m overwhelmed.  But gradually I realize it’s like a wave.   Resist, and I’ll be knocked over.  Dive into it, and I’ll swim out the other side.  The only real failure is my failure to try, and the measure of success is how I cope with disappointment.  But it’s also true that the person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing.

All of this and I am still afraid.  Will today’s seed take root?  Can I, after all this time, open up and allow myself the chance to be the gardener I once was?  Is companionship really so attainable?

It’s all too unclear. 

All I know about the future is that it will be different.  But perhaps what I fear is that it will be the same. So I must celebrate the changes, because, as someone once said, everything will be alright in the end, and if it’s not alright, then trust me…that’s alright, too.

Posted in Family, Friends, Life, Love - Or Something Like It | Leave a Comment »

How The Bitch Stole Christmas

Posted by Daniel on December 11, 2012

WARNING: The following tale is not suitable for people under the age of 18. It is highly recommended that if you are easily offended by gay imagery or stereotyped wordage, you click away from this story immediately. We don’t want to offend ANYONE, but don’t want to be told off for using our artistic license.

She’s A Mean One!!!

Every gay up in Fresno liked Christmas a lot, but the Bitch,

who seldom stepped foot in the area, most certainly did not.

The Bitch hated Christmas, the whole Christmas season!

Now, please don’t ask why…no one quite knows the reason.

It could be her wig wasn’t pinned on just right.

Or, perhaps it was that her cheap Payless pumps were too tight.

But I think that the most likely reason of all

May have been that her pee-pee was 2 inches too small.

But whatever the reason, she stood there they said

Hating each faggot and every last lez.

Staring down from the stage, glitter dusted and gorgeous,

Her face looking flawless, her tits quite enormous.

For she knew every Fresno gay, so tanned and so buff

Was now primping and tweezing and bleaching and stuff.

“And they’re waxing their back hair!” she snarled with a sneer.

“Tomorrow is Christmas! It’s practically here!”

Then she hissed, and just stood there looking quite stunning,

“I must find some way to stop Christmas from coming!”

For tomorrow the sodomites and carpet munchers

Will roll out of bed around 9:00 for their brunches.

They will walk hand in hand all over the place

Throwing their sick lifestyles in her gorgeous face.

And then they’d do something she liked least of all…

Every Fresno gay with their shaved low-hanging balls

In their way-too-tight t-shirts and their metal cock rings

Every drunk little faggot actually sings.

They sing Nicki,  Rihanna and Christina…its scary

Young ones sing Carly and Katy Perry

Brittany, Lady Ga-Ga, so many choices

Warbled out in effeminate, weak little voices.

And the more the Bitch thought of those fags trying to sing,

The more the Bitch thought, “I must stop this thing!”

“Why for 40…23 years I’ve put up with it now!

I must stop this Christmas from coming…but how?”

Then she got an idea, an awful idea!

The Bitch got a wonderfully awful idea!

Their apartments were empty, no one was at home

Disowned by their families, they despise being alone.

To the gay bars they march to spend all their money

Fools who think Smirnoff is good and Ellen is funny.

The Bitch tried the door but it was locked tight.

Thank goodness she watched CHARLIE’S ANGELS last night.

From her sassy new do she removed a hairpin

And picking the lock, she let herself in.

The place was atrocious, a postmodern bad dream

Filled with crap from Ikea, Pier 1 and Linen’s & Things.

With sad touches of retro: a new lava lamp

And a chrome vintage toaster, in short it was camp.

She slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant

Around the whole room and she took every present!!

Hair products, work-out gear, bronzer and more.

Skimpy little slut shorts and tank tops galore.

Male grooming products,the latest iPhone

Calvin Klein underwear and his stinky cologne.

An expensive l’Gea hair removal system

And so many drugs I can barely list them.

Acid and Crystal, Crank, Crack and Ice

Two 8balls of coke when one would suffice.

Poppers and Special K, plenty of X

And their stockings stuffed full of perverted gay sex.

Magazines, dirty books, all sorts of porn

Filthy smut movies by Kristen Bjorn.

Spunk personal lubricant, dildos this long,

Tit clamps and assless chaps, a two-headed dong.

Butt plugs and anal beads, soon to be shoved

“Have pity on them, they just want to be loved!”

The Bitch laughed to herself as she filled up her bags

Taking everything dear to the tired Fresno fags.

Once full, she twist-tied them and gave them the boot

And sent all the presents right down the trash shoot.

Then she slunk to the fridge, she ate the gay’s food!

She guzzled and gobbled and chowed down quite rude.

She ate wilted arugula, baked Brie and pate

Free range turkey, garlic-stuffed olives and crème Brule.

Basmati rice with Maui onions and sun-dried tomatoes

Rustic tex-mex, sage-infused roasted new potatoes.

Chilean sea bass and pumpkin ravioli

The Bitch washed it down with a bottle of Stoli.

Then the Bitch went postal on the fag’s Christmas tree

Tearing it limb from limb, as wild as she could be.

Lights popped as she karate-chopped, spinning like a twister,

Till the tree looked like it had been decorated by

Martha Stewart’s retarded sister.

The Bitch then smashed the gays’ most prized possession:

A pink triangle ornament…and then she smelled Obsession.

She turned around fast and saw a sleepy Gay

Little Sasha Jay Gay, who was 19 if he was a day.

The Bitch had been caught by this underage stud

Who could not go to bars yet and he resembled Paul Rudd

Paul Rudd was in “Clueless” and “Object of My Affection”

He always gave the Bitch a tiny little erection.

He stared at the Bitch and said, “Oh God, Savanah, why?”

“By the way, I’m half-blind, hung like a horse and bi.”

The Bitch started sweating, she needed to think

Then she smiled at the boy and gave him a wink.

“Your friends felt so bad that you couldn’t have fun

That they bought you a hooker, and I am the one!”

“Your Christmas present is me, you see

I’ve been hired to satisfy you, sexually.”

The Bitch thought the boy would run away

After all, this is Fresno, where no one’s supposed to be gay.

But not only did Sasha not disappear,

He was drooling and smiling from ear to cute ear.

“He really IS bi”, the Bitch thought in her head

“C’mon whore!” said Sasha, “Lets go to bed.”

“Ive a better idea, you lock the door

And lets do it all night right here on the floor.”

The boy wasn’t waxed, or bleached or tan

And he fucked like only a nineteen year old can.

They did it three times and then did it once more

And the Bitch really felt like a hot little whore.

And what happened next? Well in Fresno they say

That the Bitches small penis grew five inches that day.

No longer a drag queen and quite into ALL men,

The Bitch now frequents ALL the bars…including The Legends.

The End

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Since The World Is Going To End, Might As Well Get It Out There…

Posted by Daniel on December 10, 2012

end-of-the-worldMelissa and I were talking last night.  And if you’ve ever read about our insane conversations, imagine my surprise at how lucid she seemed this time.  She brought up the impending theoretical end of the world on the 21st.  Then before I could tell her how I don’t subscribe to that any more than I did the big Y2K scare, Bigfoot or children, she made a request that, at first stunned me…then made me think.  She said, “If you KNEW the world was going to end, what secrets about yourself would you tell the world?”

Wow…This took me aback.  Mostly because she’s never actually completed a sentence without using the word “penis”, but also because she actually made me speechless.   Then, without giving it too much (or even enough) thought,  I suddenly  decided WTF, I’m going to do it.

What follows is my list of twenty secrets.  Okay, some are secrets and some are just exclamations I’d throw out there, being as my period of shame will end on 12/21/2012.

Theoretically.

Just want to say, in the event I’m right and the world doesn’t end and we’re all still here on Saturday the 22nd, please forget you ever read any of this and we can then avoid the awkwardness.

So, without further ado…here it is…Bring on the asteroid:

  1. I don’t believe in God, reincarnation or ghosts.  Never have.  But I respect those who do.
  2. I’ve always been too afraid to learn how to swim.
  3. I’ve always considered myself to be an unattractive person.  Still do.
  4. It’s not that I won’t dance…I just don’t know how.
  5. I’ve attempted suicide…twice.
  6. I refuse to date anyone who gets jealous of those around me.  Trust them and me, or move on!!
  7. Contrary to the fake reputation of being a castrating bitch that I’ve always tried to keep up, I actually do have a heart.  And it’s been damaged.  Severely.  But I still care.
  8. Silence terrifies me.  Literally.
  9. I’m sincerely and passionately in love with someone.
  10. I believe in love, people and science.  Always will.
  11. I consider my friends to be my life and my memories.  I’d give my life for them.
  12. My last relationship failed because I’ll never be over the one before.  There are other reasons, obviously, but this one hurts to admit just as much.
  13. In Jr. High, I once got beaten up by a girl.  I don’t hit girls.
  14. In the Qualifiers on American Gladiators, I was eliminated by a girl.  (least I THINK it was a girl)
  15. To this day, I still feel guilty that I survived the 80’s when so many didn’t.
  16. I stupidly allowed someone to convince me that I’ll die alone.
  17. I’ve been to Paradise, but I’ve never been to me.  I don’t know what that means, but it seems to apply.
  18. I never once pee’d in a pool.  Now I wish I had.
  19. My body pillow has a name.
  20. I actually love Melissa more than she knows.  Just don’t tell her.

Posted in Life, WTF??? | 3 Comments »

Um…Thanks?

Posted by Daniel on September 5, 2012

This is arguably the best half-assed kinda-sorta bittersweet acidic compliment I’ve possibly never gotten. Ever. Thank you, Amy. 🙂

Dear Douchey-Douche,

I am glad that you had such a great birthday weekend (and that I got to spend some of it with you) because I’m really not sure there’s anyone who deserves it more than you.

You have become one of my closest friends (and I’m pretty sure neither of us thought that was going to happen when we first met 😉 and I appreciate all you’ve done and continue to do for me. You have knowledgeable advice and yet still know when to just shut the fuck up and listen 🙂

You keep me in constant supply of a “thicker skin” (because well, let’s face it, sometimes you’re a dick 🙂 and you accept the verbal abuse right back. We’ve seen each other at our worst and yet we’re both still here and that’s more than I can say for a lot of people I know.

I hope to spend many more birthday weekends in your presence because… well, let’s face it, people like you don’t DIE, they just pickle and live on for years to come so I might as well just embrace it rather than fight it 🙂

You better screen shot this post… because this might be the only time I say such (semi)nice things to you 🙂

Happy Birthday Gramps 🙂
*insert creepy arm squeeze*

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